day thirty one.

REMEMBER SAY RABBIT RABBIT TOMMOROWWWWWWWW.

i am fucking homesick. it's weird. can a person be homesick when only gone for a few days? that leads to the question can i go to an out of state school if i feel this way after only a few days? with my brain concluding in OH GOD NO BERKLEE.

so paranoid.

i am just tired of not knowing where i am. or anybody. and being stuck with my mom. i love my mom. you know that. but. I NEED SOME ALONE TIME GUYS. i'm sure she feels the same way. i just want to go home. not just for elly (:D) buttt. i don't know! i want to go home. that's all i know. i'm frustrated here.
i think that. when i'm like seriously living here and this becomes my home i'll be fine. but. right now. no thanks.
will vcu be the same? or okay since it's only a few hours away? me and eric driving there really put in perspective how close it is. i don't know why. but it did.
i almost cried today. due to the illness described above. UGHHH WAAAHHH VBVBVBVBVBVBVB.

just saying things like "yeah, back home it's snowing" or "yeah, i go to governors school for the arts in virginia." ughhh
;LDJAGLJDSIAOFDSJHFEWH;ALKFDS

day thirty.

2:00 warm up time.
2:30 audition time.

let's go.

belated day twenty nine.

main points!

• my butt exploded last night either from the combination of cream cheese bagel, giant burrito, truffles, and chinese food. OR. audition which now is in three and a half hours..
• i bought a lot of clothes for myself. something i use to do like every weekend but now like never do. it's awesome.
• walked a lot.
• made a long video for elly.
• made a short video for elly.
• practiced.
• tried on my audition outfit one hundred times.
• talked to caleb.

i really miss pearl. honestly, probably, most likely, if i don't get in to here. i'll be at VCU. penn state is getting lower and lower on my list. but it's good to audition and kim cook is really nice. and patty's.. a good person.

anddddd. you really shouldn't have to blog about what you did that day. because i want to hear about it from you on the phone or through text. i text and call you all the time it's inevitable that you'll spill the beans of your entire day before you hit the computer. which is a good thing :)

THREE AND A HALF HOURS.

day twenty eight.

boston.

day twenty seven.

gov. stupid raymond bothering me. stupid laila being stupid.
eng. we watched one flew over the cuckoos nest. nothing wrong with that.
study block. practiced sibelius and saint saens.
bus. talked to pearl.
theory. sight sung sang snag.
senior prep. david and andrew played.
orchestra. i sat next to elly. first and second. how it should be. hah. it was fun. very hard. my arms kind of gave out. scary..
bus. hunty and darebear.
blah. pearl. weird scary moment. resolved. boston market. practice soon. weird tyra episode. a;lkdsjflasjdfl;sjad


i am going to boston tommorow. saturday i am auditioning for my dream school.





..wow.

day fuck.

fuck.
jfa;skdlhfasdlkhg'asdlkjasdkcnsakldnfc'sadkljdsflk :(

day twenty six.

internet routine:
facebook. respond to shit.
in no particular order: elly's blog, elly's tumblr, hunter's blog, pearl's tumblr.
make my own blog.
peruse tumblr. like things.
youtube maybe.
end.

TODAY NO ELLY. 1 HR LESSON. DA CAMPOOP. EURYTHMICS WITHOUT ELLY. IT'S KATIE BONDING DAAAAAAY.
mm oceanography. you are such a waste.
and din din with dad.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG TODAAAAAAAAAAY:
practicing before lunch
an hour lesson unprepared
da camera suckage
katie not bonding
dinner with dad

AHF;DSJFA;SDLKJFIWEJFSA;KD

berklee thoughts.

I am majoring in performance... But on drum set, not orchestral percussion. Unfortunetaly, berklee does not really cater to classical performance :( It is mostly geared towards jazz kids. So if you want to do performance, improv is a huge factor. Listen to gypsy jazz. That style of music is soooooooo cool because it only utilizes strings! Listen to it if you haven't already! I love it and I am sure you will too! There are some orchestras and small chamber ensembles but they are very limited.

that's fine. this is my dream school. the campus is modern. it's looking towards the future and is always keeping up with what's going on in music today. and i walk down the streets and everyone has an instrument on their back and i know a guy who loves it here and he's so passionate and real. i can add that same attitude to this school. it's in fuckin' boston. it's like a calmer version of new york. it still has that art scene though. it's an urban area. where i can find a lot of gigs start things there. meet people. network. good enviroment for music. the teacher is so incredibly nice. he was the only one who i clicked with and was really nice to me on the college tour with my dad. he made me feel okay about myself! hahah. for once. he was personable and taught me things i never knew on the first lesson. he said it was fine if i stick with my classical roots he is there to nurture whatever path i want to go on. whatever growth i want to start doing. god. it's perfect. but i'm so afraid that i won't be able to show them all this in an interview and an audition. that i won't be able to play all the improvising and jazz stuff. i don't know that. that's why i want to go there to learn and i will. i'm a fast learner and i work my butt off. i'm not one of those naturally talented people. i work. i can learn the jazz feel and shit.
i just need the chance.
it's like luck almost.
i need this.






