day thirty seven.

fuck my life.

fuck college.

i can't go to penn state because of the weather. i hope i can reschedule. fuck fuck fuck.

i'll be down to two schools. one which is my dream school and a stretch..

not that i wouldn't be happy going to vcu. but. i just..

i thought i would have choices? is that.. too cocky? i'm just incredibly jealous of gabby. every time i talk to her she's got in to another school. i mean it's my fault for applying to stupid places. fucking mannes? yeah right.

i should have applied to ecu. and gmu. and syracuse. fuck.

i had to be all conservatory and stupid. fuckkkkkkkkkk.

i hope i even get into vcu. i hate college i hate this.

i want to just already. be. in. college.

why are my expectations so high of myself. and then i don't practice enough. why can't i be andrew. or katie. or gabby. or jeremy. anyone. i hate this. i hate. this.

is this karma? for not practicing enough? life is so hard.. once i get into college and have more time i feel like i can do so much and be so great. but it's just so hard right now. why doesn't anyone understand that? you're not suppose to say excuses or anything but seriously?! at least an explanation.. i wasn't suppose to write about anything depressing in my college essays. but that shaped the way i am today. i would be a totally different person if it wasn't for my stupid fucking depression.

am i still depressed? does it ever end? there is no clear cut ending. am i over it?

what the fuck.

if i could just have a few more minutes telling them my story. i don't expect bias because of my situation just a little understanding..

i could be as good as katie if my life was as easy as hers.

i could be as good if i focused. that's the bigger issue probably. i spend my time. fucking. gathering gsa kids to sing reggae to jeff. what the hell.

i should have practice this morning. and night.and fucking afternoon. fuck.

fuck everything.

does karma not exist? or am i not looking hard enough at what i did wrong to deserve all of this shit?

i'm going with number two.

.. where did this come from?