the past few days have been weird.

PROS:

masterclass with alisa weilerstein. i kicked kind of ass. more ass than some.

she complimented my dress. and really wanted it.

she touched my lower back hahaha.

andrew said i did a good job.

dionne's proud of me. patty's proud of me.

i didn't cry in front of leon.

i got a B on my theory final.

i got a free drink from mrs. watters.

she told me: that she loved me, i'm a free spirit, she agrees leon singles me out, she doesn't like working for leon either, she agrees with me that he treats students like shit, i could never disappoint her, i'm a strong woman, i've been stronger this year than last year, people look up to me, i'm passionate, going to have a great career, call her even if it's not good news, my new haircut gives my hair so much body, she thinks that i've grown so much, i'm doing well this year.

the biggest thing was that she loved me. she said it. i love you savannah. i'm not sure if dionne has ever told me that.

CONS.

leon flipped shit that i didn't wear shoes.

mrs. watters had to reprimand me. and i cried really fucking hard all the way as we walked out of diehn, in front of katie and connor and someone else, and all the way back to lakehouse since we parked there. and while i talked to mrs. watters for half an hour.

elly wasn't there. i mean i wasn't bothered by it before. but after the fact. i really wish she was there. not so much as to comfort me, but to see me during the master class.

i love mrs. watters. and that school. lately it's been like. something really good will be happening. and then something will be like BOOM NO. NO HAPPINESS. STOP. I'M GOING TO THROW THIS ON YOUR PLATE. but yesterday was a good day. it was a good elly night too.

i ate chocolate frozen yogurt and chili cheese fries. mmmm.

life changed.

lgjhgfhkjgl

i love hunter’s music taste. i especially love when i know a song because hunter sings it all the time and when i finally hear the actual song i can only imagine him singing it.

i love boneless buffalo wings.
i love buying things.
i love not having acne around my mouth. unfortunately that is not happening right now.
i love shows like lost, the good wife, mercy, glee, how i met your mother, 30 rock, so you think you can dance, flashforward, etc..
i love this one song right now.
i love musicals.
i love my friends.
i think people with mental health issues like depression or anxiety or things like that are just more evolved. we’re using more of our brain to think. kind of in a negative way.. but more brain power! i think people that just go through the motions and sit in front of a tv all day and think walking at graduation is a big fucking deal are just using as little brain power as possible. people are different to adapt and the average die out and the different power on. you know what i mean? maybe i have this completely backwards. and the weaker beings are the ones who are kind of fucked up in the head and are going to die out and the assholes who don’t give a shit about anything are better. but. i don’t think so.
and that’s all i have to say.

ELLY:

"have fun with hunty and tell him it meant alot when he told amanda he cared about me. i havent stopped thiking about that….i just never expected him to do something like that for me. i like him. he’s good. he’s a keeper."

lol@me

i feel weak.

marriage.

sounds nice.

i've been such a bum lately. i just lay around and watch tv. meeehhh. things are suprisingly getting better though. i put a few minutes in to cello and i get better. i talk to caleb, hunter, and pearl regularly now. patty stuff is even better! and that was like. down to no communication for a while. for like this whole year..

i guess giving in is the route. giving in to crying gets it out. and then i move on. instead of stressing over keeping it in. or being better person by not crying.

things are getting better. i just keep thinking that. which helps.

the only good thing about waking up CONSTANTLY.

having a MYRIAD of dreams. so many peoople have been using myriad lately. it was on fucking glee. wtf.

anyways. dreams!

1. i went to new orleans on a gsa trip. madeline la rossa was there. her bra kept popping out of her dress. i was in the orchestra. gary spell did it. he had two other old guy friends who worked the show. OH. the sound guy steve! and uhhh. some other guy. and i found out they were complete assholes. so i was in a new orleans gift shop and i was trying to leave so my parents came and i accidently hit my mom like my elbow touched her shoulder accidently and she was lik OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MMMMMYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOD. and she starting crying like crazy and fell over the floor and was writhing in pain and then i found this giant room where the three guys were and i was like you guys are assholes. and i started like flying like peter pan. and i was like kicking over stuff on their desk. and they were being sarcastic and mean. and like all the doors around me were starting to close so i grabbed my stuff said fuck you and left with my dad.
2. then i was driving into a tunnel and i saw this girl was about to get raped and i backed up and was like OH MY GOD RAPE. and this other guy pulled out a baseball bat and started beating the shit out of the rapist. and i was like blehh.. the blood got all over me. and i freaked out and was running around and crying and then i had to pick up the bones that he left. and some were pulverized into the ground. and then the baseball bat guy started like a world wide thing were he kept tabs on interstates were rapist tried to rape girls and then he accidently caused a fire and he tried to put it out by touching his computer but he couldn't remember what state this weird city name was in. and then a guy tried to shoot the map and his shots were like transfered to the area where he shot it. it was weird.
3. then one of the previous assholes from the first dream was sitting on my couch and alaska was meowing at him really strangely. so i picked her up and brought her to me and he still tried to like pet her and stuff and she freaked out and i brought her closer and then he tried to tickle me and i went to go punch him and i woke up mid punch. it was weird. cause my arm was like in the punching motion and moving when i woke up.
4. it was graduation pictures of like all the seniors in alphabetical. and there was this girl there that i really liked and wanted to hold her hand. and i looked over at her other hand and it was cut off and bleeding and on a bag of ice and i like. didn't even care. and we missed the picture because we were just sitting on the baseball benches and i was laying on her lap.

WEIRD. WEIRD. WEIRD. I'M A WEIRDO.

i like dreaming though. even if it makes me really mad or covered in blood. or a cheater. well. not so much the last part. but yeah!