look:

day twenty five.

just a weird day.
ughh tyra show. people dating people with kids. :/ they brought the daughter on the tyra show and she was saying how her dad doesn't pay attention to her and their relationship is not good anymore and blah. whatever.
ellyleyleyleyleyeley.
she's cool.
i just wanted to come home today.

day twenty five.

i am not a morning person.

i leave thursday for boston.
"Hey savannah!
Well, I know this might sound cliche but for the interview be 100% yourself! I only say this because you already have great energy and a fantastic personality! Smile a lot, ask the Interviewer questions, brag a little (so they see you have confidence), and make sure you maintain direct eye contact! As for the audition, think of it like an all state audition: prepared piece, maybe scales, easy sight reading. Along with that, they might ask you to Improv (ask one of the jazz kids in GSA to help you out with that, ask them about how to read a lead sheet and improv over the form) they might play certain chords on the piano and you will be asked to identify the type of chord. That is all I can think of right now! what kind of major do you hope to go for?"
sebastianchiriboga.

i can do this. right?
i like aaron. i'm kind of sad i'm the only person at gsa he's opened up to but kind of happy? lucky? i don't know.
caleb has not been on my good side lately. UGH.

since my period did me a favor and took a while to happen. it's like okay that was me being the mr. nice guy. now he's going crazy on my uterus. THANKSSSSSSSS.

fuuuck.
i hope today turns out.. okay. this is not a good morn..

day twenty four.

wow. the days are going by so fast now.

remember http://babeeganoush.blogspot.com? yeaaah. just wondering.

i'm in a list mood. let's make some lists.

1. the fact you say ridic.
2. when you say things that aren't meant to be funny but get me WEAK.
3. that noise
4. your obedient hair
5. the way you make my hair 10x more crazy and giant.
6. your writing
7. your strength
8. your voice
9. your breath, and let me explain this one. it isn't the olfactory sense i'm talking about it's when you fall asleep on the phone and i hear it. or we're watching a movie and laying down and i feel it. or we're hugging and i feel it or we're breathing heavily and it's like when i breathe in you breathe out. i just. like that.
10. you

1. DAR wished my mom was there. really hard trying to fight back the tears while standing next to the mayor and my dad getting my picture taken. and my gov teacher beaming.
2. tropical smoothie club :) mmm i love clubs.
3. i love driving to get elly. it's. exciting somehow. i'm just really happy driving there.
4. i got to see hunty. i missed him.
5. i got to see my mom. she was okay with everything.
6. i got to talk to diana!
7. i got to get something off my chest :)
8. i got to eat tacos!
9. i called pmc
10. andddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ellziscoolz.

1. poop
2. doodoo
3. caca
4. dung
5. stool
6. feces
7. droppings
8. excrement
9. TOILET ORPHAN.
10. shit

http://crazy_atheist.tripod.com/poop.html

day twenty three.

there, i said it. :)

day twenty three.

yesterday. i was really happy. really really. really. happy. i had to just blurt out everything i was feeling and then leave.. gah, i'm.. speechless.

i was suppose to hang out with katie, sam, and gabby. i mostly wanted to hang out with katie. but she had to study for her subject test and gabby had something. so after elly i just went to katie's house. and we hung out. and we went to the beach. and.. i think we have potential. she's.. interesting. "i'm like a divorce and you're like alec baldwin teaching me to have fun and love again!"

hahaha. oh katie, please don't turn into a haleigh that calls me a bad influence and kicks me out.

we might go to the concert tonight.

ughhguhgugheleleytkleuleeelleleelyeleyeyelyeyleyleylelellelleyeleyelleley..

gotta go be a national daughter of the american revolution now..

KTHNXBI.

day twenty two.

dear period, i think you're coming. please wait another day. PLEASE.
sincerly,
hannavas

today has the potential for greatness.





..but that usually doesn't work out.
let's just hope for okayness!

day twenty one.

i haven't cried that hard in a REALLY long time. wow.
that was a burn dad..

INTERNET YOU BORE ME.

elly, you don't.




tommorow will be interesting..

day twenty one.

okay this might be gross but.. my closest friends read this. and YA KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' GIRLZZZ.
i don't keep track of my period. and it's arrival. but i know it's usual ballpark eta. anddd. it would just be really nice if it didn't come at school. i hate that. IT'S ALWAYS A SUPRISEE.. i wish i was regular.



