longboarding adventure.

without you.

i collected leaves for you the whole way. i lost some of them. they fell out of my pocket and jacket. i found a bench.

the field is better at night.

sleepover.

i slept over patty's house yesterday. before that i did a lot of singing in my underwear and giant keller williams shirt and played cello in the same attire. i also sang and jump around in my bathroom with my voicemail and ipod playing. oh, hunter :)

OKAY. SO. HERE'S DA STORY.

i mean. it was fun and all. but. it's definitely different. i feel like the only reason she wanted to hang was because she's nervous about our friendship like. dying. which is good! i guess. but it shouldn't have gotten to this point. eh, takes two to tango. so i guess. not completely blameless on my part. BUT I FUCKIN' DIGRESS.

it was weird all the memories in that house. during the summer. i wanted to die. my mom and i were talking and all of the sudden i felt it. i started crying and she freaked out. WHAT'D I DO?! WHY ARE YOU CRYING WHY ARE YOU CRYING WHY ARE YOU CRYING. so i left. i got in max. i drove off. every turn i was considering ramming myself into the nearest car, or ditch, or pole. but i made it to patty's. thank god it's like.. a second away. patty wasn't there. i was crying my eyes out and her mom answered the door. it was so awkward. i just sat on the couch and cried with my head in my lap. and her mom rubbed my back and said it'll be okay.

everyone knows me there. they know my cat. they know my parents. they know everything. it's just nice. another family.

when everyone was awake this morning patty was still asleep. i tried waking her up. but she wouldn't have it. it was kind of a bummer. i left her house and she was still asleep.

today will be good.

uhh fuck you?

While I totally understand what you’re saying, I disagree with the idea that lawyers only do it for the money. I want to be a lawyer for a few very specific reasons, and money isn’t one of them. Quite the opposite, in fact, since I’ll be paying off my law school loans ‘til the day I die.

Reasons Claire Wants To Be A Lawyer:

• I don’t really believe in the law. I certainly don’t like the law. The idea of one person wielding any sort of involuntary authority over another sickens me. How to defeat this? Throwing bricks at Starbucks and burning down police stations would only land my ass in jail. The best way to fight the system is to make sure that the law has no grip over other people- that they can do what they want and not fear government intervention. So, I decided to become a criminal defense attorney. Unlike prosecuters, I don’t want to protect the law. I want to protect people from the law.
• I am a pretty eloquent person. (Well, not so much over tumblr, but I am in the real world.) You know how some people are scared of public speaking? I thrive on public speaking. I get an adrenaline rush from giving an impassioned soliloquy in front of hundreds of waiting ears. Other than a politician, (which I may very well end up being) what job is better suited for this than a lawyer?
• I care about politics. Playing a part in the enforcement (or lack thereof) of law and order is fascinating to me. I could sit behind a desk, reading about a drug possession arrest, or I could actually be out there doing something about it.
• If I don’t have a career that gives me an outlet for my argumentative personality, I will either spontaneously combust or end up in prison for assault and battery on the first person who brought up “globalization” or “worker’s rights”.

This career means a lot to me. Enough that I’m willing to spend 7 years in college and spend my life eradicating the ensuing debt. Not only musicians care about what they do.

well, um. okay. i guess i was a little harsh on the lawyers side. i just think it's a little ridiculous what my mom has to pay to get away from my dad. it's not fair. BUT HEY. DAS ME. be a lawyer. do your thang, honey.

why am i like.. kind of mad she has a different opinion? i don't know. she's right. it's fine.

angry savannah just has to say: "I HATED YOU IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND I HATE YOU NOW. YOU USE TO PLAY CELLO AND YOU SUCKED THAT'S WHY YOU'RE BEING A LAWYER. YOU'RE PRETENTIOUS. DIE." haha whoaa now.

i remember i wanted to get my yearbook signed by everyone in fourth grade. but i hated this person's guts. so i was like.. "i still hate you. but can you sign my yearbook?" it was awesome. and she did.

ODC WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE. ish.

heh..

Caleb

mmhm

the girl i'm seeing now is blonde

so that makes 3

2:27pmSavannah

always blonde

official?

2:27pmCaleb

god no

way to soon

we're going slow

it helps that she lives 45 seconds walking distance though

too* soon

of course this would happen soon. i'm just glad. that. it has haha. and suprisingly. i have no urges to find and stalk whoever this woman is! it's weird. but awesome.

things are just too good with this girl i know.. :)

another early morning feelings thing.

MY RIGHT NOSTRIL IS FULL OF SNOT. THE LEFT IS STRAIGHT UP CHILLIN.

doncha hate that?

okay so hunty, i was so like.. nervous to read your blog about what happened last night i had a dream that i did. and you didn't say anything so i wrote one asking you hahah. (i didn't read until now because concert=tireduncaringaboutinternetzsav)

i'm sorry it wasn't.. undissapointing. i guess i'll get deets later.

okay whoa. just read pearl's tumblr. yet again, you helped me. the crying that ensued cleared mah nostrils. hah. :) i wish i knew you when i was doing bad. maybe it wouldn't have gotten to the point it got to. i became friends with you RIGHT after. i remember worrying i wouldn't be able to do peter pan because i was so messed up. i twitched pretty bad at a rehearsal. peter pan was march 13th. my last entry in my journal was march 11th.

"march 11th 2009

Ryan has contacted me.. more than three times.. it kills me.

I'm sensitive to being called a mental patient

I could be one at any time.

My mom threatened the hospital.

My parents don't listen to me.

I'm feeling down again.

No anti-depressant."

caleb said i was acting like a mental patient. joking me one day in theory. it was like he punched me in the face.

whoa. do you guys ever like.. forget how to write? this one day i did. i was so frustrated.

