HWONSDSAWBPWWWQ

• my mom offered me to stay home from school
• i had a chicken biscuit for breakfast
• i've almost finsihed everything on my to-do list
• me and caleb were better
• i didn't get frustrated in theory
• i made good points in senior prep
• me and darrin had an awesome time in orchestra as usual
• bus was awesome. we are so.. close. and open with eachother. feels like a minifamily within my GSA family. it's really.. just awesome
• i think i talked to elly a good amount today? i think i'm getting better
• i sent in my VCU application!
• i drank two liters of water
• i ate every three hours
• i'm about to work out with my mom
• i taught my mom some music theory

ALEJANDRO ALEJANDROOOOOOO
ALE ALE JANDRO ALE ALE JANDROOO.

soooo. um.
You know what you want, but the situation keeps changing like the winds on a spring day. Just as you get comfortable with flying your kite one way, everything shifts and you must readjust your behavior in order to prevent it from crashing down to earth. This would not be a problem, except that you must pay constant attention or suffer the consequences. Maintaining a high level of concentration is your spiritual practice now and if you succeed, the rewards will be worth the wait.
let's hope so mr. horoscope.

64 for november?! ahahaha

Blog Archive
▼ 2009 (168)
► November (64)
purple sheets
:D
grandpa.
waste.
zodiacly speaking,
elly is sixteen going on seventeen.

i'm not sure if i believe in this stuff.
i am a lion.
hiiiiii blogggggggg, i. uh. yeah. i'd love to f...
whatever.
fuck you.
you may say that i'm a dreamer.. but i'm not the o...
beyonce.
Wendy
you're in my body.. still.
me and hunter are blogging fiends.
public pajamas. someone needs to get crackin' on t...
alaska is a little scallywag
silly
virginia beach!
stressagasauras.
dionne wright.
just da tip!
pet peeve.
not feeling good at all lately,
tallwoodhighschool.
basketcase.
at tallwood this is how i stand waiting for the bu...
um. excuse me sir..
HUNTY.
yes please.
i want my daughter to have a name like these..
TOWANDA!
anyone else see a resemblance?
margo roth spiegelman.
i'm at katie's house.
I'm talkin bout everybody gettin crunk crunk, Boys...
you.
you're in my body/that's where i think about you
afro jazz
caleb sleepover 2x
"i love you." "i love you too." "promise?" "..yes"...
maybe i'll switch to tumblr? i use a bunch of tumb...
paper towns.
i learned a song on guitar for you too.
everytime i talk to you. it's about how horny you ...
self-hate
i'm sorry.
not good.
thank you.
help.
who cares.
dickdickdickdickdick
it's funny you said that i think about that all th...
things on my mind.
fascinated by suicide.
i get to see pearl today.
fuck you
breathe.
just lifting my fingers to type. they're so ...
Hey, Strong Bad! I need to be kicked in the face.
irony
run me over.
► October (44)
► September (30)
► August (30)

purple sheets

1. bubbles
2. park
3. field
4. markers
5. tats
6. bed

i..



..that's it.
deets later? or never?


KTHASCOO.

:D

... ..- -.-. -.- / .. - / .... ..- -. - . .-. / .. / .-.. . .- .-. -. . -.. / .... --- .-- / - --- / -.. --- / .. - !

grandpa.

my mom told me the other night while taking out the trash that my grandpa killed himself.
i was told that he died in his sleep. this was a long time ago. like middle school age. but he took a gun to his head. because my grandma was really sick and he loved her so much. they told her that he died in his sleep too.
i also realized that my mom probably wouldn't let me see prince of tides because there was a character named savannah who tried killing herself mulitiple times.



i'm not really.. that bothered by it either. kind of sucks that their little way of protecting me from suicide didn't help at all.
i wish my grandma knew what happened to my grandpa. that's completely unfair.


i had a dream my parents read this. and i texted someone saying like.. WHATTHEFUCKKK. and my parents read that too. i'm really paranoid sometimes.
i'm wearing pearl's giant 17th street hoodie. it's a good "i'msick" hoodie. IT'S FILLED WITH DA GERMS NOW!
i'm going to go watch the rest of that movie. it's so weird hearing my name all the time. savannah this savannah that.
christmas is coming up.. i've never really been that big of a christmas list maker. i usually get something ridiculous that i'd never use or that one big thing i wanted. like an ipod or something. i don't know. it seems selfish and dumb to make a giant list.
it's usually just one thing i want. or nothing. same for birthdays.
gift giving is just strange on the recieving end. it's fun giving!



alright. i gotta pee.

waste.

