Soon.

What does hope mean to you?

I have to discuss that question for 3 minutes today for my friend's mother's experimental video project for her masters.
I have a feeling i'm going to talk about that place.
Livia doesn't know. Jackie doesn't know. The only way they would. Would probably look something like this:
Sav->Cal->And->Jac->Liv?
Just a guess. The only way they would possibly know.
But I want to help out this project it seems like it will end up really awesome.

GreedySelfishShutUp.

I have the opportunity to perform this amazing piece called Memory by Marcelo Zarvos as a sextet with some of my best friends.
BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I want to do the speech for the instrumental department. I have wanted to do so since my freshman year. It's a dumb dream that I learned today will not come true.
Mrs. Watters said it was unfair if she let someone who was performing speak because we have 90 people in the department.
It makes sense.. But.. I'm still REALLY bummed. I kind of almost cried. Lame and greedy I know..
I've just always wanted to do it.
Here's the piece by the way with us performing as an octet a few times:

First time in Chandler at ODU the beginning of last year:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmypzjgU4xg
Second time randomly in the middle of the year at Mrs. Watter's church:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGUfQvRVJ-g
The most recent time at the Sandler Center for Tidewater's got talent (probably the best one):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvKWUCb8U2E

It's just dumb that I care so much and want my cake and to eat it to. LAMEALMLAMEMALEMALMELAMELAMELMALEME whatever. I'll get over it.
Watch those videos. It's a fun piece yooo.

Hi Caleb! I'm pretty sure you read this.

Reason #983475-68273409527834-574801375034985 to hate Tallwood students:

1. I use to respect this girl named Beth. She was really intelligent kind of.. closed off and conservative and just a typical 'nerd'. But. She had 'popular cool' girls for friends. But despite that. I still liked her. She never helped people cheat but she would help them understand it if they asked. Which was annoying but admirable.
2. Her friends basically did that makeover that happens on tv when they take off her glasses and she's automatically hot now.
3. I thought she was really smart right? I was always in the honor classes with her and spanish 1,000,000 but all of the sudden.. she went from algebra 2/trig to algebra 2. Then Problems and statistics. I'm not saying anything is wrong with doing that but she was good at math and she could have just pushed herself.
4. Now her schedule is full of the easiest fucking classes ever. It's just dissapointing. Because I know she can do them. But she's probably just doing it so she can mantain her dumbass 4.0 GPA. No one cares man.. Sure I try hard to get good grades but I actually have to fucking try! I challenge myself. Sure, I'm dropping AP Biology BECAUSE I SUCKKK. I have plenty of good reasons:
I. Reasons to drop AP Bio
a. I got a one on the AP Chem exam
b. I barely passed said class.
c. I didn't do the summer assignment because I thought I was going to drop it.
d. I don't need another science to graduate.
e. I'm not going to be any type of major in college that has to do with science hopefully i'll even go to a conservatory where i take all music classes and 20% humanities courses.
5. Beth sent me a message over myspace (SHE NEVER TALKS TO ME EVER. I MEAN EVER.) {we use to talk about stuff over AIM or whatever all friendly and what not but she ended it} [now she only talks to me if she needs to know something about school like HW or project due dates] and she asked me if I had spanish 5 or honors english with her..

The only time you've ever talked to me was to figure out what classes you had with me. This whole summer. Actually, the past like two years. I use to wave to her in the hallways. Then all of the sudden she stopped.
Okay Beth. Even if we DID have those classes together. Would you fucking talk to me?
Why do I even crave for your acceptance? Why do I want anyone at Tallwood to talk to me? I hate them. I'm just looking for that one person who will be my best friend through all the shit. Usually in those high school movies the loser outcast kid has at least one friend that they like plot to shoot up the school with together haha kiddddding.

I hate high school. I hate that i'm going back there. I hate the guidance department. I hate security. I hate all of the fucking teachers. The people there. The unsaid social rules everyone must follow so they don't look bad. UGH. I fucking hate it.
"They were only the people I sat with by social necessity in the cavernous cafeteria of my public school"
My mom said GSA was the best thing that happened to me randomly last night. She's right. How do other people do it?

Um.

Nevermind..

People are fucking phonies.