"Wednesday April 29th 2009.

it's back. i have to gather strength to make it through the day.

i can't fuck myself over anymore.

i'm in hell. i am in fucking HELL right now.

how am i this unstable? how is this possible?

i'm so confused. i'm so anxious. it's back. why is it back

i shuold be happy i'm almost oust of school mu gradfes are most up oh my god. ehjmneed help but i cant. my ated wih kill me i need to get a waiver today i cant miss matmh

i cant miss mat

i neeo help i cant do this alone but im fucsd

forced. soon noone will force me to do anig

this weekend IM GONE

im already gone

why doesnt anyone ansertgatd why cant anyone just tell me what to do

why cant i just be fixed?! i cnt handlethis

my mind is freaking ksf i can't err write anytimor

i dont kwo wut to say"

i guess i look back at my journal. to keep me sane. remember what happened. remember how aweful it was. and that i can't let that happen again. i guess. i guess i guess.

on a happier note. elly is the shit. yesterday. 12pm-11:30pm. just awesome. keller williams was awesome. she loved him. which was nice to hear that she liked the same things as me. it was such a fun show. everyone was so happy and into. and... smoking pot. but! still into it. it was great. i think the best part about the concert. was that. i was free to act how i wanted with elly. i wasn't afraid. of parents. or caleb. or my dad. or anyone. it was just me and her and people who like keller williams. which are a good people. i just held her and we danced, laughed, kissed, held hands, talked, joked, told stories, and watched a guy smoke right in front of us.

eh, pot is not my thing girl.

i'm really hungry.

i could tell my mom was crying before i got home last night. i won't ask.

then we watched this aweful movie. "Savage Messiah" about this cult. bleh, it was aweful. a good movie but. like. horrible concept.

six months until graduation. 24 weeks till gsa graduation. 25 weeks until tallwood. eight monthsish until i leave for college. wow.. numbers..

today was good.

i haven't laughed so hard from something so stupid in a really long time hunty :)

and after hunter left. was kind of like. the first time i knew that you trusted me. was when you rcame over because your parents wouldn't let you stay at your house and we were just laying on my bed talking. i know we were good friends before that. but i always think that even my friends like.. don't like me as much as i like them. but when we just talked on my bed that day i was like wow maybe she does trust me and like me back.

i don't know i'm weird as shit.

BYEEEEEE.

sniffle sniffle.

I FEEL SO SICK. everything is worse at night. i can't sleep..

i did not like yesterday like i hope i would have.

i felt wavy. that's the best way to describe it. i wasn't happy or nervous or sad or feeling amazing or 'geekin' out'. i was tired. and i didn't want to feel like whatever i was feeling. i was considering texting someone to help me like. stop feeling like this. i guess i was a little scared. but mostly just. wavy. and tingly.

why do people like that so much?

i gave it a shot. two shots. no good. no good.

today will be good.

tuesday will be good.

wednesday i don't have plans.

thursday i don't have plans.

friday is party

saturday is party.

sunday is homework.

i'm so tired.. i wish i could call elly right now. or anyone for that matter. just makin' a pile of tissues.

the first school i hear anything from. and i'm rejected. i mean.. c'mon.. it was probably the hardest school to get into musically. but. jeez. confidence is gone right now. i feel like i'm going to end up like.. this one person who applied to a buttload of conservatories and now goes to GMU and is in a sorority.

NO SORORITIES PLEASE. I HATE GMUUUU..

i'm not the best right now. shouldn't you want me to come to your school and grow and shit? right? mrs. frittelli says i've grown a lot since freshman year. i have. like.. a lot. not celloly mostly behaviorness and mentally i think. but. i mean. i think i came in freshman year really bad. like i didn't know any scales. i had random infrequent lessons with kriner. never had an etude book. never had any solo music. then like.. christiana's come in and it's like. wtfff. how did you get all this stuff? why are you learning this bach suite already? i don't know. just like. compared to how shitty i started. yeah i'm better. but. i don't know. i kind of wish that. colleges would put that into consideration. HI I'M SHIT AT CELLO RIGHT NOW BUT IF YOU LET ME IN I'M GOING TO FUCKING BLOW YOUR MIND IN FOUR YEARS.

..i promise.

please?

let me innnn.

so please please please let me let me let me let me get what i want this time..

on another note. jesus, things with elly are good. i hope they are in actuality. i don't see why not. but in my mind. things are fucking awesome. and i haven't been so happy in a really long time. especially when it comes to relationships. i wish i had an obnoxious vocabulary to describe how much i like you and how beautiful you are. or i could like.. paint you something awesome. or compose you something "IF I WROTE YOU A SYMPHONYYYYY!" haha no.

i just feel stupid sometimes. like maybe you don't know how much you are making me happy.

an yet another note. alaska is awesome. i love how she likes me more than my mom. i love how she lays next to me. like right now! i'm so awkward with animals and little children. it's nice to be one someone's good side.

okay i'm starting to feel tired now.

jaskd'jgkalsdjsdklfjsd

i just feel

oh hai.

kind of miss this. i didn't hold anything back here.

maybe i'll start typalating here again.

penis.

tumblr.

dear wendysquirrel,

awesome dream of awesomeness

first of all i had the best, most comfortable sleep i've ever had in a really really long time.
second of all. the dream:
i was at tallwood but it was way huger and nothing like what it really looks like but i knew in my mind it was tallwood. and it was 2012 and by this time everyone knew what time the end of the world was going to happen. so my dad was going to pick me up early. but he forgot. so the plan was for all the students to be in their desks and just. sit there and take it. but i didn't believe it was going to happen and i thought that that idea was just fucked up. so i was sneaking through the hallways and i found you and we ran to the third floor of tallwood (nonexistant but in my dream it was totally there) and we were laying down and i was on top of you saying that if we do die i want you to be the last thing i see and touch and be next to. and we were just staring at eachother. then we looked at the clock and it was like 12:01 and we were suppose to die at 12:00. so we just like freaked and hugged eachother. i felt that true happiness feeling in my heart. and we ran around the school skipping andlaughing like we owned it. and everyone was celebrating and rioting. the whole world. everyone in the streets.

hey, it could happen.

neverland.

i went there tonight. i'm getting close to. real happiness. just. you in my arms. i know more happened. but. gah. fucking perfect.

i sound like a lame song about teen love.

