logorrhea

so obviously you are a constant thing on my mind.

but now you are getting spat out into conversations that would be better without my statement of loneliness.



"i like peanuts"
"YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LIKE PEANUTS!? CALEB. ON OUR LAST DATE TOGETHER HE GAVE ME A PEANUT THEN HE SHOVED ME ON THE PAVEMENT FOR ME TO BLEED TO DEATH"
"oh.. cool."

There was this one girl in middle school. Shelby. She would ALWAYS do that. But more with secret things. like some girl would be talking about sex or something and shelby would go yeah like ashley over there not being a virgin. and we would all be like dead silent with our eyes wide in disbelief that her mouth did that. she would just cover her mouth with the same giant eyes and say something like oh my god guys.. i mean.. oops!

i guess i don't get this because i think SO MUCH. so i think before i talk a lot. so sometimes i'm just quiet.



i really want to go back to richmond. it's stupid though. i'll be there for the weekend. then i'll just be shoved back into all this shit again.



sometimes i think back to figure out why i was so depressed before. and i know it started off with my parents. and my therapist would always say you bottle up your problems until you overflow. but really.. what problems did i have? just parent stuff. i think it was so terrible. because i didn't have a reason. i didn't hate someone or my parents or love someone so much and then they leave. nothing i could just stop or leave or do something like that. i hated myself. i hated myself so much. it's not a reason i could have a solution to. it was just this state of mind i was wrapped up in.

but right now. i am not depressed. i am just. in the process of getting over someone. with a lot of more important things happening to me. but this stupid relationship is my number one priority.

i hate being conscious of something but doing it anyway. that's so stupid to me.

i miss pearl. i hate being so far away. all i can do is talk. and all i can say is words. which have been said before. and rearranged before.

i'm stuck here with happy people. which is probably a good thing. but i try so hard to be a happy person. and i can do it sometimes. but other times i just end up cracking.

it's like i work really hard on making one of those plastic bubble zorb things. but an opaque one. and i work to make it more opaque as the day goes on and then someone sees through it. or breaks through it. and i lose it. and i'm naked.

fuck it..