I. Don't. Get. It.

Tyson's Corner

GMU was average. That's the best I can explain.
Me and my dad went to the mall afterwards. I found out that I really hate malls. Everyone is all so.. horrible. Maybe it was just me but I felt like everyone was giving a judgemental look (paranoiiiiidddd). A look that said "Wow you're wearing that.. your hair.. your lack of makeup.. your weight..bleh" It made me want to like fix myself up. FOR THE MALL!? It's such bullshit. I mean i'm not going to say I never judge people but. I try not to give people straight up stank faces. Everyone is so messed up too. They're main goal is to buy overpriced shit to look good for all the assholes in the mall. Fuck malls man.
I went to this one store and saw this jacket that was 168$. I'm serious. I went to another store and saw basically the same jacket for around 40$. I scooped that shit up. I got this shirt that reminded me of Patty. And some books.
It reminds me of when I was younger and we had a lot more money. Like my dad was at his peak and my mom started her job and was doing really well. Then the economy pooped itself. My parents jobs are directly affected by that. A financial advisor and a MORTGAGE LOAN OFFICER. yeahhh.. now she's a receptionist for this salon she use to go to to get facials and waxings and stupid stuff. It's weird. It's just. I use to be like the stank girls. Looking down on people for 'not taking care of themselves' I'm trying to be a better person. Everyone is. I just hope i'm doing right.
I had that feeling of. I want to be home. I want to go to sleep in my bed and not talk to anyone and just figure out why people are like this. But I was in the largest shopping mall in the nation three and a half hours from home.
I've been pretty good about sucking it up and doing stuff lately. Friday I wanted to just stay at lakehouse forever and call in sick to work. I did have a headache hah. But I made a commitment and Jim needed me so I went. And I really really really don't want to apply to GMU but i'm going.
Maybe that's a bad thing. I shouldn't be like that. I should do what I want. But. I think there are exceptions to the rule.

George Mason University.

I really don't want to waste my time there or applying there.
BUT. Daddy says I must. So here I go.
Lesson at 9AM. Campus tour at 11AM.

I'm so sick of campus tours. The boring shit ever man.
I kind of bonded with this new cellist that is coming in. I joke that she is a replacement for Patty because they are similar a little. But honest to god, there will never be a replacement for her. Patty is the greatest friend.
She called me tonight. We talked and I laughed my butt off. I love her.
Anyways. I'm excited about the new girl liking me and trusting me. It's a nice feeling. I'm finally the older kid that people look up to in a way.. That sounds arrogant. But I mean.. Me and Katie are the top cello dogs haha. EVEN MORE ARROGANT. I need to stop. It just feels good okay?
Darrin and I were discussing playing the etude for eachother to critique and Elly was like I want to hear Savannah play!
Good feeling.
Then i bombed ahah. Kidding, it was just not.. perfect.

Work was actually good. Except for the mean girls that came in.
"Joe has that pipe!"
"That's not it.."
"Oh duh, it's this one!"
"Their all exactly the same.." -Me
-glares-

The whole time. They just looked at me with such superiority and disgust. With their, i'm serious, brightly colored extremely glittery eyeshadow and backpacks.
Pretty girls make me nervous. It's a fact. That's why I'm still nervous around the McReynold's sistahs.


Getting very off track. I'm going to GMU at the crack of dawn. not stoked. Need sleep. Bye.

Dream 3

First day of school.
I walk in and Haleigh is already sitting down. I sit the exact opposite side of the room. Carson walks in and sits right next to me not really to sit next to me but to sit next to another friend. Then she attempts talking to me and asks me my name. She remembers me from somewhere but doesn't remembe rmy name. I tell her we went to elementary school (not telling her I considered her my best friend.) She says 'Oh yeaaah! I remember I had to make up a song to remember your name.'
Giant let down.
Then she just kept saying stupid shit. It was like she was drunk. Everytime she did I looked over at Haleigh like she was my friend. With that look like 'Oh my god this girl is stupid.. it's funny'
smirk. That knowing smile.

The last time I talked to Carson in person was fifth grade. I'm going into twelfth grade..
Haleigh has recently started kind of talking to me again.

These dreams are so annoying.