YOU IN MY ARMS GIRLLL YEAAAAH LOVE LOVE SHIT.

it's true though..

your head on my chest. your arm around my stomach. i'm playing with your hair.

i can't fuck this up.

i'm so good at that though..

i'm just gonna go with it.

WHORE-O-SCOPE
You have a very special kind of love to give that goes beyond your personal needs and your judgment of someone else. You can clearly see people's flaws now, but you are quick to accept them as part of the package. You could also be willing to work with the fact that your desires are not being fully addressed. Although the gloss of newness may fade, the truth is more satisfying than an unrealistic dream based upon a fantasy.

baby loves to butt sex.

baby loves to dance in the dark.

badmood. madbood. dab doom. bam dood.

being frustrated is the worst.

i want to like. stretch and scream.

i miss you. i don't know why i miss you this amount. but. i do. and. it's frustrating. school tommorow yay..

uh. fuck. i just want to go to bed so it's tommorow.

i hate a days. english and gov. why are my two hardest classes on one day?

i have an orthodontist appointment too. yay tightening.. okay tommorow's going to extra suck.

fucking alex bonilla is going to bother me too. i just want to practice my shit. not your stupid band stuff. gahh..

i'm in a bad mood. i'm sorry guys. today's just been. not what i wanted.

"Me and one of my good friends got peter and wendy! there isn’t really a back story. i just really wanted her to be my girlfriend, and i wanted to get an old peter pan book and scribble in the back. ‘_Name_ Be My Wendy?!’ but never got around to it. years later. this is what we have. i have wendy, and she has pan =)"

:)

211.

last. night. was. good.

fuckit.

fuck "happyblogweek". i made it till thursday.. go me.
whatever.
i'm not a happy person. i'm never going to be a happy person. obviously i can't even pretend to be happy for a week.
i've been in and out of laying in bed crying since exactly 6:00. it's fucking 9:39.
everything is futile.
i hate this blog. i hate this post. i hate everything and everyone including everything i own and everything i have ever looked at and everything i've thought about.
i wish i could write beautifully. i wish i could mask my pain with insane diction and other literary devices.
but i can't.
my writing turns into giant clouds of the same thing written over and over again on, words on top of words. a big mess.
i. am. un. hap. py.

happy.. fucking.. blog..

• i understand poems.
• i understand government.
• ?emhtiwgnorws'tahw..nitidlohtnaci.drahgnikcufyllaer.yrcottnawi

okay okay.

On the surface, things appear to be going well. But a gnawing feeling reminds you that everything takes longer than you wish. You could set yourself up for disappointment if you try to push the river faster than it's already going. On the other hand, when you remember that the water always reaches the sea in time, you'll be able to ease up and let the current events follow their own natural course

huh. okay. okay. i can make this work.
i'll just.. let everything run it's course.

hppyblog3

• i talked to trevor! and we bonded.


• i didn't kill anyone!


• i had a focused practice session


• i found a cool picture in the paper


• i wrote a good note.. in my opinion


• i made a list of what to do tonight. like a schedule.


• i'm being very productive this year. well.. the past few weeks.


• patty is giving me her popper book


• i have 109 in oceanography


• i spent money for the first time today. maybe not a good thing. but it felt nice. to be frivolous with money for a second.


• i had a good time with andy: in terabithia, borjo, rehearsal.


• i got a sticker for my case!


• i met a guy with a cool mustache who made me hot chocolate with marshmellows and whipped cream!


• rehearsal wasn't completely aweful..


• pearl got her belly button pierced!


• not a slut


• today was a pretty good day.


• really good actually :)

holy sheet.

This can be quite a social day with the Full Moon visiting your 11th House of Friends. But it can also be somewhat stressful because you might prefer quality one-on-one time with a special companion rather than just being one of the crowd. However, losing yourself in a group does have its own special advantage now, for you can maintain enough anonymity that you won't have to talk about a topic you want to keep to yourself for a while longer.

constructive rest. hppblgdy2

tuesday.

before school:

i woke up lateish. i got ready pretty fast. faster than usual. as i walked out of the band room. this big group of band kids stopped talking as i walked by. completely silent. and then as i pass by they all bust out laughing. saying things about me. i don't understand people.. i didn't do anything to them. i don't talk to them. i don't ignore them. i actually am helping out tallwood orchestra. so shut the fuck up. leave me alone.. jeez.

advance placement government:

viet (only friend at tallwood) drew a picture of me. it's kind of scary looking. i drew one of him and it fell on the floor and my teacher taped it on the filing cabinet. it looked a lot like viet. just.. with wolverine claws. ahhah. i got two 100 quizzes. nothing to freak about. gov is easy for me. this guy cheated off of me. asshole. i fucking hate that school.