..anyways.

today i have therapy with my dad. and. my mom asked if i want to have therapy again with dr. carol by myself since the year is new and the insurance will cover it again.. i'm not sure.. should i?
i hope GSA doesn't suck cause i'm all cryish from my appointment. please don't suck. i get to see elly. i need to be happy..

day twenty.

BEEEEEEEEST DAAAAY EEEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!
hah. it was okay.
oceanography i left in the middle of class to take this picture for the yearbook. cause i was an election page for the governor's election. there was like.. twenty others. a lot more than i thought. i got a certificate.. kind of. important i guess.
practicepracticepractice.
theory. i got an A- on my test! better than caleb (B-) better than.. everyone haha. i did da best in the class! it's very exciting. caleb usually dominates the class. INYOFACE. hah. i'm not a sore.. winner..
senior prep. katie played elgar. it was craycray. andrew k has improved so much it's awesome. david too! everyone. i hope i have?
orchestra. wasn't too aweful..
bus ride was amazing. just. too amazing for words. edo yelling about not liking obama. random girl yelling at him for being racist then yelling at ashley moody. hunter saying things funny. weakness.
oh god. it was. good.
no elly though. that's.. a problem. tommorow will be crazy.
ha;lsdjflkasjdlkfjadsi'mtired.

SO MUCH PRACTICING. THREE HOURSSSZSZ.

WOOPS. DAY NINETEEN/DAY TWENTY.

1. no elly
2. opera orchestra with like fourty people in a small room singing loudly playing instruments loudly fischer yelling loudly sweat farts stuffiness back pain
3. gabby talking car ride home hangout planned: katie, sam, and gabby THE QUATRAIN OF JUICE. every gsa trip i roomed with them. NY: katie, sam, gabby, me SF:didn;t go.. CHICAGO: katie, sam, gabby, me. NY: katie, sam, gabby, me
4. lesson: i didn't cry! i just felt like it.. and i just kept saying well i know that i am on the track to giving her what she wants.
5. english made me angry as usual.. there's like a group of elite students in there that they all laugh at eachother and are smart and joke and are politically efficate. ugh. i want to kill them. so they all like read this thing they wrote in front of the class and they all laughed. then i go up there to read my thing with my partner who is probably as disgustingly shy as i am. and they talk THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME OVER ME. what the hell. hate hatheahtheatheahtheahte. that class makes me so mad. but i love it so.. PRE JOHN DONNE JESUS FREAK I'LL BE YOUR ANNE MOORE.
6. i kick ap gov's ass. end of story. not bein' cocky..
7. caleb.. uhh. so awkward. why do you bother me so much? oh. and by the way. something i never told you: your stupid scottish accent is annoying and you suck at it.
8. hunter is da best. couldn't go a day without seein' him.
9. i miss jeremy kind of a lot.
10. YAY SUN.
11. STOP TOUCHING MY SCARS. THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE. I'M JUST WEARING TSHIRTS. I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR FOUR YEARS AARON WHITEHURST. I HAVE HAD THESE FOR MORE THAN JUST NOW. AND RAYMOND. IT'S NOT FROM THE CAT.
12. ugh i'm kind of frustrated right now.. stop talking to me. i'm blogging
13. i like talking to you on the phone. you make me laugh way too hard.
14. operation tia: redo sunday.

DAY TWENTY.

I'M SORRY PEARL I'M SORRY PEARL I'M SORRY FPEARL IE'RAJSDLKFJSLKD JFSDFKS;DJF
college auditions are freaking me out. BUT THAT'S NO EXCUSE.
today. i have dinner with my dad. and begin begging for money for my cello lessons.. yay..
it's funny. if i go to vcu i have the potential of being with a lot of people i know. if i go to penn state patty and maybe caleb will be there. if i go to berklee. NO ONE. cbass. but i doubt he'll talk to me. but right now i just really really have all my hopes and dreams and candy in berklee. I LEAVE NEXT THURSDAY FOR IT.. MISSING ALL MY EXAMS HAHAHAHA.
fuck you tallwood.
i respect elly. i would do anything to avoid missing gsa. but she's a trooper and does what she has to.
i think i've been meaner to kevin. which i don't want to do. i don't want to be that friend who hates the ex because.. it's my job. but. it'shardnotto.

i've been busting out all my happy music lately. now that's it's nice outside and i'm trying really really hard to stay happy. i listened to swing by savage yesterday.
yeah..

i. am. happy. and. i. will. stay. this. way.
ARE YA WITH ME?!

day eighteen.

btdubs. i feel better now.
eyes are still stinging from crying. did not leave the house today. but. that's cool.
i am starting over.
i am practicing for two hours. i am recording myself everyday (yes, on your wall ellz). anddd. shit's going to get done. right..
uhh. so that's it.
today was a bummer. but.

yeah, that's it. it was just a bummer.

day eighteen.