1. I like Radiohead2. I walk up the stairs two at a time.3. I have witnessed a moshpit4. I have experienced a moshpit 5. I once caught a fish on vacation6. I have punched/attacked a teacher7. I have seen someone die8. I have made fried dough9. I have been in a New York City taxi10. My hair is its natural color11. A movie had made me cry12. A book has made me cry13. A song has made me cry14. I have been saved by a lifeguard15. I am for the death penalty16. There have been times when I seriously wished I could kill myself.17. I know someone else who attempted suicide.18. I don’t show my emotions.19. I am a pessimist.20. I usually have no self confidence.21. People have told me they trust me.22. There is a TV in this room.23. I am next to a window.24. I have given directions to someone in a car.25. Someone has borrowed something and not given it back yet.26. I’m a perfectionist.27. I usually try not to bring attention to myself.28. My parents want to know what I have for homework.29. We sometimes watch musicals in music class.30. I’m using a mac computer.31. I’m home alone.32. I’m an oldest child.33. I have a belt on.34. It’s studded.35. I have plans for today.36. We’re allowed to chew gum at school.37. I live for summer. 38. Sometimes I act like I have OCD. 39. I could people-watch all day.40. I’ve tried to be a vegetarian.41. Really skinny people annoy me.42. Lime green is an awesome color43. I can touch my thumb to my pinkie around my wrist.44. I can know someone’s scent and know they’re near me.45. My parent(s) is/are a health freak.46. I try to use correct spelling/grammar on the computer.47. I know the difference between its and it’s.48. Dr. Pepper is my favorite soda.49. I can get very annoyed by happy people.50. I wish my hair was naturally curly, wavy.51. I’m sarcastic a lot.52. I’m at least a little bit Irish. 53. I don’t tell people’s secrets. 54. I don’t like the name Peg.55. I’ve slipped on a banana peel.56. I’m very ticklish.57. I give people the silent treatment when I’m mad instead.58. I wear my pajama pants to school.59. Swallowing pills is difficult for me.60. I get scared in elevators.61. I’ve been in a car for 7 hours straight.62. I like going on the subway.63. I’ve seen the same movie twice in a row.64. Sometimes I wish I could get plastic surgery65. I have fallen down the stairs.66. I prefer pools to oceans.67. I have stayed up until 2:00 doing homework the whole time.68. I’ve cried myself to sleep69. It would almost be worth breaking a leg to use crutches.(NOCRUTCHESSUUUCKKK)70. I’ve fainted in public.71. I hate bermuda shorts.72. Big lips are attractive.73. I like milk in my tea74 .I never wear skirts.75. My nails are fake.76. I can swear in different languages.77. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.78. A stranger has tried to give me money.79. Lipstick is uncomfortable. 80. My favorite band broke up.81. I have some friends in my neighborhood.82. I pack my own lunches for school.83. I hate words with too many consonants together.84. I’ve went three days without taking a shower.85. Laptop mouses are impossible.86. I have dropped something today.87. My away message is always up to avoid people. 88. I’ve worn earphones/headphones without music to avoid people.89. People have complimented my handwriting90. I know what aperture and shutter speed are.91. I say like a lot, even though I try not to.92. My pinkies are crooked.93. I have a sibling in college.94. I’ve danced in the rain before.95. I know who wrote Great Expectations. 96. I don’t know how to do the laundry.97. I hate doing the dishes.98. I make index cards for school even when they’re not required. 99. I love making microwave s’mores100. I have meditated before.

why is "have you ever cried yourself to sleep?" a question? and why is it always about your ex's on those myspace surveys? something always has to do with kissing/dancing/liking rain.

zodiacly speaking,

we're perfect for eachother..

and we're pretty good for eachother


uhhh..

elly is sixteen going on seventeen.

how is tommorow sunday? how did that happen?

GOAL: next week is going to be HAPPYWEEKOFNOTSUCKYDEPRESSINGSHITANDWHINYBITCHPOSTINGSWEEKWEEKWEEKQ

or..

HWONSDSAWBPWWWQ for short

basically, next week i'm going to only write about the happy good things that happened that day. not even sarcastic happy things! hahah. i'll be good. you'll see.

so today and tommorow are my last days to whine.

