my calf hurts so baddd.
i want to go to vcu nowww. i want to be with pearl. make her feel better. some how.
i hate that caleb makes me feel like others will not respect that decision if i make it.
my hair is really flat today.
i love aaron.
i love trevor.
my favorite part of hrcp was aaron and trevor talking to eachother. i was watching them like a movie or something hahah.
gahhh pearlpearlpearl. COME FOR THE WEEKEND AND I'LL NURSE YOU BACK TO HAPPINESS. hah. ughh.
i like playing with aaron.
i like chocolate milk.
i like my mom sometimes.
i like cleaning sometimes.
i hate a days.
i hate waking up.
i hate taking showers.
i like the way i feel after showers.
i hate getting ready.
i like elly.
i like texting elly.
i like talking to elly.
i like smelling elly's smell on her pants.
i like the amount of shit that i have that belongs to elly.
i belong to elly.
THASENOUGH.
food time!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
day fifty nine.
i'm going to try to sum up the events of the past two days or whatever. i have a shit memory so.. here we go!
th/fr: talked to caleb. it got bad. he signed off mid convo. missed elly's goodnight calls. caleb left a long voicemail of apology.
fr: felt like shit in the morning. mom yelled at me. i lost my oceanography book with all my oceanography stuff in it. so. i was expecting more yelling from him. cried on the way to school. got sonic. went home due to crying. i guess it was just like. i feel like everyone's punching bag and everyone takes out their anger they have for something else on me:
caleb is my good friend. we have always been best friends. so it's okay for him to vent to me. but. the other night. he was just. mad and sad about his other things going on. and randomly. COMPLETELY RANDOMLY. would bring up everything that happened between us concerning elly and blah. he's not mad at me. he's mad at everyone else. i got over it. he hurt me so badly. and i got over it. yeah, i hurt him badly too. but. god. how many times can i say this? HE BROKE UP WITH ME FIRST. is that childish? i don't think so. he shook everything we had. god. it doesn't matter! i'm happy now. i just hate how he wants pity. i hateeeeeeeeee when people pity me.
"9:45pmSavannah
do you want people to feel bad for you?
9:45pmCaleb
uh
YEAH
i do"
my mom can do it because i'm her daughter. she's upset about all the shit things in her life. and i do one little thing wrong and she unleashes all her emotions on me.
mr. baumer. the least of my worries. but maybe the most frustrating. always yells at me. when i ask for makeup work. when i ask a question. the whole class is full of obnoxious disrespectful assholes. yeah. but i do all my work. and i finish it fucking first. and on my own. and all correct. so don't take out all your shit on me. ughghhghg.
so i went home insanely crying. got over it. went to gsa bus. theory. caleb was weird at first then opened up and we talked like old times. which sometimes bothers me. but it's better than nothing i guess. 2:00 got on the bus basically. elly got bad vibes from caleb. i felt awful. um. things got better. it was fun. mackenzie can be obnoxious sometimes. uhhh bus things. got to the hotel. pool. caleb was an asshole to jonlin. "i like your new person a lot better than your last" that was nice of her. went to bed. woke up at 3am. had an adventure. went back to bed. breakfast where everything was the same taupe color. all state! started a woodrow wilson thing. got 21/56. aaron got 1st! i'm so happy for him. he deserves it. everyone was celebrating him. i hope everyone appreciates him more now.
had lunch with gabby and trevor and elly. that was interesting haha. i knew something trevor didn't! haha. i respect him in certain ways. me and elly are getting more couplelike. i'm so excited hahaha. i don't know how to explain it. it just. it's just happening. haha. we went to barnes and noble looked at stuff. michaels. petco. had coffee. walked around. blah. helped katie get her penis on the bus. bus ride was amazing. i can't remember much more.
it was honestly just really good. and it felt longer than it was :)
i miss pearl.
i'm tired.
i'll talk more later.
oh! i mentioned this blog to gabby and katie. i was about to give them the address. but i decided against it. i think that's a bad idea.
th/fr: talked to caleb. it got bad. he signed off mid convo. missed elly's goodnight calls. caleb left a long voicemail of apology.
fr: felt like shit in the morning. mom yelled at me. i lost my oceanography book with all my oceanography stuff in it. so. i was expecting more yelling from him. cried on the way to school. got sonic. went home due to crying. i guess it was just like. i feel like everyone's punching bag and everyone takes out their anger they have for something else on me:
caleb is my good friend. we have always been best friends. so it's okay for him to vent to me. but. the other night. he was just. mad and sad about his other things going on. and randomly. COMPLETELY RANDOMLY. would bring up everything that happened between us concerning elly and blah. he's not mad at me. he's mad at everyone else. i got over it. he hurt me so badly. and i got over it. yeah, i hurt him badly too. but. god. how many times can i say this? HE BROKE UP WITH ME FIRST. is that childish? i don't think so. he shook everything we had. god. it doesn't matter! i'm happy now. i just hate how he wants pity. i hateeeeeeeeee when people pity me.
"9:45pmSavannah
do you want people to feel bad for you?
9:45pmCaleb
uh
YEAH
i do"
my mom can do it because i'm her daughter. she's upset about all the shit things in her life. and i do one little thing wrong and she unleashes all her emotions on me.
mr. baumer. the least of my worries. but maybe the most frustrating. always yells at me. when i ask for makeup work. when i ask a question. the whole class is full of obnoxious disrespectful assholes. yeah. but i do all my work. and i finish it fucking first. and on my own. and all correct. so don't take out all your shit on me. ughghhghg.
so i went home insanely crying. got over it. went to gsa bus. theory. caleb was weird at first then opened up and we talked like old times. which sometimes bothers me. but it's better than nothing i guess. 2:00 got on the bus basically. elly got bad vibes from caleb. i felt awful. um. things got better. it was fun. mackenzie can be obnoxious sometimes. uhhh bus things. got to the hotel. pool. caleb was an asshole to jonlin. "i like your new person a lot better than your last" that was nice of her. went to bed. woke up at 3am. had an adventure. went back to bed. breakfast where everything was the same taupe color. all state! started a woodrow wilson thing. got 21/56. aaron got 1st! i'm so happy for him. he deserves it. everyone was celebrating him. i hope everyone appreciates him more now.
had lunch with gabby and trevor and elly. that was interesting haha. i knew something trevor didn't! haha. i respect him in certain ways. me and elly are getting more couplelike. i'm so excited hahaha. i don't know how to explain it. it just. it's just happening. haha. we went to barnes and noble looked at stuff. michaels. petco. had coffee. walked around. blah. helped katie get her penis on the bus. bus ride was amazing. i can't remember much more.
it was honestly just really good. and it felt longer than it was :)
i miss pearl.
i'm tired.
i'll talk more later.
oh! i mentioned this blog to gabby and katie. i was about to give them the address. but i decided against it. i think that's a bad idea.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
day fiftyPOOP.
so back to that idea. ENGLISH AND THEORY ARE THE SAME. even more so! i learned some stuff today in english and i was like. amazed.
everyone complains about "meh, i just want to read the book/poem. why do i have to analyze it to death? did they really think about all this stuff when they wrote it?"
same with music theory.
but it helps! at least i think so. for music. when you are playing something and you're playing the third of the chord you play it lower because then it'll lock in. but if you didn't know theory. you wouldn't know it was the third. or to emphazise the leading tone. or how to improv.
then english you don't know how to read a poem if you don't know the meter or the rhyme scheme. or what it's about! would you read it in a happy tone if it's about like death or something!?
i just. wish people would appreciate it more. the symbolism. it's all connected. the arts. written word. music. visual arts. all that shit. it's all connected.
today, we're learning about rhythm and meter in english. and we were defining terms. and one of them was anacrusis. and i was like well, shit. i know that!
so i said "well, i don't know how this applies to english. but in music, it's a fancy word for a pickup like -sings gigue from the first suite- it's the note before the piece starts or the real theme or whatever."
