longboarding adventure.

without you.

i collected leaves for you the whole way. i lost some of them. they fell out of my pocket and jacket. i found a bench.

the field is better at night.

sleepover.

i slept over patty's house yesterday. before that i did a lot of singing in my underwear and giant keller williams shirt and played cello in the same attire. i also sang and jump around in my bathroom with my voicemail and ipod playing. oh, hunter :)

OKAY. SO. HERE'S DA STORY.

i mean. it was fun and all. but. it's definitely different. i feel like the only reason she wanted to hang was because she's nervous about our friendship like. dying. which is good! i guess. but it shouldn't have gotten to this point. eh, takes two to tango. so i guess. not completely blameless on my part. BUT I FUCKIN' DIGRESS.

it was weird all the memories in that house. during the summer. i wanted to die. my mom and i were talking and all of the sudden i felt it. i started crying and she freaked out. WHAT'D I DO?! WHY ARE YOU CRYING WHY ARE YOU CRYING WHY ARE YOU CRYING. so i left. i got in max. i drove off. every turn i was considering ramming myself into the nearest car, or ditch, or pole. but i made it to patty's. thank god it's like.. a second away. patty wasn't there. i was crying my eyes out and her mom answered the door. it was so awkward. i just sat on the couch and cried with my head in my lap. and her mom rubbed my back and said it'll be okay.

everyone knows me there. they know my cat. they know my parents. they know everything. it's just nice. another family.

when everyone was awake this morning patty was still asleep. i tried waking her up. but she wouldn't have it. it was kind of a bummer. i left her house and she was still asleep.

today will be good.

uhh fuck you?

While I totally understand what you’re saying, I disagree with the idea that lawyers only do it for the money. I want to be a lawyer for a few very specific reasons, and money isn’t one of them. Quite the opposite, in fact, since I’ll be paying off my law school loans ‘til the day I die.

Reasons Claire Wants To Be A Lawyer:

• I don’t really believe in the law. I certainly don’t like the law. The idea of one person wielding any sort of involuntary authority over another sickens me. How to defeat this? Throwing bricks at Starbucks and burning down police stations would only land my ass in jail. The best way to fight the system is to make sure that the law has no grip over other people- that they can do what they want and not fear government intervention. So, I decided to become a criminal defense attorney. Unlike prosecuters, I don’t want to protect the law. I want to protect people from the law.
• I am a pretty eloquent person. (Well, not so much over tumblr, but I am in the real world.) You know how some people are scared of public speaking? I thrive on public speaking. I get an adrenaline rush from giving an impassioned soliloquy in front of hundreds of waiting ears. Other than a politician, (which I may very well end up being) what job is better suited for this than a lawyer?
• I care about politics. Playing a part in the enforcement (or lack thereof) of law and order is fascinating to me. I could sit behind a desk, reading about a drug possession arrest, or I could actually be out there doing something about it.
• If I don’t have a career that gives me an outlet for my argumentative personality, I will either spontaneously combust or end up in prison for assault and battery on the first person who brought up “globalization” or “worker’s rights”.

This career means a lot to me. Enough that I’m willing to spend 7 years in college and spend my life eradicating the ensuing debt. Not only musicians care about what they do.

well, um. okay. i guess i was a little harsh on the lawyers side. i just think it's a little ridiculous what my mom has to pay to get away from my dad. it's not fair. BUT HEY. DAS ME. be a lawyer. do your thang, honey.

why am i like.. kind of mad she has a different opinion? i don't know. she's right. it's fine.

angry savannah just has to say: "I HATED YOU IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND I HATE YOU NOW. YOU USE TO PLAY CELLO AND YOU SUCKED THAT'S WHY YOU'RE BEING A LAWYER. YOU'RE PRETENTIOUS. DIE." haha whoaa now.

i remember i wanted to get my yearbook signed by everyone in fourth grade. but i hated this person's guts. so i was like.. "i still hate you. but can you sign my yearbook?" it was awesome. and she did.

ODC WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE. ish.

heh..

Caleb

mmhm

the girl i'm seeing now is blonde

so that makes 3

2:27pmSavannah

always blonde

official?

2:27pmCaleb

god no

way to soon

we're going slow

it helps that she lives 45 seconds walking distance though

too* soon

of course this would happen soon. i'm just glad. that. it has haha. and suprisingly. i have no urges to find and stalk whoever this woman is! it's weird. but awesome.

things are just too good with this girl i know.. :)

another early morning feelings thing.

