maybe you're suppose to make my life better. maybe god or whatever is out there was like hmm i'll make her life suck beyond belief but i'll give her a good friend her senior year in high school.
i mean this is not to hate on my already amazing friends. but you don't know how nice it is to have a good friend in the same city who is not a boy and will lay in a playground at night and talk to you about clouds.
maybe we're suppose to teach eachother things. you're so positive. stupid positive. maybe that's what you're suppose to teach me. and i'll teach you to not make the same mistakes i've made haha. god..
OVERANALYZATION.
i need an alarm in my head to go off when i start thinking too much.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
i hate when i shave my legs and then theres like three crazy long black hairs i missed. FML.
i like elly.
i like practicing popper. it makes me feel more precise in life.
i like the weather today.
i like my mom.
i like fucking with leon.
i miss pearl.
i'm kind of regretting quitting half moon.
he is still an asshole.
i like practicing popper. it makes me feel more precise in life.
i like the weather today.
i like my mom.
i like fucking with leon.
i miss pearl.
i'm kind of regretting quitting half moon.
he is still an asshole.
THERAPALOOZA 2009: SUCCESS!
yesterday drained any emotions i've ever had out of me.
you know how we have those ups and downs over the weekend pearl?
yesterday was like 1013945 ups and downs in one day. it was so exhausting.
my contacts are about to fall off.
Good things that happened:
someone walked through the halls with me today and talked to me
i did the best in my class on my ap gov test without studying
i kind of felt better about my situation with my dad
i ate a lot.
i made symphony.
i didn't talk to caleb.
i set up a lesson with dionne kind of.
i got to talk to my real therapist and i came out feeling powerful again.
Bad things:
i missed one question on that test. an easy question. am i always going to miss one question? always be one away from something? almost the best. that's how i feel all the time. like some underdog. not in just one competition but seriously.. in life
i had to spend way too much time with my dad today
i had to talk to him
i cried more than i ever have in therapy
the new therapist would gasp and say "oh my god" when i told her about the other things in my life.
i don't understand theory four.
caleb is a fucking asshole.
he thinks he's so amazing. i fucking hate him right now. i'd love to slap him. if i ever get the opportunity..
katie was an asshole today. have a sense of humor..
dr. carol said i was overanalyzing the caleb shit. i really needed that. i think i might start to not think about it. hah like i can control that. right now it's filled with thoughts of hate though.
god i hate him.. he thinks he's so much better than everyone.
today will be good. or i'll crash and burn like the other days.
another appointment with dr henderson soon.. he gives me the pills..
we're already running low on money.
how can we pay for dr carol. dr buidrionos. and dr henderson. and the pills.
do i really need that much help?
i hate telling people about my suicidal thoughts. it puts everyone on edge around me. leave me alone. isn't it normal?
you know how we have those ups and downs over the weekend pearl?
yesterday was like 1013945 ups and downs in one day. it was so exhausting.
my contacts are about to fall off.
Good things that happened:
someone walked through the halls with me today and talked to me
i did the best in my class on my ap gov test without studying
i kind of felt better about my situation with my dad
i ate a lot.
i made symphony.
i didn't talk to caleb.
i set up a lesson with dionne kind of.
i got to talk to my real therapist and i came out feeling powerful again.
Bad things:
i missed one question on that test. an easy question. am i always going to miss one question? always be one away from something? almost the best. that's how i feel all the time. like some underdog. not in just one competition but seriously.. in life
i had to spend way too much time with my dad today
i had to talk to him
i cried more than i ever have in therapy
the new therapist would gasp and say "oh my god" when i told her about the other things in my life.
i don't understand theory four.
caleb is a fucking asshole.
he thinks he's so amazing. i fucking hate him right now. i'd love to slap him. if i ever get the opportunity..
katie was an asshole today. have a sense of humor..
dr. carol said i was overanalyzing the caleb shit. i really needed that. i think i might start to not think about it. hah like i can control that. right now it's filled with thoughts of hate though.
god i hate him.. he thinks he's so much better than everyone.
today will be good. or i'll crash and burn like the other days.
another appointment with dr henderson soon.. he gives me the pills..
we're already running low on money.
how can we pay for dr carol. dr buidrionos. and dr henderson. and the pills.
do i really need that much help?
i hate telling people about my suicidal thoughts. it puts everyone on edge around me. leave me alone. isn't it normal?
Monday, September 28, 2009
nothing is fair
my parents. my dad's parents. my mom's parents. probably their parents. parents of my friends. my mom's friends marriages. my friends. 50% of marriages end in divorce. i feel like i'm on the bad end of that percentage. everyone i know is either getting a divorce or is unhappy or having an affair. fuck that.
relationships are stupid. after 18 years of marriage people can divorce eachother and hate eachother and cry everyday because of that person or have an affair.
it's bullshit.
why do we put ourselves through this?
i loved him. i trusted him completely. some thing i never told ryan i told him. things i would never tell anyone. he knew me more than anyone. but it's funny.
he knew things i've done and thought.
but he could never put them all together and understand me. it's like you learn all these equations in math but don't know how to use them. you've memorized them. but you can never put them into practical use in life.
he never really understood. but that's a hard task to ask of someone.
i want to walk to richmond. that would be good for me.. exercise. outdoors. a project to put my mind to.
like that will ever happen..
relationships are stupid. after 18 years of marriage people can divorce eachother and hate eachother and cry everyday because of that person or have an affair.
it's bullshit.
why do we put ourselves through this?
i loved him. i trusted him completely. some thing i never told ryan i told him. things i would never tell anyone. he knew me more than anyone. but it's funny.
he knew things i've done and thought.
but he could never put them all together and understand me. it's like you learn all these equations in math but don't know how to use them. you've memorized them. but you can never put them into practical use in life.
he never really understood. but that's a hard task to ask of someone.
i want to walk to richmond. that would be good for me.. exercise. outdoors. a project to put my mind to.
like that will ever happen..