advanced placement english:

i bombed a wuthering heights test. beasted the short answer part! read an awesome poem. had to listen to stupid overachievers. gah, i want to like. beat them until they don't care anymore. i think my teacher likes me. i have a bleh grade in there. just a 88. but i'm pretty okay at interpreting poems. and writing shit. because i actually give a shit about the content. not getting straight A's like the overachiever assholes. i hate them..

studyblock/lunch/pracitce block:

this guy wants me to play in this band of his. it's like.. fuckin'. avenged sevenfold shit. GROSS. he's so awkward. like.. i don't know. socially. there's a lot of silences. and small talk. he wants a quartet. i'll get caleb for sure. but the violins.. uhhh ahah who would be willing? weird.. he really fucked up my practice focus. after his dumb weird conversation i was all flustered and practiced stupidly. not fun..

my stupid middle finger on my left hand is messed up. it's like an aweful bruise. whenever i touch it it hurts. even like.. lightly. ughhh. cello sucks now.

bus:

didn't really talk. kept to myself. listened to telephone.

lesson:

i love mrs. frittelli. the allegro of the vivaldi no. 5 sonata is good. the largo is bleh. rough still. but i really care about it. like.. allegro came easier to me. but the largo i really want to be awesome and i want to work really hard on it to get it to where i'm happy with it. ya know?

da camera:

weird mood. um. it was okay. i suck at that music. that's the bottom of my practice list.

eurythmics:

constructive rest. i'm usually not a fan. but it was great this time. with all my stressing out i really needed that recharge. good for other lame reasons too.. haha. i wonder if you notice these things..

bus:

caleb bought me starbucks. i'm trying to not gain 23890476 pounds. but it was nice of him. bus was kind of weird. with the whole. moral dilemma. and darrin was talking to karl about math stuff. i just listened to gag. telephoneee. i love me some hunter though. kind of a weird mood on the bus.

home:

fine. me and my mom are the shit. on the first bus. to gsa. i was just thinking about how much i love her. i just. i would do anything for her. i'm so close with her now. i feel aweful for blaming her for everything. so stupid..

dinner with dad:

family guy. chinese food. no conversation. the usual..

okay i just realized maybe not all of this was happy.. uhhh. i'll go back and strike through the possible "sad" stuff. mm.. EDIT TIMEEE!

weird noticing how much i like.. say mean things about myself. "isuck" "cellosucks"

i'm going to try to not say "sucks" as much on this.

we'll see how that goes..

emily bronte

I see around me tombstones grey
Stretching their shadows far away.
Beneath the turf my footsteps tread
Lie low and lone the silent dead -
Beneath the turf - beneath the mould -
Forever dark, forever cold -
And my eyes cannot hold the tears
That memory hoards from vanished years
For Time and Death and Mortal pain
Give wounds that will not heal again -
Let me remember half the woe
I've seen and heard and felt below,
And Heaven itself - so pure and blest,
Could never give my spirit rest -
Sweet land of light! thy children fair
Know nought akin to our despair -
Nor have they felt, nor can they tell
What tenants haunt each mortal cell,
What gloomy guests we hold within -
Torments and madness, tears and sin!
Well - may they live in ectasy
Their long eternity of joy;
At least we would not bring them down
With us to weep, with us to groan,
No - Earth would wish no other sphere
To taste her cup of sufferings drear;
She turns from Heaven with a careless eye
And only mourns that we must die!
Ah mother, what shall comfort thee
In all this boundless misery?
To cheer our eager eyes awhile
We see thee smile, how fondly smile!
But who reads not through the tender glow
Thy deep, unutterable woe?
Indeed no darling land above
Can cheat thee of thy children's love.
We all in life's departing shine,
Our last dear longings blend with thine,
And struggle still and strive to trace
With clouded gaze thy darling face.
We would not leave our nature home
For any world beyond the tomb.
No, mother, on thy kindly breast
Let us be laid in lasting rest,
Or waken but to share with thee
A mutual immortality.

fuck yes.
i'm not sure i agree with the whole staying on Earth forever thing. but.. definitely the whole. Heaven would suck because all the angels would be all happy and shit and wouldn't understand the pain of Earth.
immortality would suck though.

bronte is a freakin' genius. she was like two years old when she wrote all this stuff.

peter pan.

never say goodbye
because goodbye means going away
and going away means forgetting.

RASH!?

you make my day hunter harold mayton :)

k.

You are excited when you think about the future, but it's hard to tell if you're just making it all up. Romance may seem quite real to you now as you dangle a carrot in front of yourself in order to get motivated. Regardless of what happens, this is a positive development if it encourages you to take care of business today so you are ready for whatever happens later on.

i think i want a lion tattoo. nothing giant and epic. just a lil' guy.

tattoos:

• lion
• sylvia plath
• quotes
• anchor
• bass clef

to do list:

• finish scholarship paper
• find another interest group to join
• practice: all college rep. focus on vivaldi
• drink 2 liters of water
• eat every three hours
• work out with mom
• teach her theory
• work on E1+E2
• survive tallwood
• attempt thumb callus
• get materials for plan X
• make a long term to-do list

lists are so impersonal. anyone can write a list. grocery list. guest list. to-do list. prose is different. poetry is different. those people are special..

"ok ok. my favorite part was laying in bed listening to music. i missed it. alot."
i guess i don't answer your questions all the time because..