MY RIGHT NOSTRIL IS FULL OF SNOT. THE LEFT IS STRAIGHT UP CHILLIN.

doncha hate that?

okay so hunty, i was so like.. nervous to read your blog about what happened last night i had a dream that i did. and you didn't say anything so i wrote one asking you hahah. (i didn't read until now because concert=tireduncaringaboutinternetzsav)

i'm sorry it wasn't.. undissapointing. i guess i'll get deets later.

okay whoa. just read pearl's tumblr. yet again, you helped me. the crying that ensued cleared mah nostrils. hah. :) i wish i knew you when i was doing bad. maybe it wouldn't have gotten to the point it got to. i became friends with you RIGHT after. i remember worrying i wouldn't be able to do peter pan because i was so messed up. i twitched pretty bad at a rehearsal. peter pan was march 13th. my last entry in my journal was march 11th.

"march 11th 2009

Ryan has contacted me.. more than three times.. it kills me.

I'm sensitive to being called a mental patient

I could be one at any time.

My mom threatened the hospital.

My parents don't listen to me.

I'm feeling down again.

No anti-depressant."

caleb said i was acting like a mental patient. joking me one day in theory. it was like he punched me in the face.

whoa. do you guys ever like.. forget how to write? this one day i did. i was so frustrated.

"Wednesday April 29th 2009.

it's back. i have to gather strength to make it through the day.

i can't fuck myself over anymore.

i'm in hell. i am in fucking HELL right now.

how am i this unstable? how is this possible?

i'm so confused. i'm so anxious. it's back. why is it back

i shuold be happy i'm almost oust of school mu gradfes are most up oh my god. ehjmneed help but i cant. my ated wih kill me i need to get a waiver today i cant miss matmh

i cant miss mat

i neeo help i cant do this alone but im fucsd

forced. soon noone will force me to do anig

this weekend IM GONE

im already gone

why doesnt anyone ansertgatd why cant anyone just tell me what to do

why cant i just be fixed?! i cnt handlethis

my mind is freaking ksf i can't err write anytimor

i dont kwo wut to say"

i guess i look back at my journal. to keep me sane. remember what happened. remember how aweful it was. and that i can't let that happen again. i guess. i guess i guess.

on a happier note. elly is the shit. yesterday. 12pm-11:30pm. just awesome. keller williams was awesome. she loved him. which was nice to hear that she liked the same things as me. it was such a fun show. everyone was so happy and into. and... smoking pot. but! still into it. it was great. i think the best part about the concert. was that. i was free to act how i wanted with elly. i wasn't afraid. of parents. or caleb. or my dad. or anyone. it was just me and her and people who like keller williams. which are a good people. i just held her and we danced, laughed, kissed, held hands, talked, joked, told stories, and watched a guy smoke right in front of us.

eh, pot is not my thing girl.

i'm really hungry.

i could tell my mom was crying before i got home last night. i won't ask.

then we watched this aweful movie. "Savage Messiah" about this cult. bleh, it was aweful. a good movie but. like. horrible concept.

six months until graduation. 24 weeks till gsa graduation. 25 weeks until tallwood. eight monthsish until i leave for college. wow.. numbers..

today was good.

i haven't laughed so hard from something so stupid in a really long time hunty :)

and after hunter left. was kind of like. the first time i knew that you trusted me. was when you rcame over because your parents wouldn't let you stay at your house and we were just laying on my bed talking. i know we were good friends before that. but i always think that even my friends like.. don't like me as much as i like them. but when we just talked on my bed that day i was like wow maybe she does trust me and like me back.

i don't know i'm weird as shit.

BYEEEEEE.

sniffle sniffle.

I FEEL SO SICK. everything is worse at night. i can't sleep..

i did not like yesterday like i hope i would have.

i felt wavy. that's the best way to describe it. i wasn't happy or nervous or sad or feeling amazing or 'geekin' out'. i was tired. and i didn't want to feel like whatever i was feeling. i was considering texting someone to help me like. stop feeling like this. i guess i was a little scared. but mostly just. wavy. and tingly.

why do people like that so much?

i gave it a shot. two shots. no good. no good.

today will be good.

tuesday will be good.

wednesday i don't have plans.

thursday i don't have plans.

friday is party

saturday is party.

sunday is homework.

i'm so tired.. i wish i could call elly right now. or anyone for that matter. just makin' a pile of tissues.

the first school i hear anything from. and i'm rejected. i mean.. c'mon.. it was probably the hardest school to get into musically. but. jeez. confidence is gone right now. i feel like i'm going to end up like.. this one person who applied to a buttload of conservatories and now goes to GMU and is in a sorority.