I'M SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK :((((((((((((

it sucks. my throat is like hard and sandpapery.

hung out with caleb. it was good. now that we're actually trying. um. yeah. that's it.

last night was really awesome. id on't think i captured the awesomeness of the other night. it was great spending time with my hunter. and pearl of course. i laughed my butt off. i got some physical activity in. i went to mother fucking ashley moody's house. i found out that i'm like aquaman with cats. and female genitalia.sooo catwoman. but could she call cats? i think not..

pearl is my best friend. DONE. no more discussion about it.

hunter is my best man friend. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

elly is my best friend who lives not more than two hours away. hahah.

michaela doesn't talk to me.

patty doesn't talk to me.

marlowe doesn't talk to me.

you guys are my rocks. i love you :)

this is getting sappy.

elly is sixteen! when i asked jim from half moon what he was like when he was sixteen he was like "mmm i was drunk the whole time" haah. i miss him sometimes.

when i was sixteen.. which was a year ago. i. had a pretty interesting birthday party. my exboyfriend's pregnant fourteen year old girlfriend was there. i don't know why i invited her. i think i felt bad for her. because ryan's a dick. but she turned intoa dick. SO WHATEVS. such a strange birthday.

ZE LIMO!

hahah. funny..

WHITE PEOPLE!

MINORITIES!

i'm not sure if i believe in this stuff.

24th July to 23rd August
Symbol: The Lion
Ruling Planet: Sun
Quality: Fixed
Element: Fire
Basic Trait: I Will
Closest Metal: Gold
Lucky Day: Sunday
Lucky Colors: Gold, Orange and Yellow
Lucky Gems: Carbuncles, Rubies and Diamonds
Lucky Flowers: Marigolds and Daffodils
The zodiac sign of Leo has the symbol of 'The Lion' and just like a lion; a Leo believes that he rules everyone else. Don't tell him he doesn't, it will break his big, loving, proud heart. Leos can easily go from being vigorously outgoing to plain lazy. If you want to find a Leo, go to the most dazzling places in the town. You will find him there, surrounded by people and playing his role in the limelight beautifully. He likes to live in style and hates boredom. There are hardly any introvert Leos, only those who pretend to be introverts.They are in love with their pride and ego and fiercely protect what they believe to be theirs. The lion loves to give advice on how you should manage your life and feels himself to be superior to others. However, his ego is very vulnerable and he will get deeply hurt if you don't respect his wisdom. It is difficult to ignore the lion for too long, he will be the center of attraction sooner or later. The best way to tame him is to flatter him; he will turn into a purring kitten. Praising the intellect will work as much as admiring the appearance will. He is pretty clever and will never ever bother to waste his energy on something insignificant. Leo holds back nothing, not even his approval and compliments. Infact, he is so generous with compliments that he can make you embarrassed and self-conscious. At the same time, he is equally vocal about the things he does not like. However, one thing you can be sure of - he means what he says. You may or may not like it, but it is his true opinion. Leo plays the perfect host, treating you to the best of everything, right from ambience to the dessert. He has a forgiving nature and is full of sympathy. Even in his love life, he easily reconciles after a split up. Leos are passionate in every aspect of their life, be it love or career or any other thing. They are rarely without a partner and life without love is a big no-no for them. They practically thrive on romance. A Leo is never the one to be dependent on someone. Rather, he loves to lead and be leaned upon. He may complain every now and then about the responsibilities, but in his heart he loves to have them. He dislikes taking help, especially of a financial nature.On the other hand, he will gives loan to almost everyone. A Leo may run out of cash easily, since he is anything but cautious with it. However, he will always be the best-dressed person at the party. His behavior always borders on the extreme. A Leo will either be extremely careless and sloppy or meticulously neat and orderly. He is also extremely fixed with his ideas and it is very hard to convince him against his opinions. He likes to do one thing at a time. When he is working, you can be sure, he will forget to have his lunch too.When he's partying, he will put the dance floor on fire. Leos turn out to be the bravest ones in a group, especially in the face of an emergency. They are very loyal, extremely possessive and highly jealous. The lion fiercely defends what he believes to be his. He is a powerful enemy, but one with morals. Creativity and originality are his fortes. Even though he has an ego,is arrogant and overflows with pride, he is extremely good at heart. Being with a Leo will mean that you always have someone to care for, though you may have to flatter him every now and then.

am i the big ego, assholey, self-absorbed leo?

i am a lion.

um. okay. everything will be back to normal soon. if things go accordingly.
i can.. not be self-destructive.
i can.. not be a stupid asshole.
i think i can do this. i think this is good for me.
i hope. i know. um. i was stupid. i.

i love you okay?
let's work harder at this.


the cat's flock to me when i cry.
i don't know why i'm still crying. things are supposedly on the rise.
why do i keep saying: "um" "maybe" "if" "i think" "supposedly"
i should be confident. first step to relationship bliss. right? confidence in it.
we can do it. right?
i can do it.
i'm the problem.
i just have to be more brave. more like a lion. courageous. leadershipy. yeah. i don't know where i'm going with this.
i should shut up.

hiiiiii blogggggggg,
i. uh.



yeah. i'd love to fill this up with my dark feelings and embarrassing stories. but.

whatever.

i'm really bummed. beyond it.
kind of pissed off.
not because no one came. just that. i don't know. it's just not that okay. i'm pissed off all the time randomly.
maybe this is one of those times.
but i fucking doubt it.

fuck you.

you may say that i'm a dreamer.. but i'm not the only one

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

beyonce.

