sucksucksucksucksuck.

"how many days have you missed?! haah are you going to fail!?"

i have missed around 8 A days and 7 B days? maybe more.
this isn't something i'm proud of. i don't think it's funny. it's my fault.
last year i didn't even miss that many days. i missed 7 in one class. that's it. even when things were the worst. i only missed 6 in each class last semester. how do i miss so much?

strange blog moods.

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS.

this picture made me jizz.

i love little hunty with all my anus.
i think it's really interesting what he's saying about how people think about eachother and yeah. i guess you just have to keep trying to present how you feel about yourself through your actions so people can get the better picture.. like the picture above!


i stayed home from school today. because i was tired. and sad. and i felt like i would cry on the way there and throughout the day. i hate crying at tallwood. i'm just. so weird lately. i have NO REASON to feel upset. none at all. but. one day. everyone left for breakfast. and i was alone in the hotel room for about an hour. and i just sat on the ledge of our window. my legs dangling outside of the building. i was holding on to the side of the window for dear life. because i thought if someone would walk in i'd freak out and fall. it was only two flights down to this like secondary roof part. i'd be fine. hurt. but not dead. but. i just thought. everyone walking down there. has no idea that i'm hanging out of this window. posed and ready to possibly do something really bad. then i thought of the reprecussions. 'teen girl commits suicide on high school trip to new york'. i wouldn't. but i thought weird things. these are the things i think about. this morning i wanted to cut myself. this whole day. but.

oh, today i talked to haleigh. on skype. it was weird. i got like kind of sweaty and nervous for a second. she's always made me uncomfortable. she was my really close friend for a while. but even during that time she made me nervous. i felt this way like 10x worse with marlowe. i couldn't be around her for too long she made me so nervous. that's when i realized that i probably had a thing for haleigh. that's probably why her shitty treatment of me made me feel extra bad. and i extra wanted to be her friend. sometimes i think that's why i never had sleepovers. i did a few times. and each time i felt uncomfortable. in p.e. i always changed in the bathroom. i don't know. sometimes. i don't know.

dr carol can't fit me in until april 26th. i'm on the cancellation list until then.. it sucks. can i last? what's the point.. i'm leaving soon. my new health insurance covers mental health really well. i don't have a limit on my visits. which is nice. my other one had a limit of 30 with dr. carol. i can't believe i only had around thirty appointments. i'm sure it was more. i had a lot of emergency ones. like at night and after they closed. i'm afraid of cutting again.

i'm afraid. that's the best way i can describe myself lately. i like elly though. pearl gives me hope. hunter brightens my day. i

penn state is giving me 16,200 in aid. plus the 6,000 from the music school. it's like around 41,000 to go there. soo. around 19,000 left. that's good. i guess.

jeremy got around 36,000 from u of miama. that's crazy. there's is like 3,000 left for him. his situation is way worse than mine though. my dad does pretty well.

money is so stupid. but i'm not sure how things would work otherwise. it's not like i have another solution.

that's all i have for tonight. i'm going to go talk to elly. she's so important to me. that girl is so important. katie asked me what the worst part of the trip was for me. it was when i tried to hold her hand and she pulled away. i'm glad things are better. i can't lose her.

jealousy

i am. going to ask to go to therapy again.
how weak. i will probably go back on medicine. i am afraid i'm on the road to break down.
i am afraid. fuck. i won't run out of appoinntments proabbly because i'm leabving in august. unless i go crazy amounts for emergencies like last timme.
i just haven't been feeling good lately.
the window in our hotel opened all the way.

exhaustiionnalsdkf

reading pearl's tumblr makes me.. misty. i worry about her so much. especially the day she called me. waiting in line to get on a ferry to go to ellis island constantly checking my phone and crazy security people telling me to get off. she only calls when it's bad. same with me. i just. hate how she keeps getting new dates. until this time. until i'm 18. until summer. ;laskjdf

so. new york. it was sadly. average. maybe i'm just sick of everyone and high school and shit. and my friendships are slightly unraveling at gsa. at least with the seniors. i don't know. i don't care really. i hate to be like one of those "ionlycareaboutmygirlfriend" people. but. it's turning into that. chanel was being fucking obnoxious. chris cardelia was too. but. he is sweet and has good intentions. chanel doesn't. jason agola is awesome and cute and funny. his sister.. well. jeremy is great! my girls in my room were really nice to me. samantha is soo.. self loathing. it's sad to watch her beat herself up. gabby is crazy for her boyfriend which is cute. since i'm going through similar things. and katie is katie haha. she's great. i got some cool stuff. saw cool concerts. got in a arguement. elly let loose on caleb. i got to sleep with elly one night. that's all i can think about.

i really like elly. i could live with her. also. i can't wait until stupid school is over with. i'm really really sick of it. i have some regrets towards college. i'd like to know where i'm going. haha. someone let me know soon haha. alaska's birthday is soon.

i'm tired.

NEWWWWWYOOOORKKK! CONCRETE JUNGLE.

i am in ze hotel. and it's cool. and the end.

LOL. xanga and open diary quotes.