"i don't get it"
"uh, okay!"
i tried. but yeah!
i was about to like.. say something to these girls who talk all class and sit next to me. but. i'm a chicken. sooo. i just sat quietly.
government i got 100 on a quiz i didn't study for.
i practiced the ravel. had fun in quintet. da camera i got annoyed by the same person as yesterday. ugh. i guess it's just that time of the month that's bringin' me down. but. she really brings the bitch out. correcting my spelling. when she fucking can't spell. anything right. fuck that.
hahahah. it's not a big deal.
i'm just tired. all the time. 24/7 tired.
i want a nice body.
everyone complains about "meh, i just want to read the book/poem. why do i have to analyze it to death? did they really think about all this stuff when they wrote it?"
same with music theory.
but it helps! at least i think so. for music. when you are playing something and you're playing the third of the chord you play it lower because then it'll lock in. but if you didn't know theory. you wouldn't know it was the third. or to emphazise the leading tone. or how to improv.
then english you don't know how to read a poem if you don't know the meter or the rhyme scheme. or what it's about! would you read it in a happy tone if it's about like death or something!?
i just. wish people would appreciate it more. the symbolism. it's all connected. the arts. written word. music. visual arts. all that shit. it's all connected.
today, we're learning about rhythm and meter in english. and we were defining terms. and one of them was anacrusis. and i was like well, shit. i know that!
so i said "well, i don't know how this applies to english. but in music, it's a fancy word for a pickup like -sings gigue from the first suite- it's the note before the piece starts or the real theme or whatever."
"i don't get it"
"uh, okay!"
i tried. but yeah!
i was about to like.. say something to these girls who talk all class and sit next to me. but. i'm a chicken. sooo. i just sat quietly.
government i got 100 on a quiz i didn't study for.
i practiced the ravel. had fun in quintet. da camera i got annoyed by the same person as yesterday. ugh. i guess it's just that time of the month that's bringin' me down. but. she really brings the bitch out. correcting my spelling. when she fucking can't spell. anything right. fuck that.
hahahah. it's not a big deal.
i'm just tired. all the time. 24/7 tired.
i want a nice body.
day fifty six.
thought to write more on later: english and music theory.
REMEMBER SAV. REMEMBERRRRRRR.
SURRENDERRRR SURRENDERRRR! cheap trick? mmm.
REMEMBER SAV. REMEMBERRRRRRR.
SURRENDERRRR SURRENDERRRR! cheap trick? mmm.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
day shfifty five.
i have been in love with a man since the summer before my junior year.
his name.
saint saens.
BUT THIS LITTLE FRENCH BITCH IS GOING TO HAVE TO STEP ASIDE.
finallyyy! i will be getting a new piece for my senior recital! sweet jesus i'm excited.
frifri was basically saying it'll be like a cool fun showpiece. YAY.
and and and. i'm going to ask dionne. and. fri is going to bring in stuff. GAAAAAAAAAH.
"i'd love to work on this with you"
"what? the prokofiev sonata?"
"any of it."
YAYAYAYYAy.
my first lesson with mrs. frittelli was in some random office and i played something and she walked around me and stared while standing up writing down all these things i was doing wrong. afterwards..
i cried.
freshman year i didn't know any scales. she drilled them into my brain. she was in the office downstairs by the music library. i shared my lesson with katie? or was it ian.. or elise? hahaha. i just remember her being like "savannah, you need to know your scales."
so much crying.
sophmore year. i basically wasn't a GSA student. mentally. i tried to quit. i didn't practice at all. i didn't go to regionals which dissapointed her. i didn't do anything. but when i decided to stay at gsa. she said she was so glad i did.
crying.
junior year! uhh. i shared a lesson with. uh. where the fuck were lessons. i don't know! i feel like this year was good though. this is when i stepped it up. this is when i made 3rd at regionals. and got middle at all state. this is when we got comfortable.
now. it's like just. perfect. i brought in my lesson book and i was like OH MY GOD MRS FRITTELLI. I'VE HAD THIS SINCE FRESHIE YEAR. and she was like. why is it so thin? hahah. and i was like i guess i've been consistent! and she laughed. now it's like. she doesn't get mad when i don't bring anything. she knows what i'm capable of. and i don't know. i just love her.
it's just awesome how i went from being so scared of her to being kind of friends with her.
his name.
saint saens.
BUT THIS LITTLE FRENCH BITCH IS GOING TO HAVE TO STEP ASIDE.
finallyyy! i will be getting a new piece for my senior recital! sweet jesus i'm excited.
frifri was basically saying it'll be like a cool fun showpiece. YAY.
and and and. i'm going to ask dionne. and. fri is going to bring in stuff. GAAAAAAAAAH.
"i'd love to work on this with you"
"what? the prokofiev sonata?"
"any of it."
YAYAYAYYAy.
my first lesson with mrs. frittelli was in some random office and i played something and she walked around me and stared while standing up writing down all these things i was doing wrong. afterwards..
i cried.
freshman year i didn't know any scales. she drilled them into my brain. she was in the office downstairs by the music library. i shared my lesson with katie? or was it ian.. or elise? hahaha. i just remember her being like "savannah, you need to know your scales."
so much crying.
sophmore year. i basically wasn't a GSA student. mentally. i tried to quit. i didn't practice at all. i didn't go to regionals which dissapointed her. i didn't do anything. but when i decided to stay at gsa. she said she was so glad i did.
crying.
junior year! uhh. i shared a lesson with. uh. where the fuck were lessons. i don't know! i feel like this year was good though. this is when i stepped it up. this is when i made 3rd at regionals. and got middle at all state. this is when we got comfortable.
now. it's like just. perfect. i brought in my lesson book and i was like OH MY GOD MRS FRITTELLI. I'VE HAD THIS SINCE FRESHIE YEAR. and she was like. why is it so thin? hahah. and i was like i guess i've been consistent! and she laughed. now it's like. she doesn't get mad when i don't bring anything. she knows what i'm capable of. and i don't know. i just love her.
it's just awesome how i went from being so scared of her to being kind of friends with her.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
DAY FIFTY FOUR.
tired as a mo'.
talkin' to elano'.
chillin with alaska flo.
DILDO.
like my freestyle?
talkin' to elano'.
chillin with alaska flo.
DILDO.
like my freestyle?
day fifty three.
i don't feel good.
not physically. UGH.
i really really really don't want to go to school. but it's a fucking a day which means both my ap classes. it's a tuesday so that means da camera and my lesson and opera from 6-9.
FUCK.
i want to lay in bed all day.
not physically. UGH.
i really really really don't want to go to school. but it's a fucking a day which means both my ap classes. it's a tuesday so that means da camera and my lesson and opera from 6-9.
FUCK.
i want to lay in bed all day.
Monday, February 22, 2010
d53
you know what.
i'm being retarded.
fuck it. it's my fault. okay.
i gave them the tools to talk about it.
i started it. that day i walked on to the bus and made it an open topic.
lalala. let it go. just no longer tell everyone everything. boom.
everything's fixed.
i'm being retarded.
fuck it. it's my fault. okay.
i gave them the tools to talk about it.
i started it. that day i walked on to the bus and made it an open topic.
lalala. let it go. just no longer tell everyone everything. boom.
everything's fixed.
day fifty three.
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be be be be I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be be be be I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be be be be I'm a I'm a be.
[Fergie:]
I'm a be on the next level
I'm a be rockin' over that bass treble
I'm a be chillin' with my muthafuckin' crew
I'm a be makin' all them deals you wanna do
I'm a be up in that maylist flicks
Doin' 100 flips, and I'm a be
Sippin' on drinks cause
I'm a be shakin' my hips
You gon' be lickin' your lips
I'm a be takin' them pics
Lookin' all fly and shit
I'm a be the flyest chick, so fly
I'm a be spreadin' my wings
I'm a be doin' my thing (do it do it)
Okay.
I'm a I'm a swing it this way, (I'm a I'm a s...) I'm a I'm a swing it that way
This is Fergie-Ferg, and I'm a (I'm a) be here to stay
The 21st century till infinitay
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be.
Rich baby quick quick I'm a I'm a I'm a be
The shit baby check me out be
I'm a be, I'm a be
On top, never stop (be be)
I'm a I'm a be I'm a be be be be I'm a I'm a be
I'm a be, fuckin' her
I'm a I'm a I'm a be I'm a be be be I'm a I'm a be.
[Will I Am:]
I'm a be the upgraded new negro
I'm a be the average brother with soul
I'm a be world wide international
I'm a be in Reo rockin' Tokyo
I'm a be brilliant with my millions
Loanin' out a billion, I get back a trillion
I'm a be a brother, but my name ain’t Lemen
I'm a be your banker I'll be loading out semen
Honeys in debt, we be bouncin' them checks but
I don’t really mind when they bouncin' them checks
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a be I'm... I'm a be Rich baby
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm... I'm a be
So sick with the flow
When the goal is to rock the whole globe
I'm a be the future
I'm a be the whole... reason why you wanna come to a show
You can see what I’m rockin' and I’m pickin out a golden.