1. You like pudding.
2. You like cake.
3. You’ve never been to the beach.
4. You’ve never been to the ocean.
5. You live in the United States.
6. You’ve smoked weed.
7. You’ve smoked cigarettes.
8. You’ve cheated on a test at school.
9. You’ve ran when you were angry.
10. You’ve cried yourself to sleep.
11. You’ve written a poem.
12. You’ve written a story.
13. You like thunderstorms and rain.
14. You like the snow.
15. You prefer warm weather.
16. You sleep with a fan on.
17. You sleep with the TV on.
18. You’ve sang a song all the way through today.
19. You talked to someone you didn’t like today.
20. You’ve drank a whole carton of milk by yourself.
21. You bought something you didn’t need recently.
22.You are wearing jewelry of some kind right now.
23. You’ve drank alcohol.
24. You’ve went trick or treating when you were too old.
25. You have went ice skating.
26. You have went roller blading.
27. You’ve been on a skateboard.
28. You have a pet at your house.
29. You like cats.
30. You like dogs.
31.You enjoy Italian food.
32.You enjoy Mexican food.
33.You enjoy Asian food.
34. You enjoy American food.
35. You’re listening to music right now.
36. You’ve slept walked.
37. You’re currently mad at someone.
38. You’re currently annoyed.
39. You’re currently in a good mood.
40. You like Tic Tacs.
41. You’re currently tired.
42. Your favorite band is the Beatles.
43. You’ve painted your face before.
44. You have a job.
45. You hate your life.
46. You want to go to the movies.
47. You’ve played Strip Poker.
48. You like to play card games.
49. You’re currently bored.
50. You’re currently hungry.

Wendy

you know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where i'll remember you. That's where i'll be waiting.
-Peter Pan

thanks wendy.. for reading to me last night. i'm sorry i fell asleep. it was perfect.

i can't be peter pan much longer.. i'm growing up. i'm sending out college applications. :/

UGHHHH..

you're in my body.. still.

i'd call you a cunt.

but you don't have the depth or the warmth.



i'm not good at relationships. or being single actually. i might be worse at that. i'm not sure. i'm not very normal in that aspect of life. i'm just a really mean person.

maybe i'm only good in the middle of the relationship. the beginning and ends. i suck.

i strongly dislike you right now. i feel like i'm picking fights with you.

my mom kind of scares me sometimes. how like. she goes from crazy happy to insanely sad. i need to shut up.

she brought a bunch of alcohol here..

me and hunter are blogging fiends.

public pajamas. someone needs to get crackin' on that.

the less clothes the better! that's been my mood lately.

also my mood has been straight up asshole! and very moody. very.. unbalanced.

i guess that's not.. new.

but the assholeness is new! i'd like to think it's new at least..

caleb's good at it too! it's like we compete to see who's the worst. haaaa. how healthy!

if i here "act your age" "grow up" or "be more mature" one more time i think i'll lose it.

losing weight would be awesome right now.

i'm so. argumentative. like i want a fight. ew. that needs to change.

i guess it's just with a certain person.

me and my dad are. goooooddd..? kind of. i hate the way he talks. and acts. but uh. i don't know. that's a complicated topic that needs a blog of it's own. but in a nutshell. it's not as completely fucked as before.

pearl. tommorow. home. not richmond. sounds good..

gov test tommorow: haven't studied

english essay due last class: haven't written anything

college essays: three more to do! i think?

TIME TO DO WORKKK.

here's a picture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

alaska is a little scallywag

she just watches homer all day.
and goes on the counter and pushes things off.
she goes on the table and pushes things off.
attacks my face in the morning.

i love her.

silly

lolz.

i'm going to try the whole 'to-do list every day' thing. it worked kind of before..

ughhh whatever.

whatever higher power there is out there. please make today not suck. at least the recording part or anything having to do with college because.. i really need to go to college. everyone says that college is going to be so much better for me and i can get away from the craziness here and be free. some people are more stressed in college or more unhappy. just whoever or whatever you are. please make this college process more smooth. at least for today. you can make the rest of the days suck.

virginia beach!

stressagasauras.