weird moods coming and going.
i'm like frustrated with myself. i'd love to lay on the couch all day and watch the sundance channel. or sleep. or play with my cat. but i have to.. practice. i'd love to talk to pearl and hunter but i just sit on the couch. or i just. do shit with aaron or elly. i'm like.. losing the will to do things. i don't know why. i just. don't want to anymore. what's the point.

okay. reading over that. that sounds really bad..
that was always one of the questions they asked me at the doctor's office.
"have you lost interest in your hobbies or things you usually enjoy doing?"
uhh. then i would always think. well i still care about cello. i still go to gsa. i must care. i must still like it. so i would say no.
now i feel a yes coming on..
uhh.
fuck.
whatever.
i'll get over it.. i always do. right?
i'm just sick of crying after every lesson. why don't i just practice and fix that?
i don't know. i've lost the will. i just have to kick my own ass into doing it.
yay..

i'm also losing my obsession with the internet. first youtube life. gone. losing interest in facebook. tumblr. this is just a tool to complain which i'm doing right now so i still use this.
i think that is a good thing though.
now that the weather is nicer i need to get out there.
i mean.
i need to practice.
fuck.

why can't i be naturally good like everyone else?
why do i have to work so hard and get nothing in return..

"I regret to inform you that we will be unable to invite you for a live audition"

day eighteen.

aaron=cool
elly=the heavens in the sky above
hunter=baby jesus' diaper of amazing juice
pearl=the incredibly lotioned skin of jesus
yeah.
i'm a little. really nervous. because of shit.
yesterday was a all cello day. i got to see elly though and talk to her on the phone.
blah. nothing really happened. well. a lot happened. but whatever.
insignificant.
i need to practice.

day seventeen.

long day of cello.

i get to see elly.

i get to see little kids.

i get to let them play my cello.

i get to show off basically to get kids to like the cello.

i get to hang out with aaron from 4-curfew if he believes in curfew hahah.

oh god.

"sobriety, isn't that a great word, savannah?"

uhh.

day sixteen.

i could've continued forever..

jus' sayin'.

sogood.

day sixteen.

day fifteen was good. my eye is twitching.

me and caleb got in an awesome fight which ended in me crying. i think anything not laughing will end in me crying lately. i want to cry just randomly now. which is not a good thing. ANYWAYS.

yeah so i will not elaborate on the snippy mocking tear filled death match yesterday that was like fifteen minutes. we good. whatever.. ughhghughguhguhguhguhg

then.. i drove. and. me and darrin had dinner at taphouse grill. it was SOOOOOO good. best club ever? yaaa.

then i found this vhs that i use to watch EVERY. DAY. of my childhood. so i bought that shit at the thrift store. and we witnessed a strange conversation where a woman called me precious and the other kept saying CHURCH. CHURCH. then we picked up the livster. then we sold tickets. then we watched the concert which was reallyyyy good. and then. i drove dar home. and i peed at his house. and then i went home and was exhausted. talked to ellster. blah.

oh, and haleigh. you're a inconsiderate asshole.

somehow i forgot that poor aspect.

SUCKIT.

igettoseeellytoday.

day fifteen.

the first time i'll be driving in 90 days. will be. with. the darebear.

day fourteen.

i don't know why. it's probably unfair. but. it's true. so.

day fourteen.

looking back. i was generally in a bad mood.
gov. whatever. i studied the whole time.
eng. anger. ya ready? here it comes. YOU THINK YOU'RE SO HIGH AND MIGHTY IN YOUR SCA SHIT AND PRESIDENT OF 2010 WHATTHEFUCKEVER. AND THINK YOU'RE FUCKING SMART TAKING 15 APS AND GETTING 5'S ON ALL OF THEM. BUT YOU TALK THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME DURING THIS CLASS AND THEN YELL AT OTHERS TO SHUT UP. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I HATE YOU GUYS. I HATE YOU GUYS. EVER SINCE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. YOU DON'T CARE. YOU JUST WANT TO LOOK GOOD. THERE IS NO SUBSTANCE TO YOU. JUST YOUR GRADES AND YOUR LOOKS. SUCK MY DICK.
also. referring to the same class:
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS. YEAH THAT GIRL IN THE POEM KILLED HERSELF. HER LIFE WAS MISERABLE. YEAH IT'S HER PARENTS FAULT. YEAH IT'S SOCIETY'S FAULT. IT'S EVERYONE'S FAULT. DON'T BLAME HER. SHUTTHEFUCKUP. HOW ABOUT YOU GET RIDICULED EVERYDAY AND SEE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KILL YOURSELF AFTERWARDS.
LIKE YOU DO TO ME. LIKE YOU FUCKING DO TO ME.
then i practiced.
then gsa. i sat next to haleigh on the bus. i do this thing. when i've.. been estranged from a friend or i'm mad at them. i joke about my anger and they'll be like "yeah beccie just stopped talking to me so we're not friends. it was so out of the blue" "you're good at that too! :D" so passive agressive.. such a bad quality. oh well. it was like that the whole bus ride. we did laugh though. it was.. not awful.
quintet. bad mood. elly was. out of it. i was out of it. i wanted to just focus on the music. everyone was goofing off (which i usually do) but today i was not in the mood. it was fun though.. i guess. just ughhh.
da camera. same thing as quintet. jason agola kept like. fucking bumping into me and goofing off and being so fucking loud. same with mackenzie. i was trying to play this piece eric composed for cello and i couldn't hear myself and he is probably worried.. UGHHGUHGUHGUG.. I'M A GOOD CELLIST I SWEAR.
i thought.
great composers. mood better. elly felt better. i think we're at that point in the relationship where my mood is directly linked to hers. last night i was just. in so much pain in my chest because she was so upset. i care so much about her. and today. seeing her not herself. god. i really had to hold it in to not cry during da camera. we're connected.
the bus ride was good. really good. i got to sit next to her. very good.
driving school i got 178/200 on my test. passed. license back tomorrow bitches.
ughhh. still in a weird mood. i need to talk to elly.
i hope this isn't unhealthy.
maybe.
who cares.
i like her.
also.
i want hunter happy. can the forces of the earth give my friends a break for a second? that'd be great.. or jesus. whatever. anyone/thing. just stop being a dick for a second. they're good people. i love them.