HWONSDSAWBPWWWQ

• my mom offered me to stay home from school
• i had a chicken biscuit for breakfast
• i've almost finsihed everything on my to-do list
• me and caleb were better
• i didn't get frustrated in theory
• i made good points in senior prep
• me and darrin had an awesome time in orchestra as usual
• bus was awesome. we are so.. close. and open with eachother. feels like a minifamily within my GSA family. it's really.. just awesome
• i think i talked to elly a good amount today? i think i'm getting better
• i sent in my VCU application!
• i drank two liters of water
• i ate every three hours
• i'm about to work out with my mom
• i taught my mom some music theory

ALEJANDRO ALEJANDROOOOOOO
ALE ALE JANDRO ALE ALE JANDROOO.

soooo. um.
You know what you want, but the situation keeps changing like the winds on a spring day. Just as you get comfortable with flying your kite one way, everything shifts and you must readjust your behavior in order to prevent it from crashing down to earth. This would not be a problem, except that you must pay constant attention or suffer the consequences. Maintaining a high level of concentration is your spiritual practice now and if you succeed, the rewards will be worth the wait.
let's hope so mr. horoscope.

64 for november?! ahahaha

Blog Archive
▼ 2009 (168)
► November (64)
purple sheets
:D
grandpa.
waste.
zodiacly speaking,
elly is sixteen going on seventeen.

i'm not sure if i believe in this stuff.
i am a lion.
hiiiiii blogggggggg, i. uh. yeah. i'd love to f...
whatever.
fuck you.
you may say that i'm a dreamer.. but i'm not the o...
beyonce.
Wendy
you're in my body.. still.
me and hunter are blogging fiends.
public pajamas. someone needs to get crackin' on t...
alaska is a little scallywag
silly
virginia beach!
stressagasauras.
dionne wright.
just da tip!
pet peeve.
not feeling good at all lately,
tallwoodhighschool.
basketcase.
at tallwood this is how i stand waiting for the bu...
um. excuse me sir..
HUNTY.
yes please.
i want my daughter to have a name like these..
TOWANDA!
anyone else see a resemblance?
margo roth spiegelman.
i'm at katie's house.
I'm talkin bout everybody gettin crunk crunk, Boys...
you.
you're in my body/that's where i think about you
afro jazz
caleb sleepover 2x
"i love you." "i love you too." "promise?" "..yes"...
maybe i'll switch to tumblr? i use a bunch of tumb...
paper towns.
i learned a song on guitar for you too.
everytime i talk to you. it's about how horny you ...
self-hate
i'm sorry.
not good.
thank you.
help.
who cares.
dickdickdickdickdick
it's funny you said that i think about that all th...
things on my mind.
fascinated by suicide.
i get to see pearl today.
fuck you
breathe.
just lifting my fingers to type. they're so ...
Hey, Strong Bad! I need to be kicked in the face.
irony
run me over.
► October (44)
► September (30)
► August (30)

purple sheets

1. bubbles
2. park
3. field
4. markers
5. tats
6. bed

i..



..that's it.
deets later? or never?


KTHASCOO.

:D

... ..- -.-. -.- / .. - / .... ..- -. - . .-. / .. / .-.. . .- .-. -. . -.. / .... --- .-- / - --- / -.. --- / .. - !

grandpa.

my mom told me the other night while taking out the trash that my grandpa killed himself.
i was told that he died in his sleep. this was a long time ago. like middle school age. but he took a gun to his head. because my grandma was really sick and he loved her so much. they told her that he died in his sleep too.
i also realized that my mom probably wouldn't let me see prince of tides because there was a character named savannah who tried killing herself mulitiple times.



i'm not really.. that bothered by it either. kind of sucks that their little way of protecting me from suicide didn't help at all.
i wish my grandma knew what happened to my grandpa. that's completely unfair.


i had a dream my parents read this. and i texted someone saying like.. WHATTHEFUCKKK. and my parents read that too. i'm really paranoid sometimes.
i'm wearing pearl's giant 17th street hoodie. it's a good "i'msick" hoodie. IT'S FILLED WITH DA GERMS NOW!
i'm going to go watch the rest of that movie. it's so weird hearing my name all the time. savannah this savannah that.
christmas is coming up.. i've never really been that big of a christmas list maker. i usually get something ridiculous that i'd never use or that one big thing i wanted. like an ipod or something. i don't know. it seems selfish and dumb to make a giant list.
it's usually just one thing i want. or nothing. same for birthdays.
gift giving is just strange on the recieving end. it's fun giving!



alright. i gotta pee.

waste.