i've accomplished shit today.
still scared.
periods suck.
when i called jonlin i thought i called elly instead because they sound soooo alike on the phone. insane.
i'm just in a picturey mood. no writing blehh.

dionne wright.

she's one of my best friends. today she came to give me a lesson. and i started crying like right when she asked how i was doing. and she asked if i wanted to take a walk. so we went outside and ended up going to barnes and nobles and we talked about stuff and she bought me water and pumpkin pie. and we looked at college essay books and she bought me one.

she's truly my hero. she actually cares.

just da tip!

things that can suck it:

• college
• school
• tallwood high schoolians
• my body weight
• the world
• society
• admissions people
• deodorant
• whoever created that word because it's hard to spell
• emily bronte even though she's awesome
• dr. coxe
• savannah flores

i get to see patty tonight! it was so nice of her little sister to invite me to go to the airport with them!









further deets later.

pet peeve.

"I'M GOING TO THE STORE"
"oh, so you're going to the store?"
"..yeah"

"i just ate humans"
"you have?"
"..yes i just said that."

"i was going to kill that triceratops but then i got ice cream instead."
"were you now?"
"OHMYGODSHUTUPI'LLKILLYOUNOW."

peeve. peeve. peeve. peeve.

not feeling good at all lately,

i don't think i've ever had a dream where i did that before. i would never do that to you i promise. i guess it's because you mentioned it today.
i feel so inferior.

if one more person says "that's so depressing.." "i'm like, depressed right now" i'll lose it. maybe i'll start counting how many times it happens.
speaking of depression, does it end? i mean i sure as hell feel better than january february of last year. but. does it ever completely go away? i'm still having panic attacks and twitching and random crying and pain and "suicidal ideology". how long does this last?

i'm just like. tired of everything. and frustrated. and scared. so fucking angry.

caleb had a panic attack the other night. now he knows. that's kind of nice. horrible thing to say.

i'm not prepared.

tallwoodhighschool.

"what the fuck is on her back?" "is that an instrument?" "i played that shit in sixth grade and quit" "i be weak when she falls over on her ass!"

i'm right next to them. they were walking right behind me.

i hate that school.

caleb doesn't trust me at all.

i kind of always feel like the worst person in the relationship. it's usually true.

i'm always angry now.

basketcase.

hi blog.

here are my feelings. in alphabetical order and of importance kind of.

• A- anger. i feel so fucking angry all the time now. it's awesome. hi F-bombs i missed you!


• B- bummed. refer to some post from like.. this morning


• C- crazy. i can't control anything. i'm stupid ughhh


• D- dick. i feel like a dick when i talk to you. i hate how mean i am now when i'm angry


• E- empathetic! when i was crying in the bathroom today. there was this girl crying in the stall right next to me but being way louder about it. i was silent. i know how to cry in a public restroom. i was like comforted almost. i kind of wanted to like.. go in the stall and hug her and tell her it'll get better. dumb. dumbdumbdumb.


• F- fuck. i feel like yelling that. a lot.


• G- gagged. really bad asian food. everything supposed to be hot food today was way undercooked. TAPEWORMS GET IN MY BELLY!


• H- hungry due to shitty food


• I- IRRITABLE


• J- like a jackass


• K- kicked around. fuck karma.


• L- lame i just closed my eyes and screamed because my mom turned on the tv and it was in the middle of so yout hink you can dance and i hadn't seen the beginning and they were kciking people off.


• M- malodorous. i stank.


• N- needy


• O- out of it


• P- poop of course


• Q- shutup


• R- ridic


• S- stupid


• T- tired. I GOT HOME AT 8. EIGHT. i got to eric's at 6:30. way later than usual.


• U- unorganized. no college essays written. none.


• V- two vaginas.


• W- wavering. ughhh.


• X- SHUT. UP.


• Y- yellow is my favorite color


• Z- zebra=mariah carey.

okay. so that ended up getting annoying. soooooo angry. i give up.

at tallwood this is how i stand waiting for the bus with the cello on my back.

um. excuse me sir..

the other night. you called. and i was an asshole.
you said you'd call me last night before i went on the bus. actually you said.
"what are you doing tonight?"
"hunter's coming over and leaving at eight."
"then i'll call at 8:01"

you know that.. driving home from hunter's house i was actually excited to prove that i could not be an asshole and make this work?
you know that.. after a while i just thought 'well.. he usually calls after ten maybe he has homework i'll wait!'
you know that.. i stayed up as long as i could and when i felt myself falling asleep i put my phone's volume on SUPER LOUD and put it under my ear so i would wake up if you called.
you know that.. you didn't call.
you know that.. you fell asleep early
you know that.. you're acting like it's not a big deal.


it was really important to me. stupid. but true. thanks..