day thirteen.

nothing happened to me.
but how can a day be good when you aren't happy and i can't talk to you on the phone or in person. and i know it's hard to talk anyway because of how you're feeling. even if i don't know the specific reason. even if you don't know the specific reason.
god.
i have nothing to say.
i just. want to be there for you.
my phone will be on. if you message me on facebook. it will be sent to my phone and i'll go online right when i hear the phone go off.
i am available.
elly, if you are on at one or something. or get a hold of the house phone. anything. i. am. available.

life isn't fair. i don't understand.

savannah.

savannah
i hope to be there by the morning
and see this pining all transforming
into the arms of the georgia sun
savannah
i'd love to feel the heat the sunrise
brushing rays across my windshield as if one dries
the streams from off my face
yet i know you'll be there cause you'll know.
i'll want you to be there and we'll say hello
as you're smiling in love and we'll sigh so relieved
i believe because we will both know by tonight
we'll feel normal again but until then
savannah
our backs supported by a hammock
we sum up perfection by a handbook
and god knows it all too well
savannah
we'll take a walk to find a gift shop
who would've thought the book that you bought
would never come off the shelf
yet i know you'll be there cause you'll know
i'll want you to be there and we'll say hello
as you're smiling in love and we'll sigh so relieved
i believe because we will both know by tonight
we'll feel normal again but until then
baby i spent my life wondering when i'd find you
i searched for all these years and now you're right here
and i need you to know that
everything makes sense when you're with me
savannah
walk out into the sultry evening
cotton breathing when the sea winds
brush the hair down around your neck
savannah
you hold my hand like it's the first time
and all the feelings that our hearts find
will be just what we expect

weird.

day twelve.

i cried.
gov. raymond. he's.. slow. i took off my jacket and i was wearing a tshirt. and he asks if i have a cat. i said yes. he said that my cat must be bad because of all my scratches. and i kept saying please, i don't want to talk about it. i have a cat. that's it. and he kept saying. look at her arms! all because of her cat! what the hell.. leave. me. alone.
eng. nothing.
lunch. nothing.
bus. tia. that was nice. "that wasn't very convincing.." ha.
lesson. reality check as always. mama frifri is worried. suggesting schools i should apply to. that kills man. she's losing confidence in me.
da camera. aaron said i looked gorgeous. it was nice of him. it was fine. i'm trying to fix things with gabby.
eurythmics. i got to be with elly a lot.
oh funny story: darrin was talking about how a lot of people make out in the stairway. i think dionne told him that's where everyone goes and he told jeremy as he was waiting for his lesson and then jeremy was not believing him and darrin was like look for yourself! sure enough.. me and elly are going at it down there. hhahaha. weak.
bus. dionne is worried to. that sent me over the edge. darrin made a good point. they care. and i'm lucky to have people care. so. i need to shut it.
it's okay elly. it was just strange. you are usually the one who lets things go. and doesn't get to fired up. it was strange. that's all. good to let it out though.
i practiced.
yeah. so. whatever. i'm in a weird mood. i need to cheer up before elly calls. which is in seven minutes hopefully.. gah.
i can do this.

day twelve.

