pearl JUST finished joking people like this.

hey i like catcher too. but i just think it's hilarious that she jussssssssssssst said something.

HUNTER MAYTON.

WTF.

hunter's blog is my blog. su blog es mi blog.

So yeah. I feel a tad bit disconnected from music right now which is really weird. I'm still listening to it like nonstop but I feel no tendancy to write facebook statuses about FUCK THIS PARAGRAPH.

LOLLLLLLL.

I guess I can just accept that my talent comes and goes. I BET IT'S BECAUSE PEARL'S NOT IN VIRGINIA BEACH FFFFFFFF.

YESSS PREACHHH!

I care too much.

feelthesamewaysometimesssss. a lot of times.

OH MY GOD FAVVVVVV:

"I'd take him back in a heartbeat.

OH WELL NOT HAPPENING OH LOOK A FLOWER."

BFF.

meagan asked me last night who my best friends were.

of course without hesitation i said elly.

then i was like. wait. pearl. hunter. and.

that's it. hahaha. i don't know i always knew that me pearl and hunter were like a group and we all loved each other and hung out all the time and poop. but. it was just kind of a moment were i was like. wow my best friend circle is different.

before them. the major circle was like freshman year. gabby p, jeremy w, and caleb p, and katie s.

before them it was like. ryan.

before him it was middle school shits. cindy, monica, nikki, and meagan butler.

IT'S JUST WEIRD OKAY? a moment of realization.

i really only talk to hunter and pearl and elly. they are the people that i care about the most. i would give them my arms or something if they needed 'em. strange.

i guess the weirdest part is that we're so new. i mean pearl and hunter were friends before me but it was exactly a year ago that it started. but, we have so many memories and i trust them so much and they are so. i admire them. i think the world of them. and fucking elly. i have known her less than pearl and hunter. hahaha.

when you look at it from a different point of view it seems odd. but hopefully.. it makes sense to us.

i've just never had friends like those three. they make me think. they help me. talk about things other people wouldn't talk about. things that interest me and make me laugh.

i mean that's what friends are. and i may be biased. but i don't think anyone has a relationship like the relationships i share between hunter, pearl, and elly.

BUMMER.

i feel stupid.

"SAVANNAH YOU'RE NOT STUPID"

i know. thanks. but i feel like it right now.

so glad those peter pan pictures resurfaced.

they seriously make me laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME. so. now when i visit hunter's blog (which is usually every .20385 seconds) i'll laugh. every time pearl does something on facebook. laugh.

tallwood's grad. uhh. tiring. MAYBE IT WAS LIKE ALL THE EMOTIONS OF SUCK COMING BACK TO ME AS I SAW EACH ASSHOLE CROSS THE STAGE.

or maybe because there were like five hundred of them and it took a long time.

elly had a secret blog for a while. there is a giant shift in her writing from the point of "this is a secret no one will read this" to "i'm going to let savannah read this eventually" kind of a bummer. but it was so nice she let me see it. she's so nice.

pimples are annoying.

party i was in a weird mood. but that's okay! i'm pretty sure hunter had a good time. parties are interesting. people are different. i'm different. really different.

i wish people didn't label me and hunter as obnoxious together. yeah, we can be. but we can also talk on a normal volume level about things not anus involved. i like talking to hunter. he thinks differently from me. i love that. like jeff. he thinks differently from me and hunter. and pearl is different from all of them. elly too. i mean, we agree on a lot of things but sometimes we come to that conclusion 20358 different ways. well i guess four different ways. i don't know what i'm saying.

i want to be more like jeff. not because jeff is jesus just like everyone else thinks. i don't know. jeff is. gah, when i think of jeff related to students. i think of his "favorites". like katie and gabby. fucking like. talk about him all the time. like a school girl crush. they say they don't have a crush on him and that was like freshman year. but they act like it. caleb and andrew need his approval to survive. i try not to be like that. maybe i really am like that. i just want to be more like him in the sense of. thinking things through more. and being kind to others. i just consider him as a friend. i want to be like all my friends. i think if i could pool certain characteristics of all my friends. i could be like the perfect human ahah. well my idea of the perfect human. anyways.

i'm going to start writing letters to jeff. and thank you cards to people who deserve it.

i want to cut my hair. it's annoying.

i want lessons again.

i feel really unattractive lately.

bloggy.

yesterday was really go go go. ya know?

woke up. took my mom to work. went to elly's ready to take her to like a coffee shop so i could write a thank you note to jeff and haleigh's yearbook and eat breakfast with her. chilled in starbucks for a while. laid down in my mom's car with the windows down. went to therapy.

therapy has been good lately. well. actually. something more than good. maybe spectacular. or maybe a better word is possibly unnecessary? when i first started therapy. it was once a week. sometimes going in for emergencies after hours. psychiatrist. neurologist. -ists surrounding me. now i'm not on drugs. not harming myself. going to therapy every two weeks. and laughing and talking with my therapist and not even crying when i talk about events where i did cry. it feels good. i felt like i was "cured". which is so stupid. i don't think you can be cured of anything besides like cancer or the flu or something. but that thought just kept going through my head. i feel rehabilitated. cured. fixed.

BUT.

i have stopped going to therapy and it ended up not turning out okay. and this time of my life is kind of.. insane right now. separation. getting prepared for loss. i think it might be okay to stay with it. i mean. it's covered. and my dad can handle the expense.

i just feel stronger. like i know i'm not cured i've said that already but i feel like i have a stronger wall around me. and even if my wall comes crumbling down. i have faster workers to build it back up again stronger than it was before. (SO CHEESY OF A METAPHOR, but go with me for a little longer) before it was like. i either had no wall and was completely vunerable to anything. or people would keep like assaulting my wall and it would be destroyed and i would build it back up timidly and it would be paper thin and ready to be torn down again in seconds.

gah, so lame. but i'm just trying to explain the feelings that were rushing through me at eleven o clock yesterday.

then me and elly went back to the apartment and ate and watched tv and stuff. i did laundry. took her home. went grocery shopping for my mom. filled up the gas tank. picked her up from work. got dressed and drove to jeff's for dinner. i had a little fear it would be awkward with caleb. but whenever i'm thrown into this situation. i follow his lead. and last time at sam's party it was complete ignoring. this time it was pleasant. and even joking with eachother. (MEHHHH. SO CONFUSING) i'm sure it was just to avoid me and elly together at the party and last night it was easier because i was alone. but. whatever. point is. that was not a big point.

jeff's apartment: totally would you would imagine. modern. cool. plants. things that have long stories displayed. assortment of cheeses and crackers. trader joe's everything.

guests: andrew k, danielle, gabby p, katie, me, karl, jeremy, caleb, olivia sturgz (who is amazing by the way)

andrew k brought this board game called therapy (LOL@IRONY) and it was pretty funny. but it got tedious after a while. then we shifted to taboo and it was hilarious. the girls team was in the lead most of the game and at the end we tied. (adorable yes?) [i shoved the score card in my pocket for memory's sake because i'm a complete loser dorkface] {i don't think anyone noticed} \hopefully\ anyways.

andrew kept yelling the randomest things before anyone said clues. which was A) annoying. and not helpful at all but more importantly B. HILARIOUSSSSSS.

"VASECTOMY"

"SPERM. SPERM UHH. SPERM. SPERM SHARK!?"

"this is a country.."

"QUEBEC!"

so many others.

and olivia was trying to get us to say 'multivitamins' and it went something like this:

"okay, flinstones. chewy. things. you take them."

"VITAMINS."