HUNTY.

I LOVE YOU.

we're the best gay boy/bilosergirl couple. we could get married one day! and our wedding would look like.. that! up there.

andd adnnadnandnandnadnandn uhh your head belongs in my vaginal area! not two. oh yeah! and i thuoght you were a hot musical theater freshman when i stalked you on facebook. and i'm so excited right now i'm typo-ing. and adn. we just ate spaghetti and pooped togehrter. same toilet. same butthole. same toilet wiping. SYCHRONIZED WIPING.

and darrin is a tool. and pearl is jesus. and michaela is the toilet paper that we used to wipe our unibutthole. GOLDEN TOILET PAPER. SO HEAVY!

the midas touch.

i love you hunter. you are my best not boyfriend boy friend.

and.

love. is happening. righ tnow. as you lay on top of me. inserting a sweet lil' something. into my sweet lil' something. and in and out. and out and in. and sideways and forwards and up and down twisting and turning shimmying and working and doin' the uh oh uh oh uh oh.

wiggle and jiggle like a tapeworm!

SKINNIEST ANKLES. TINNIEST BOOBS AND NO EARS. AT ALL. WITH A MICROPIG, TWO VAGINAS, AND A MONKEY. WHICH IS THE SAME THING I GUESS. MONKEY VAG.

perfect blog to open it up. :)

yes please.

i want my daughter to have a name like these..

..if i end up wanting kids

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090120052444AAcoXbH

TOWANDA!

See, now is a time for courage. I guess you already know that there are angels masquerading as people walking around this planet and your mom was the bravest one of those.

Idgie Threadgoode: There's so many [voice breaking]

Idgie Threadgoode: things I want to say to you

Ruth: No, I love your stories. Tell me a story, Idgie. [pause]

Ruth: Go on you ol' Bee Charmer, tell me a good tall tale.

One time, there this this lake and uh, it was right outside of town. We used to go fishin' and swimmin' and canoein' in it, and uh, this one November this flock o'ducks came in and landed on that lake, and uh the tempurature dropped sp fast that the lake froze right there and then the ducks, they flew off ya see and took the lake with them and uh, now they say that lake is over in Georgia...imagin' that.

anyone else see a resemblance?

margo roth spiegelman.

Paper Towns page 81 chapter 9

" 'Come here,' she said, and I took a step forward. She hugged me, and the bags made it hard to hug her back, but if I dropped them I might wake someone. I could feel her on her tiptoes and then her mouth was right up against my ear and she said, very clearly, 'I. Will. Miss. Hanging. Out. With. You.'
'You don't have to,' I answered aloud. I tried to hide my dissapointment. 'If you don't like them anymore,' I said, 'just hang out with me. My friends are actually, like, nice.'
Her lips were so close to me that I could feel her smile. 'I'm afraid it's not possible,' she whispered. She let go then, but kept looking at me, taking step after step backward. She raised her eyebrows finally, and smiled, and I believed the smile. I watched her climb up a tree and then lift herself onto the roof outside of her second-floor bedroom window. She jimmied her window open and crawled inside.
I walked through my unlocked front door, tiptoed through the kitchen to my bedroom, peeled off my jeans, threw them into a corner of the closet back near the window screen, downloaded the picture of Jase, and got into bed, my mind booming with the things I would say to her at school."

i want to be her sometimes. right before she dissapeared.
i can do that.
i plan things. i just never go through with them. you'd be suprised by the planning that has taken place in that red journal.
you'd be suprised the maps and locations and routes i had marked.

i. will. miss. hanging. out. with. you.

i'm at katie's house.

college party. i'm sick of it now. i can't work on another application. eff that yo.

it's weird to be in a house. i've never really thought about it. but. yeah.

HEAD HURTS. FEEL DIZZY.

all week. i've felt this way.

it's like being drunk without the stupid happiness. FUCKKKK.

reminds me of pearl's picture. cause it's just her eyes. yeaaaah.

I'm talkin bout everybody gettin crunk crunk, Boys tryna touch my junk junk

who do you trust the most?
maybe pearl.. both of my parents aren't the most trustworthy people.
neither is a certain someone after a certain something happening..
i think she just understands the best. and whatever i could tell her. she would get it. maybe not approve or like.. back me up but she would get it. see where i'm coming from.

what is your favorite memory from your childhood?
whenever something happened. my mom would hold both my hands look at me and say "close your eyes. let's make a memory" and she would describe the moment and we would open our eyes. and the memory would be made.
i remember all of them. those are my favorites.

on the way to nick's house. i started crying. and i got really really angry. for no reason. afterwards caleb said, "well, you're going through a lot of crap" seriously.. like what?
seriously. try to name something that not every other teenager is going through also. it's.. just me. i'm a fucking mess. admit it. i don't need a justification for it. i just am. it's okay. it's just. ughh whatever.

you.

i just want to hold your hand. and maybe listen to stories about your childhood. or what you think about at the end of the day when you're alone in bed.








or maybe this is pathetic and all i need to do is get a grip.