NO SORORITIES PLEASE. I HATE GMUUUU..

i'm not the best right now. shouldn't you want me to come to your school and grow and shit? right? mrs. frittelli says i've grown a lot since freshman year. i have. like.. a lot. not celloly mostly behaviorness and mentally i think. but. i mean. i think i came in freshman year really bad. like i didn't know any scales. i had random infrequent lessons with kriner. never had an etude book. never had any solo music. then like.. christiana's come in and it's like. wtfff. how did you get all this stuff? why are you learning this bach suite already? i don't know. just like. compared to how shitty i started. yeah i'm better. but. i don't know. i kind of wish that. colleges would put that into consideration. HI I'M SHIT AT CELLO RIGHT NOW BUT IF YOU LET ME IN I'M GOING TO FUCKING BLOW YOUR MIND IN FOUR YEARS.

..i promise.

please?

let me innnn.

so please please please let me let me let me let me get what i want this time..

on another note. jesus, things with elly are good. i hope they are in actuality. i don't see why not. but in my mind. things are fucking awesome. and i haven't been so happy in a really long time. especially when it comes to relationships. i wish i had an obnoxious vocabulary to describe how much i like you and how beautiful you are. or i could like.. paint you something awesome. or compose you something "IF I WROTE YOU A SYMPHONYYYYY!" haha no.

i just feel stupid sometimes. like maybe you don't know how much you are making me happy.

an yet another note. alaska is awesome. i love how she likes me more than my mom. i love how she lays next to me. like right now! i'm so awkward with animals and little children. it's nice to be one someone's good side.

okay i'm starting to feel tired now.

jaskd'jgkalsdjsdklfjsd

i just feel

oh hai.

kind of miss this. i didn't hold anything back here.

maybe i'll start typalating here again.

penis.

tumblr.

dear wendysquirrel,

awesome dream of awesomeness

first of all i had the best, most comfortable sleep i've ever had in a really really long time.
second of all. the dream:
i was at tallwood but it was way huger and nothing like what it really looks like but i knew in my mind it was tallwood. and it was 2012 and by this time everyone knew what time the end of the world was going to happen. so my dad was going to pick me up early. but he forgot. so the plan was for all the students to be in their desks and just. sit there and take it. but i didn't believe it was going to happen and i thought that that idea was just fucked up. so i was sneaking through the hallways and i found you and we ran to the third floor of tallwood (nonexistant but in my dream it was totally there) and we were laying down and i was on top of you saying that if we do die i want you to be the last thing i see and touch and be next to. and we were just staring at eachother. then we looked at the clock and it was like 12:01 and we were suppose to die at 12:00. so we just like freaked and hugged eachother. i felt that true happiness feeling in my heart. and we ran around the school skipping andlaughing like we owned it. and everyone was celebrating and rioting. the whole world. everyone in the streets.

hey, it could happen.

neverland.

i went there tonight. i'm getting close to. real happiness. just. you in my arms. i know more happened. but. gah. fucking perfect.

i sound like a lame song about teen love.

YOU IN MY ARMS GIRLLL YEAAAAH LOVE LOVE SHIT.

it's true though..

your head on my chest. your arm around my stomach. i'm playing with your hair.

i can't fuck this up.

i'm so good at that though..

i'm just gonna go with it.

WHORE-O-SCOPE
You have a very special kind of love to give that goes beyond your personal needs and your judgment of someone else. You can clearly see people's flaws now, but you are quick to accept them as part of the package. You could also be willing to work with the fact that your desires are not being fully addressed. Although the gloss of newness may fade, the truth is more satisfying than an unrealistic dream based upon a fantasy.

baby loves to butt sex.

baby loves to dance in the dark.

badmood. madbood. dab doom. bam dood.

being frustrated is the worst.

i want to like. stretch and scream.

i miss you. i don't know why i miss you this amount. but. i do. and. it's frustrating. school tommorow yay..

uh. fuck. i just want to go to bed so it's tommorow.

i hate a days. english and gov. why are my two hardest classes on one day?

i have an orthodontist appointment too. yay tightening.. okay tommorow's going to extra suck.

fucking alex bonilla is going to bother me too. i just want to practice my shit. not your stupid band stuff. gahh..

i'm in a bad mood. i'm sorry guys. today's just been. not what i wanted.

