fuck you

breathe.

i feel kind of better. i ate. me and my mom are watching 'the breakfast club' now. i texted everyone. alaska is like my nana from peter pan. i watched 'so you think you can dance'. that's the best fucking show.

i tried looking for the dance where legacy is that girl's fear and is emboding that. jeez. that just. was perfect. that explains how i feel. god.. except i haven't conquered it. i'm just some how getting by.

everything is so hard. guys, like. i wouldn't wish this upon anyone. it's the fucking worst.

alaska is one of my favorite people.

i can do this. i can be happy and successful and awesome. i can do this.

i think. i think. i just need help. i just need to accept help. i can do this. i don't know. i can do it.

1. just lifting my fingers to type. they're so heavy. everything. it's like moving through heavy water.
2. ican't believe that happened las tnight
3. it's not right
4. i'm sorry. forver. 'm sorry.
5. i'mjust sleeping on and foff . i've been in bed allady.
6. alaska slept above my head on my pillow uutnil i woke up
7. i want to go on a walk
8. my mom think si'll be okay.
9. i dont'w ant tpeople to see me like this.
10. lock me awy.
11. i tried so hard all dya not to have one. on the way to your house i trickd my abrain to thinking eveyrthign was okay.
12. i an't hold it in.
13. everything is scary.
    

Hey, Strong Bad! I need to be kicked in the face.

can i look like this? truly. not pretending. not getting in a bad mood later. not being condemned for not acting my age. whatever that means. how is a typical seventeen year old suppose to act? i think they would actually be less mature then how i act. at least the ones at tallwood. they are so much worse. i want to be this picture.
i slept through oceanography. still finishing my work before everyone. (allowing for more sleeping time) practiced. recorded myself. wrote in my college notebook of progress. went to theory. got in a bad mood. went to senior prep. started feeling better. mrs watters is the best. then orchestra was whatever. i still stare.
the bus was interesting. we all asked each other awkward questions. it's nice i'm so comfortable with them. darrin said i was like his best friend. it's always a nice thing to hear.
how do i have fun and be happy without being a little immature sometimes. i can do it. just a little. i need to find the balance. tomorrow i work the elections.. not excited. anymore. i just want to sleep. maybe caleb can come over and we can nap.
maybe i can read wuthering heights tomorrow! yeah.. killing two birds with one stone. i'm sure i'll be bored for most of the time. who votes from 5am-1pm? seriously..
i wish i had a sister. oh how i've wished for that all my life. but i still do. so alone here..

i need to calm down. i can do that.
"i can do it. i will do it nine times."
if you know that reference. i will marry you right now.

irony

asking a person who was just googling depression chat rooms for advice on what to say to someone who is suicidal.
the chat rooms sucked by the way. i felt ignored and anxious. it was hurting me more.
i'm glad you asked me though. I mean.. i've been on both sides of the situation more than once. So yeah, anytime you need help ask me. it's okay. I think facial scars are really.. interesting. like. i read about this girl who cut her face because she was really pretty and everyone like expected it from her andshit. one day she just picked up the scissors and went crazy on her face. i guess it's fucked up that i think that's brave. but i really do. i do it on my arms and hide it. you can't hide your face.
that's dumb.
caleb was there. during everything. during like. the beginning of my life falling apart with ryan and my parents and shit. he knew everything and was my friend during everything if not more. but i mean. when i meet others.. i have to explain my arms. no one will.. understand. god.. i just am not feeling good now.

this month is the month of cello. and college in general. i gotta get my shit together. december 1st colleges gotta recieve my cd and apps.

i'm glad you're talking to me andy. andrea is such a beautiful name. i mean elanor is too. your whole freakin' name is. but i love your middle name. andreaandreaandrea. andy.

that is all.

-peter pan

run me over.

everyone is fake. i'm fake. everyone is a hypocrite. i'm a hypocrite.
i'm so.. dissapointed. and sad for the future.

drinking is just. not a good thing man. yeah, i understand it's a great way to get away from reality. it's kind of a break. it's fun to not be here completely. especially with your best friend on halloween and shit like that. i don't know. what i think. i just. feel weird about the whole thing. like almost.. dissapointed? ughhh.

i want to hang out with you today. i want to fix everything. i want to take care of you. i want to be your best friend.

i guess that's why it hurts that you say things won't be like how they use to be. because i don't want to be that ex that you're still friends with. i want to be your best friend and i want you to be mine.

but "wants" don't matter.

i actually said rabbit rabbit today.

i didn't have bad dreams about paranormal activity.

parties suck.

i suck.

fuck.

caleb. he's nice to me at parties now. maybe because i'm so removed and not talkative as usual. i really like gabby. i really do. she's such a good person.

okay i've been sitting at this laptop for too long. i've completely ran out of things to say. my mind is taking over. i keep thinking about everything. i'm in such a weird place right now.

breathe

1. i cried in my lesson because i'm not prepared for college auditions at all
2. i wore makeup for the first time in a long time last night
3. i cried it off
4. the party sucked. i'm so tired of high school. that made it more unbearable.
5. dionne makes me sad and hopeful at the same time
6. i think saint-saens will be great next week. i'll prove to everyone i'm not just an immature senior girl who yells and laughs stupid loud. when people think of me they won't just think that they'll think good cellist. like trevor or dara or andrew.
7. i had another panic attack last night. the worst one ever.
8. caleb and my dad just watched me for twenty minutes
9. it started off when you left. my jaw started shaking. like when you're cold. my teeth were chattering. then my body started shaking.
10. then when i got in the car with caleb and my dad. i started twitching.
11. then i started crying because it was scary
12. then i wanted to die
13. then i tried to talk but i couldn't. only caleb understood me. my mouth kept shutting. it was like stuttering normally but my mouth kept coming together and not opening.
14. i don't like being in the car while i'm having one. it makes me more anxious. i feel like i'm going to die.
15. i tried getting out of my seat in the car. i wanted to fucking jump out the window. anything but be in there.
16. every fucking muscle in my body was tense and flexed. i felt like i was being crushed. i couldn't breathe. i couldn't breathe at all. i couldn't breathe.
17. we pulled over and i fell on the ground. it was like when sailors get off ships and kiss the ground.
18. i just writhed around on the ground crying, screaming, attempting to talk, twitching, shaking, gasping for air, breathing heavily or fast and irregular,yelling.
19. it was like my tongue was too big for my mouth. ..it was a sight.
20. a little girl going insane on some guy's driveway while a middle aged man and teenage boy just watching.
21. then i stopped crying and untensed my body and just laid there. it was like i ran 100 football fields.
22. then i got in the car and went home.
23. i slept on the couch with caleb. and cried more.
24. i asked him out this morning while watching the parent trap
25. we're back together. it makes sense. i know i rush into things. i know i rush out of things. but. i love him. it makes sense. it'll be okay. things will get better..
26. i wish you would have talked to me last night.
27. that was fucking torture. fucking torture. i deserve it. i've said that. you know that. but oh my god it's torture. the party already sucked. and when i finally thought you were going to talk to me. you leave. and i turn into a fucking mental patient
28. if caleb wasn't there i think i'd be in the hospital right now. my dad kept asking if i want to go.
29. caleb told him i couldn't talk. caleb told him to pull over. caleb understood my blathering.
30. i wanted to die at that party. i haven't felt that way in a long time. i think i could have been hit by a car. like alaska. except not driving drunk.
31. i don't think my dad likes me.
32. i wrote you a note, elly. i almost gave it to you yesterday. i've written you a lot of notes actually. lately you've been so short with me and ignoring me. i guess it's like. i'm talking to you through them. i found something else i'd like to give you also.
33.