I'm a be up in the club
Doin' whatever I like
I'm a be poppin' that bubbly
Cool and livin' that good life
Oh let’s make this last forever
Party and we'll chill together
On and on and on-and-on-and...
On and on and on and on and...
I'm a be rockin' like this (What)
Ya'll niggas wanna talk shit (But)
Wantin' you put it on the blog, nigga
Rockin' like this my job, nigga
We can’t help that we popular
And all these folks want to flock to us
Come to a show and just rock with us
a Million plus with binoculars.
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be livin' that good life
I'm a be livin' that good good
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be livin' that good life
I'm a be livin' that good good
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be livin' that good life
I'm a be livin' that good good
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be livin' that good life
I'm a be livin' that good good
I'm a be….
I'm a be
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be.
[APL:]
I'm a... I'm a... I'm a be, rockin' that APL DE AP infinate
BEP we definite
We on some next level shit
Futuristic musically
Mind will fold with energy
For the soul new-sonicly
Sending positivity
Crossed the globe, and 7 seas
Taker of our family
Rockin' show spectin' cheese
I'm a be out with my peas
Livin' life, feelin' free
That’s how it’s supposed to be
Come join my festivities
Celebrate like I'm a be...
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be.
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be be be be I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be be be be I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be be be be I'm a I'm a be.
[Fergie:]
I'm a be on the next level
I'm a be rockin' over that bass treble
I'm a be chillin' with my muthafuckin' crew
I'm a be makin' all them deals you wanna do
I'm a be up in that maylist flicks
Doin' 100 flips, and I'm a be
Sippin' on drinks cause
I'm a be shakin' my hips
You gon' be lickin' your lips
I'm a be takin' them pics
Lookin' all fly and shit
I'm a be the flyest chick, so fly
I'm a be spreadin' my wings
I'm a be doin' my thing (do it do it)
Okay.
I'm a I'm a swing it this way, (I'm a I'm a s...) I'm a I'm a swing it that way
This is Fergie-Ferg, and I'm a (I'm a) be here to stay
The 21st century till infinitay
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be.
Rich baby quick quick I'm a I'm a I'm a be
The shit baby check me out be
I'm a be, I'm a be
On top, never stop (be be)
I'm a I'm a be I'm a be be be be I'm a I'm a be
I'm a be, fuckin' her
I'm a I'm a I'm a be I'm a be be be I'm a I'm a be.
[Will I Am:]
I'm a be the upgraded new negro
I'm a be the average brother with soul
I'm a be world wide international
I'm a be in Reo rockin' Tokyo
I'm a be brilliant with my millions
Loanin' out a billion, I get back a trillion
I'm a be a brother, but my name ain’t Lemen
I'm a be your banker I'll be loading out semen
Honeys in debt, we be bouncin' them checks but
I don’t really mind when they bouncin' them checks
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a be I'm... I'm a be Rich baby
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm... I'm a be
So sick with the flow
When the goal is to rock the whole globe
I'm a be the future
I'm a be the whole... reason why you wanna come to a show
You can see what I’m rockin' and I’m pickin out a golden.
I'm a be up in the club
Doin' whatever I like
I'm a be poppin' that bubbly
Cool and livin' that good life
Oh let’s make this last forever
Party and we'll chill together
On and on and on-and-on-and...
On and on and on and on and...
I'm a be rockin' like this (What)
Ya'll niggas wanna talk shit (But)
Wantin' you put it on the blog, nigga
Rockin' like this my job, nigga
We can’t help that we popular
And all these folks want to flock to us
Come to a show and just rock with us
a Million plus with binoculars.
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be livin' that good life
I'm a be livin' that good good
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be livin' that good life
I'm a be livin' that good good
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be livin' that good life
I'm a be livin' that good good
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be livin' that good life
I'm a be livin' that good good
I'm a be….
I'm a be
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be.
[APL:]
I'm a... I'm a... I'm a be, rockin' that APL DE AP infinate
BEP we definite
We on some next level shit
Futuristic musically
Mind will fold with energy
For the soul new-sonicly
Sending positivity
Crossed the globe, and 7 seas
Taker of our family
Rockin' show spectin' cheese
I'm a be out with my peas
Livin' life, feelin' free
That’s how it’s supposed to be
Come join my festivities
Celebrate like I'm a be...
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be
I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be, I'm a be.
day fifty three.
i feel really weird right now. elly has to go to bay youth. so this will be my elly for the time being.
i like to joke about things. joking is fine. but i feel like it got serious for too long. like. i was a child or an object and they were trying to figure out what i am. i just felt uncomfortable. and weirdly sad afterwards. crying..
but. that's not me. i'm the one who steps over boundries and is open about everything to anyone. awkward means nothing to me. i don't care. i usually don't care. why do i care now? why is this so weird? why is this bothering me? UHGUHGUHGU. i love hunty and dardar. but. weirdweridweirdiirid. that's the only word i can come up with.
maybe it's all the stress from concerto competition going away leaving me empty. i got all hyped up and nervous and stressed and afterwards it's like. now what?
or maybe it's because i always get tired around this time of day now and i just feel tired. not upset. just tired.
MAYBE I'M GOING CRAYCRAY.
that seems logical.
i really don't fucking care right now. i guess that convooo made me care less. i'll figure it out later.
i guess another thing is. i don't want this to diminish what i had with the other two guys. i'm really happy with elly. the happiest i've been with another person. but. i don't want to say i'm a lesbian and then the other two guys and all that time seem like it was just something stupid or i wasn't really like. a part of that. i was just confused and that was nothing.
because it wasn't.
i changed a lot after ryan. i changed a lot after caleb. i learned a lot about myself. and i suprisingly had good times with ryan. and good times with caleb.
it sounds like those are the only two people i've dated..
i guess semi-seriously. yeah.
serious dating makes me think of like.. adults and shit. so that's why i added the semi.
and i don't want to make some decision and then. i flip flop in another direction and i look like i have no idea and don't know what i want and all this bullshit.
i'll fucking wait.
who needs to know? no one.
who knew this was such a touchy subject with me.
askljdflk.
fuckityfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
i'm just going to study gov. put off my english make up shit. learn "ima be". and loaf around the house.
pray i don't fall asleep before i can talk to elly.
ughhh.
AND MY MOM IS MAKING HAMBURGER HELPER. FUCK YEAH.
tonight will be fine.
i just had to get that shit of my chest.
mmm shit on my chest.
hah.
i like to joke about things. joking is fine. but i feel like it got serious for too long. like. i was a child or an object and they were trying to figure out what i am. i just felt uncomfortable. and weirdly sad afterwards. crying..
but. that's not me. i'm the one who steps over boundries and is open about everything to anyone. awkward means nothing to me. i don't care. i usually don't care. why do i care now? why is this so weird? why is this bothering me? UHGUHGUHGU. i love hunty and dardar. but. weirdweridweirdiirid. that's the only word i can come up with.
maybe it's all the stress from concerto competition going away leaving me empty. i got all hyped up and nervous and stressed and afterwards it's like. now what?
or maybe it's because i always get tired around this time of day now and i just feel tired. not upset. just tired.
MAYBE I'M GOING CRAYCRAY.
that seems logical.
i really don't fucking care right now. i guess that convooo made me care less. i'll figure it out later.
i guess another thing is. i don't want this to diminish what i had with the other two guys. i'm really happy with elly. the happiest i've been with another person. but. i don't want to say i'm a lesbian and then the other two guys and all that time seem like it was just something stupid or i wasn't really like. a part of that. i was just confused and that was nothing.
because it wasn't.
i changed a lot after ryan. i changed a lot after caleb. i learned a lot about myself. and i suprisingly had good times with ryan. and good times with caleb.
it sounds like those are the only two people i've dated..
i guess semi-seriously. yeah.
serious dating makes me think of like.. adults and shit. so that's why i added the semi.
and i don't want to make some decision and then. i flip flop in another direction and i look like i have no idea and don't know what i want and all this bullshit.
i'll fucking wait.
who needs to know? no one.
who knew this was such a touchy subject with me.
askljdflk.
fuckityfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
i'm just going to study gov. put off my english make up shit. learn "ima be". and loaf around the house.
pray i don't fall asleep before i can talk to elly.
ughhh.
