GOD DAMN.

i fucking missed elly's call at eleven. i fucking wake up at one writhing in pain. moaning and groaning. calling for my mom. laying in bed while my mom throws out suggestions. fucking wanting to fucking die. while elly is online. why is she online. why do i get online like an hour after she's gone. why do i go on every website begging for her to notice that i'm on. WTF. i can't call it's fucking three in the morning. fuck my life. why does this happen. I. HATE THIS. HHA;SKDL DASJKLFDJASFKADFSJKLASDFJKLDASFJKDAFSJKADFJKLDASFJKDASFJKDASFJK;DFJSKDASFJKFASDJKL;DASFJKL;DAFJK;DASFJKDASFJKL;ASDFJKL;DASF

I'M SO FRUSTRATED. IT HURTS SO MUCH. I GET NOT FUCKING SLEEP. I WANT TO FCUKING DIE. I WANT TO FUCKING DIE. I WANT A FUCKING COMA I WANT TO BE FUCKING UNCONSCIOUS RIGHT NOW. ANYTHING. I'M IN THE WORST PAIN EVER. PROBABLY NOT OF MY LIFE SO FAR. BUT THAT HAS LASTED THE LONGEST FUCK YEAH. A;JLSKDFASJ;ASDJLASDJKLDASJKLFAJKDFLADJKLFADFJK

why. me. i know this i s cliche as shit but haven't i fucking suffered a fucking nough?! what the fuck.

most important things to me about missing opportunities to talk to elly before an appropriate time today.

1. i don't know if she can come over

2. i don't know what time

3. i don't know if she needs transportation when and how and god dammit.

4. she honestly makes me feel better. i swear to you. she makes me feel better. talking to her. yeah it still hruts sometimes but generally my mind is completely focused on her and her awesome voice and funniness jesus christ i need her right now. i need to savor her as long as i can today. as soon as she wakes up. as soon as you read this. please call me. i'll come get you i swear. please baby call me.

i hate it when you don't have your cell. i could be talking to you rightn ow instead of this stupid blog. god dammit. this hurts like fucking hell.

god dammit. why. me.

I. DON'T. UNDERSTAND.

there is no karma. no god. no fucking anything. fuck destiny. fuck fate.

i just want to cry. i just want to cry. i just want to talk to elly. no. i just want to cry to elly. i want her to hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay. i want her next to me. i want her. god. fuck.

this isn't right. fuck.

i'm fucking stuck in this chair. my back hurts so much. when i actualyl get comfortable i attempt to stay in that position as long as possible because if i make one fucking wrong move i can be in the wrost pain ever. so. stay like one way for a long time is killing my back. mom attempted worst back massage ever. A for effort.

serously. who else is going to rub my back at one in the morning?

i wan to be put under anesthesia. god damn.

maybe this is all the yeares of emotion pain incarnated into physical pain. that's what it fucking feels like. i wish i could elaborate more on the pain. that's for a secret blog though.

which i don't have.

we've been over this.

that's enough.

jesus.

don't get me wrong

because i love life.

life has a boyfriend.

bless my soul,

i'm out to destroy them.