this weekend.

has been so good. some bum parts. this is one of them. but i'll get over it. it's not even my problem. i feel bad. but. i guess she's right. i can't relate. and i just feel like.. i just want to talk to her. i'm selfish.

therapy tomorrow. thank fucking god. FIX ME DR. CAROL.

fam.

birthday graduation anything: http://danielleatethesandwich.net/page-store.html

yesterduh, was really good. i think the biggest part for both me and elly was interacting with her little cousins. they're nine and.. seven? six? uhh. i don't know! but. honestly, i was thinking about this today. i never talk to my relatives. i don't have siblings. my mom's friends children are either grown or my age. i have never played with little kids before. plus, due to all the other facts. i'm really awkward around them. i've never held a baby. i've never picked up a toddler. changed a diaper. NOTHING. i've never done anything ofdasort.

it was just cool. okay? jeez. hahah. and they liked me! sophie did. she said i was her best friend at the end hahah. i felt like this whole. future mom business wouldn't be so awful. maybe i don't hate kids as much as i thought i did.

SPEAKING OF MOMZ. today is the day of momz. dionne asks about her. pearl does. it's funny. i don't know. and cool. how they care about her. she is still in the thick of it. i think if a social worker came in and saw a day at our apartment they would slip us up. but it does work. i cry in the morning and either make it to school or stay home. if i do go to school my mom cries while i'm there. i mean. real screaming hours and hours of crying. then i come home. we watch tv and eat crappy food. and go to sleep. where she probably cries again. she searches for a job all day. barely leaves the house. except for therapy. but when i'm upset. she goes right into mom mode. it's awesome. even if she was crying to me the day before she takes such good care of me when i'm sad. because she knows how it feels. and she knows what to do. i mean it's different for everyone but by now she knows what bothers me and what helps. sometimes it's hard. sometimes i feel like i have to take care of her. and like it's not my job to do that. but in any relationship. whether it's friendship, romantic, or family. you take care of eachother. sometimes i over do it though. i don't know. i just. really appreciate her. because weekends with my dad i really see what i'm not appreciating back at the apartment. his influence with money is nice sometimes. but she. i don't know. she's different.

now while i type this. it is not like. breaking each line. it's just a really long continuous line of poop. so. hopefully it changes when it is posted. but if it's like this. i'm sorry... i don't know how to fix it.

i call her way too much.

need to chill. starting now.

self reliant? right? heh.. not.

i'm going to bed!

still not feelin' bloggy.

no more dorms at berkz. i knew that was going to happen. my dad gave me some hope buttt no. so. gotta find an apartment. maybe it'll end up being cheaper? who knows.

i'm just so tired and i've been.. slipping. maybe i'll clean? i just don't feel up to it.

it's stupid i got my hopes up.

blogging.

i have not been in a blogging mood. i am when i'm not at the computer. but once i sit down it's gone. i just want to write a short list of things that are important right now. i think in blogs sometimes. hunter has said that before. but now i know what he means.

so here's my dumb list.

1. my ap gov exam is tomorrow. i don't care. i am a shoe-in for a four or five. but. i'm not going to study or for that matter worry about it. i kind of am to make my teacher happy because he believes in me and thinks i'm a good student and he has this wall where he writes all the people who got a five and it's kind of a bigish deal. so that is some incentive but. besides that i don't care. english? hah. super not caring.
2. i am wearing another one of elly's shirts. fresh from her drawers. drawers is such a crazy word to type because it's all in the left hand. try it. try it. but yeah! i was pooping and it really hurt and smelled like.. poop. but! elly's aroma was all fresh and everything and taking over my nose and it still is but yeah. it's just. nice. and we talked on her bed. and i met her family. and i talked to jozy. and things are good. oh racist comments.. that was hilarious!
3. i sang like the whole godspell soundtrack to katie sinclair's voicemail.
4. i was bummed jeff didn't come. but it was a sold out show! and i forgot to write everyone thank you cards.. more bummedness.
5. concert tomorrow night! aquabats yo.
6. all i eat is italian food. and i love it.
7. i miss pearl. i can say that a hundred times but that won't fix anything. i don't know why it's so hard for me. hunter and her are great. i guess i could say i'm busy. but i've been busy and her friend before. i mean, i'm not not her friend. but.. she knows what i mean. ughhh. i'm sorry pearl. i'll be better.

pain.

i can't do surveys. it's like. really hard for me to complete. i'll get through 3/4ths of it and just stop haha.

i had a bad morning yesterday. i freaked out driving to samantha's house and got lost. i just really. don't understand how i got lost. i go there.. pretty often. or like. enought o know where it is! i was crying and shaking and my hands and arms were tingling and numb. it was so weird.

rehearsal was tense because i had to hold back from crying. i was shaking so bad. but we got a lot done. and i left right when we were done and went to elly's. which was amazing.

then godspell was pretty bad. but. gabby liked it and left at intermission.

blah. i'm not in a blogging mood.

i'm just tired.

scroyo.

i love you, hunter. all i can think about are thumbs now. and what that means. and looking at other peoples thumbs

this made me really happy. stupid right? but. just. those words. the fact that today before GSA hunter was looking at everyone's thumb who walked in the door. and marcus's thumb which was GIGANTIC. and now pearl is. and she's hours away. in a completely different place. caring about the same thing.

i don't know.

gives me hope for next year.

..not that i didn't have hope already.

i grind my teeth. it's weird i'm just talking about this now. but sometimes i'll realize i'm doing it and let go and it's like. weird. i don't know! i wake up grinding. grind. grind. grind.

dionne gave me her GSA hoodie. i'm wearing it now.

i'm worried about this stupid scholarship. i went to guidance and asked for the form not realizing it was due today. and she was like oh, give it to me monday! and i was like well fuck.. three recs? so. i asked dionne and jeff. and maybe i can get them before monday.. i just hate rushing people. it's not my fault though.. so. i don't know. it doesn't matter it still bothers me.

i say i don't know too much. i guess because i usually don't. but. i almost said it just now. caleb and i were arguing and he brought that up and i never noticed it. funny how you notice stupid things when someone mentions them and are now completely conscious of it all the time.

i don't like. how some people bother me now. but i've known them for so long. it's weird how they've changed so much to the point of me not completely liking them anymore.. have i changed that much? since freshman year? speaking of freshman. timmy thought i was a freshman. i don't know what he based that on. if it was my personality it makes sense. and i don't really look like a senior.

if i had a bunch of smells i had to identify i would not be able to pick out dionne's. i guess it's because we're never like.. close to eachother. but i could definitely pick out elly's. and pearl's. and caleb's. and hunter's. and my mom's. wow. i can't think of anyone else.

my stomach hurt on the bus yesterday when me and hunter were discussing the things in marah's butt. POINTED STONES?! hahah. weak.

my dad put the tuition deposit to VCU and berklee. soooo..

that's where i am with college.

i'm really really really afraid everytime i open my email. ever since prescreening cds time. i have this huge fear. that something college related will go bad. and it'll be in an email. and blah.

i need a job. now.

i'm tired..