"yes! but. there are SO. MANY." hahahahaha. i guess it's a had to be there thing. her inflection was amazing. she is so hilarious. and loves musicals. i hope we become insane friends over the summer. i doubt it. i mean.

so yeah! then we talked about gsa. and i left around 11:45 because i was afraid of falling asleep while driving and i was going to talk to elly on the drive home but she was really tired and had an exam this morning so. shmeh. it wasn't so bad until i got to the 64 and then i was kind of not completely focused. BUT I MADE IT.

i like staying out late.

but i get really tired early.

and that's it!

more of a bloggy mood.

i need to start practicing cello again. hardcore. i think i'll start that today. i'm kind of lost on what to work on though. ihaven't had lessons at all this year. so. i don't know. i guess i'll just start putting back together the stuff i stopped working on like saint saens and bach. those should always be ready ya know?

i have to clean my room too. the fact that there are so many things on the floor scares me. at night i see all these scary shapes and stuff and i feel like there are people in there staring at me as i sleep. gah. need to clean. for my own nighttime safety. plus it's gross. and alaska has peed in random areas of my room. so i need to discover those. and wash those clothes. it's not like there are puddles of urine festering in my room. she has just like.. peed on some papers or a tshirt and i need to figure out which is which. peed or not peed. YEAH IT'S GROSS OKAY. THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. SMELLING EVERYTHING IN MY ROOM FOR CAT WASTE.

mehh..

i miss pearl. NOT LIKE I DON'T SAY THAT EVERY BLOG. it's like the token black guy. "i miss pearl" is my token black guy of my blog.

hunter and tyra today. tyra and hunter. i don't like friends coming over my house/apartment. because i suck at entertaining people. plus there's nothing really around either. and yeah. just. suckage. plus my room is peefilled.. GAH SO MANY PROBLEMS. but it's tyra. so. there is a special purpose.

i applied for a job that my dad talked to the boss about. and he replied saying OH MY GOD YOUR GRAMMAR SUCKS FIX IT. so.. i did. angrily.

former roommate: i can' believe i'm like. really mad at someone from berklee and i haven't even gone there yet. hahah. i mean. really. she told me i was going to have the place. she should have said to the original girl that it is taken by savannah flores an awesome virginian cellist go find somewhere else. i mean. that's fair. she promised it to me. now i have to scramble. i felt like i was so ahead of the game and everything having a place already. now. i'm back to having to scramble to get shit done. this whole college shit has been like that. my fault. oh well.

i mean i can kind of understand why she did it. the only way i can is the following scenario: i ask pearl to room with me. she can't. i ask person X to room with me she can. pearl says she can room with me again. person X is fucked.

BUT EVEN THEN. i would feel horrible for this unnamed female. and i probably still wouldn't do it. UGHUGHUHGUHGUHGU whatever.

i wish i could shave heads for hunter. i feel like i'd hurt him. but. yeah. gah, so stupid he can't.

today i'm probably going to cry. i have had a crying streak lately. so. today it's bound to happen. i don't even feel like TODAY I WON'T CRY. because. i don't know. giving in? yes. not quitting. just letting shit happen.

i'm really content with my body. usually summer rolls around and i'm like EWW FLAB MUST WORK OUT AND EAT HEALTHY. of course i don't. but right now. i just. i mean. it's okay. i'm probably better than average. i mean. i don't know. it's not even like. "well, there are probably people who look worse in a bikini than me" i just. i'm happy with myself. yay?

another thing to go along with that point. with all the cards and stuff from pwatt and jeff. and elly and eric. and yearbook stuff. i feel really good about my insides too. hahah. like. people really like me. and care about me. and are bummed that i'm leaving. and they learned from me. that's just mind blowing. people learned from me. haha. sometimes i just feel like the freak who either is in a crazy amazing funny poor decision making psycho savannah or the sulking cutting crying moaning groaning quiet sad savannah. and the fact that i feel like there is no middle makes me feel worse.

but people learned from me. and love me.

i don't know. it's a confidence boost. and i'm going to try to remember that when i feel poopy.

i talked to haleigh. we hung out this one night. we went to the golf course and laid down on one of the hills. she told me how bad she felt about "dumping" me so often. and how she did it for her spirituality or whatever. but she still probably shouldn't have dealt with me that way. and blah. and i was like. i just don't want to befriend you again and the same shit happen and me get left. and she kind of said ..i might do it again. not in those words. but i felt like she didn't want to commit to saying that she will never drop me again. oh well. i miss her. she's nicer now. her voice is kinder. it's weird how the two go hand in hand. it's like gentle now. ANWAYW;UASYS.

me and elly are goin' strong.

my mom has a job :)

dionne gave me money for college!

i'm going to watch tv now!

oh hay.

a few key points.

• i'm gonna try and get back into this.
• grad was crazy.
• the most important people in my life said the nicest things i've ever heard ever. they showed how much the care about me and oh my god. they do. they care so much. they love me. mrs watters and jeff love me.
• i cried reading the cards i got and that's it.
• i cried today because i was stressed.
• i cried today because of elly's mix cd
• i cried thursday because of caleb.
• oh crying..
• i am happy.
• elly makes me the happiest person in the world.
• i miss people.
• i'm so tired. always. tired tired.

the past few days have been weird.

PROS:

masterclass with alisa weilerstein. i kicked kind of ass. more ass than some.

she complimented my dress. and really wanted it.

she touched my lower back hahaha.

andrew said i did a good job.

dionne's proud of me. patty's proud of me.

i didn't cry in front of leon.

i got a B on my theory final.

i got a free drink from mrs. watters.

she told me: that she loved me, i'm a free spirit, she agrees leon singles me out, she doesn't like working for leon either, she agrees with me that he treats students like shit, i could never disappoint her, i'm a strong woman, i've been stronger this year than last year, people look up to me, i'm passionate, going to have a great career, call her even if it's not good news, my new haircut gives my hair so much body, she thinks that i've grown so much, i'm doing well this year.

the biggest thing was that she loved me. she said it. i love you savannah. i'm not sure if dionne has ever told me that.

CONS.

leon flipped shit that i didn't wear shoes.

mrs. watters had to reprimand me. and i cried really fucking hard all the way as we walked out of diehn, in front of katie and connor and someone else, and all the way back to lakehouse since we parked there. and while i talked to mrs. watters for half an hour.

elly wasn't there. i mean i wasn't bothered by it before. but after the fact. i really wish she was there. not so much as to comfort me, but to see me during the master class.

i love mrs. watters. and that school. lately it's been like. something really good will be happening. and then something will be like BOOM NO. NO HAPPINESS. STOP. I'M GOING TO THROW THIS ON YOUR PLATE. but yesterday was a good day. it was a good elly night too.

i ate chocolate frozen yogurt and chili cheese fries. mmmm.

life changed.

lgjhgfhkjgl

i love hunter’s music taste. i especially love when i know a song because hunter sings it all the time and when i finally hear the actual song i can only imagine him singing it.

i love boneless buffalo wings.
i love buying things.
i love not having acne around my mouth. unfortunately that is not happening right now.
i love shows like lost, the good wife, mercy, glee, how i met your mother, 30 rock, so you think you can dance, flashforward, etc..
i love this one song right now.
i love musicals.
i love my friends.
i think people with mental health issues like depression or anxiety or things like that are just more evolved. we’re using more of our brain to think. kind of in a negative way.. but more brain power! i think people that just go through the motions and sit in front of a tv all day and think walking at graduation is a big fucking deal are just using as little brain power as possible. people are different to adapt and the average die out and the different power on. you know what i mean? maybe i have this completely backwards. and the weaker beings are the ones who are kind of fucked up in the head and are going to die out and the assholes who don’t give a shit about anything are better. but. i don’t think so.
and that’s all i have to say.

ELLY:

"have fun with hunty and tell him it meant alot when he told amanda he cared about me. i havent stopped thiking about that….i just never expected him to do something like that for me. i like him. he’s good. he’s a keeper."

lol@me

i feel weak.

marriage.

sounds nice.

i've been such a bum lately. i just lay around and watch tv. meeehhh. things are suprisingly getting better though. i put a few minutes in to cello and i get better. i talk to caleb, hunter, and pearl regularly now. patty stuff is even better! and that was like. down to no communication for a while. for like this whole year..

i guess giving in is the route. giving in to crying gets it out. and then i move on. instead of stressing over keeping it in. or being better person by not crying.

things are getting better. i just keep thinking that. which helps.

the only good thing about waking up CONSTANTLY.

having a MYRIAD of dreams. so many peoople have been using myriad lately. it was on fucking glee. wtf.

anyways. dreams!

