mom.

does depression go away?
OH! PFFT. OF COURSE IT DOES HONEY! I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN I WAS.

i mean. i agree but. you still are mid cry when i call you. you still lay in bed all day. i still want to. i have no choice. i cry. i twitch. i have the sinking feeling. it's not as bad. but sometimes i think it just like. the eye of the storm right now. or not as steep of a fall. it's just a slow not steep fall. like i'm just going straight but slightly downward.
i don't think it goes away.
she said her mom was depressed. and her mom's mom was depressed. four generations! i fear for my daughter..
she said i need to be careful. giving me tips.. like it's a disease i have to keep under control. i already have enough of those. she said i'm fragile and sensitive and need to take care of myself.
i know that.
but god.


i'm so anxious right now. that's the only reason i'm talking about all of this. also this happened a few days ago. so it is relevant.
ja;ksdjf. i know my teacher is just going to yell at me and it'll be like.. 1 hour and 50 minutes of poop. but. what if i cry! or twitch. what will all my asshole classmates think? what if i want to go home? what if i can't make it through the day. what if i miss a bunch of school again. what if i can't graduate. what if i don't get into vcu. andrew k is afraid he won't. if he is. i better be. what if my penn state audition sucks. kim cook wants to have a lesson with me afterwards. what if she yells at me. i'm afraid. i'm so afraid right now. not a good place.
i wish i could have a button that would send one of my friends to me. like an elly button or a pearl button. i'd press it. and they'd be there. and i'd be safe. just someone being here with me. i feel alone. i have to fight it alone.
not good. not good.


i'm going to penn state tonight. no blog tonight probably. or tomorrow. unless i'm not too tired. :/
this helps. it really does.
usually..
not now.
i'm just going to be polite. i've been practicing.

"hi, whenever you find the time, could i get the work from the past two classes?" crap. i have to mention my missing notebook and book.
um.
"hi, i've lost my book which had all my worksheets in it, ...
god.
fuckit.