cheddabunikilla

I don't really talk about my boyfriend on here. I don't think..
That's usually the only thing people talk about on here haha. Their love interest. I thought i'd give it a go:
I love our story of getting together. It's like a movie sort of haha. (loser). I just think it's amazing how we were always flirty friends. Then Ryan came in the picture and we were still friends. Yeah, there was that period of time when 'i hated you' but you know that was to keep Ryan from yelling at me. It was a terrible thing to do. I just didn't have the strength to leave him. I'm not sure if you ever talked bad about me. But I know for a while you hated me too. Shit, I hated me. I don't blame him.
You always called randomly. That's how I memorized your number, But..Ryan memorized it too.
But he was still there throughout all that crap. Then towards the end. I tried again to talk to you. So did Ryan. It's funny how we both came to you.
Then about a month later we started dating.
After all the years of you being my best friend and then having to go through me dating a terrible person. Caleb Paxton is amazing.
He's half boyfriend half best friend haha.
He is kind of the perfect counterpart to me. He's very rational. I need someone like that haha. We just balance eachother but it's not completely 'opposite attract'. Our lives both have family pain, orchestra, humor sometimes, tv shows (what.. is that really that significant of a thing we have in common? Is that really necessary? yeah..)
It's hard to explain. We are both center of attention kind of people. Which is hardsometimes and sometimes we help eachother out haha. A good example is we figure that I will do the first day speech for GSA and he will do the graduation speech. Both big attention peeps but we work it out haha.
Caleb is just. A really good person for me.
Something else I think is amazing is that. He is the kind of person who doesn't say 'I love you'. He thinks it should only be said when it's really serious. and i'm not like an.. 'I love you' whore but I have said it to Ryan.
IN CONCLUSION.
He says it to me. The day he said it. I was a little suspicious because it was during that period of time when I was in that place. But knowing Caleb. I knew it wasn't just because he felt bad. He meant it. And that just makes me feel like I really am worthy of being his girlfriend.

The point of this rambling is that. Last night driving him home after saying goodbye to my best friend ever. She might as well be me and Caleb's girlfriend haha. Caleb, Patty, and Sav. That was the funnest group. I kept thinking. Me and Caleb have a chance of going to the same college. But. Another chance of not going to the same college. He told me a while ago that he will be with me as long as I let him. But what if that changes. What if he realizes we will be going to school blah miles apart and it won't work.
I need to be more confident.
It's just a nagging thing in my head lately.
What if?
I guess I don't talk about him that much on here because I talk about my problems. And the things bothering me.
Caleb is nothing like that. He's the one good thing I have right now.

17

So..

Patty is gone. Leaving tommorow at seven. I was going to go to her house in the morning and suprise her with lasagna. But.. I need to let go. It hasn't hit her yet. She never knows what to do when i'm upset. Which is fine. I'm just kind of mad that this whole summer I barely saw her and now when it really matters she told her mom too late that I was able to help her move. And she told her too late that she was spending the day with me today. So we only hung out for about two hours. I'm not mad. Just deeply dissapointed and a little.. bitter about the summer.

Today was. fine. Caleb says he's going to make it up to me. Not like he did anything wrong. Just bad timing.

Haleigh texted me and posted on my wall happy birthday. It was weird. I don't know how to handle it. I texted back. It was just really suprising and i'm not sure if I want to pursue it.
I kind of don't. A lot.


Jim was talking about the other employees. He said that he hadn't figured out Sonya yet. I asked if he figured me out. He said:
"You're too young. You don't know yourself completely yet. People can't figure you out when you haven't figured yourself out. It's not a bad thing. It's just right for the age you are."

I shoot people in this hat

Looking back at my red pleather journal.. I forgot that I bought it so I could plan my escape. The beginning is all ideas of how to leave. People who would be willing to house me for a night. Places to go. Ways to get there. Ways to get money. Planning.
Also, it's amazing what people at Tallwood have done to me. It's fucking amazing. I just read the entry when people started PURPOSELY hitting my cello. As in, smacking as I passed by and calling me a bitch.
I read my birthday card Haleigh made for me last year. We always break up during the year but come back as really good friends by the time my birthday comes around. My birthday card from her before this was good too..
I think I won't forget about her because.. she was the best friend I ever had at that time in my life. She was a terrible friend but I had even worse before that. We were just so close. It's the weirdest fucking thing to walk past someone in the hallway and not look at them on purpose when the summer before you: got in food fights with, got drunk for the first time with, talked on the phone for hours late at night with, first sleepover in a long time, texted all the time everyday from a good morning text to good night. It's the weirdest thing. I can't stop thinking about her because it was just.. out of the blue when she 'broke up with me'. Being her friend again would suck. But I really want her to be. Last year I always thought: hey, senior year we are going to at least be on talking terms because the last year everyone kind of gets on talking terms with their enemiesish. You know what I mean? We'll see I guess. I just think/dream about her all the time. It happens with all my friends who ended up sucking or hating me. Probably because 'I long for a closeness through friends because my parents are assholes'.
She was my best friend.
It just worries me. What if my friends now suddenly stop liking me and stop being my friend. What if I turn into a bad influence and they want to cut me out of their life. Parents use to like me. Not anymore. I think it's cool sometimes. Like ooh i'm the bad kid. But then I just worry i'll lose that person as a friend.
I'm just really weird about friends because of my family sucking I guess. My friends are my family. Losing a family member is really.. traumatic. That's really how it feels. Traumatic. I still have dreams about Carson, Pyper, Haleigh. Not any boyfriends probably because that isn't family. Friends I had seven years ago. I really hope Haleigh doesn't turn into that she doesn't deserve it.

