comparisons.

haleigh: lost friendship because of christianity-->caleb
ryan: made me change for him -->not as much but caleb
dad: "don't hate her hate me"--> caleb


why do i keep doing this to myself? i need to be more choosy with my friends or something.. i don't know. that sounds horrible. but really? same mistakes.. nothing i can do about my dad.
caleb didn't say that but i thought of it.
i loved as deeply and selflessly and truly as i could. and i get shit in return.
i loved ryan. i will still admit it. yes he was a really realy big asshole. but when he said he never loved me. that hurt even more. not that i don't want to hurt him. but. i just did okay.
i loved caleb. he was afraid of my red journal. which is silly. but honestly.. all i wrote about concerning him was how afraid and paranoid i was of him cheating on me or finding someone better than me. he flirted so much everytime he was like that with a girl i'd write it down and build some nightmare of him leaving me for her or him secretly talking to her. which ended up happening.. i caught him once. god that was aweful..
"well, i haven't graduated yet :)"
that killed me.
i mean we left eachothers previous relationships for eachother kind of. so.. why not me too? i always thought that. i was so afraid.
and it came true.

i don't feel as good as i did yesterday. maybe because i'm probably going to see him today. i'm afraid. i'm always afraid. i hate that.
a year and a half. is that my expiration date for relationships?
ugh that's stupid to say.
whatever. i really hate myself right now.