AND MY MOM IS MAKING HAMBURGER HELPER. FUCK YEAH.
tonight will be fine.
i just had to get that shit of my chest.
mmm shit on my chest.
hah.
D53
hello friends.
today i'm competing in the concerto competition.
i tried last year too.
i kind of have a better chance this year.
kind of not.
i don't think i've improved. which is sad. but we'll see.
i might cry afterwards. i might not.
i am 99% sure i won't win.
i love the gyno. not love. but. it's pleasant. everyone is so nice there. like the therapist. that is less pleasant but. i just like it when people are nice and care about me. doesn't everyone? yeah.. the other doctors just seem like they want you in and out as fast as possible. or have you wait forever. blehhh. i just like nice people. FUCK. speaking of people. i have to figure out my appreciations. like. a good way to say it.
people.
the things people do.
ajs;ldkfjsd.
fuckit.
i really love alaska. she's the cutest thing in the world.
today i'm competing in the concerto competition.
i tried last year too.
i kind of have a better chance this year.
kind of not.
i don't think i've improved. which is sad. but we'll see.
i might cry afterwards. i might not.
i am 99% sure i won't win.
i love the gyno. not love. but. it's pleasant. everyone is so nice there. like the therapist. that is less pleasant but. i just like it when people are nice and care about me. doesn't everyone? yeah.. the other doctors just seem like they want you in and out as fast as possible. or have you wait forever. blehhh. i just like nice people. FUCK. speaking of people. i have to figure out my appreciations. like. a good way to say it.
people.
the things people do.
ajs;ldkfjsd.
fuckit.
i really love alaska. she's the cutest thing in the world.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
day fifty one?
blahablahahlhabala.
just got off the phone with caleb. it was. what i would think a phone call with him would be. a little small talkish. weird moment of tension and anger and arguementish. resolution. laughing. talking. end.
so.. yay? i always feel like. ? after phone calls. i'm not mad but. like. just confused. confusing.
friday/today was cool. i'm so fucking tired. ALL THE TIME BABY. I'M HARRIET FUCKING TUBMAN. NARCOLEPTIC AS A BITCH. soo. yeah. pearl is my best friend. that is known. i love just talking to her. elly and caleb and poops were like WHATCHAGON DO WITH PEARL?! i would joke and be like GET SOME HOOKERS KILL THEM AND BURY THE BODIES.
well i didn't say that to anyone. and that's a crude joke. but!
i love just chillin' with pearl. i like how we can do that it's not like. LET'S DO SOMETHING NOWWWWWWWW. ugh. constantly having to entertain someone.
then again.
i'm like that with most of my friends. we usually don't do anything hahaha. just like hang around. is that bad? i don't think so. we're too intellectualishful for that shit.
vcu audition.
8:00 arrival. registration. receiving the magical tshirt of hope and love.
8:08 theory test ass kicking. ass being the test. kicking being done by me.
8:12 rendezvous with pearl by snacks.
8:947 pearl peaced out. i hung out with gabs.
9:00 music director talks about vcu. people ask stupid questions. he gives vague answers.
10:00 adventure to library. boringgg. with lauren, andrew k, and gabby.
10:30 campus tour. shoot me in the face. me and gabby did the time warp dance by the end of it. the beginning of us losing our minds.
12:10 called for warm up.
1:00ish audition with myssk and klein in a giant bathroom acoustics setting shit. my cello like vibrated their spines.
1:13 sent to tiny concrete wall hallway with gabby, lauren, and andrew wk. made friends. went more crazy.
1:45 piano test.
1:45.07 failed piano test
2:12 aural skills test
3:00 gabby leaves, andrew leaves, lauren leaves. i finally go to my interview.
3:30 KILL INTERVIEWER WITH AWESOME SHIT SEEPING FROM THE HOLE BETWEEN MY LIPS. YAYYY BEST PART OF THE DAY.
3:32 five guys!
6:00iishhsi get home. wake up. stuff. blah.
so yay.
i love vcu. i want to go. love love love. i love the students. i love the potential students. faculty. shit.
i wish dana was there.
my mouth hurts so bad. i'm slurring my words.
the peak of my crazy day.
;aksdasldfjkjk
sleep. now. elly. now. as;jdlk.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
day forty nine.
need to call elly. list form kind of day..
- oceanography is a fucking joke. more than usual today.
- reading the paper is usually always rewarding.
- practicing is getting better. thankyathankyaelly.
- quintet. YIKES. wake up call? maybe that's what you needed to get your act together. will you practice now?
- da camera. finally II sounds good. it was actually really good today. i hate when people won't admit shit. I HEARD YOU HUM. JUST ADMIT IT AND STOP IT.
- i like talking to gabby. i just do. okay? we can go to vcu and caleb can calm the fuck down. JEFF SUPPORTS US.
- eric is a nice poop.
- talking to haleigh sometimes is really really funny. i almost peed.
- fischer can suck the ol' dick.
- i love elly's smell.
- more to say later. must talk to ellybelly!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
day forty eight.
so. uh. gov. i took a test that was suppose to determine if i'm ready for college and a job. it was a ninety minute test where everyone got a different "task". kind of like an issue we had to solve.
mine was that. males at statesville university have abnormal sperm. factors that could be he culprit were: heavy drinking, BrainBoost (a memory enhancing drug), fraternity membership, or close proximity to power lines.
i bullshited for about thirty minutes. then we all had to take another test that reminded me of the ODC and kemps landing test. a lot of. what doesn't belong? what comes next in this sequence of numbers? joe is 34 and mary is 4 years younger, i live in the subway and have a black beard full of squirell feces, therefore, joe is having premarital sex with mary. right?
uhhh.
IDON'T KNOW. i didn't finish in time. because i suck at math. sucksucksuck.
then english we did the same thing we always do because our teacher is never there. i still haven't gotten my makeup work from there. fuck thatttt.
study block the band director pointed out all the inappropro stickers on my case and told me to take them off or i can't store ze cello in there anymore. and he was going to call my mom. so! he did. and i said whatever.
bus rideee. lame. elly has her phone! yaaaay!
first hour. normal. i asked teply sibelius analyzing questions. i asked katie similar questions about bowing shits. i got a sightsinging thing stuck in my head. fi so fi so fa mi re do fa fa ri mi something.. second hour i asked jeff sibelius stuff katie wasn't sure of. hunty and raerae did senior shit. BY THE WAY. i need to think of those things. fuck.
caleb played really well. jerjer too. andrew's peice was awesome. i don't like him too much to say he did a good job. i'm an asshole.
orchestra i got beauty in the beast stuck in my head somehow. austin is an unsatisfying stand partner. DIANA LI COME BACK. anddd. yeah! went home..
CAUSE I HAVE PIMPLES ELLY?
i like that girl.
i just covered my cello stickers with paper that says CENSORED. lame? but i don't feel like i've compromised my beliefs. hahaha. that's too intense. i don't have strong censorship beliefs. it just pisses me off hahah. CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. fuck that. plus! i like the word fuck. and. i think more things should be made of hemp. i'm not the best enviromentalist. but. that'll help! less synthetic shit. more hemp. it'll be cheaper once everyone buys and sells it.
i love hunter's poop texts.
i love elly's mix. i am listening to it again now.
what do i appreciate..
my friends. my teachers. my parents. school activities like gsa, literature, activists, passionate people, kind people that do kind things for no reason, strangers who talk to me, music and people who make it and play it, minorities, the underdog, fearless people, people, people who against the grain, people in history who fought for the things we take for granted today, people who put their life on the line, extraordinary people, people who open the door for me, people who respond to hi, how are you?, people who actually give a shit, people who try, people who put in the extra effort, romantics, optimists, -ists, sylvia plath: her life and her work, people who do things for themselves and not just for others approval
people? would i be safer saying people? 95% of those were people. or i guess. qualities of people. which are given to people by their parents and teachers. or are they born with them? hmm.