-me.

you're in my body/that's where i think about you

mostly dreams. we talk less. maybe it's good. be margo..

more and more opportunities to do some bad stuff are arising.

"And tonight will go on forever while we walk around this town like we own the streets and stay awake through summer like we own the heat Singing "everybody wake up(wake up)it's time to get down" (everybody, everybody wake up its time to get down) And when I pass the bottle back to Pete on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh"
"I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open) So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned) And we'll never miss a party (this offer stands forever) cause we keep them going constantly And we'll never have to listen (new haircut) to anyone about anything (new bracelet) cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner) we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever) The hell out of this town Find some conversation The low fuel lights been on for days It doesn't mean anyhting I've got another 500 nother 500 miles before we shut this engine down, we shut it down "
"your stomachs filled up but you're starved for conversation"

"The time has come for colds and overcoats. We're quiet on the ride, we're all just waiting to get home. Another week away, my greatest fear. I need the smell of summer, I need its noises in my ears. If looks could really kill, then my profession would be staring. Please know we do this cause we care and not for the thrill. Collect calls to home to tell them that I realize that everyone who lives will someday die and die alone."

"Feel like every chance to leave is another chance I should have took. Every minute is a mile. I've never felt so hollow. I'm an old abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles. My secrets for a buck. Watch me as I cut myself wide open on this stage. Yes, I am paid to spill my guts. I won't see home till spring. Oh, I would kill for the Atlantic, but I am paid to make girls panic while I sing."
"And we won't let you in. Though we're down and out"

i always look for my secret on postsecret.

afro jazz

1. i want my hair like this. skeep to 2:08
2. no comment.
3. i always wish i had freckles
4. but i'd look weird.
5. zooey deschanel is probably my no. 1 celebrity crush. and i just love people at this.. angle? i don't know. anyone like laying on their side looking at me. just is adorable and awesome.

caleb sleepover 2x

that was.. mostly what i thought it would be.
we got in a bigish fight though.. (big for us)
he basically said like. he's tired of being a close-minded jerk who says mean things to me and has all these standards for me and shit.
it was nice to hear.
i almost told him about.. something.
like. "things just happened so fast. i don't think i've processed it yet"
he said that scared him. i think he knew what i meant.
we argue about the stupidest shit which leads up to a meaningful one. i guess that's how it always goes.
i feel like i can be more specific when i have this private. kind of like it. maybe i'll keep it this way.
maybe maybe maybe maybe.
myssyk is fuckin' adorable. i want him to like me. like not be his friend or his student i just want him to be like "savannah, she's a good person" strange feeling. everyone wants to be liked.
i made 6th chair! out of 14. not as good as last year.. i think if we did reseating i would have done good but.. yeah. aaron whitehurst was first! i'm so happy for him. he needs to be appreciated more. then katie was like 8th or 10th or something. and elly sat next to her on the outside. and uhh. christiana was back there.. i'm not sure. all i know is that. me and aaron were da best! haha ishouldn'tcareishouldn'tcareishouldn'tcare. but i feel like we're kind of underdogsish. compared to like.. fuckin' katie. whatever. i'm just not completely dissapointed or overjoyed.
uhhh. i feel really ambivalent about.. things.
yeah.

this whole week i've been feeling off balance. like i'm on a boat. like seasick. it's so weird. i can't move my head fast or i'll just like.. die. but yeah!

shit's great..

"i love you."
"i love you too."
"promise?"
"..yes"

okay so last night went basically how i thought it would. i'm not complaining.. i guess.