1. i went to new orleans on a gsa trip. madeline la rossa was there. her bra kept popping out of her dress. i was in the orchestra. gary spell did it. he had two other old guy friends who worked the show. OH. the sound guy steve! and uhhh. some other guy. and i found out they were complete assholes. so i was in a new orleans gift shop and i was trying to leave so my parents came and i accidently hit my mom like my elbow touched her shoulder accidently and she was lik OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MMMMMYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOD. and she starting crying like crazy and fell over the floor and was writhing in pain and then i found this giant room where the three guys were and i was like you guys are assholes. and i started like flying like peter pan. and i was like kicking over stuff on their desk. and they were being sarcastic and mean. and like all the doors around me were starting to close so i grabbed my stuff said fuck you and left with my dad.
2. then i was driving into a tunnel and i saw this girl was about to get raped and i backed up and was like OH MY GOD RAPE. and this other guy pulled out a baseball bat and started beating the shit out of the rapist. and i was like blehh.. the blood got all over me. and i freaked out and was running around and crying and then i had to pick up the bones that he left. and some were pulverized into the ground. and then the baseball bat guy started like a world wide thing were he kept tabs on interstates were rapist tried to rape girls and then he accidently caused a fire and he tried to put it out by touching his computer but he couldn't remember what state this weird city name was in. and then a guy tried to shoot the map and his shots were like transfered to the area where he shot it. it was weird.
3. then one of the previous assholes from the first dream was sitting on my couch and alaska was meowing at him really strangely. so i picked her up and brought her to me and he still tried to like pet her and stuff and she freaked out and i brought her closer and then he tried to tickle me and i went to go punch him and i woke up mid punch. it was weird. cause my arm was like in the punching motion and moving when i woke up.
4. it was graduation pictures of like all the seniors in alphabetical. and there was this girl there that i really liked and wanted to hold her hand. and i looked over at her other hand and it was cut off and bleeding and on a bag of ice and i like. didn't even care. and we missed the picture because we were just sitting on the baseball benches and i was laying on her lap.

WEIRD. WEIRD. WEIRD. I'M A WEIRDO.

i like dreaming though. even if it makes me really mad or covered in blood. or a cheater. well. not so much the last part. but yeah!

things are on the up.

when tallwood is better than gsa. it's weird. i got organized and ate pizza.

oh shit ihave to do english homework. anyways. uhhh. fuck. now i can't stop thinking about that. um.

today was just frustrating. i was in a good mood but everyone else wasn't and it wore on me and i just gave up and stayed home instead of going to the concert. a lot of other factors were in that but. that was a plus.. yeah so.

mehhhhhh.

but seriously things are on the up.

i am a virgin raping beast of a taco.

and don't nobody forget that.

kpax.

today i think i'm going to practice. and skate. and do nothing. and eat. i'll probably eat a lot.

my mouth tastes like. i don't even know. REALLY BAD.

sleeping has been really not fun lately. i wake up and toss and turn. ughhh.

i can't think of anything else to say.

i missed seven text messages last night and fell asleep on the phone with elly.

most of those seven were very important..

yay.

not.

ugh.

i'm not doing anything tonight..

PEARL?! PEARL!!?!?!?!!? PEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARL?

give in.

i cried for like a few minutes. so. things are on the up. i think.

i'm a really bad at talking lately. it happens when i'm anxious. instead of word vomit i get word constipation. i feel terrible because it happens extra with pearl and hunter. sometimes i just don't know what to say. because i feel so bad for not talking to them in the past and want to say a lot but then i feel like i have no idea what to say because it's been so long. they're the people i want to talk to the most and i say the least.

mr. chu needs to give me more money. i never thought i'd say 18,800 wasn't enough. but it ain't.

poop.

it'll be okay. things will be okay.

i'm okay.

"where's your other limb?"

"she stayed after school for chemistry sol tutoring"

awareness.

tears are just kind of coming out whenever they feel like now. and fits of rage! those happen too. but i'm giving in now. i'm just going through the day. i know how i want to be and act like and think but constantly working towards that goal drives me insane. so. i'm just going to be aware. and give in to my emotions instead of controlling them.

i'm going to watch stuff on the ted.

and learn we are hot dogs for elly on guitar. and sing it to her. and not be self conscious.

FUCK YEAH. hahahahaa. no.

descriptions.

sensitive to everything. observant.

"i went to montessori!"

"oh that makes sense"

"..why?"

"you're very independent. you don't need to ask people what to do all the time. you just do your own thing."

remember.

i'm in asuch a shitty mood.

i want to go outside. my mom won't let me skate around. i need my bike fixed. maybe hunter had the right idea. i should ride my bike more. i've lost six pounds. i don't know how. but i should probably turn the rest into muscle or something. biking would be.. nice. or skating. anything. i should probably be outside more.

say anything is nice. it's kind of making the sad turn into angry. i'm not sure if that's better or worse.

i understand why seniors get all the benefits and shit now. because. i really couldn't do a jury. or anything. i need all the breaks i can get. and i mean. we had to do college apps and scholarship shit and stuff. determining our futures in a few months. so.. i think we deserve it.

alaska knows when i'm not happy. she knows. i know she knows.

i wish i was better at guitar.

fuck amanda. she's just. god. a bitch.

i'm in bad mood. i'm just. i'll get over this.

i just lay in bed. wanting to go to sleep. and then i lay there and think myself into an anxious state and have to get out because i can't lay there still and i have nothing to do or i feel like i've already wasted time laying there. i just create stupid situations.

i haven't felt this bad in a long time.

i just. started crying.

she's fed up.

my mom's confused.

my dad's more confused and can't ask me how i feel.

elly helps. i know that i'm clinging to her. but. can that be okay? can everyone just be okay with that for a while? i can't. i can't even talk to hunter on the bus.. i can't talk to people without fucking up. calling them a douche. crying. so dumb.

i feel really awful. she's fed up. i. i give up. and it's okay. i have a month. everyone gave up months ago. i can give up. exams are over. i can give up. i know my music for the concert and the recital. i can give up. it's okay right? why can't that be okay?

i've been trying. to no avail. i try being happy. and conversing. and joking. then i start crying. and try to still laugh and joke. then it's even weirder.

i just give up.

the things people say. really stick with me. i don't always follow them or follow them the wrong way. but i always think of stupid things people say and replay them in my head. i'm being vague. but. whatever.

i'm going to lay down. or go on tumblr. hah. what an idiot. i'm so fucking stupid.

BAD. DREAMS.

this weekend.

has been so good. some bum parts. this is one of them. but i'll get over it. it's not even my problem. i feel bad. but. i guess she's right. i can't relate. and i just feel like.. i just want to talk to her. i'm selfish.

therapy tomorrow. thank fucking god. FIX ME DR. CAROL.

fam.

birthday graduation anything: http://danielleatethesandwich.net/page-store.html

yesterduh, was really good. i think the biggest part for both me and elly was interacting with her little cousins. they're nine and.. seven? six? uhh. i don't know! but. honestly, i was thinking about this today. i never talk to my relatives. i don't have siblings. my mom's friends children are either grown or my age. i have never played with little kids before. plus, due to all the other facts. i'm really awkward around them. i've never held a baby. i've never picked up a toddler. changed a diaper. NOTHING. i've never done anything ofdasort.

it was just cool. okay? jeez. hahah. and they liked me! sophie did. she said i was her best friend at the end hahah. i felt like this whole. future mom business wouldn't be so awful. maybe i don't hate kids as much as i thought i did.

SPEAKING OF MOMZ. today is the day of momz. dionne asks about her. pearl does. it's funny. i don't know. and cool. how they care about her. she is still in the thick of it. i think if a social worker came in and saw a day at our apartment they would slip us up. but it does work. i cry in the morning and either make it to school or stay home. if i do go to school my mom cries while i'm there. i mean. real screaming hours and hours of crying. then i come home. we watch tv and eat crappy food. and go to sleep. where she probably cries again. she searches for a job all day. barely leaves the house. except for therapy. but when i'm upset. she goes right into mom mode. it's awesome. even if she was crying to me the day before she takes such good care of me when i'm sad. because she knows how it feels. and she knows what to do. i mean it's different for everyone but by now she knows what bothers me and what helps. sometimes it's hard. sometimes i feel like i have to take care of her. and like it's not my job to do that. but in any relationship. whether it's friendship, romantic, or family. you take care of eachother. sometimes i over do it though. i don't know. i just. really appreciate her. because weekends with my dad i really see what i'm not appreciating back at the apartment. his influence with money is nice sometimes. but she. i don't know. she's different.

now while i type this. it is not like. breaking each line. it's just a really long continuous line of poop. so. hopefully it changes when it is posted. but if it's like this. i'm sorry... i don't know how to fix it.

i call her way too much.

need to chill. starting now.

self reliant? right? heh.. not.

i'm going to bed!

still not feelin' bloggy.

no more dorms at berkz. i knew that was going to happen. my dad gave me some hope buttt no. so. gotta find an apartment. maybe it'll end up being cheaper? who knows.

i'm just so tired and i've been.. slipping. maybe i'll clean? i just don't feel up to it.

it's stupid i got my hopes up.

blogging.

i have not been in a blogging mood. i am when i'm not at the computer. but once i sit down it's gone. i just want to write a short list of things that are important right now. i think in blogs sometimes. hunter has said that before. but now i know what he means.

so here's my dumb list.