"Me and one of my good friends got peter and wendy! there isn’t really a back story. i just really wanted her to be my girlfriend, and i wanted to get an old peter pan book and scribble in the back. ‘_Name_ Be My Wendy?!’ but never got around to it. years later. this is what we have. i have wendy, and she has pan =)"

:)

211.

last. night. was. good.

fuckit.

fuck "happyblogweek". i made it till thursday.. go me.
whatever.
i'm not a happy person. i'm never going to be a happy person. obviously i can't even pretend to be happy for a week.
i've been in and out of laying in bed crying since exactly 6:00. it's fucking 9:39.
everything is futile.
i hate this blog. i hate this post. i hate everything and everyone including everything i own and everything i have ever looked at and everything i've thought about.
i wish i could write beautifully. i wish i could mask my pain with insane diction and other literary devices.
but i can't.
my writing turns into giant clouds of the same thing written over and over again on, words on top of words. a big mess.
i. am. un. hap. py.

happy.. fucking.. blog..

• i understand poems.
• i understand government.
• ?emhtiwgnorws'tahw..nitidlohtnaci.drahgnikcufyllaer.yrcottnawi

okay okay.

On the surface, things appear to be going well. But a gnawing feeling reminds you that everything takes longer than you wish. You could set yourself up for disappointment if you try to push the river faster than it's already going. On the other hand, when you remember that the water always reaches the sea in time, you'll be able to ease up and let the current events follow their own natural course

huh. okay. okay. i can make this work.
i'll just.. let everything run it's course.

hppyblog3

• i talked to trevor! and we bonded.


• i didn't kill anyone!


• i had a focused practice session


• i found a cool picture in the paper


• i wrote a good note.. in my opinion


• i made a list of what to do tonight. like a schedule.


• i'm being very productive this year. well.. the past few weeks.


• patty is giving me her popper book


• i have 109 in oceanography


• i spent money for the first time today. maybe not a good thing. but it felt nice. to be frivolous with money for a second.


• i had a good time with andy: in terabithia, borjo, rehearsal.


• i got a sticker for my case!


• i met a guy with a cool mustache who made me hot chocolate with marshmellows and whipped cream!


• rehearsal wasn't completely aweful..


• pearl got her belly button pierced!


• not a slut


• today was a pretty good day.


• really good actually :)

holy sheet.

This can be quite a social day with the Full Moon visiting your 11th House of Friends. But it can also be somewhat stressful because you might prefer quality one-on-one time with a special companion rather than just being one of the crowd. However, losing yourself in a group does have its own special advantage now, for you can maintain enough anonymity that you won't have to talk about a topic you want to keep to yourself for a while longer.

constructive rest. hppblgdy2

tuesday.

before school:

i woke up lateish. i got ready pretty fast. faster than usual. as i walked out of the band room. this big group of band kids stopped talking as i walked by. completely silent. and then as i pass by they all bust out laughing. saying things about me. i don't understand people.. i didn't do anything to them. i don't talk to them. i don't ignore them. i actually am helping out tallwood orchestra. so shut the fuck up. leave me alone.. jeez.

advance placement government:

viet (only friend at tallwood) drew a picture of me. it's kind of scary looking. i drew one of him and it fell on the floor and my teacher taped it on the filing cabinet. it looked a lot like viet. just.. with wolverine claws. ahhah. i got two 100 quizzes. nothing to freak about. gov is easy for me. this guy cheated off of me. asshole. i fucking hate that school.

advanced placement english:

i bombed a wuthering heights test. beasted the short answer part! read an awesome poem. had to listen to stupid overachievers. gah, i want to like. beat them until they don't care anymore. i think my teacher likes me. i have a bleh grade in there. just a 88. but i'm pretty okay at interpreting poems. and writing shit. because i actually give a shit about the content. not getting straight A's like the overachiever assholes. i hate them..

studyblock/lunch/pracitce block:

this guy wants me to play in this band of his. it's like.. fuckin'. avenged sevenfold shit. GROSS. he's so awkward. like.. i don't know. socially. there's a lot of silences. and small talk. he wants a quartet. i'll get caleb for sure. but the violins.. uhhh ahah who would be willing? weird.. he really fucked up my practice focus. after his dumb weird conversation i was all flustered and practiced stupidly. not fun..

my stupid middle finger on my left hand is messed up. it's like an aweful bruise. whenever i touch it it hurts. even like.. lightly. ughhh. cello sucks now.