1. I like Radiohead2. I walk up the stairs two at a time.3. I have witnessed a moshpit4. I have experienced a moshpit 5. I once caught a fish on vacation6. I have punched/attacked a teacher7. I have seen someone die8. I have made fried dough9. I have been in a New York City taxi10. My hair is its natural color11. A movie had made me cry12. A book has made me cry13. A song has made me cry14. I have been saved by a lifeguard15. I am for the death penalty16. There have been times when I seriously wished I could kill myself.17. I know someone else who attempted suicide.18. I don’t show my emotions.19. I am a pessimist.20. I usually have no self confidence.21. People have told me they trust me.22. There is a TV in this room.23. I am next to a window.24. I have given directions to someone in a car.25. Someone has borrowed something and not given it back yet.26. I’m a perfectionist.27. I usually try not to bring attention to myself.28. My parents want to know what I have for homework.29. We sometimes watch musicals in music class.30. I’m using a mac computer.31. I’m home alone.32. I’m an oldest child.33. I have a belt on.34. It’s studded.35. I have plans for today.36. We’re allowed to chew gum at school.37. I live for summer. 38. Sometimes I act like I have OCD. 39. I could people-watch all day.40. I’ve tried to be a vegetarian.41. Really skinny people annoy me.42. Lime green is an awesome color43. I can touch my thumb to my pinkie around my wrist.44. I can know someone’s scent and know they’re near me.45. My parent(s) is/are a health freak.46. I try to use correct spelling/grammar on the computer.47. I know the difference between its and it’s.48. Dr. Pepper is my favorite soda.49. I can get very annoyed by happy people.50. I wish my hair was naturally curly, wavy.51. I’m sarcastic a lot.52. I’m at least a little bit Irish. 53. I don’t tell people’s secrets. 54. I don’t like the name Peg.55. I’ve slipped on a banana peel.56. I’m very ticklish.57. I give people the silent treatment when I’m mad instead.58. I wear my pajama pants to school.59. Swallowing pills is difficult for me.60. I get scared in elevators.61. I’ve been in a car for 7 hours straight.62. I like going on the subway.63. I’ve seen the same movie twice in a row.64. Sometimes I wish I could get plastic surgery65. I have fallen down the stairs.66. I prefer pools to oceans.67. I have stayed up until 2:00 doing homework the whole time.68. I’ve cried myself to sleep69. It would almost be worth breaking a leg to use crutches.(NOCRUTCHESSUUUCKKK)70. I’ve fainted in public.71. I hate bermuda shorts.72. Big lips are attractive.73. I like milk in my tea74 .I never wear skirts.75. My nails are fake.76. I can swear in different languages.77. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.78. A stranger has tried to give me money.79. Lipstick is uncomfortable. 80. My favorite band broke up.81. I have some friends in my neighborhood.82. I pack my own lunches for school.83. I hate words with too many consonants together.84. I’ve went three days without taking a shower.85. Laptop mouses are impossible.86. I have dropped something today.87. My away message is always up to avoid people. 88. I’ve worn earphones/headphones without music to avoid people.89. People have complimented my handwriting90. I know what aperture and shutter speed are.91. I say like a lot, even though I try not to.92. My pinkies are crooked.93. I have a sibling in college.94. I’ve danced in the rain before.95. I know who wrote Great Expectations. 96. I don’t know how to do the laundry.97. I hate doing the dishes.98. I make index cards for school even when they’re not required. 99. I love making microwave s’mores100. I have meditated before.

why is "have you ever cried yourself to sleep?" a question? and why is it always about your ex's on those myspace surveys? something always has to do with kissing/dancing/liking rain.

zodiacly speaking,

we're perfect for eachother..

and we're pretty good for eachother


uhhh..

elly is sixteen going on seventeen.

how is tommorow sunday? how did that happen?

GOAL: next week is going to be HAPPYWEEKOFNOTSUCKYDEPRESSINGSHITANDWHINYBITCHPOSTINGSWEEKWEEKWEEKQ

or..

HWONSDSAWBPWWWQ for short

basically, next week i'm going to only write about the happy good things that happened that day. not even sarcastic happy things! hahah. i'll be good. you'll see.

so today and tommorow are my last days to whine.

I'M SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK :((((((((((((

it sucks. my throat is like hard and sandpapery.

hung out with caleb. it was good. now that we're actually trying. um. yeah. that's it.

last night was really awesome. id on't think i captured the awesomeness of the other night. it was great spending time with my hunter. and pearl of course. i laughed my butt off. i got some physical activity in. i went to mother fucking ashley moody's house. i found out that i'm like aquaman with cats. and female genitalia.sooo catwoman. but could she call cats? i think not..

pearl is my best friend. DONE. no more discussion about it.

hunter is my best man friend. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

elly is my best friend who lives not more than two hours away. hahah.

michaela doesn't talk to me.

patty doesn't talk to me.

marlowe doesn't talk to me.

you guys are my rocks. i love you :)

this is getting sappy.

elly is sixteen! when i asked jim from half moon what he was like when he was sixteen he was like "mmm i was drunk the whole time" haah. i miss him sometimes.

when i was sixteen.. which was a year ago. i. had a pretty interesting birthday party. my exboyfriend's pregnant fourteen year old girlfriend was there. i don't know why i invited her. i think i felt bad for her. because ryan's a dick. but she turned intoa dick. SO WHATEVS. such a strange birthday.

ZE LIMO!

hahah. funny..

WHITE PEOPLE!

MINORITIES!

i'm not sure if i believe in this stuff.

24th July to 23rd August
Symbol: The Lion
Ruling Planet: Sun
Quality: Fixed
Element: Fire
Basic Trait: I Will
Closest Metal: Gold
Lucky Day: Sunday
Lucky Colors: Gold, Orange and Yellow
Lucky Gems: Carbuncles, Rubies and Diamonds
Lucky Flowers: Marigolds and Daffodils
The zodiac sign of Leo has the symbol of 'The Lion' and just like a lion; a Leo believes that he rules everyone else. Don't tell him he doesn't, it will break his big, loving, proud heart. Leos can easily go from being vigorously outgoing to plain lazy. If you want to find a Leo, go to the most dazzling places in the town. You will find him there, surrounded by people and playing his role in the limelight beautifully. He likes to live in style and hates boredom. There are hardly any introvert Leos, only those who pretend to be introverts.They are in love with their pride and ego and fiercely protect what they believe to be theirs. The lion loves to give advice on how you should manage your life and feels himself to be superior to others. However, his ego is very vulnerable and he will get deeply hurt if you don't respect his wisdom. It is difficult to ignore the lion for too long, he will be the center of attraction sooner or later. The best way to tame him is to flatter him; he will turn into a purring kitten. Praising the intellect will work as much as admiring the appearance will. He is pretty clever and will never ever bother to waste his energy on something insignificant. Leo holds back nothing, not even his approval and compliments. Infact, he is so generous with compliments that he can make you embarrassed and self-conscious. At the same time, he is equally vocal about the things he does not like. However, one thing you can be sure of - he means what he says. You may or may not like it, but it is his true opinion. Leo plays the perfect host, treating you to the best of everything, right from ambience to the dessert. He has a forgiving nature and is full of sympathy. Even in his love life, he easily reconciles after a split up. Leos are passionate in every aspect of their life, be it love or career or any other thing. They are rarely without a partner and life without love is a big no-no for them. They practically thrive on romance. A Leo is never the one to be dependent on someone. Rather, he loves to lead and be leaned upon. He may complain every now and then about the responsibilities, but in his heart he loves to have them. He dislikes taking help, especially of a financial nature.On the other hand, he will gives loan to almost everyone. A Leo may run out of cash easily, since he is anything but cautious with it. However, he will always be the best-dressed person at the party. His behavior always borders on the extreme. A Leo will either be extremely careless and sloppy or meticulously neat and orderly. He is also extremely fixed with his ideas and it is very hard to convince him against his opinions. He likes to do one thing at a time. When he is working, you can be sure, he will forget to have his lunch too.When he's partying, he will put the dance floor on fire. Leos turn out to be the bravest ones in a group, especially in the face of an emergency. They are very loyal, extremely possessive and highly jealous. The lion fiercely defends what he believes to be his. He is a powerful enemy, but one with morals. Creativity and originality are his fortes. Even though he has an ego,is arrogant and overflows with pride, he is extremely good at heart. Being with a Leo will mean that you always have someone to care for, though you may have to flatter him every now and then.