1. my ap gov exam is tomorrow. i don't care. i am a shoe-in for a four or five. but. i'm not going to study or for that matter worry about it. i kind of am to make my teacher happy because he believes in me and thinks i'm a good student and he has this wall where he writes all the people who got a five and it's kind of a bigish deal. so that is some incentive but. besides that i don't care. english? hah. super not caring.
2. i am wearing another one of elly's shirts. fresh from her drawers. drawers is such a crazy word to type because it's all in the left hand. try it. try it. but yeah! i was pooping and it really hurt and smelled like.. poop. but! elly's aroma was all fresh and everything and taking over my nose and it still is but yeah. it's just. nice. and we talked on her bed. and i met her family. and i talked to jozy. and things are good. oh racist comments.. that was hilarious!
3. i sang like the whole godspell soundtrack to katie sinclair's voicemail.
4. i was bummed jeff didn't come. but it was a sold out show! and i forgot to write everyone thank you cards.. more bummedness.
5. concert tomorrow night! aquabats yo.
6. all i eat is italian food. and i love it.
7. i miss pearl. i can say that a hundred times but that won't fix anything. i don't know why it's so hard for me. hunter and her are great. i guess i could say i'm busy. but i've been busy and her friend before. i mean, i'm not not her friend. but.. she knows what i mean. ughhh. i'm sorry pearl. i'll be better.

pain.

i can't do surveys. it's like. really hard for me to complete. i'll get through 3/4ths of it and just stop haha.

i had a bad morning yesterday. i freaked out driving to samantha's house and got lost. i just really. don't understand how i got lost. i go there.. pretty often. or like. enought o know where it is! i was crying and shaking and my hands and arms were tingling and numb. it was so weird.

rehearsal was tense because i had to hold back from crying. i was shaking so bad. but we got a lot done. and i left right when we were done and went to elly's. which was amazing.

then godspell was pretty bad. but. gabby liked it and left at intermission.

blah. i'm not in a blogging mood.

i'm just tired.

scroyo.

i love you, hunter. all i can think about are thumbs now. and what that means. and looking at other peoples thumbs

this made me really happy. stupid right? but. just. those words. the fact that today before GSA hunter was looking at everyone's thumb who walked in the door. and marcus's thumb which was GIGANTIC. and now pearl is. and she's hours away. in a completely different place. caring about the same thing.

i don't know.

gives me hope for next year.

..not that i didn't have hope already.

i grind my teeth. it's weird i'm just talking about this now. but sometimes i'll realize i'm doing it and let go and it's like. weird. i don't know! i wake up grinding. grind. grind. grind.

dionne gave me her GSA hoodie. i'm wearing it now.

i'm worried about this stupid scholarship. i went to guidance and asked for the form not realizing it was due today. and she was like oh, give it to me monday! and i was like well fuck.. three recs? so. i asked dionne and jeff. and maybe i can get them before monday.. i just hate rushing people. it's not my fault though.. so. i don't know. it doesn't matter it still bothers me.

i say i don't know too much. i guess because i usually don't. but. i almost said it just now. caleb and i were arguing and he brought that up and i never noticed it. funny how you notice stupid things when someone mentions them and are now completely conscious of it all the time.

i don't like. how some people bother me now. but i've known them for so long. it's weird how they've changed so much to the point of me not completely liking them anymore.. have i changed that much? since freshman year? speaking of freshman. timmy thought i was a freshman. i don't know what he based that on. if it was my personality it makes sense. and i don't really look like a senior.

if i had a bunch of smells i had to identify i would not be able to pick out dionne's. i guess it's because we're never like.. close to eachother. but i could definitely pick out elly's. and pearl's. and caleb's. and hunter's. and my mom's. wow. i can't think of anyone else.

my stomach hurt on the bus yesterday when me and hunter were discussing the things in marah's butt. POINTED STONES?! hahah. weak.

my dad put the tuition deposit to VCU and berklee. soooo..

that's where i am with college.

i'm really really really afraid everytime i open my email. ever since prescreening cds time. i have this huge fear. that something college related will go bad. and it'll be in an email. and blah.

i need a job. now.

i'm tired..

reasons why crying was inevitable:

1. i'm a big baby
2. my guidance counselor has no confidence that i will graduate due to all my absences.
3. viet was being kind of a dick about me learning my countries
4. my mom picked me up for lunch
5. i completely forgot about performing at the coffee shop
6. i had to ask eric for a ride
7. my dad picked me up in his girlfriends car again
8. we had dinner and discussed college $$ stuff

AND THAT'S WHERE I LOST IT.

smack of reality in the face. my little dream world was gone. i started questioning everything:

WHAT IF I WAS JUST ACCEPTED BASED ON POTENTIAL SINCE I DIDN'T GET A SCHOLARSHIP AND I END UP SUCKING AND WASTING ALL THAT MONEY MOSTLY MY PARENTS?

WHAT IF VCU IS AWESOME AND I'M MISSING THAT OPPORTUNITY?

WHAT IF I'M MISERABLE AT VCU OR BERKLEE?

WHAT IF I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A SUCCESSFUL CELLIST AND END UP NOT BEING ABLE TO PAY OFF MY CRAZY STUDENT LOAN DEBT?

WHAT IF I SHOULD JUST NOT BE A CELLIST AND DO SOMETHING MORE STABLE?

so many things. the list goes on and on.

so. i tried to call jeff or dionne because they have crazy student loan poops and have been through college already.

then i tried pearl because she is in college now.

then i called elly because she's pretty hahah. kidding. because she calms me down.

and it was good.

and i thought about this:

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau

sooo. just gotta. foundation it up. i'll be okay.

it's worth it. i'm confident. it's worth it.

you know what i live for?

long hunter blogs.
mmm my fav!

i woke up. ran to my ipod to play get me bodied. got in the shower. things were good. i got ready and left right on time. i got to class on time. and i made up all my work. and i have a 98A and i was nice to everyone there. and i didn't have a bad attitude even though those people aren't very nice to me.
study block i wrote a note to elly. i kind of got down in the middle of it. but. i picked myself. this is something i need to work on and i am getting better at. picking myself up when i start to see sadness coming on.
i tried to talk to my guidance counselor about graduation since i have like 03475 absences. well. hold on. let me look at my report card.
THIRD NINE WEEKS:
GSA: 13
AP ENG: 11
OCEAN: 7
AP GOV: 8
okay worse than i thought it would be. jesus! have i really missed that much?! 11?! fuuuck. okay. i'm a little scared now. i mean i have A's and B's! i should be fine!i should be fine.
i practiced.
the bus was okay. i'm starting to just be silent on that bus. i've lost my connection to those kids. but. i really feel okay about it. which is kind of bad. but. i just don't want to try anymore. they like me. i like them. we just don't talk a lot anymore. noel really honestly bothers me. so i don't talk to them because he's always around. REALLY LOUD. so. yeah. it's okay.
my lesson went better than i thought it would be. we talked about college. and i played a good scale.
da camera.. meh.i need to work on that music. i feel like. katie and aaron aren't really aware that i'm the section leader. i don't blame them. need to work on that.
eurythmics was okay. it was actually. really good. just the atmosphere was good.
bus home i got kind of irked. but. it was okay. i understand what darrin meant. he's right. actually haha. it just sucks to be wrong ya know? i feel bad for thinking the worst of ian and elise. i'm sure everyone does. yeah, ian really really bothers me sometimes. but. i can't help but feel bad.
it felt SO GOOD to be home. i wanted to be home so fucking bad. and to get my hair out of my face. sometimes my hair REALLY FUCKING BOTHERS ME. and i NEED it out of my face.
uh. i cleaned another section of my room.
i practiced my countries. i need to:
do my english homework.
practice.
possibly finish my room.




;asdhf;lkajsflkejafdjkajkfsjfjfkadjakflasj;fasfas
idon'tknow.