THINGS TO PONDER.
i had dinner with my dad. i had to ask him for money :/ i hate that. i need to find a prom dress.
i need to buy my ticket.
i need to practice my concerto. fuck me. that's going to be bad. i'm not going to win.
god.
i really wanted to. but i'm confident i won't.
i want to go to vcu.
i hate that caleb will think i'm settling. i shouldn't care what he thinks. but i know he'll be thinking that i'm doing that. and that pisses me off. he's so condescending sometimes. jesus.
i like my mom.
i think i'd be happy at vcu.
i'm really afraid of not getting in.
mine was that. males at statesville university have abnormal sperm. factors that could be he culprit were: heavy drinking, BrainBoost (a memory enhancing drug), fraternity membership, or close proximity to power lines.
i bullshited for about thirty minutes. then we all had to take another test that reminded me of the ODC and kemps landing test. a lot of. what doesn't belong? what comes next in this sequence of numbers? joe is 34 and mary is 4 years younger, i live in the subway and have a black beard full of squirell feces, therefore, joe is having premarital sex with mary. right?
uhhh.
IDON'T KNOW. i didn't finish in time. because i suck at math. sucksucksuck.
then english we did the same thing we always do because our teacher is never there. i still haven't gotten my makeup work from there. fuck thatttt.
study block the band director pointed out all the inappropro stickers on my case and told me to take them off or i can't store ze cello in there anymore. and he was going to call my mom. so! he did. and i said whatever.
bus rideee. lame. elly has her phone! yaaaay!
first hour. normal. i asked teply sibelius analyzing questions. i asked katie similar questions about bowing shits. i got a sightsinging thing stuck in my head. fi so fi so fa mi re do fa fa ri mi something.. second hour i asked jeff sibelius stuff katie wasn't sure of. hunty and raerae did senior shit. BY THE WAY. i need to think of those things. fuck.
caleb played really well. jerjer too. andrew's peice was awesome. i don't like him too much to say he did a good job. i'm an asshole.
orchestra i got beauty in the beast stuck in my head somehow. austin is an unsatisfying stand partner. DIANA LI COME BACK. anddd. yeah! went home..
CAUSE I HAVE PIMPLES ELLY?
i like that girl.
i just covered my cello stickers with paper that says CENSORED. lame? but i don't feel like i've compromised my beliefs. hahaha. that's too intense. i don't have strong censorship beliefs. it just pisses me off hahah. CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. fuck that. plus! i like the word fuck. and. i think more things should be made of hemp. i'm not the best enviromentalist. but. that'll help! less synthetic shit. more hemp. it'll be cheaper once everyone buys and sells it.
i love hunter's poop texts.
i love elly's mix. i am listening to it again now.
what do i appreciate..
my friends. my teachers. my parents. school activities like gsa, literature, activists, passionate people, kind people that do kind things for no reason, strangers who talk to me, music and people who make it and play it, minorities, the underdog, fearless people, people, people who against the grain, people in history who fought for the things we take for granted today, people who put their life on the line, extraordinary people, people who open the door for me, people who respond to hi, how are you?, people who actually give a shit, people who try, people who put in the extra effort, romantics, optimists, -ists, sylvia plath: her life and her work, people who do things for themselves and not just for others approval
people? would i be safer saying people? 95% of those were people. or i guess. qualities of people. which are given to people by their parents and teachers. or are they born with them? hmm.
THINGS TO PONDER.
i had dinner with my dad. i had to ask him for money :/ i hate that. i need to find a prom dress.
i need to buy my ticket.
i need to practice my concerto. fuck me. that's going to be bad. i'm not going to win.
god.
i really wanted to. but i'm confident i won't.
i want to go to vcu.
i hate that caleb will think i'm settling. i shouldn't care what he thinks. but i know he'll be thinking that i'm doing that. and that pisses me off. he's so condescending sometimes. jesus.
i like my mom.
i think i'd be happy at vcu.
i'm really afraid of not getting in.
day forty nine.
okay. continued.
first hour. i had my lesson. we talked a lot as usual. i laughed things off to get through the crying urges (like the suburban teen heroin addicts and crack heads on the tyra show!) frifri said something nice though. she was like what do you want to do? i can ask you that because i know you're a practicer i don't have to be like OKAY LET ME HEAR THIS ETUDE and you have lessons with dionne so what would you like to show me today?
GAH. i felt kind of bad. because practicing has not been good. and i haven't had a lesson with dionne since.. A LOOOOONG TIME AGO. like.. months?
poop.
da camera. was kind of annoying. as usual. i can't see gabby when we stand up. and i feel disconnected from katie kind of. which is stupid. more connnected and disconnected in ways. i just don't like it.
eurythmics was cool. i like elly. i like clapping compliments. or complements. or complashdgfments.
bus ride home. kind of funny. i just get REALLY tired at the end of the day now. well. lately. when i got home i tried studying and stuff. but by 7ish 8ish. i was ready for bed. sooo. i think i'm not completely better.
elly called.. i was so excited to talk to her for the ten minutes her phone allows. butttt. i was tired beyond belief by ten or whenever she called. so i couldn't talk.. LAMEEEEEEEE. i'm sorry elz.
i'm looking forward to all state. not auditioning. sleeping :D
first hour. i had my lesson. we talked a lot as usual. i laughed things off to get through the crying urges (like the suburban teen heroin addicts and crack heads on the tyra show!) frifri said something nice though. she was like what do you want to do? i can ask you that because i know you're a practicer i don't have to be like OKAY LET ME HEAR THIS ETUDE and you have lessons with dionne so what would you like to show me today?
GAH. i felt kind of bad. because practicing has not been good. and i haven't had a lesson with dionne since.. A LOOOOONG TIME AGO. like.. months?
poop.
da camera. was kind of annoying. as usual. i can't see gabby when we stand up. and i feel disconnected from katie kind of. which is stupid. more connnected and disconnected in ways. i just don't like it.
eurythmics was cool. i like elly. i like clapping compliments. or complements. or complashdgfments.
bus ride home. kind of funny. i just get REALLY tired at the end of the day now. well. lately. when i got home i tried studying and stuff. but by 7ish 8ish. i was ready for bed. sooo. i think i'm not completely better.
elly called.. i was so excited to talk to her for the ten minutes her phone allows. butttt. i was tired beyond belief by ten or whenever she called. so i couldn't talk.. LAMEEEEEEEE. i'm sorry elz.
i'm looking forward to all state. not auditioning. sleeping :D
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
day forty eight.
"oh, hi ell-"
"LOOK AT MY ANKLE WEIGHTS."
thoughts on elly: i laugh so hard with her. when she writes things down i hear the way she would say it. i'm proud of her. i'm proud to be with her. i'm happy. i miss her stupidly. even though we've been seeing eachother everyday. it's not enough. i can't stop saying that. it's not enough.
thoughts on hunty: he is my best friend. he makes me laugh till i look gross. he reminds me that i'm a free bitch baby. he's honest. he's cute. he's witty :D
thoughts on my day: i felt like SHIT. this morning. like throw up shit. i ate sonic. i felt less shitty. mr. baumer is a FUCKING DICKHEAD. "hi, mr. baumer you're looking sexy today could i perhaps when you have the chance recieve my exciting make up work which i can't wait to finish and turn in at your convenience?"
"WELL NOT NOW. I'M DOING 23432 THINGS RIGHT NOW GAHHHFUCK YOU DIE CRAZY BITCH."
"eventually..?"
"..eventually"
god damn. i'm trying to be a good student.
study block was. whatever. i keep writing elly notes that i don't give to her. i might give them all to her tomorrow. practicing is. bad. i'm too restless and not focused. it's not. controlled practicing. i'm all over the fucking place.
my mom needs the ocmputer. to be continued!
"LOOK AT MY ANKLE WEIGHTS."
thoughts on elly: i laugh so hard with her. when she writes things down i hear the way she would say it. i'm proud of her. i'm proud to be with her. i'm happy. i miss her stupidly. even though we've been seeing eachother everyday. it's not enough. i can't stop saying that. it's not enough.
thoughts on hunty: he is my best friend. he makes me laugh till i look gross. he reminds me that i'm a free bitch baby. he's honest. he's cute. he's witty :D
thoughts on my day: i felt like SHIT. this morning. like throw up shit. i ate sonic. i felt less shitty. mr. baumer is a FUCKING DICKHEAD. "hi, mr. baumer you're looking sexy today could i perhaps when you have the chance recieve my exciting make up work which i can't wait to finish and turn in at your convenience?"
"WELL NOT NOW. I'M DOING 23432 THINGS RIGHT NOW GAHHHFUCK YOU DIE CRAZY BITCH."
"eventually..?"
"..eventually"
god damn. i'm trying to be a good student.
study block was. whatever. i keep writing elly notes that i don't give to her. i might give them all to her tomorrow. practicing is. bad. i'm too restless and not focused. it's not. controlled practicing. i'm all over the fucking place.
my mom needs the ocmputer. to be continued!
day forty eight.
what do you think of me?