am i the big ego, assholey, self-absorbed leo?

i am a lion.

um. okay. everything will be back to normal soon. if things go accordingly.
i can.. not be self-destructive.
i can.. not be a stupid asshole.
i think i can do this. i think this is good for me.
i hope. i know. um. i was stupid. i.

i love you okay?
let's work harder at this.


the cat's flock to me when i cry.
i don't know why i'm still crying. things are supposedly on the rise.
why do i keep saying: "um" "maybe" "if" "i think" "supposedly"
i should be confident. first step to relationship bliss. right? confidence in it.
we can do it. right?
i can do it.
i'm the problem.
i just have to be more brave. more like a lion. courageous. leadershipy. yeah. i don't know where i'm going with this.
i should shut up.

hiiiiii blogggggggg,
i. uh.



yeah. i'd love to fill this up with my dark feelings and embarrassing stories. but.

whatever.

i'm really bummed. beyond it.
kind of pissed off.
not because no one came. just that. i don't know. it's just not that okay. i'm pissed off all the time randomly.
maybe this is one of those times.
but i fucking doubt it.

fuck you.

you may say that i'm a dreamer.. but i'm not the only one

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

beyonce.

1. You like pudding.
2. You like cake.
3. You’ve never been to the beach.
4. You’ve never been to the ocean.
5. You live in the United States.
6. You’ve smoked weed.
7. You’ve smoked cigarettes.
8. You’ve cheated on a test at school.
9. You’ve ran when you were angry.
10. You’ve cried yourself to sleep.
11. You’ve written a poem.
12. You’ve written a story.
13. You like thunderstorms and rain.
14. You like the snow.
15. You prefer warm weather.
16. You sleep with a fan on.
17. You sleep with the TV on.
18. You’ve sang a song all the way through today.
19. You talked to someone you didn’t like today.
20. You’ve drank a whole carton of milk by yourself.
21. You bought something you didn’t need recently.
22.You are wearing jewelry of some kind right now.
23. You’ve drank alcohol.
24. You’ve went trick or treating when you were too old.
25. You have went ice skating.
26. You have went roller blading.
27. You’ve been on a skateboard.
28. You have a pet at your house.
29. You like cats.
30. You like dogs.
31.You enjoy Italian food.
32.You enjoy Mexican food.
33.You enjoy Asian food.
34. You enjoy American food.
35. You’re listening to music right now.
36. You’ve slept walked.
37. You’re currently mad at someone.
38. You’re currently annoyed.
39. You’re currently in a good mood.
40. You like Tic Tacs.
41. You’re currently tired.
42. Your favorite band is the Beatles.
43. You’ve painted your face before.
44. You have a job.
45. You hate your life.
46. You want to go to the movies.
47. You’ve played Strip Poker.
48. You like to play card games.
49. You’re currently bored.
50. You’re currently hungry.

Wendy

you know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where i'll remember you. That's where i'll be waiting.
-Peter Pan

thanks wendy.. for reading to me last night. i'm sorry i fell asleep. it was perfect.

i can't be peter pan much longer.. i'm growing up. i'm sending out college applications. :/

UGHHHH..

you're in my body.. still.

i'd call you a cunt.

but you don't have the depth or the warmth.



i'm not good at relationships. or being single actually. i might be worse at that. i'm not sure. i'm not very normal in that aspect of life. i'm just a really mean person.

maybe i'm only good in the middle of the relationship. the beginning and ends. i suck.

i strongly dislike you right now. i feel like i'm picking fights with you.

my mom kind of scares me sometimes. how like. she goes from crazy happy to insanely sad. i need to shut up.

she brought a bunch of alcohol here..

me and hunter are blogging fiends.

public pajamas. someone needs to get crackin' on that.

the less clothes the better! that's been my mood lately.

also my mood has been straight up asshole! and very moody. very.. unbalanced.

i guess that's not.. new.

but the assholeness is new! i'd like to think it's new at least..

caleb's good at it too! it's like we compete to see who's the worst. haaaa. how healthy!

if i here "act your age" "grow up" or "be more mature" one more time i think i'll lose it.

losing weight would be awesome right now.

i'm so. argumentative. like i want a fight. ew. that needs to change.

i guess it's just with a certain person.

me and my dad are. goooooddd..? kind of. i hate the way he talks. and acts. but uh. i don't know. that's a complicated topic that needs a blog of it's own. but in a nutshell. it's not as completely fucked as before.

pearl. tommorow. home. not richmond. sounds good..

gov test tommorow: haven't studied

english essay due last class: haven't written anything

college essays: three more to do! i think?