TODAY IS A DAY FOR VAPOR TRAILS

little things.

things i did today that were what i was going for on the whole "be better" plan:
-answer texts right when i get them or soon enough
-put things away, throw away things when i'm done with them instead of leaving shit everywhere
- cleaning a good part of my room. a good start.
-i was nice to most everyone today. i think. well from my point of view i wasn't completely mean. i don't know. that's a hard thing to say for certain. but i tried hard today.
-i told jeremy to tell teply i was going to be late due to therapy
-didn't eat too badly. too badly? that seems wrong.
-been taking pills regularly
-i came prepared with pencils and pens to school!
-i actually went to school
-i got a 4 on my ap gov 2002 exam
-i turned in all my forms!
-

okay my dad just called.
he didn't say much that.. was enlightening.
he almost.. kind of yelled at me. maybe that's just the way he talks or that's just the way he comes off. or i'm just a fucking emotional wreck right now and any thing that isn't babying me sounds harsh. i don't know. but while he was talking i started to cry. and i'm actually still crying. but i know it's stupid to do so. so. gotta type it out.
things will work out. that's what i keep telling myself and others whenever they have problems..
this whole financial shit will be figured out. berklee will figure out that even though my fafsa says that i'm a male or something. they will see i'm a female and it'll get fixed and i'll find out how much money they are able to give me and then my parents and i will figure out how we can pay for it. that's what my dad said. i asked if vcu is still like. a chance of me going there. he said don't rule it out. but. we're going to try to figure out how to pay for it. he said the divorce plays a big role in it because.. it's a big financial thing. for lack of a better word. you know what i mean. it sucks. the situation which has caused me the most pain might be an obstacle once again for my future.. great.
i'm just stressed. and this phone call didn't release any of that. i'll be okay though. things will be okay. things always get better. i'll be better.
i will be less anxious one day. and maybe even not have to battle depression. maybe crying will become a thing of the past one day.
i shouldn't put all my confidence in the future though. i have to work on the present. be a better savannah now and not wait for the future to happen.
i just need to stay optimistic i guess.
that's what i'm trying to say.


i was going to list the things that aided in my future and then list the things that weren't helpful. but. i need to stay optimistic so. let's just skip that part!



tomorrow i will listen to get me bodied. see if hunter is right.

WAH.

i was so excited. now i feel not.
not just 'not excited'. like. not anything. i feel not.

that sounds stupid.




i'll be better.

weekends.

rule.

they're so laid back.

godspell.

I GOT SO MANY COMPLIMENTS FROM THE BAND TONIGHT.
and last night two random audience members came up to me and complimented me!
tomorrow is the test. see if i'm really good haha.

i feel like. i'm becoming better.
orthodontically, no. but that's okay!
humanwise, i'm getting better.

i'm happy.

yesterday:

i got a four on my mock ap exam
i played 'player' in the play we read in class
i ate a firehouse sub before tallwood
my mom gave me the car
my mom gave me a benedryl
i drove in a circle
i picked up elly late
i played well in quintet
da camera was annoying as shit
lit i annoyed dorsey and i felt like shit
i was an asshole to eric
elly and i had dinner
mackenzie and eric annoyed me
i hung out with elly in the back of my mom's car
we walked to the concert
i realized no one signed us up and we weren't playing
i cried
i missed rehearsal for godspell for no reason
lucas asked me personal questions
me and elly watched the rest of the concert
we walked back
caleb texted me about me fucking danielle over basically which is none of his fucking business and he obviously already heard the fucking story and just wanted me to feel like shit all over again. so point taken caleb! i'm a fucking asshole just like everyone else. no wait. i'm a special stupid kind that comes to concerts dressed in black for no reason and missing important shit for no reason even when i already missed two other god damn rehearsals. thanks caleb. thanks for pointing that one out.
i felt like i felt six months ago
i drove her home
she got gas
i went to the bathroom
i walked her to her house
kissed her
drove home
called her
went to sleep
had i dream i lived with her family and her
woke up.

i'm really in a shit mood right now. of course it's a fucking bday. my mom didn't wak e me up even though it's not her job. i just ASSUMED. she would. i'm fucking tired. i thought i got my period but i didn't. i just ASSUMED.
i thought i was an okay person. i just assumed.
i'm so frustrated wit myseld.
so fucking frustrated.

FUCK YOU DREAMS.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

OHMYGOD I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

a little poopy still but overall. much better.
helloooo school and godspell! lately whenever i make a typo it's because i press the spacebar before i finish the word. so it's like thi sor something. blehhh. annoying.

elly had a dream that me and hunter were serial killers and i shot her in the end.

i had a dream that i was at a mall and i saw jason agola and asked to use his phone because i left mine at party. and i called pearl because i recently memorized her phone number. (i've been trying to memorize numbers lately like date sof composers and stuff) and then i saw marcus and he was being a dick to me. and yeah. i don't remember much. OH. jeremy was in it. and i kept kissing him. it was weird.

i feel so much better today. i can't get over it. like 97% better. i can't wait to get out of this house and see my baby.

420 posts on 420!

hitlers b day..
gross.
ICANNASTANDUP. ludacris would be pissed. i get up and i get so dizzy and snowy vision. the shower was a disaster. my butt won't stop.
i ate mashed potatoes though! a few lumps. and crackers. and a fuckoad of ginger ale, waterdown gaterade, and water! so..
maybe i'll be okay for tomorrow.
i need a serious waiver for school.

;alshdlasdfjdkdkkd.

violently vomiting.

YUM. okay. here's my throw up history. when i was five i had a really bad barforama.i went to the hospital and blah. when i was 16 i got drunk with haleigh and threw up in her bathtub but i don't remember ANYTHING from that night so. i don't recall. then today! i will never be bulimic. throwing up is the worst thing in the world. i'd rather die. ughghghugh.
my whole system is fucked.
my face is still itchy and hot. my eyes are less swollen. i've stopped throwing up.
it just sucked because i woke up a t like one in the morning and a second later BOOM. all in my bed. it was great. it was a good time.

NEED TO TALK TO ELLY :(WAAAAAAAAH.

FACE.

THROBBING, SWELLING, ITCHY, HOT. UNCOMFORTABLE.

bday.

i had a really good day with elly. really good. we attempted to look for this place she wanted to show me. and gave up. but that was fine.
attempted making a julius caeser rap. and mine was awesome.
then we just laid in her bed. and talked. and that was the best part. moments like that i pray for time stopping so i could stop the world but me and her could stay like that and be conscious of it.
then i went to godspell. it was 6:30 when i got to taco bell. i was really ambivalent about going but iwas like fuck it i'm sure i'll regret not eating more then eating. so i did it. and i was driving kin dof quickly to rehearsal. i get there at 6:50 at the completely wrong building. i ask two older men how to get in to this very wrong building. the point out it's the wrong building. and offer me a ride. SO I GET IN. ahah. has anyone seen the sarah silverman episode where she wants to make her city safe to get into a stranger's van? ahha i thought of that. but i got to the right place right at 7 opened my case. searched for my music. NOT THERE. so the sweating begins. i run to the guy and he says basically go get it and drive safe. so i ran to my car which was still parked at the very wrong building. 29465 miles away. started to call elly while running thought that would not help me an dit'd be better to call mom. called her to start looking. and then i looked in my car. then i realized it was in my dad's car. and i called him 6 times back to back. and he didn't answer until like the 8th. and he says he's on his way. then i proceed to calling elly crying my eyes out.
i don't know how she deals with me haah. rehearsal went fine. i don't feel as bad because i didn't miss any playing time. AND. gary constantly forgets to tell me things until it's irrelevant. we played this song and then this song and went directly into what i thought were the bows. and then i realized it wasn't. got so confused. and afterwards i was like
..?
and he was like oh yeaaaah we're doing the exit music not the bows. he's forgotten to tell me so many cuts. and different things. and reminded me stupid things. HEY SAVANNAH SO RIGHT NOW WE'RE DOING THIS SONG THAT DOESN'T HAVE MUSIC AND THEN DOING THE OVERTURE. K?
yeah.. duh.
whatevs. that's show business? at regent? with a church band?
idkkk.

IT'S A BDAY. so. everyone cross your fingers. i can make it to school today. i can do it. i swear. i can go to school. i will not cry in the car. i will not stutter. shake. vibrate. anything. i'll be fine. tallwood is nothing. it's just one class. and it's oceanography. i'll be fine. i'll be fine. and then i'll practice. it'll be okay. don't cry.


okay i'm good.

I CAN'T READ YOUR BLOG.

poop.

you're starting to piss me off. a lot lately.

OH AMBIGUITY.


it's not anyone who reads this. just throwing up frustration on this blog. since i made it so only 'blog authors can read'.
makes me feel more secure i guess. what? i don't know.

some of these no. but some. yes. this summer? let's do it.