what the hell. why was day eleven so up and down?
why did i cry so much? i don't cry anymore. i'm better. i'm a success story. i've been through it and came out the other side. why is that sinking feeling back in my heart? what the fuck.
a mother always knows. i always know when it's coming back. i have that feeling. the heart chest feeling. i can't let this happen. i have. things to do. right? right.
yesterday. my mother yelled at me for something stupid. i cried at school. i went to the orthodontist and got my top wire changed. elastics in three weeks.. i got to see elly and wrote her a note and gave her shells. caleb and i were so fuckin' weak throughout theory. i don't know why. we just kept laughing. senior prep andrew annoyed the shit out of me. and i played like shit. my memory came and went. it was the first time i played the prelude by memory. my sound is deeper though. that's what i'm going for. i want my cello to surround your body and make it vibrate with my sound. they said i need to make the first page more like the second. so that's what i'll do. i need to practice more. i started last night. orchestra i felt good about how i practiced sibelius. the others not so much. some yeah. but not so much. the bus was great. hot. but great. i was weak the whole time. and elly got to sit on my lap! then the bus ride home david thom peed in two water bottles. and my mom yelled at me again. causing me to cry again.. i think elly got her phone taken away. but we had a good conversation.
it's official. elanor andrea tier is my girlfriend.
haaha we've known it's been like that. but we said it last night. so that's good. yay titles.
then i went to bed with my face on elly's tshirt. i think it helps me dream about her. she's been in all of them lately.
i don't want to cry all the time. i don't want to think about.. anything like what i'm thinking. i need to be strong for others. not this. i need to work on my future and focus on cello not this. i need to be a better girlfriend. not this. a better daughter. a better student. a better member of fucking society. not. this.

i can.

day eleven.

THREE. HOURS. jesus.
maybe i am a lesbian. that's all i keep thinking haha.
just gotta.. keep thinking.
jozy got into VCU. however with the past few nonacceptances i am not so sure i got in. blah. CONFIDENCE GONE.
yesterday was amazing. i was like. giddy happy afterwards. i wasn't crazy happy because of the physical part but because. after that, you reach this level of comfort with the other person. and i really like her. and. i was just glad i was able to make her happy and a;hsdlkfjdsklafs

I'M HAPPY OKAY?!

i can't explain. i'm really tired.
today i have an orthodontist appointment. last bday study block i had therapy with my dad. the b day study block before that i got lunch with my mom.
i think all those kids are.. starting to wonder. hahah. maybe they think i'm a secret agent!

do i look like a senior? my study block teacher doesn't think so. and she's not the first. maybe that's a good thing? i lose respect though. especially with mrs. doane-butts. she respects adults and seniors. everyone else is scum. it's bullshit. but.
that's tallwood i guess. that's a high school actually hahah.
UGHHH. i hope i get into college.
i was so sure i would. now i'm scared as hell.

day ten.

marlowe sent me a message. GUESS WE'RE GON' TRY AGAIN. interesting.

elly is coming over.

i had a crazy dream. i wrote it down so i could tell her when she comes.

then aaron will come here. then we'll practice and go for the gold at HRCP hah. hooray..

i hope i don't suck at the vivaldi. that was my shit. if you walked through the halls at diehn and you didn't hear me playing that then there was something wrong haha. whenever the cello was around i was practicing that piece. it was the first big thing i did on a recital. possibly the first thing i did by myself. funny how that works. so many things have come full circle this year. i can make that list later. uhh

i wish i could kidnap matt and deliver the goods to pearl. but. i can't drive.

pearl and hunter are so supportive. i wish i could. repay them somehow. i'm in a weird mood. i just love them. and i'm thankful.

yesterday was a good mom/sav day. i took a nap. woke up. went to jason's deli because we both craved club sandwiches. got ice cream. visited dream houses. went home. computer. elly. bed.

i heard birthday sex and tik tok 2803457 times yesterday it was amazing.

court wasn't that awful. SO YEAH.

thasit.

day nine.

driving school ended early. hurrah.

-big sigh-

i need to find something to do today. or not. i don't know what i want. i know the results and stuff are basically over but. gosh. checking my email is not a new exciting task anymore. it's scary.

that's all that happened today. maybe i'll update later.

blahhh. i want to hang out with elly.

day eight.

good concert yeah..

three emails. in two days. three schools i didn't get accepted in. i applied to six.

i'm basically in vcu. but what if pearl leaves? would i still want to go as much? would i really be happy there?

why am i crying? this. isn't a big deal right?

i'm really worried now. what if i don't get in to a college? has this happened to anyone? to not get into three fucking schools in a row.fuck.

i fucking driving school from 7:45 to 2:30 what the hell. i have to take a test bring a bag lunch.

fuck that. i'm never driving stupid again. it's not fucking worth it. it's not funny anymore.

fuck.

day eight.

January 8, 2010

Dear Savannah,

We have recently sent an e-mail containing the results of our prescreening review for your application to the Cello Performance program at New England Conservatory. Due to an error in our database, the address that was displayed in your prescreening result e-mail is not the address you have listed in your application. Although the address was incorrect, the result of the prescreening review remains the same.