bus:

didn't really talk. kept to myself. listened to telephone.

lesson:

i love mrs. frittelli. the allegro of the vivaldi no. 5 sonata is good. the largo is bleh. rough still. but i really care about it. like.. allegro came easier to me. but the largo i really want to be awesome and i want to work really hard on it to get it to where i'm happy with it. ya know?

da camera:

weird mood. um. it was okay. i suck at that music. that's the bottom of my practice list.

eurythmics:

constructive rest. i'm usually not a fan. but it was great this time. with all my stressing out i really needed that recharge. good for other lame reasons too.. haha. i wonder if you notice these things..

bus:

caleb bought me starbucks. i'm trying to not gain 23890476 pounds. but it was nice of him. bus was kind of weird. with the whole. moral dilemma. and darrin was talking to karl about math stuff. i just listened to gag. telephoneee. i love me some hunter though. kind of a weird mood on the bus.

home:

fine. me and my mom are the shit. on the first bus. to gsa. i was just thinking about how much i love her. i just. i would do anything for her. i'm so close with her now. i feel aweful for blaming her for everything. so stupid..

dinner with dad:

family guy. chinese food. no conversation. the usual..

okay i just realized maybe not all of this was happy.. uhhh. i'll go back and strike through the possible "sad" stuff. mm.. EDIT TIMEEE!

weird noticing how much i like.. say mean things about myself. "isuck" "cellosucks"

i'm going to try to not say "sucks" as much on this.

we'll see how that goes..

emily bronte

I see around me tombstones grey
Stretching their shadows far away.
Beneath the turf my footsteps tread
Lie low and lone the silent dead -
Beneath the turf - beneath the mould -
Forever dark, forever cold -
And my eyes cannot hold the tears
That memory hoards from vanished years
For Time and Death and Mortal pain
Give wounds that will not heal again -
Let me remember half the woe
I've seen and heard and felt below,
And Heaven itself - so pure and blest,
Could never give my spirit rest -
Sweet land of light! thy children fair
Know nought akin to our despair -
Nor have they felt, nor can they tell
What tenants haunt each mortal cell,
What gloomy guests we hold within -
Torments and madness, tears and sin!
Well - may they live in ectasy
Their long eternity of joy;
At least we would not bring them down
With us to weep, with us to groan,
No - Earth would wish no other sphere
To taste her cup of sufferings drear;
She turns from Heaven with a careless eye
And only mourns that we must die!
Ah mother, what shall comfort thee
In all this boundless misery?
To cheer our eager eyes awhile
We see thee smile, how fondly smile!
But who reads not through the tender glow
Thy deep, unutterable woe?
Indeed no darling land above
Can cheat thee of thy children's love.
We all in life's departing shine,
Our last dear longings blend with thine,
And struggle still and strive to trace
With clouded gaze thy darling face.
We would not leave our nature home
For any world beyond the tomb.
No, mother, on thy kindly breast
Let us be laid in lasting rest,
Or waken but to share with thee
A mutual immortality.

fuck yes.
i'm not sure i agree with the whole staying on Earth forever thing. but.. definitely the whole. Heaven would suck because all the angels would be all happy and shit and wouldn't understand the pain of Earth.
immortality would suck though.

bronte is a freakin' genius. she was like two years old when she wrote all this stuff.

peter pan.

never say goodbye
because goodbye means going away
and going away means forgetting.

RASH!?

you make my day hunter harold mayton :)

k.

You are excited when you think about the future, but it's hard to tell if you're just making it all up. Romance may seem quite real to you now as you dangle a carrot in front of yourself in order to get motivated. Regardless of what happens, this is a positive development if it encourages you to take care of business today so you are ready for whatever happens later on.

i think i want a lion tattoo. nothing giant and epic. just a lil' guy.

tattoos:

• lion
• sylvia plath
• quotes
• anchor
• bass clef

to do list:

• finish scholarship paper
• find another interest group to join
• practice: all college rep. focus on vivaldi
• drink 2 liters of water
• eat every three hours
• work out with mom
• teach her theory
• work on E1+E2
• survive tallwood
• attempt thumb callus
• get materials for plan X
• make a long term to-do list

lists are so impersonal. anyone can write a list. grocery list. guest list. to-do list. prose is different. poetry is different. those people are special..

"ok ok. my favorite part was laying in bed listening to music. i missed it. alot."
i guess i don't answer your questions all the time because..