Go on a search for as many good climbing trees as possible, climb as high as we both can in all of them, compile photo evidence
Go to a major chain bookstore, and leave notes to future readers in copies of our favorite books
I’ll dress up as a ghost and you dress up us Pacman. Walk around downtown holding hands, and whenever anyone sees us, pretend to be embarrassed, and run off screaming “WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA!”
Create photo evidence suggesting that we went on an adventure that didn’t really happen
Dress up as superheroes and stop at least one petty crime “ie. Jaywalking, littering….”
Build forts out of furniture and blankets, and wage war with paper airplanes.
Try and visit as many people as we can in one night, and turn as many things inside their apartment upside down as we can, without them noticing.
Go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when we show up, and stay there for a weekend.
Write a piece of fiction together. Outside at a cafe. Ask strangers when we get stuck.
Dress to the nines, pretend to be married, and test drive very expensive vehicles at an auto dealership.
Do the lamest tourist thing in our area that we have both secretly wanted to do forever. Have an unabashed good time!
In the middle of the night, drive to the beach, so we arrive just as the sun is rising. Have a breakfast picnic, and then fall asleep together. Bring a sun umbrella.
Drive somewhere unknown and have dinner in a city we’ve never been to. Use fake names.
Go to a minor league baseball game under the stars. Tell each other stories about how bad we are at athletics. Randomly cheer for both teams. Eat lots of Cracker Jacks.
Go around the city with sidewalk chalk and draw hearts with equations inside on random things
Walk around a city and perform short silent plays in front of security cameras
With camera and pair of boots, make photolog of a day in the life of the invisible man.
Walk around the city all night and find a place to eat breakfast at dawn
Go to a restaurant and convince the cook to create something completely new for us.
Rent a movie we’ve never seen before. Set on mute and improvise dialogue

fat.

sylvia plath. i had an obsession with her. because she articulated what i was feeling so well. but when we were talking about what makes a mature person in senior prep someone mentioned like getting through the hard times show you're mature. and not giving up. and even i said. trying. don't just be stubborn and not even try and give up. and then i thought. plath killed herself. is that giving up? is that not trying? she tried for sure. but did she try enough? there's no way of me knowing. but i wanted like a portrait of her tattooed on my arm. but then i think. do i want someone who gave up on my arm? is that showing that i support her decision to end her life and that i think that's a great idea? but then i think. 1. who gives a shit. no one is going to think this much about my arm. let alone know who it is most of the time. 2. i still respect her. because. i know what it feels like to want to end it all. i know a lot of people who know what that feels like. and it takes a lot to fight it. and it takes a lot to end it too. a lot of.. courage. i know most people think it's cowardly but. i mean. just sit there with a gun to your head. that's scary. i'm not.. trying to. say that it's admirable she killed herself. i just. blah. and 3. no matter what she did. if she was courageous or cowardly she helped me figure out what i was feeling and made me feel better that i wasn't the only one and i'm sure she's done that for people around the world with her books and poems. and i mean. if anything. you can respect that. okay enough about that.

my party last night. consisted of: me, elly, hunter, raeesah, lucas, ashley vaughn, allison herd, darrin, livy, lauren white, lauren white's friend adam, and eric.
it was a really random group. that usually happens at gsa gatherings. but. it was fun. i rode the ferris wheel with my girl. she lost the ring that i gave her that my dad bought me in mexico. i'm not bothered at all though. she is. um. everyone was anxiously awaiting lucas. he was fun. lauren and adam were the first to go. then darrin and livy. then it was hunter, raeesah, and lucas. ashley and allison. eric. and me and elly. i felt bad for eric. i felt bad for lauren. but. i don't know. i can't please everyone. i guess. so. ultimately it was a success and i'm so glad lucas put it together for me. and that everyone came. and jeff came up to me after school yesterday and said that he saw this event on facebook and he is proud of me. and that was really nice. and there were two things that happened last night that i just want to never forget. and. i cried. happy tears. so. yeah. i was happy last night.

speaking of crying! i am due to cry today! i cry on b days. so. today would be a bday so we'll see. i'm having dinner with jeff and dionne tonight.

i've been good about turning in scholarships. i've turned in. ODC scholarship, VIRGA.. andd. that's it. more to come. uhhh.

it looks liek it's going to rain today. hope it doesn't ruin the beach gay party.

lucas said last night that he doesn't consider me out yetbecause you have to be out ofr a while to be really out. and i feel him. hahah. but. i don't know. it kind of felt like he was diminishing like. my initial coming out. it doesn't matter. i understand.

i. need to be better.
a better friend to a lot of people.
a better girlfriend.
a better cellist.
take care of myself better.
be a better daughter.

what are your thoughts on relationships? by savannahgeorgia

this is a pretty general question. but i would have to say that they are amazing when you have something (someone) great. i honestly never thought i would be in such a commited, real relationship any time soon, mostly because i didnt think i was capable of sustaining one. but i love the fact that it is possible to do. i love being with you. i mean, in reality i was never a fan, because i've always been the "free" one out of all my friends, but what can i say? im way more happy than i was single. because i've got you to keep me happy. haha. isnt that what relationships are about? having someone that you care about and that you both know you can go to when you feel like complete shit? i feel like if you do have that person that can turn everything around for you , a complete 180, than they are someone you need to keeep around. sometimes i think that being in a relationship with someone is a promise to one another to not only love eachother, but its a promise saying that yes, you will be the person that is always there for them, a rock, a lover, a friend, but you will also be that person that isnt afriad to be nothing but honest and their own personal realist.

anxiety attack.

again.. always on bday..
maybe school isn't for me..

godspell at regent university.

HOLY FUCK.
last night's rehearsal was from 7-11. i'm sure this is normal or something but after waking up at 6 to go to school till 4 and get home at 5:30. yeah. not cool.
everyone in the pit is above the age of 35.
the cast is from regent.
we pray before rehearsal.
the director, choreographer, sound board guy all DON'T GIVE A FUCK/HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT when the pit director guy makes suggestions.
"you want a slightly out of tune ragtime piano?"
"uhh.. the one you just played sounded good.."
so many stops to just do that.
and guess what!
tech week they said they could keep us as long as they wanted until it got done. so i'm thinking midnight to early morning. I'M SEVENTEENNN..

i have a lesson today. COMPLETELY UNPREPARED.
gah.
and rehearsal again tonight..
i'm gonna die.

i hope that wasn't offensive. hahaha.

gaymitzvah

so. you know. bar and bat mitzvahs are like coming into manhood or womanhood?



my coming out party is like. coming out of straighthood.








eh? eh?

she really honestly completely makes me happy.

adorablenonsense.tumblr.com

the teaches of peaches:

"i've come out ot all the important people. i'll figure out a way to come out to everyone else"
COMING OUT PARTY FRIDAAAAAAAAAAAY hahahahaaha.

hilarious.


hunty and i went on another adventure. i took:
a giant rock from a roof.
a smaller rock from a less sketch roof.
a football.
a rope.
a lock connected to a chain.
a row of tiles.
a tile.
and electrical tape.

i hope lucas doesn't spread the joy of my blog. jeremy kind of went on a rant a little about how he thought it wasn't a good idea to post your innermost thoughts online for everyone to see that isn't completely private. aaaaaaaaand. i guess that's true. but. uh. i don't know! not much to say on the subject. but i think lucas wouldn't be able to handle diving into this pool of depression, weird dreams, tales of climbing countless hotel stairs to find roof access, and neverending circles of rambling nonsense.
but he has hunty's. it won't be long till he gets to me. OH WELL.

i wish i could punch elly's mom in the face sometimes.
and sometimes everything she does/says makes me weak.
that family is crazy. i don't blame elly for thinking she was adopted or something haha. she is nothing like them. i mean, jozy? really? elly is related to jozy tier? haahha. kidding kidding. i hope she has a blessed day.

i can tell my mom is struggling for money. really struggling. she insists on taking me out to eat though. i guess that's so she doesn't have to go to the store. that's what my dad does. his fridge is full of purely liquids. of the alcoholic persuasion. and his pantry of assorted chips, salsas, and real food for me when i come over for the weekends.
my mom is just in a bad place right now. she hasn't been this bad in a while. a lot of people are concerned. dionne, my friends. it's weird. i just. i don't know. there's not much i can do. except say ramen is okay for dinner i don't want to go out haha. speaking of ramen. i think i'll go have some.

ending this on a weird note again. i think i'm going to try to make it a point now to end them on good ones. sooooo..
here's a picture of elly.