:/

maybe i'll switch to tumblr?
i use a bunch of tumblr shit on here anyway.
pearl has this bookmarked.. :) that's nice of her. to care.
i check her shit too.

so many blogs today. because of stuckinhousealldayness.
caleb's sleeping over for the whole weekend basically. OH JOY.

that sounds sarcastic.
uhhh. yeah.

paper towns.

ok a whole bunch of people from GSA were at my house including dionne and leon. and me you gabby and caleb and kenzie were all sitting in a circle talking. i don't remember it wasn't important. but you were wearing a blue dress. and wouldn't look at me. i get up to do something and caleb texted me. the text said "the bad is whats left." or "all the bad has been done" or something like that and i was really confused and automatically wanted to ask you. when i came back to my room to talk to you, you were already walking away leaving. and im running after you trying to catch up but your walking at a normal pace. while all of this is going on caleb's voice is in the background explaining whats gonig on. but i wan't paying attention because i wanted to hear it from you. no even though your just walking. i cant seem to reach you. and when we get outside we are all of the sudden in a parking lot and your walking to your car. right when i hear his voice say "she broke up with me" you are turning out of the parking lot and your gone. and im just standing there out of breathe. then i went to 711 with dionne and never heard from you. and then my dream went a year into the future and i find out you got into a car accident
well when i asked her if she knew about your accident she did and it was not even a big deal. everyone had alread known except me. mhm but when we were at the 711 i saw you in one of the isles and looked around to see if any one else had noticed that you were there but everyone was gone. i called out your name but you just bought an arizone ice tea and left. then i walked outside and you were gone. but everyone was waiting for me so we could go.
then i woke up.

that sounds nice. i should be more like that. more like margo roth spiegelman.
instead of this richoting in between shit.

i learned a song on guitar for you too.

CALEB PAXTON STOP GETTING OFFENDED WHEN I'M JOKING. I'LL TRY AND NOT GET OFFENDED BY YOUR "JOKES" EITHER.
UGHHHH.

everytime i talk to you. it's about how horny you are.

can we just go for a walk in the rain?

self-hate

okay, then you don't have to read this.i thought i've made it clear that this isn't to complain about shit or write about for someone. this is for me. to get my feelings out. but to be criticized for that. to get in trouble because my parents are reading this. that's not what i made this for. so fuck that. maybe i'll open it up later. or tommorow. but right now this seems like the best route.
GOD. i'm sick of it.

i'm sorry.

not good.

1. i'm trying. i. i. i don't know.
2. this picture is beautiful. she looks pure. untouched.
3. she is gorgeous.

thank you.

pretty voice.

help.

i just want to cry while someone holds me and tells me to breathe.



i'm a fucking baby.

who cares.

i've been having really long dreams lately. like long stories. it's crazy.

i have no idea what to write here lately. i have trouble talking too. i might switch back to my red hunting hat for a while. my mom wants me to publish my journal. she's never read it. i say horrible things about her in there. when i was really angry. i say horrible things about a lot of people. i'm really a terrible person. some of it i can't read. when i was really depressed. my hands like.. forgot how to write. it's interesting i guess. now. back then it was scary. funny how that works.

in eighth grade. way before a box cutter or scissors were my weapons of choice. i use to scratch myself. one day i got a little cut on my hand. and i tore it open. and then i tore that open. i used my nails to harm my skin. they looked like burns. i would scratch and scratch until i bled. the scars are gone though. but looking back. god. it was so.. barbaric. i don't think i've ever told anyone that before. but i've been thinking about it a lot. here i feel like i'm allowed to talk about that stuff. lately i'm afraid. i guess it's like. i don't know. forget it.

i miss my therapist.

i miss my box cutter.

haleigh asked me why i was depressed. such a fucked up question. if it was one thing. if it was my dog ran away or something. i would get over it and move on. but my fucking head got so beaten down from eight hundred things happening to it everyday that now when i just fucking forget my lunch at home i break down and cry my eyes out. it's my fucking fault. how's that to answer the question "what did i miss the past year?"
she's so fucking happy now. it's disgusting. she said her outlook on life is amazing now. it's like.. she never needed me. actually i probably brought her down. it makes it look like that at least. and that i needed her and without her i turned into this mess.
that's not the problem at all. but it sure looks like it. ughhh.

i'm just wasting fucking time.
i get so angry at myself at the end of these sometimes.
fuck.

dickdickdickdickdick

seriously?


UGH.

it's funny you said that i think about that all the time

let's be happy. okay?
that sounds nice.

things on my mind.

1. dionne. sweet caroline by neil diamond. performance today. harvey with james stewart. tommorow.
   
   i am very tired.
   
   
   

fascinated by suicide.

how could anyone be fascinated with that?
maybe it's because i feel that way and i search online and through books and through people and everything to see if people feel remotely close to how i'm feeling because i feel so fucking alone in this. everyone is happy. i hate this. i know it's always wrong. going into ODC i thought everyone was smarter than me and everyone understood. going into GSA i thought everyone was better than me and everyone understood.

or maybe i am fascinated.
maybe i will.

but right now. that's not the plan. i can't do that to my mom. or my friends. i can't.

i get to see pearl today.

metaphorically speaking,

i think she's gonna jump start me so i can keep going till at least next week. at the very least.

thank you