We apologize for any confusion this may have caused and would be happy to send a new letter with the correct address if requested.

Once again, we thank you for expressing interest in attending NEC. Please accept our best wishes as you continue your musical endeavors.

Sincerely,

Nadine Abigaña

Senior Admissions Counselor:

Strings and Woodwinds

New England Conservatory

290 Huntington Avenue

Boston, MA 02115

Phone: 617-585-1104

Fax: 617-585-1115

day eight.

Ms. Savannah Flores

savannah9flores@gmail.com

Classical Violoncello Bachelor of Music - 1st Year Freshman (no previous college)

Dear Savannah:

Greetings from Manhattan School of Music!

Thank you for applying to Manhattan School of Music. I am choosing to communicate your prescreening results with you via email so that you will receive the result in the timeliest fashion.

The Faculty has reviewed the prescreening materials that you submitted for the major specified above, and I regret to inform you that we will be unable to invite you for a live audition in New York for the 2010-2011 academic year.

I realize that this is disappointing news; however it should not deter you from pursuing your goal of studying music at the highest level possible. This determination reflects an evaluation of your current materials. You should not consider this a reflection of your future in the field of music. You may reapply to Manhattan School of Music next year, if you wish.

I extend to you my warmest wishes and sincerely hope that you will make other educational plans that will help you to achieve your desired objectives.

All the best-

Amy A. Anderson

Associate Dean for Enrollment Management

Manhattan School of Music

things that sucked.

• my laptop cord is not charging. i'm holding it in with one hand and typing with the other
• i got denied an audition at manhattan school of music. fucking two conservatories now. out of the three
• da camera i forgot my music and katie freaked out at me.
• i suck at da camera music
• i suck at orchestra
• i suck at setting up the section
• i suck at being a good girlfriend. friend what ever the fuck.
• i suck at being a good person.
• being a fucking good daughter.
• i hate having therapy before gsa it fucks up my whole day.
• i hate being stared at when i cry and getting all this stupid advice from a stupid woman with a lisp who thinks she fucking knows me like the back of her hand from two sessions.
• i hate making my dad cry
• i hate this stupid anger i'm feeling right now.
• why am i mad
• whyajkl'dslgf
• i didn't expect to get into those schools. it just sucks not being wanted.
• i hate getting use to that. fuck everything
• fuck everyone fuck me.
• i try so. fucking. hard.

day seven.

no more outbursts like day six.

okay?

day six.

gov: i won the daughters of the american revolution award. (have a good grade in ap gov, and community service) i answered a lot of questions.

english: nothing interesting. poems. poems. poems.

practice: i felt really in tune. memorizing is going well

bus: headache beginning

good talking to hunter..

theory: i didn't understand something and freaked. out. i started crying. i felt so unhappy. i don't know why.. so random.

orchestra: first few minutes spent crying in the bathroom

rest was normal. darrin makes everything better.

break: taco bell with the lady. our invisible hill. you know another thing i like about her. well i've known this i just couldn't figure out a way to articulate it. i love how. i'm never bored. never. every time i'm with her it's something new. we're somewhere different. doing something different. i learn new things about her and tell her new things about me daily.

orchestra: i noticed marlowe and got a little anxious. i was so fuckin' tired.

post orch: marlowe was the same. kind of apologized for dropping off the planet but that's okay. i noticed her like down the dance hall trying to be incognito talking to caleb. sketch. he says he'll tell me the whole story later. apparently she still likes him. like.. a lot a lot. she liked him when she was with me. funny how that works.

drive home with eric: very quiet. i was texting a lot. i just felt soooo out of it. not in a talking mood. he's so crazy driving now. so.. i don't know. i respected him a lot for driving safely. i haven't lost respect for him it's just a bummer..

i. am. tired.

today was just. blah. i felt so freakin' gone the whole day. tia could tell. which was strange. not that she isn't empathetic and considerate but. we don't know each other well and it's just. nice. it's very nice. she's nice.

whenever i say nice i think of eternal sunshine.

okay i really just. feel like shit.

i shall tumble. then i'm peacing out.

day sick.

"hey how are you?

quick question

did we ever have a test/quiz on heart of darkness ?"

OH MY GOD I HATE YOU.

i know that you don't like me. i don't that you don't care i am. it's okay. just only talk to me when you need something. that's fucking fine. that fact that you make it sound like you do. pisses me off.

i fell asleep on the phone again. jeez..

yesterday was great within the breaks. except that break i spent tuning my cello and fixing my bridge. my bridge is.. funky.

i am very tired.

reason #2353 why i like you:

you are interested in my government essays and are willing to hear me recite them into the phone hahah.

PLEASE BE AN A SO VIET CAN NOT HAVE A 93.

it was weird not seeing hunty yesterday.

pearl is gone.. maybe that's a good thing. i hope it is.

i kind of feel like today in english is going to be really.. not fun. we'll see!