Friday April 16th

Hello Mr. Fortune,
This is Savannah Flores. I wanted to let you know that Friday April 16th I will be participating in the National Day of Silence where hundreds of thousands of students nationwide take a vow of silence to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in their schools. So, I know I'm not the most talkative person in the first place, but this Friday I hope it is okay with you that I will be completely silent throughout your class and throughout the day. This is really important to me because I just came out not too long ago. I can hopefully print out some information about it for the class and I'll give you the website at the end of this message which is full of more information about this.
Thank you for your time,
Savannah Flores

the main website: http://dayofsilence.org/index.cfm
frequently asked questions page: http://dayofsilence.org/content/getinformation_faq.html

sex on the first date.

i had weird dreams. one you got exploded. one you got danced upon sexily by me. one you weren't in. but i'm sure i thought of you a lot during it :D

i love my hunty. i love how spring break is teasing us. OH YEAH, IMA BE MAKIN' IT HOT AND SHIT AND MAKE YOU KIND OF TAN BUT IT'LL ALL GO AWAY AND YEAH, HANG OUT WITH ALL YOU FRIENDS BUT YOUR ASS IS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL SOON AND GETTING A REPORT CARD WHERE YOU PROBABLY HAVE AN E OR SOME OTHER SHIT GRADE IN ENGLISH. FUCK YOU. and then spring break causes elly to explode and attaches bungee cords to my eyelids and attaches the other end to two monster trucks and then continues to accelerate the opposite direction.

anyways.

what to say. what to say.
i've come out to the important people. not exactly sure how to do it to others. i'll figure it out.
i have pimples.
i need to wear my rubberbands if i want society's standard perfect teeth before college.
i have to poop.
i'm bored with my music. but i can't illegaly download because. blah. stuff.
i want my bike back.

elly just gaveme the okay. so i guess i need to depart.
i'll leave you with this. and by you.i mean no one in particular. maybe you hunter. or maybeyou pearl. or maybe you greasy stalker. or just maybe. i'm talking to YOUUUUUUU.

okay so here:

hi, i'm a lesbian.

bad sleep again.
my back hurt really bad. ughh..

i saw dr. carol. i love her.
i'm hungry.

gay.

thinking.

not a good thing.
i suck at talking to hunter. i just. blehhhhhhehehe. last night he texted me and i was just having dinner with my dad. and i already feel kind of weird bringing elly all the time. well not all the time. sometimes he asks if she wants to come. but last night i totally brought her without telling him. sometimes i feel like he wants to work on our relationship at dinner. and by bringing a third party it's like.. ruining that somehow. and then texting throughout just makes it more awkward. and then we saw this former skinhead talk and it would just be rude hahah. don't want to get kicked in the face with his steel toe boots.
i just feel like it's always the wrong time. like with patty.
i've been thinking about her a lot. i need to talk to her. we haven't talked in a really long time. she seems still friendly though. like she's not mad at me.
i just need to initiate things.

i have this problem. where when people text me. i answer it in my head and move in. never really replying. which causes a lot of people to be mad. mostly my parents. but. i do it in real life too. oh i'll do that later. i think i've done it in my head. and i haven't. poop! i just thought of something. cellopaloosa. i need to ask about that. see! fuck.

i've also been thinking about something else. i don't really know how to go about talking about that. so i'll wait.

berklee has also been crazy on my mind. i don't know what to say about that. i just think about day to day things. walking to class in the cold. with my cello. seeing people on the street waving. just stupid things.

i hate waking up early. i always do this to myself.

okay. i'm starting to get in a weird mood. hannah hasn't emailed me back. still. and. blah.


whatever.

worst sleep ever.

i don't know why. ijust kept waking up like every few hours. less than tha.t like every hour or two. i had a weird dream. it sucked. my comforter is all weird. i'm going to switch it out to my summer quilt thing. i like not wearing clothes. it's kind of necessary with my sunburn but it's nice. freedom. i've been good with my rubber bands and brushing. ortho should be proud. elly today. whenever she wakes up. from probably an awesome sleep haha. i wish she had a car. lately i've been paying for a lot. i mean it's my dad's money. but soon he's going to be paying for a lot of shit. and i hate to waste it on gas and stupid lunches.
speaking of money. pearl brought to my attention. i probably won't be getting a new cello in berklee. but. that's fine. i mean. i don't have a problem with tony. he's been pretty good to me. he looks kind of shitty. but i've learned to make a better than average sound with him. i can wait. i keep thinking. i just need to become really famous and rich so i can pay off college. haha. not for fame's sake or to have a stupid amount of money. but so i can pay off college. blehhh.
i want a tattoo when i turn eighteen. i have no idea what i'd get though. i feel like the first one has to be important. i don't know why. but. i do. after that i feel like i can get any shit. i always wanted a bass clef. but i can wait for that. i want something significant. in size and in importance. i don't know. ihave time to think.. too much time..
i like aaron. he's a good guy. straight up.
i don't like matt. but i want his skimboard.
i might go longboarding before i get elly. i miss it.

i'm tired. i want a good sleep.. ugh.

poiuytrewq

woke up. early. again. not as worth it haha. c'mon. sunrise elly? or school? yeah, no fanks.
my mom was being crabby driving me to gabby's house. it made me really anxious. i felt like she was mad at me. i was kind of freaking out. but. i got to gabby's and as we were leaving her mom kissed her on the head and kissed me on the head haha. it was nice. motherly lovin'. drive was fine.
theory was interesting. the teacher was workin' these:



yeah. and this girl was annoying and answered EVERY QUESTION and made a smart ass comment for everything trying to be cutesy. which i do sometimes. not for cutesyness. but. i don't know.I DO IT TOO BUT IT'S OKAY. IT'S ONLY ANNOYING TO GARY WEAVER. hahhaah. and probably pearl my freshman year. but. i can't take her. steph was tired and quiet. but it was fine. i was tired too. her lesson was fine. pearl's was good. dana looks like megyn price from rules of engagement kind of. she's nice to me. and likes me. it always feels good to be liked. i saw so many people i knew in the hallway. kelly was kind of bitchy. typical.. melanie was nice! i never really talked to her but she congratulated me on berklee. which was nice. i liked cello class! i like all the cellists. even eleanor was okay. haha. i mean. it was an hour. but yeah. matt is really cool. i really like him. i kind of thought about adding him on facebook. if he has one. everyone has one haha. but i think he would think that was creepy or something haha. so no. can't be creepy. must have everyone at vcu like me. hahah. gabby wanted to peace out. i wanted to stay but i mean she drove me so. what am i gonna do? lunch with pearl was good as always. i love just spending time with her. since it's so rare. well. not since it's so rare. but i love it more than usual since it's so rare? does that makes sense? sunburn sucks. i wanted to stay for the cello masterclasst hing. mehh.. ride home was okay. i was tired. i felt lightheaded all day. even more so when i got home. was going to hang iwth darrin but i felt like poop. so. no. possibly elly but. no. nononono. tomorrow will be good. i mean. every day will hah. today was just tiring. since monday too. ;ajslf.

thoughts on vcu? i love the people. it's comfortable. that's the best way to sum it up. it's a lot like GSA now. i thought of that way of explaining it on the car ride home. i know a lot of people. i am confident in my abilities. i'd just be taking lessons. similar orchestra and rep. just. away from home. kind of.
berklee is like GSA my freshman year. scary. new. intimidating. completely full of strangers. now teachers describe me as having the gsa spirit and embodying gsa or whatever. i want to like take over berklee haha. i need a new, bigger school to conquer. hahah. i don't want to feel like a senior girl. i want to feel like a scared freshman.
gabby wants comfort. which isn't bad. she knew even more people then i knew there. and she loved it. i want to network and make more connections.
i think the vcu campus is nice. the city is way cool. pearl is jesus. dana is like. i don't know. mary magdalene.

and that's all i have to say about that.