I admire you in many ways. Most of all, I'm jealous of your explosion of friendly energy and how you can just walk up to a complete stranger and start conversing with like they are your best friend. I admire your enthusiasm for music. You are the epitome of the GSA attitude. You are a very talented cellist. I don't really understand you or what you've been through because we are not close but I do hope that you're happy now. You're one of those people I wish I could be as cool as and when I'm around you I try to be. I wonder how you came to use the word poop, because I've been a fan since forever haha. You have the best laugh EVER. And you make everything fun and funny. (Don't cut your hair it's too awesome.)
I admire you in many ways. Most of all, I'm jealous of your explosion of friendly energy and how you can just walk up to a complete stranger and start conversing with like they are your best friend. I admire your enthusiasm for music. You are the epitome of the GSA attitude. You are a very talented cellist. I don't really understand you or what you've been through because we are not close but I do hope that you're happy now. You're one of those people I wish I could be as cool as and when I'm around you I try to be. I wonder how you came to use the word poop, because I've been a fan since forever haha. You have the best laugh EVER. And you make everything fun and funny. (Don't cut your hair it's too awesome.)
Monday, February 15, 2010
day forty seven.
um. i feel better. cello is goin' down the toilet. and i have no desire to resurect it.
i want to shave my head. i think i'll be. less scared and braver. because. ihave to be brave just to get it done. I'LL BE SHAVING OFF ALL MY PROBLEMS.
not.
K.
i just feel like i hide behind my hair. shamana.
pearlyyy. i will accept nothing from my parents excpet ACOURSESAVUCANSPENDWEEKENDWITP.
YEAH I HAVE PIMPLES ELLY. ahahaha. weaaak.
dude, she is the fucking bomb.
i feel fat.
her valentines day present was amazing. amazinger than ihtought. gahhhh.
i'm scared of. losing all my friends. because. that comes easy to me. and i'm neglecty.
GAH. i'm aware of it. but i do nothing. i'm aware of my cello skills declining, and friends distancing kind ofish. but. i do nothing.
i suck.
end.
whoa. i was kind of in a good mood starting this.
mehhh.
i want to shave my head. i think i'll be. less scared and braver. because. ihave to be brave just to get it done. I'LL BE SHAVING OFF ALL MY PROBLEMS.
not.
K.
i just feel like i hide behind my hair. shamana.
pearlyyy. i will accept nothing from my parents excpet ACOURSESAVUCANSPENDWEEKENDWITP.
YEAH I HAVE PIMPLES ELLY. ahahaha. weaaak.
dude, she is the fucking bomb.
i feel fat.
her valentines day present was amazing. amazinger than ihtought. gahhhh.
i'm scared of. losing all my friends. because. that comes easy to me. and i'm neglecty.
GAH. i'm aware of it. but i do nothing. i'm aware of my cello skills declining, and friends distancing kind ofish. but. i do nothing.
i suck.
end.
whoa. i was kind of in a good mood starting this.
mehhh.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
daY FORTY SIX.
i am skypalapyin' with ellbear.
i did nothing today.
as usual.
SCHOOL TOMORROW AGAINST MY WILL.
i'm scared.
i did nothing today.
as usual.
SCHOOL TOMORROW AGAINST MY WILL.
i'm scared.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
GOD DAMN.
i fucking missed elly's call at eleven. i fucking wake up at one writhing in pain. moaning and groaning. calling for my mom. laying in bed while my mom throws out suggestions. fucking wanting to fucking die. while elly is online. why is she online. why do i get online like an hour after she's gone. why do i go on every website begging for her to notice that i'm on. WTF. i can't call it's fucking three in the morning. fuck my life. why does this happen. I. HATE THIS. HHA;SKDL DASJKLFDJASFKADFSJKLASDFJKLDASFJKDAFSJKADFJKLDASFJKDASFJKDASFJK;DFJSKDASFJKFASDJKL;DASFJKL;DAFJK;DASFJKDASFJKL;ASDFJKL;DASF
I'M SO FRUSTRATED. IT HURTS SO MUCH. I GET NOT FUCKING SLEEP. I WANT TO FCUKING DIE. I WANT TO FUCKING DIE. I WANT A FUCKING COMA I WANT TO BE FUCKING UNCONSCIOUS RIGHT NOW. ANYTHING. I'M IN THE WORST PAIN EVER. PROBABLY NOT OF MY LIFE SO FAR. BUT THAT HAS LASTED THE LONGEST FUCK YEAH. A;JLSKDFASJ;ASDJLASDJKLDASJKLFAJKDFLADJKLFADFJK
why. me. i know this i s cliche as shit but haven't i fucking suffered a fucking nough?! what the fuck.
most important things to me about missing opportunities to talk to elly before an appropriate time today.
1. i don't know if she can come over
2. i don't know what time
3. i don't know if she needs transportation when and how and god dammit.
4. she honestly makes me feel better. i swear to you. she makes me feel better. talking to her. yeah it still hruts sometimes but generally my mind is completely focused on her and her awesome voice and funniness jesus christ i need her right now. i need to savor her as long as i can today. as soon as she wakes up. as soon as you read this. please call me. i'll come get you i swear. please baby call me.
i hate it when you don't have your cell. i could be talking to you rightn ow instead of this stupid blog. god dammit. this hurts like fucking hell.
god dammit. why. me.
I. DON'T. UNDERSTAND.
there is no karma. no god. no fucking anything. fuck destiny. fuck fate.
i just want to cry. i just want to cry. i just want to talk to elly. no. i just want to cry to elly. i want her to hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay. i want her next to me. i want her. god. fuck.
this isn't right. fuck.
i'm fucking stuck in this chair. my back hurts so much. when i actualyl get comfortable i attempt to stay in that position as long as possible because if i make one fucking wrong move i can be in the wrost pain ever. so. stay like one way for a long time is killing my back. mom attempted worst back massage ever. A for effort.
serously. who else is going to rub my back at one in the morning?
i wan to be put under anesthesia. god damn.
maybe this is all the yeares of emotion pain incarnated into physical pain. that's what it fucking feels like. i wish i could elaborate more on the pain. that's for a secret blog though.
which i don't have.
we've been over this.
that's enough.
jesus.
don't get me wrong
because i love life.
life has a boyfriend.
bless my soul,
i'm out to destroy them.
Friday, February 12, 2010
day forty four.
WATCHING 2ND BARBRA STREISAND MOVIE OUT OF FOUR FROM MY BOX SET MY MOM GOT ME AT TARGET.
B is a literature professor at columbia in new york. Professor larkin is a math professor who has given up on love and sex and wants to approach a 12th century courting system of companionship without sex. He puts out a personal ad saying looks aren't important. B's sister, who's a bitch that stole B's boyfriend and ends up marrying him in the first few scenes and B isn't over him, answers his ad for her sister. He goes to her class and is giving this lecture:
and he goes on to say he agrees with everything he heard. which was only the first half where she's talking about which was arguing from the academic side of romance. and then he goes on into this whole rant about it and how he believes it and totally agrees with her. but. that wasn't her opinion. he only listened to the first part.
THAT'S HOW MY DAD IS.
i almost cried. because i felt how frustrated she was.
day forty four.
secret blog. secret blog.
should not bother me! yeah, it's a little bit of a bummer that. you are not telling me it. but yeah, then it wouldn't be a secret. then i think. we shouldn't keep secrets. then it's like well, isn't that healthy to keep secrets? do i have secrets? no. not that i wouldn't tell you. but i'd respect a diary. so why am i not okay with this? i should be. but meh. it's a little like. oh, so you don't trust me? but it's not that. just. a place for her to get her thoughts out without judgement or anyone reading or anything. which i just leave for my red hunting hat. but i'm really open to writing things on here because
1. the readers i know for sure who regularly read this that i know of.. maybe.. are pearl, hunter, and elly. possibly raeesah. once in a while. for a gig.
2. the people above. are my best friends. anddd. if they judge. it's for a good reason. orrrr they can suck it :D orrr. meh! i don't know!
3. i guess i just don't care? bad? good?
i just whine and complain. some people make separate blogs to whine and complain. but i flow in and out of happiness and complaining i couldn't comb through all the nonsense.
spit words.
click publish post.
feel half a shit better.
half a shit? what..