It's not good to dwell on the past. But I think it's good to take a healthy look back at how you use to be so you can keep improving the way you are. It kind of helps me.

Today was not terrible.

Yay.
Tommorow I don't have work. I have a party at night with Caleb. I'm going to find someone to spend the night so I can spend the minutes until I turn 17 with a good friend.
It's going to be a good next few days. Oh and Pearl and Michaela come back tommorow.

I need to find a bike. And purchase it.

Alaska.

Wake up. Get yelled at. Cry. Go to work. Get yelled at. Hold it in. Come home. Yell at myself for the day. Cry. Get yelled at. Go to bed.




This is a good moment. Alaska is just pushing her head against my face purring. Remeber this feeling.

Pathetic

..what now?

I need to calm down.

I don't want to spend the weekend here.
I don't want them to move away.
I don't want to go to another party.
I don't want to have to struggle to get something right at Tallwood again.
I don't want my mom to talk to me like that.
I don't want to be on this computer because my dad is a fucking pig.
I don't want to feel like this or take all this medicine or go to two therapists because I can't do shit myself or handle it myself.
I don't want other people's help.
I don't want to be so underpayed.
I don't want to be so frustrated all the time with everything and everyone.
I don't want her to be out of town.
I don't want to graduate or start looking at colleges.

I want to lay in bed and sleep for a long time. Not forever. Not death. Just sleep and out of the way for a while. It'll be easier and better for everyone.

"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."

But it doesn't matter what I want.

Dream Number Two

I walked into my parents room and my mom was screaming as my dad walked out of the room and she had bent kitchen knife coming out of the side of her head. I ran to get help and the cops tackled me and I kept saying I didn't do it. They went in their room and took out the knife and she died. Then I had to go to a job interview after that. I was trying to talk to Caleb on the phone but he wouldn't answer. I went to the interview anyway crying the whole time.

Scariest dream I've had in a while.

I hate myself

So frustrating..

Don't stick your nose up at me.

I cried last night because my mom yelled at me for the gas tank being empty and me leaving the lights on and not parking in the garage. I'm so stupid.
I woke up and my mom kept asking if her shoes matched.
"do my shoes match my shirt? does the shirt clash with my pants? do my pants match my eyes? do my eyes look good tonight? will this place be cool enough? your hair looks oh so tough. this looks so good for us. tonight my moneys gunna buy me love."
She had a black eye. Apparently from something with Alaska. She was trying to block her face from her scratching her but she hit herself. I never believe her when she has bruises like that. When we lived with dad she always had the worst bruises. I am convinced he hit her.
She was all stressed out and asking me if she matched and mad that the tank wasn't filled and wanted me to drop her off at work then refill the tank. She was asking all these questions. I can't handle being asked a lot of questions when i'm already stressed out. It was like her stress was being transfered to me. She was late to work. While driving there she yelled at me for backing out of the garage too fast then not driving fast enough to get her to work on time.
"I'd like to not be late to work.." Instead of "Please drive faster" or something not indirect and bitchy. It made me more frustrated. I drove the same fucking speed. I showed her.. hah. What is wrong with me.
Then I just slammed some doors and sulked around the apartment. I am so frustrated with myself. When I got home I kept dropping things and hitting things and running into things. Why am I so clumsy when i'm already frustrated. It's impossible for one thing to suck for me. It has to be everything at once.
You know what I realized the other day at therapy.. My parents still aren't divorced. It's going on three years. Can you fucking imagine? Three years of being in between having married parents and divorced parents. It's still not final. What the fuck. I've just kind of always told people they were divorced. But I guess they are just separated. Everyone has already moved on though. My dad has a girlfriend. My mom is moved out.
"The divorce has been really hard on all of us. Especially Savannah."
Why is it so hard on me? Cause I have to go through it alone? We are all going through it alone. Except my dad. Why am I so weak? Fuck this man. I'm sick of this fragile shit. Why am I like this.. I am so fucking sick of it.
I also found out i'm stuck with AP Biology. Didn't look at the summer assignment because I was going to drop it. But i'm too late. What am I going to do? I fucking suck at science. 1 on AP Chem. I failed with flying colors. But I guess my guidence counsler thinks it's best. I hate Tallwood. I hate everyone that works there. Everyone who attends that school. It's bullshit.
One more year? that's suppose to make me feel better? Another entire year of having to deal with ignorant assholes who pity me. I'd love to say I pity them. But they wouldn't care. They think they are the shit because they can hide safely at their full lunch table from anyone questioning their social status. What's wrong with being alone? Some people can't walk from one class to the other without someone by their side. Is everyone that dependent?
"You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends, pontificating to each other, forever competing for that one moment of self aggrandizing glory in which you hog the intellectual spotlight, holding dominion over the entire SHALLOW....POINTLESS...conversation. Oh we're not worthy.When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people you chuckle to yourself, patting yourself on the back as you scoff. It's the same superority complex shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell, makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma you spend every moment of your waking life BITCHING about"
No matter how hard I try explaining my mom doesn't get it. She apologizes half heartedly and then goes on talking about something completely random.
All my mother does is tell me what I do wrong. I already do that enough to myself. It's too much.
I already can't handle anything. So fucking fragile. That's so annoying. Caleb is afraid to tell me things or talk to me sometimes because of it. I can tell.