"so the deed is done. karl and savannah is officially over.
he was suprisingly REALLY okay with it on the phone. like. totally unphased by it. whatever. hes either a great faker or seriously doesnt care haha oh well. i dont really care if its awkward. if he hates me i dont care i still got mah other GSA friends. not like im totally alone without him.
like that irraplaceable song hahah
i butchered that word man.. how do you spell it?"

first gsa report card
"theory B+
aural skills A
music lit A
piano for non majors A-
computer composition B-
symphony orchestra A-
chamber orchestra A-
audition prep A
ap cello A"

"-katie and i got made fun of by stuckey y sam cause we have our own language and talk really fast."

"GSA is so fun. AND SO HOTT!! jesus. its roasting in there! hahaha
aural skills sucked. we are learning solfege which is like "do re mi fa so la ti do" and i suck at it. :( i hate singing. its embarrasing hahah
piano was okay. i actually had to learn somethign and work on it. but it only took like..half an hour hahaha which is a long time but like the other half i had nothing to do."

"kay so then chamber i had to borrow goose. who is my friends cello.it was fun to play a different cello. new expierence haha
i did pretty good. but people made fun of how i pluck cause i pluck like a guitar and thats apparently
"weird""
"me katie, and julie created a licking club. because we are weird. hahaha cause once i asked if katie has ever licked a bus before and she did. hahaha. and julie and i figure that pearls cello tasteslike bitter coffee beans. hahaha. im the president of the club"


" dont want to get married Saturday, October 21, 2006



im scared.
me and my mom argued this morning.
i was saying how the past couple holidays have sucked cause theyve been fighting and she was like weve been having problems only for the past two years sorry that your mind doesnt rememeber before 2005
and im like only two years?! thats a long time! and she was like im sorry you really hurt my feelings.
so i felt bad
and she was like
when i was little i just wanted my parents to get a divorce so the fighting would stop do you feel like that?
and i was like. no and she was like be honest with me! im honest with you!
and so i was like yes! okay? i did before but its getting better so i dont know. and she was like well i just dont want you to suffer because youd have to go back and forth and i dont want you to choose between us and im like it would be better then how it is now. and she was like i want you to have a better life. when you married i want you to be happier then i was and have a better life then i did. and im like. so if your not happy why are you married?
we started crying.
the shitty part was that we were listening to happy christmas music in the background and we were crying."


"it was alright.
people had boy problems.
and katie asked if i had lost it yet.
not so much.
she was like
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR STYROFOAM CUP YET!? hahaah
and then we continued to joke haha and i dont know. nothing special today.
tomorows a recital! i mean im not gonna play but other people are and we get to miss audition prep! yay! so yeah. im excited. i love recitals. i wanna play in one. i kinda need a solo peice though.
i really want to play this one peice called prelude suite number one in g major by bach
check it out there.

its gorgeous i really love it."

"haha i got eighth chair out of twelve at GSA theres four freshman including me.
katie got fourth
mikey seventh
me eighth
ian twevlth"

"im going to juilliard and no one can stop me hoez.

so thurr"

"i really dont wanna type anymore? so. i hate my cello teacher." (mama frifri)

"i got there and my buddy ian was leaving nad im like..he looks fine. it must be cool. and my teacher wa ilke..creepy quiet you know? and so it was scary. and she made me play scales i sucked at and she was writing down all this stuff like stuff i needed to buy/work on and i showed it to my friend marshall and hes like YOU CANT DO THE C SCALE?! and im like shut up!! (the c scale is the easiest its no sharps or flats)
IN BETWEEN: i called monica all freakin out from my lesson and bout to cry "

"(I HAD PIANO CLASS YESTERDAY AND I ALMOST CRIED BECAUSE HE MADE ME PLAY BY MYSELF TEN TIMES AND MADE ME KEEP PLAYING AND READING THE NOTES OUT LOUD. IT WAS SO EMBARRASING I WAS ABOUT TO CRY)
so we got there and i was all bouncy and it went to music theory one. and i learned that cellos have to play and learn all the notes in all the clefs. which sucks asss. so i got nervous cause im not good at it. i think i got it though..it just takes me awhile.
then i went to audition prep. jesus..the upperclassmen hate us and give us such a hard time. then one did the etude (prepared peice for audition) and it was gorgeous. so powerful and they were criticizing her like she wasnt that good and i was like if she wasnt good i must be shit. and we did scales and i was AWEFUL i dont even know all my scales. im so nervous. i dont think im going to audition for senior regionals itll be pointlessi wont get in. i really wann be in all state orchestra. maybe senior year when i actually learn my scales and different clefs. so im freaking out. everyone was so scary was so scared.
then we had orchestra. ninetyfour kids. including brass section. wind section. percussion. and strings. full orchestra. we didnt have enough chairs and stands and it was SO crowded. and the music turned out to go WAAAAY faster then i thought it did and i was SOOO bad it was embarrasing i wanted to cry cause ill never learn how to be that fast or learn fingerings for those notes. and i was always in someones way with my huge case. and they always told me to shut up.
so then i pretty much almost cried there. but i couldnt cause it was school and i was stuck."



HAH.

xanga.com.

i use to have one. hahaha. it's completely embarrassing.
i can't sleep.
elly's pretty.
i had a dream that my dad had a séance. i've had this before but this time it was scarier. eric was like.. the medium. it was weir.d