day fifty three.

i feel really weird right now. elly has to go to bay youth. so this will be my elly for the time being.
i like to joke about things. joking is fine. but i feel like it got serious for too long. like. i was a child or an object and they were trying to figure out what i am. i just felt uncomfortable. and weirdly sad afterwards. crying..
but. that's not me. i'm the one who steps over boundries and is open about everything to anyone. awkward means nothing to me. i don't care. i usually don't care. why do i care now? why is this so weird? why is this bothering me? UHGUHGUHGU. i love hunty and dardar. but. weirdweridweirdiirid. that's the only word i can come up with.
maybe it's all the stress from concerto competition going away leaving me empty. i got all hyped up and nervous and stressed and afterwards it's like. now what?
or maybe it's because i always get tired around this time of day now and i just feel tired. not upset. just tired.
MAYBE I'M GOING CRAYCRAY.
that seems logical.

i really don't fucking care right now. i guess that convooo made me care less. i'll figure it out later.

i guess another thing is. i don't want this to diminish what i had with the other two guys. i'm really happy with elly. the happiest i've been with another person. but. i don't want to say i'm a lesbian and then the other two guys and all that time seem like it was just something stupid or i wasn't really like. a part of that. i was just confused and that was nothing.
because it wasn't.
i changed a lot after ryan. i changed a lot after caleb. i learned a lot about myself. and i suprisingly had good times with ryan. and good times with caleb.
it sounds like those are the only two people i've dated..
i guess semi-seriously. yeah.
serious dating makes me think of like.. adults and shit. so that's why i added the semi.

and i don't want to make some decision and then. i flip flop in another direction and i look like i have no idea and don't know what i want and all this bullshit.
i'll fucking wait.
who needs to know? no one.

who knew this was such a touchy subject with me.
askljdflk.



fuckityfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

i'm just going to study gov. put off my english make up shit. learn "ima be". and loaf around the house.
pray i don't fall asleep before i can talk to elly.
ughhh.
AND MY MOM IS MAKING HAMBURGER HELPER. FUCK YEAH.

tonight will be fine.
i just had to get that shit of my chest.
mmm shit on my chest.
hah.