It's not that I don't want to it's that I can't.
This is me trying my best to explain. This is me failing at trying my best to explain.

_

HNNHMJNHJVFMJ,KNHMJ NHMMJNNHNHMJ NNHNNNHNH GHHHHHHVFFGIOOOOOOCCZAWERHJTUHI.GUOBGH;.;CGTUKETJZETZ.

Therapist Number 2

It's weird that she thinks so highly of me after not even an hour of talking to me. A little self esteem boost.
"Have you ever been suicidal?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever made a plan?"
"No."
"Really?"
"No."
I don't like lying to a therapist. But whenever you mention things like that. Bad things happen. I've figured out it's better to just not talk about it a lot.
Of course I've had plans.
I notice the stupidest things. This one little girl had a cell phone. She was like.. seven or less. With a cell phone in her shirt. Like you know how some girls put it in their bra or whatever. That's where she had it. She was chewing gum with blonde hair and a cell phone where one day there will be cleavage. It was just.. sad.
The tissues were already on the couch. It seemed.. not hopeful. Like.. I already know your ass is going to be bawling your eyes out. Mmm thanks.
I just really want to go to sleep right now. I want to talk to Pearl and Michaela and others but. I'm just exhausted of dealing with everything.
Sleeping is close..

Dream.

I started smoking. I was at Kempsville High school. My parents made me go to the hospital. So I had to ride my bike from school to the hospital. I got really lost and couldn't find it. I kept smoking. I was smoking throughout like my whole dream. I finally got there after hours of riding my bike in circles. I didn't go inside, I just sat on the stairs leading up to it. A patient sat next to me. He was around my age with black shaggy hair and he was wearing those paper clothes you wear when you get surgery or whatever. He kissed me on the head and left after sitting there for a while. He also gave me this big poster of pictures and I moved one of the pictures and underneath was a message to me. I don't remember what it said something kind.
I went inside and everyone was so nice.
I really want to go there right now. It wouldn't be so bad. School hasn't started yet. I don't really care if I miss school anyway. I don't care if I fail this year.
Right now I don't really give a shit about anything.
I will do anything to feel better. I hate this. It came out of nowhere.

the groggy sleepless blood dragging through my veins

I don't feel good.
I don't know why.
There is no reason to cry at all.
This is so fucking frustrating. This doesn't make sense. I want to fucking scream. My heart fucking aches.
I don't understand.
God dammit. I don't want to break my promise, but it will feel so good.

Reggae Summer Splash

I felt like I failed you as a friend when you left and driving to dairy queen.
I feel better now. I hope you do too.
Thank you for coming. Thank you for talking with me.
You make me feel comfortable.

Michaela

I was driving home from a really long work day and I wanted to give Pearl and Michaela their presents that I had in my mom's car. Then I was like.. well i'm not going to have much time to be there anyway and i'm going to see them soon so why go.. I turned around. I completely started going back home. Then something in me was like just go who cares.. So once again, I U-turned and went back.
I hate wasting time while making decisions.
Their mom said "I'm actually glad you're here this time Savannah. Go cheer up your friend."
I love Michaela. I really do. We have a similar struggle. Different but similar. I think together we can lean on eachother and make it through. I know that feeling of no one understanding what it's like. And i'm not saying I know how you feel. I don't. But we have things in common. Which is both terrible and comforting.
Driving home I felt the same. "I feel like a fresh start. I need to hold onto this day and remember it when I feel like dying and wallowing in my own grief. I think I will."

