All that confidence? remeber it? yeah it was nice. yeah you liked me status. yeah you were excited. i was too.
it's all gone. what the fuck happened?
sometimes it comes in small spurts.
it has gotten to the point where i have to repeat almost everything to keep me sane.
i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.
i write it in my notes. on worksheets. mutter it under my breath. have the words rotating in my mind. then it changes.
nonononononono. i can't. i need him. i need pearl. i need my mom. i need patty. i need. where is everyone? i'm alone. i can't i can't i can't i can't
the the point of i want to carve it on my chest. carve the words i can't. wouldn't that be lovely..
everything has to be repeated to sink in.
just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe. it's so hard. breathing is so difficult.
when i finally calm down after a while of crying or being scared or anxious. my whole body just loosens up and relaxes. it's the weirdest feeling. was i that tense? that all my muscles were flexed and my body was turned inward? was it that bad?
i know it's not my heart. but something in my chest hurts. something in there aches and feels like it's being pushed down against my spine or shoulder blade whatever is in my back. like there is a weight hanging on it. like someone keeps accidently stepping on my heart. more like accidently stampeeding like in the lion king.
nice.. depression to lion king all in a few paragraphs. that should be sufficient enough for an interesting blog.
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