THIS IS NO WAY HATING ON YOU. i jus' fill lil' insecurz.
as usual.
i'll get over it. everyone should! right? right.
what else is going on? oh, right. PAINPAINAPINAPIANPAINIANAIPNIPANIANAIPNIPANIPANAIPNIPANAINIPANIPANAINAIPNAIPNAIPANIANIPNAPANIPNAINAINPAINAIANIPNAIPANAPINAPIANAPINAPINAPAINAPINAAPINAPIAN.
other than that.
alaska is playing with a fake feather from michaels from this pack of fake feathers i bought just so i could have a red one for my peter pan costume. and it's mother fucking cute as shit.
she'll like do a 540 degree vertical twirl in the air and fall on her back playing with it. it's like she's fascinated, angry with it, and pleasured by it all at the same time. then she just walks away from it. knowing when she's had enough and it's time to just move on. that's a sign of a true lady.
i wanna C L E. get it? elly. see. i'm gonna say that now. i wan CLE iWancle. like a monocle. those are bad ass. alright. so it shall be written, so it shall be done.
whoaa.
weird.
this is getting weird.
TOO MANY DAYZ IN THE HOUSE. since tuesday girl. tuesday. it is now friday. lots of hours.
or maybe it's the pain meds makin' me craycray.
OR MAYBE IT'S JUST REGULAR SAVANNAH CRAYCRAYNESS.
who knows. who cares. suck my deek.
i like when german women say W's as V's.
i like how they say.. anything.
they cool. they cool.
ENOUGH ABOUT GERMAN WOMEN, HOW'S YOUR ERECTION HUNTER?
..i gotta go.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
day fort three.
i'm just curious to see what kind of friends we'll be
sure we'll stay friends
but will it be like you and sam tanner? where every ONCE in a while you make a push and things just kind of fizzle back down
or like haleigh, where we both WANT to be close but we repel each other
day fort three.
a lot of people (not really. twoish okay?) have said that they feel disconnected from me or like they're losing me as a friend.
BAD.
i haven't noticed it. i've just. had a lot of shit to deal with. and right now. jesus. do not expect awesome friendship right now.
fuuuuuuck.
so.
i just don't want to follow my pattern. i'm not worried. but. maybe that's bad because. i usually don't notice until they're gone.
others are trying to get back. and i can tell. or trying to start something new. but. it's just. sadly. the last priority for me. still. ughhhh. once college is over. i have my health under control. my parents are divorced. school is back to being way easy. i can focus on my social life.
but uh.
sorry not now.
even now. it looks like i might not have a social life with one of my favorite people. sooooo. fuck me.
fuckity fuck.
um. yeah that's it.
day forty three.
i wanna be strong for you. and it's easy on the phone. i'm glad you don't have to see me in person. i look pretty bad. it's hard to walk. that's the most annoying part. i pretty much have to stick to a spot.
:/
pain.. painpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpain.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
day fourty one.
so. i have infections.
whenever i get blood taken or an IV put in the person fucks up or something.
she shoved the needle in. and after a while i stopped bleeding. she was like
uhh? you just.. stopped bleeding.
so i unclenched my fist and it all came bursting out. which is weird. or probably normal. SHE TOLD ME TO CLENCH.
then she did another tube of blood. then she accidently shoved it deeper and said
careful!
i.. didn't move it's your fault.
UGHH HATE NEEDLE PEOPLE. i'm not afraid of needles i just hate the people. they're never gentle or careful or.. intelligent.
when i went to the hospital one time it took three people and like six tries to get the IV in me. like four different places on my body too. they ended up sticking it in the side of my wrist.. not fun.
WHOA TANGENT. anyways..
things just kind of. got more scary. but that's alright! i guess.
just more specialists i have to go to. more doctors. more pills. yum.
VCU audition monday is going to be awesome..
oh and valentines day. that'll be fuckin' great too.
Monday, February 8, 2010
day fourty.
the big acomp. big fail. question is very interesting. i don't know if this is wrong to say but i'm kind of disappointed in some of the answers.. like. they just didn't put any thought into it.
i put a lot of thought into my formspring answers. usually. and if i don't i feel really weird afterwards and kind of want to reanswer hahah. I'M GETTING ATTACHED NOOO.
maybe hunter had the right idea. but he has succumbed to the seduction of formspring! so maybe. it's okay. whatever hunter thinks.. that's all that matters :D
uhh. today was poopy. but. good i went? kind of. i didn't do much good. the bus was good. good chat. i love that group of people. like a lot. i wish i could just be like I LOVE YOU GUYS. and they'd take me seriously. i dooo.
i finally got my cran!
i talked to pearl. and caleb. and elly. and hunter. and darrin. covered all my bases.
michaela is kind of hatin' on me sort ofish. hunty wins? meehhhh.
peeps piss me off.
i'm easily pissed when headachey and sick. sorry guyz. i snapped at david. it's not the first time at all. i almost did bus ride home too. hah.
SAVANNAHHHH. SAVANNAHHHASHHAHSHASHSVAANNASNSAHHASNSASNHANHSNHANHSNSAHSNHSNNSNNAHASNS!
..
sabsdhjflaksjdflksdjfds!!
...
jfl;aksjdflksjdflkjsdlJLkjlfjsdlkjflkajsdlfk!!!!!!!!!
...WHAT.
oh, sorry.
jesus fuck..
i did control F to see how many times i've said fuck on here. it said over 100. which i know. but i wanted to see an actual count. i wish i had like little monsters. like gaga and some crazed fan of me would probably count all the fucks. i wouldn't wish that kind of torture on anyone though. hah.
CAN'T WAIT TO TALK TO ELLY TONIGHT SHE'S THE ROMEO TO MY ROMEO. THE JULIET TO MY JULIET. THE.. HAMLET.
what.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
day thirty nine.
i think for your dreams you should relate it back to yourself. when i have confusing dreams and really analyze them. they start to make sense.
still feel sick. no school please.. you know when you have a fever and it's like you have a layer of sweat on you. SO GROSS. SO SICK.
"you know how you said you never met your previous relationship's friends and you thought it was because they were embarrassed of you, i just want you to know i'm not embarrassed of you. i want to show you off"
gahhh.
she's the best. it's not just the physical aspect. i could talk to her and attempt to watch movies and make food all day.. i love it. i laugh so fucking hard with her.
A NEW LEVEL OF OUR RELATIONSHIP!
day thirty nine.
WHOLE BODY HURTS. MY FACE IS SICK. HEAD HURTS. NOSE RUNNING. BODY SORE..
lame-o.
i guess it's a combination from last night. the place where my left leg attaches to my.. pelvis? that area hurts. it's like someone took my leg out of the socket and put it back in the wrong position.
i'm probably just going to poop around the house all day. i feel like shitttttttt. SICKSICKSICKSICKSICK.
i wish my mom would tell me what's going on. supposedly things are really bad right now.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
day thirty eight.
are you sure? by savannahgeorgia
im never sure about anything. but being with you has made me more sure of myself and everything. i am sure of this: im willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy. i will try with everything in me to make it work. you are worth it.
yesterday by thesumofusoh, okay :)
day thirty eight.
Are you still depressed? How did Sylvia Plath help you realize this in a way that you couldn't on your own or from others who know you personally?
mmmmmm. i don't want to answer that over fucking formspring. I WONDER WHO THIS IS.
seriously i have no idea.
Friday, February 5, 2010
day thirty seven.
fuck my life.
fuck college.
i can't go to penn state because of the weather. i hope i can reschedule. fuck fuck fuck.
i'll be down to two schools. one which is my dream school and a stretch..
not that i wouldn't be happy going to vcu. but. i just..
i thought i would have choices? is that.. too cocky? i'm just incredibly jealous of gabby. every time i talk to her she's got in to another school. i mean it's my fault for applying to stupid places. fucking mannes? yeah right.
i should have applied to ecu. and gmu. and syracuse. fuck.
i had to be all conservatory and stupid. fuckkkkkkkkkk.
i hope i even get into vcu. i hate college i hate this.
i want to just already. be. in. college.
why are my expectations so high of myself. and then i don't practice enough. why can't i be andrew. or katie. or gabby. or jeremy. anyone. i hate this. i hate. this.
is this karma? for not practicing enough? life is so hard.. once i get into college and have more time i feel like i can do so much and be so great. but it's just so hard right now. why doesn't anyone understand that? you're not suppose to say excuses or anything but seriously?! at least an explanation.. i wasn't suppose to write about anything depressing in my college essays. but that shaped the way i am today. i would be a totally different person if it wasn't for my stupid fucking depression.
am i still depressed? does it ever end? there is no clear cut ending. am i over it?
what the fuck.
if i could just have a few more minutes telling them my story. i don't expect bias because of my situation just a little understanding..
i could be as good as katie if my life was as easy as hers.
i could be as good if i focused. that's the bigger issue probably. i spend my time. fucking. gathering gsa kids to sing reggae to jeff. what the hell.
i should have practice this morning. and night.and fucking afternoon. fuck.
fuck everything.
does karma not exist? or am i not looking hard enough at what i did wrong to deserve all of this shit?
i'm going with number two.