TIME TO DO WORKKK.

here's a picture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

alaska is a little scallywag

she just watches homer all day.
and goes on the counter and pushes things off.
she goes on the table and pushes things off.
attacks my face in the morning.

i love her.

silly

lolz.

i'm going to try the whole 'to-do list every day' thing. it worked kind of before..

ughhh whatever.

whatever higher power there is out there. please make today not suck. at least the recording part or anything having to do with college because.. i really need to go to college. everyone says that college is going to be so much better for me and i can get away from the craziness here and be free. some people are more stressed in college or more unhappy. just whoever or whatever you are. please make this college process more smooth. at least for today. you can make the rest of the days suck.

virginia beach!

stressagasauras.

i've accomplished shit today.
still scared.
periods suck.
when i called jonlin i thought i called elly instead because they sound soooo alike on the phone. insane.
i'm just in a picturey mood. no writing blehh.

dionne wright.

she's one of my best friends. today she came to give me a lesson. and i started crying like right when she asked how i was doing. and she asked if i wanted to take a walk. so we went outside and ended up going to barnes and nobles and we talked about stuff and she bought me water and pumpkin pie. and we looked at college essay books and she bought me one.

she's truly my hero. she actually cares.

just da tip!

things that can suck it:

• college
• school
• tallwood high schoolians
• my body weight
• the world
• society
• admissions people
• deodorant
• whoever created that word because it's hard to spell
• emily bronte even though she's awesome
• dr. coxe
• savannah flores

i get to see patty tonight! it was so nice of her little sister to invite me to go to the airport with them!









further deets later.

pet peeve.

"I'M GOING TO THE STORE"
"oh, so you're going to the store?"
"..yeah"

"i just ate humans"
"you have?"
"..yes i just said that."

"i was going to kill that triceratops but then i got ice cream instead."
"were you now?"
"OHMYGODSHUTUPI'LLKILLYOUNOW."

peeve. peeve. peeve. peeve.

not feeling good at all lately,

i don't think i've ever had a dream where i did that before. i would never do that to you i promise. i guess it's because you mentioned it today.
i feel so inferior.

if one more person says "that's so depressing.." "i'm like, depressed right now" i'll lose it. maybe i'll start counting how many times it happens.
speaking of depression, does it end? i mean i sure as hell feel better than january february of last year. but. does it ever completely go away? i'm still having panic attacks and twitching and random crying and pain and "suicidal ideology". how long does this last?

i'm just like. tired of everything. and frustrated. and scared. so fucking angry.

caleb had a panic attack the other night. now he knows. that's kind of nice. horrible thing to say.

i'm not prepared.

tallwoodhighschool.

"what the fuck is on her back?" "is that an instrument?" "i played that shit in sixth grade and quit" "i be weak when she falls over on her ass!"

i'm right next to them. they were walking right behind me.

i hate that school.

caleb doesn't trust me at all.

i kind of always feel like the worst person in the relationship. it's usually true.

i'm always angry now.

basketcase.

hi blog.

here are my feelings. in alphabetical order and of importance kind of.

• A- anger. i feel so fucking angry all the time now. it's awesome. hi F-bombs i missed you!


• B- bummed. refer to some post from like.. this morning


• C- crazy. i can't control anything. i'm stupid ughhh


• D- dick. i feel like a dick when i talk to you. i hate how mean i am now when i'm angry


• E- empathetic! when i was crying in the bathroom today. there was this girl crying in the stall right next to me but being way louder about it. i was silent. i know how to cry in a public restroom. i was like comforted almost. i kind of wanted to like.. go in the stall and hug her and tell her it'll get better. dumb. dumbdumbdumb.


• F- fuck. i feel like yelling that. a lot.


• G- gagged. really bad asian food. everything supposed to be hot food today was way undercooked. TAPEWORMS GET IN MY BELLY!


• H- hungry due to shitty food


• I- IRRITABLE


• J- like a jackass


• K- kicked around. fuck karma.


• L- lame i just closed my eyes and screamed because my mom turned on the tv and it was in the middle of so yout hink you can dance and i hadn't seen the beginning and they were kciking people off.


• M- malodorous. i stank.


• N- needy


• O- out of it


• P- poop of course


• Q- shutup


• R- ridic


• S- stupid


• T- tired. I GOT HOME AT 8. EIGHT. i got to eric's at 6:30. way later than usual.


• U- unorganized. no college essays written. none.


• V- two vaginas.


• W- wavering. ughhh.


• X- SHUT. UP.


• Y- yellow is my favorite color


• Z- zebra=mariah carey.

okay. so that ended up getting annoying. soooooo angry. i give up.

at tallwood this is how i stand waiting for the bus with the cello on my back.

um. excuse me sir..

the other night. you called. and i was an asshole.
you said you'd call me last night before i went on the bus. actually you said.
"what are you doing tonight?"
"hunter's coming over and leaving at eight."
"then i'll call at 8:01"

you know that.. driving home from hunter's house i was actually excited to prove that i could not be an asshole and make this work?
you know that.. after a while i just thought 'well.. he usually calls after ten maybe he has homework i'll wait!'
you know that.. i stayed up as long as i could and when i felt myself falling asleep i put my phone's volume on SUPER LOUD and put it under my ear so i would wake up if you called.
you know that.. you didn't call.
you know that.. you fell asleep early
you know that.. you're acting like it's not a big deal.


it was really important to me. stupid. but true. thanks..