Sunday, September 27, 2009
logorrhea
so obviously you are a constant thing on my mind.
but now you are getting spat out into conversations that would be better without my statement of loneliness.
"i like peanuts"
"YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LIKE PEANUTS!? CALEB. ON OUR LAST DATE TOGETHER HE GAVE ME A PEANUT THEN HE SHOVED ME ON THE PAVEMENT FOR ME TO BLEED TO DEATH"
"oh.. cool."
There was this one girl in middle school. Shelby. She would ALWAYS do that. But more with secret things. like some girl would be talking about sex or something and shelby would go yeah like ashley over there not being a virgin. and we would all be like dead silent with our eyes wide in disbelief that her mouth did that. she would just cover her mouth with the same giant eyes and say something like oh my god guys.. i mean.. oops!
i guess i don't get this because i think SO MUCH. so i think before i talk a lot. so sometimes i'm just quiet.
i really want to go back to richmond. it's stupid though. i'll be there for the weekend. then i'll just be shoved back into all this shit again.
sometimes i think back to figure out why i was so depressed before. and i know it started off with my parents. and my therapist would always say you bottle up your problems until you overflow. but really.. what problems did i have? just parent stuff. i think it was so terrible. because i didn't have a reason. i didn't hate someone or my parents or love someone so much and then they leave. nothing i could just stop or leave or do something like that. i hated myself. i hated myself so much. it's not a reason i could have a solution to. it was just this state of mind i was wrapped up in.
but right now. i am not depressed. i am just. in the process of getting over someone. with a lot of more important things happening to me. but this stupid relationship is my number one priority.
i hate being conscious of something but doing it anyway. that's so stupid to me.
i miss pearl. i hate being so far away. all i can do is talk. and all i can say is words. which have been said before. and rearranged before.
i'm stuck here with happy people. which is probably a good thing. but i try so hard to be a happy person. and i can do it sometimes. but other times i just end up cracking.
it's like i work really hard on making one of those plastic bubble zorb things. but an opaque one. and i work to make it more opaque as the day goes on and then someone sees through it. or breaks through it. and i lose it. and i'm naked.
fuck it..
but now you are getting spat out into conversations that would be better without my statement of loneliness.
"i like peanuts"
"YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LIKE PEANUTS!? CALEB. ON OUR LAST DATE TOGETHER HE GAVE ME A PEANUT THEN HE SHOVED ME ON THE PAVEMENT FOR ME TO BLEED TO DEATH"
"oh.. cool."
There was this one girl in middle school. Shelby. She would ALWAYS do that. But more with secret things. like some girl would be talking about sex or something and shelby would go yeah like ashley over there not being a virgin. and we would all be like dead silent with our eyes wide in disbelief that her mouth did that. she would just cover her mouth with the same giant eyes and say something like oh my god guys.. i mean.. oops!
i guess i don't get this because i think SO MUCH. so i think before i talk a lot. so sometimes i'm just quiet.
i really want to go back to richmond. it's stupid though. i'll be there for the weekend. then i'll just be shoved back into all this shit again.
sometimes i think back to figure out why i was so depressed before. and i know it started off with my parents. and my therapist would always say you bottle up your problems until you overflow. but really.. what problems did i have? just parent stuff. i think it was so terrible. because i didn't have a reason. i didn't hate someone or my parents or love someone so much and then they leave. nothing i could just stop or leave or do something like that. i hated myself. i hated myself so much. it's not a reason i could have a solution to. it was just this state of mind i was wrapped up in.
but right now. i am not depressed. i am just. in the process of getting over someone. with a lot of more important things happening to me. but this stupid relationship is my number one priority.
i hate being conscious of something but doing it anyway. that's so stupid to me.
i miss pearl. i hate being so far away. all i can do is talk. and all i can say is words. which have been said before. and rearranged before.
i'm stuck here with happy people. which is probably a good thing. but i try so hard to be a happy person. and i can do it sometimes. but other times i just end up cracking.
it's like i work really hard on making one of those plastic bubble zorb things. but an opaque one. and i work to make it more opaque as the day goes on and then someone sees through it. or breaks through it. and i lose it. and i'm naked.
fuck it..
Saturday, September 26, 2009
like vioooolleeeennceee
Not sleeping is the worst.
I woke up around two. texted patty. did college stuff.
Listening to blink 182. like.. the right songs. makes me really happy.
then again. the other right songs reminds me of all this shit and makes me feel really aweful.
but right now i'm feeling very rebellious and happy.
I want a sleeve. Now that i'm free again from another boy. I want one.
I just have this image of me older. playing cello in a sweater. giant crazy gray hair. same piercings. maybe eyebrow. no shoes. performing saint saens or shostakovich concerto. with a sleeve of tattoos. and happy.
that's what i'm looking forward to :)
stupid i know
I woke up around two. texted patty. did college stuff.
Listening to blink 182. like.. the right songs. makes me really happy.
then again. the other right songs reminds me of all this shit and makes me feel really aweful.
but right now i'm feeling very rebellious and happy.
I want a sleeve. Now that i'm free again from another boy. I want one.
I just have this image of me older. playing cello in a sweater. giant crazy gray hair. same piercings. maybe eyebrow. no shoes. performing saint saens or shostakovich concerto. with a sleeve of tattoos. and happy.
that's what i'm looking forward to :)
stupid i know
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