.. where did this come from?
Thursday, February 4, 2010
day thirty six.
alaska knows when i've had a rough day. she has snuggled into my lap as i surf da net.
so i was watching the tyra show about transgender children while cutting out random pictures for jeff's present and eating ramen. then my mom says ready to go? and i completely forgot that she wanted to leave early so we could drop something off at tallwood before gsa. so i freak out and ask if i can shower. and she starts screaming at me and i say forget it forget it let's go. and she says no savannah go take a fucking shower. do it. i'm really mad right now you need to fucking take your fucking shower. yay.. so i do. throwing all my face wash and toothbrush into my bag to do later and just go as fast as i can. she slamming everything. screaming. throwing shit around. i seriously thought she was going to hurt me. then she seems to calm down in the car. and i talk about jeff's present. and she smiles. then as i'm brushing my hair in the car. i think about all the times my mom brushed my hair when it was really really long. and how she was so careful when i had giant knots in my hair. i remember the neighbors said my hair was like a rat's nest. but she was so kind and gentle why doing my hair. and i was thinking about the transgender kid's mothers how one of them was so upset from losing her little girl. and how my mom was so nice about letting me buy boy's shorts and boy's clothing for picture day. and let me basically do my thing. so i was about to tell her how i appreciate her and that she was a great mom bringing me up. and then she says wait are there busses today? and i sink down.
there aren't busses.
so she slams on the breaks. beats her fists on the steering wheel. yelling at me. saying all these horrible things. and i throw my head into my lap afraid. and she says you bring your fucking head up i can't deal with that shit right now. you fucking look at me right now. she goes to the gas station. then calms down and says i'm sorry i love you. i'm sorry if i scared you. i'm just afraid. me and your father have to go to court now. and i'm scared. i took it out on you. she gives me the keys and gas and tells me to just take the car. she asked if i was okay to drive. and by then i learned to just say yes to whatever she asked. so i said yes.
i embark. and i lose it. my body was contourted into this crazy position of anxiety. i wanted to be in a ball but i had to drive. i realize there are scissors in my bag from cutting up the pictures for jeff. i want to give them to my mom before she leaves for fear of what else i can use them for. but i don't want her to yell at me again. so i call elly so maybe i can have her talk me out of it. then i want to ram my car into someone or something to die. but i'm afraid of telling elly that. so i call pearl. and i forgot she never answers her phone. i'm driving all crazy. then she answers and i'm relieved but all i was thinking was how i ruined everything and i can't talk and she can't understand so i throw the phone somewhere. i've never been that. bad. while having to. actually do something.
i go to lakehouse. hoping i don't see jeff and ruin his birthday by like collapsing in front of him begigng for help. the lakehouse is empty. i brush my teeth and do my face and brush my hair. then mrs watters sees me.
"oh, savannah. you're not okay. it's written all over your face. will you talk to me about it? what's wrong?"
"i don't know.."
"you won't tell me? did you get something in the mail? college? dad? something at home?"
"no. no. no. i don't know."
"that's fine if you won't tell me. i'm here savannah. it hurts me when you hurt."
"i don't know why."
i listen to pearl's voicemail.
"you should come to vcu. i can take care of you"
i see elly.
she tells me the good news.
quintet was a duet. me and sam. we do the runs in the da camera music. she struggles. i felt kind of good.
da camera. i'm not focused at all. i'm fucking exhausted. i'm accenting things that are piano. fucking up bowings.
i called 20th century literature 'great composers' which it basically is but dorsey taught that last year. that was okay. i just wanted to go home. elly wanted to drive with me. and i thought that would be a good idea so it would be the last time i see her before penn state and i need someone to be with me when i drive..
it was quiet.
i got home.
my mom apologized more.
i'm just tired.
i had dinner with my dad. i think our relationship is getting better. i told him about the transgender kids. i can look him in the eye more now. that's good?
i want to go to bed. long ass day.
vcu looks better and better everyday.
day thirty five.
last night was so confusing for my heart.
1. pearl would be willing to live with me. CRAZYHAPPYFEELING.
2. elly. CRAZYSADFEELING.
my body was just. done.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
day thirty four.
my throat sucks.
i need to practice.
i'm tired.
hunty today! i missed that little rascal.
thoughts on yesterday:
homesickness gone.
sleeping was great. so were other things. i like driving you places. i like looking for flowers for you in the winter when there's snow everywhere. i like buying you fake and chocolate flowers.
you're the sweetest person. and i laugh so hard when you're around. about the stupidest things. and you probably just laugh because i'm laughing so hard about something so stupid.
"i. cannot. sleep. with. my. socks. on. you know that!"
i think the way you say things and the way it comes out in my head is way different haha. it's funnier in my head. jeez. i like you.
i always want to see you or talk to you or something with you. i hope i'm not being clingy hahaha. that would be bad. i've never had that problem. i'm usually.. the opposite. not enough. IDKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
day thirty three.
- What is your image of yourself?
- i kind of cringe and hope that people don't look at me as a dumb annoying person who just goes around talking and laughing way too loud. i know it's true. a lot of people view me like that. but i've made it my goal to find a way to still act like that but prove to them that i'm intelligent and fun to be around.
- i sound like i'm on a dating service.
- What elements, such as sexuality, play a role in this and how?
- the image of my self and sexuality. i've been told by some bitches that i give off lesbian vibes. then from others that i seem straight. the image of myself? i don't really want to be defined as either. let me explain that.. i don't want to walk in a room or meet someone and the first thing the remember or take away from seeing me is that "oh, yeah, that lesbian with the lip ring" or the other way around. i want to that nice girl with the lip ring or funny or something. something deeper than that i guess.
- Do you have a goal for what you'd like other people to perceive you as?
- i kind of mentioned it above. but the biggest thing. for the other GSA members and musical friends i have. is for them to see me as a good cellist. maybe even a better than average cellist. that is really important to me. i don't want my sexuality, my negative personality traits, my positive personality traits. anything to get in the way of that. i just want respect i guess. that's all. no one like bowing down to my cello godliness. just some respect as a cellist. and to some people i feel like they just see me as the court jester.
- What factors do you think play into other people's preconceived judgments of you and how?
- preconcieved judgments. my lip ring for sure. i hope i'm answering these to your liking hunty.. but when people first see me they see maybe i don't know. because clothingwise i don't think i really fit into a stereotype. i'm not a hipster, or like.. a skater? ahah emo? noo. preppy? not really. i have no idea. for that aspect. but most people just see my lip ring when they first meet me. i'm sure they don't think i'm so criminal because i usually have a dopey smile on and like. a tie dye shirt haha.
- How do you think other people see you?
- well, hunter said i looked intimidating. or something liek taht. or acted it. so hopefully not that. i think my over-the-topness scares like first years a little bit. but. i think "other people" view me as a happy, obnoxious, friendly, annoying, loud, girl with a lip ring who plays cello.
- Friends?
- depending on the level of friendship it changes to maybe. sad, loud, hopefully a good friend?, unreliable, girl with a lip ring who plays cello hahah.
- Acquaintances?
- i have a lot of these. at gsa and one at tallwood. tallwood thinks i'm smart i guess because we have classes together, gsa acquaintances: probably just straight up annoying.
- What are your views on fate?
- SO HARD. uhh. sometimes i think we're just specks of dust floating around. sometimes i think this was meant to happen. this is a sign that something good is going to happen. then i think why was this suppose to happen? there is no reason this is suppose to happen.. no one deserved this.
- maybe we're not suppose to know.
- what a copout. but yeah. that's what i think. i have no idea and i'm fine with it.
- Cameltoesphincter?
- MOOOOOOOSEEEEEEEE KNUUUUUCKLEEEEEEEEE!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)