You make me happy. You make me want to stay.

Mama

She is crying now. I don't know why. I usually don't. It kills me.
Really late at night or in the early morning at the old house when we all lived together I heard her cry so hard in her room. I cried with her but she never knew.
She bothers me so much sometimes but still she calms me down. Whenever I have a panic attack I'm usually near her so I can go to her and she rocks me like a baby. A fucked up baby.

My dad is another story. I hate him.

My mom is over emotional, over protective, always in defense mode because of all the shit she has been through. It all makes sense but sometimes it is too much. But when I really need her. She is a normal mom. A good mom.
I try to spend as much time as I can with her now. I've said it to friends and canceled things so I can be with her. We need to stick together during this. She needs me. We need eachother. I need to stop being selfish and mean to her.
I love my mother. That kind of love that will never go away because we are family and we can yell at eachother and hurt eachother with our words but we will always love eachother.
My mother is a strong woman. I can only dream of being as strong as her one day.

My heart gives off more light than heat

Running away is not as good as I thought it was. I mean I did it terribly but.. It was pretty much just the initial feeling of freedom, then I kept feeling worse and worse.
Maybe if I get out all my thoughts at 3AM on here. I can stop thinking so much and get back to sleep.
I wish I could cheer up Michaela not just for a while but truly cheer her up. But I feel the same or close to it. I wish she could just take the load off her back and put it on mine. I hate/love when I meet someone who has been through the same horrible things. It's great to be able to REALLY talk about it with someone but I hate that someone I love has been through/is going through such shit. It was the same with Julie.

I feel a lot of things in my heart. When i'm depressed my heart physically aches. When i'm truly truly happy it's like expanded and lifted. I feel like I can breathe deeper.
I wrote down all the times since the depression when I felt truly happy. It suprised me how short it was.

And now the power went out.. great.

You're the most independent person I ever known, Savannah Flores

Is that a good thing?

Today wasn't terrible. It was just. Boring. Better than bad though! No complaints. I made forty dollars. Not equal to the amount I worked but that's okay. I'm thankful I am actually making money and not miserable doing it.
I like being alone. Maybe that's a good thing. I should enjoy that while it lasts.

Tomorrow I have work then therapy then sleepover with all the cellists. I can't waaaaiiiittt. THEN GUESS WHAT.
My birthday party Friday. I'm like a little kid. So excited.

I've been on edge. I need to relax. How do I go about doing that?

Billy Bibbit

You think I wuh-wuh-wuh-want to stay in here? You think I wouldn't like a con-con-vertible and a guh-guh-girl friend? But did you ever have people l-l-laughing at you? No, because you're so b-big and so tough! Well, I'm not big and tough.

Last night. After he called. I couldn't control myself. I twitched more than I have in a long time. I went to my mom and she rocked me while I had either my second or third anxiety attack.
She is usually there.

I think something broke when that happened. I don't feel the same.

"You long for a closeness with people.."

"..something you've lost from your family. Separation and loss is a theme in your life. That's why you ask them to tell you a secret."

It's not that he's gone and I don't have a car anymore. It's that my dad doesn't trust me anymore.
He bought me a car that lasted for less than half a summer because of my negligence.
I need to start being more responsible.
But how is that any fun?

It was Caleb, my mom, and me all eating breakfast yesterday morning and out of the blue she says that she needs to go to my dad's house to fix the router there because the internet hasn't been working. Immediately I think that's bullshit and ask her why she's doing it.
WHY DID I ASK THAT.
She goes into this long speech about how she'll do anything to make it better for me there and that she hates daddy but loves him and she knows that he is an asshole but she wants me to have a good life and all this stuff that is true, but not what I wanted to hear in the morning with Caleb sitting next to me.. Caleb awkwardly gets up and goes to the bathroom while without words I say "Why did you do that?" She cries even more than before and apologizes.
I lose it, curl up in my bed, and cry.

I think depression is more of a place than a state of mind. It's a place that I get stuck in sometimes. A place that is so miserable and painful and isolating but easy. It's so easy to just be pulled into that place. Just lay down in that place. It's terrible but familiar. I'm not stuck in there like last time. I'm just struggling to leave. Everytime I feel like I'm getting closer I get sucked in. I just slip back to that place.

No one wants to hear this.