I NEED TO WORK OUT GETTING FAT. BYE.

day five.

elly. it's so weird. i use to be so. afraid. to be on the phone when i was little. i'd say up until.. ninth grade. it got.. kind of better as i got older. elementary school i refused. i could. not. middle school i would for a second. then i'd make an excuse to go. it made me so nervous. more nervous then being like in a party situation or something. ninth grade i was fixed. for.. bad reasons.

now every night. i can talk. i can sleep. i can eat. i can brush my teeth. all on the phone. it's easy! hahah. easy with you.

i still get nervous on the phone with others i won't lie.

i also get nervous around tia calantropo. i need to work on that.

pearllll. it's funny you're talking about leaving vcu and stuff. reading that. i was like. umm. i don't think i would want to go if she didn't go. hahah.

i'm getting so nervous. new england said early january. so did manhattan. but i had to resend it. so i'm afraid they already are running out of spots. and i don't think i could get in even if like. they had every spot open. i'm nervous. freakin' dara and gary weaver go there. manhattan is crazy. gahhhh. i want to go to a conservatory so bad.

i hope hunter's doing okay. i worry about him a lot now. he's my best friend. i mean. we weren't all happy in the summer. but we were sometimes. and we were together all the time. or most of the time. it'd be nice to go back just for a little while.

i am twitching and stuttering again. and again and again.

i'm just going to say i'm confused right now. or i don't know. because. it's not like i have to know. i'll just figure it out. no one will make me tell them something.

i'll tell them. i really like elly.

suck on that.

day four.

anxiety is returning.

i'm a depression snob.

day four.

peak of confusion possibly. i just kind of. want to know. now.

this is all happening really fast. i wish it would go faster. i do everything kind of fast. i think because i'm so passionate about like.. everything. when i like something i like it A LOT. i like someone A LOT. i like doing something i do it A LOT. i like a song i sing it A LOT. artists are like that. musicians are like that.

when i do shit. it's fast and important and i put my whole heart into it.

"savannah in the few months of my relationship so far you have been with caleb. single. with elly. single. now.." ha. and even that. was said a while ago. everything is so fast.

fast. fast. fast.

i should take this slow. take my time. think about it.

it's a big decision. but is it a decision? or just. accepting it? hm.

CONFUSED.

whenever there is something i care about in english people take a big shit on it. we read a sylvia plath poem. and yeah, i didn't understand either. but everyone was a dick about it and joking her. jesus.

i feel bad for viet. i should hang out with him.

there was this girl in my study block. she was putting on this show for everyone. at least that's what my opinion was. it made me really mad. she strolled up to everyone and was like "i'm drunk. i've been drunk everyday of break. i'm depressed. i tried killing myself. if you think i'm crazy, that's fine. whatever. i'm not crazy. you can call me a psycho emo crazy bitch i don't care. you can call me that. whatever. i'm drunkkkkk blaaaaaaah."

shut the fuck up. you're doing that for attention. how about you listen to my friends lives? fucking caleb and pearl and hunter and fucking everyone. we don't waltz around and parade our sadness to get some sympathy. fuck you.

then the alumni recital was awesome. i'm going to play in that next year.

what.

day three.

remember.

tess study guide is due wednesday. so i can calm down. my dad wants me to drive the car today. i need to figure something out. if i get caught driving i'll be so fucked.

it's awesome that everyone is going to the cello party. really awesome.

school is going by really fast.

i just remember a few days ago. that i have to eventually take my room apart. and pack. and gah. that sounds awful. that might be the worst part.gah. not the worst. one of the worst.

i should list good things about college:

• a new start! hahah.
• maybe i can figure out what i am!
• cello progress
• away from my parents
• new townnn.
• new friends. ..but i like my old friends

okay this list is going bad. um! oh well.

my mind is so. scattered right now. confusionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

day two.

palindrome.

tired all day.

eric's house. patty's house. samanatha's house.

it's weird at samanthas. so many old pictures of us together on her wall.

dinner with jeff, dionne, and patty. i was ze youngest person there.

i like tess of the d'urbervilles. but this study guide is ridic. i give up.

COPY VIET'S FIRST BLOCK? I THINK YES.

trying to be friends:

1. tia

2. katie

3. kevin

4. jajuan

5. uhhh. that's it. five is such a nice number though.

elly is so amazing.

i'm tired. i should write these earlier.

i think i'm a lesbian.

jus' sayin'..

day one.

woke up next to some sexy hairy man.

talked.

watched gretchen.

watched tyra.

watched. shit.

eric and i decided we needed to drive and listen to brand new.

we ended up in richmond.

right as we entered richmond city limits we turned around.

came back.

went to my dads.

now i'm here.

good shit. good shit.