;iwefk

it sucks that such a great day ended with. that. :/



jal;skuarewopjfkdsjfhjdsak.
can we be like this? (3:55)


http://www.youtube.com/user/beaverbunch?blend=1&ob=4#p/u/20/gdVkO1oZ550

twelve hours with my girl.

okay, i seriously thought of this title first haha.

bad things:
me seeing elly three times a year. just. hearing that sounds awful. gah. well, seeing anyone three times a year. i'll call. and skype. and shit. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. it can't not be fine. it just can't.
SUNBURNT EVERYWHERE. TOTAL BODY SUN BURN.
ITCHY FACE. ALLERGIC REACTION TO MOE'S. IT'S OFFICIALY MOE'S. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ABOUT MOE'S. BUT EVERYTIME I GO THERE. MY FACE GETS CRAZY ITCHY AND IT DOESN'T HELP MY FACE IS SUNBURNT. WAAAAAAH.
period. . .

good things:
elly sunrise on the beach.
soccer ball aimed at jozy's face.
throwing a football correctly.
elly's parents leaving and trusting us.
successful double dateish thing! coupleness.
sunburn will turn into tan.
berklee friends!
new levels of our relash with elly.
12 hourssss.

GOOD. DAY. VERY TIRED. VCU TOMORROW. HI PEARLZ.

oh, i'm british?

hey
well im madelyn and i live in california. I sing and play piano, and want to learn the banjo. I think im gonna double major in performance and music therapy. i love berklee, you should go to berklee because you already live in london and you be an edgy international student. Besides music im really into theatre, but... not musical theatre and painting. I like all music except country. someday i want to live in africa, hopefully after college thats where ill go. cant wait to meet youu

coooool..

Savannah Flores Virginia's Princess

Nation's cutest baby honored

There were 100 finalists from all 50 states but only one winner. Savannah Elisabeth Flores, two years old, from Virginia, was selected as America's Sweetheart in the 75th annual "Cutest Baby Contest" sponsored by Gerber's and presented in New York City last week.
But the contest was marred by the disappearance of nearly $ 10,000 of groceries which were to be used as prizes to the winning baby and family. A spokesperson from Gerber said that there was enough food to feed an army.
Police in Los Angeles believe that may have the culprit behind bars already. Susan Cooper is currently being held for a rash of supermarket robberies in which food, not money, was taken.
People who used to work with Cooper remember her as a backstabbing, lying, troublemaker who was jealous of successes of those around her.

easter.

i saw that play with my atheist father.



maybe it'll turn into a flores family tradition.
it was a good play though. the actors really committed..

d;j;ajslkjksfd

yesterday was not awesome.

i hung out with jeremy and katie. but i was just in a poopy mood. for no reason. i could have hung out with elly. but i never hang out with katie and jeremy or any of the seniors for that matter and it's been brought to my attention that i suck at doing that. so. i decided. i really should hang.

but. shit mood just. made it not amazing. bleh. i wish i could like apologize to them hah.

i was really afraid of not getting home on time too. but. miraculously. i left katie's house at rosemont at 10:15. drove to jeremy's house at granby by the navy base and back to my dad's at indian river y 10:58.

today i am going to make it good. be more proactive.

i'm going go for a run in my neighborhood! and. i'm fucking going to go to the beach with my dad and get tanner! and then see darwin goes to malibu at the generic theater with my dad on easter sunday! and then.. not sure from there. possibly tie dye with aaron whitehurst! so. fuck you moods! this is going to be a good day.

i have this pimple above my lip and it's the most annoying thing in the world.

elly makes me laugh SO. HARD. it's crazy.

"we were flying the jets and my mom couldn't get it off the ground. and everyone was in a dogfight and shooting at eachother and i couldn't find them."

HAHAHAHA.

"the guy kept saying cockpit #2 everyone is 6:00. and i thought that meant they were below me so i went down."

AHAHAH.

i was like pooping in my dad's car. she just makes me laugh.

i'm weird.

it's really nice outside.
i could have gone to the beach hours ago.
i'm in my bikini right now.
i've been sleeping all day.
i woke up and my face and mostly right eye was swollen and itchy.
it's basically gone away.
the medicine made me tired.
i ate two microwave pizzas.
i want to post on the berklee 2014 facebook group. but i might not have enough money to go. i'm incredibly uninteresting. i just don't know what to say.


hi, i'm savannah flores. i'm from virginia beach, va. the letter "v" on my laptop is broken so typing it is really difficult. i ate two microwave pizzas today. i play cello. i plan on majoring in cello performance. i don't play any other instruments well enough to mention them here. i only play classical music. i'm going to berklee to expand that. i might not have enough money to go. so this might be pointless. i don't like to party. i don't drink or smoke. i've never roomed with anyone before. i'm not from an exotic country. i don't have an interesting accent. i've never played with anyone famous. i don't have my own website or album. i only know one person at berklee. i'm not near boston. i didn't go to the five week program because it was too expensive. i can't write my own songs. i'm not majoring in film scoring or double majoring or music therapy.


i'm just in a bad mood. maybe another time. i'll come up with something better.

i started talking to smelly tears over spring break.

elly
Apr 15, 2009 6:41 PM
haha.
i want to go there! god damn i have to wait like 2 more years....
haha represent!
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elly
Apr 14, 2009 11:18 PM
yea i herd from a friend that vienna was a possibility.
oh my god! berklee is my dream college!
how was it???
wow. im really jealous right now :)
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elly
Apr 14, 2009 10:53 PM
freshman.
do you know where we;re going for next year's trip?
yea mine's going good. you?
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elly
Apr 13, 2009 1:28 PM
hey!
no yea i remember.
yea it was really fun. im pretty excited about going.
what grade are you in?

:)

i think me and hannah are going to be really good friends.

mmm.

zach,


i suck at replying to you. but if you give me savanna's email address, i will not suck at replying to her.


i would love love love to talk to her get started in this crazy string world. feel free to have her email me anytime with questions.


also. we haaaaavvve to play together this summer. i get back the middle of may. lets make this happen.


cool.


han



On Wed, Mar 10, 2010 at 3:58 AM, Gorilla Strings wrote:

Hannah,
Crazy question for ya. There's a girl who plays the cello (quite effin well) in Virginia. She doesnt know quite what to do with herself. Conservatory or college or what not. She is 17?
I thought you and her might be a great "match". Your older and do what you do ... but, you remember that feeling too.


If its cool with you I wanna pass along your info so you two can talk. She's a hell of a player, and she is right up your alley.
And she is thinking commercial music, on the cello. So...yea.


Let me know if your interested? Sort of a mentoring thing?
www.gsarts.net Thats her school. Doing every thing they can. But, I still think a conversation with you might do even more.


If thats o.k. let me know and I will pass along this e-mail to her.
--Zach



today was weird. only 4 in ap gov. hamlet test ass kicking. hamlet soliloquy kicked my ass. picked up elly ate most of a triple whopper. got into berklee. had senior prep outside. had dinner with dad and elly at carrabas. walked around greenbrier calling my mom trying to get inside my apartment for an hour. blisters. owl city. jeff. weird.

berklee.

Congratulations Savannah!

On behalf of the president and the board of trustees, I am delighted to announce your acceptance to Berklee College of Music as a candidate for the bachelor of music degree, September 2010, fall semester.
A new door has opened, and a new chapter begins in the pursuit of your life's passion. Your acceptance to Berklee College of Music is a privilege reserved for those we determine have what it takes: to be, rather than to seem to be.
Your experience at Berklee will be rich and filled with possibility. In preparation, I would like to share some traits that will be fundamental to your success in this challenging environment:
A pioneering spirit and boundless thirst for knowledge; willingness to explore new musical horizons; openness to the creativity around you; passion and focus; respect for your peers; and a professional attitude toward your work.
These are the qualities at the core of Berklee's success, the essence of who we are. They resonate with our community and are mirrored in our creative diversity.
Only you can determine whether you are ready. Ready to contribute to the legacy and the legend. Ready to thrive. Ready to question. Ready to lead. Ready to fulfill the potential that is so evident to us.
We have opened the door. Now it's up to you.
Yours in music,
Damien S. Bracken
Dean of Admissions

BUT.

Dear Savannah:
The Scholarship Committee has completed reviewing all admitted candidates for scholarship consideration. While we have every confidence in your ability to succeed at Berklee, the unprecedented level of competition in our admitted class means that we are unable to award you a scholarship at this time. However, this decision does not preclude you from receiving need-based funds from the college. We encourage you to visit the financial aid section of our website to learn more about financing your education at berklee.edu/financing.

We wish you all the best in all your future musical endeavors.

Sincerely,

Tod P. Oliviere
Director of Scholarships and Student Employment
Berklee College of Music




so.. yeah.

it's pathetic i blog whenever something happens.

fixing things two at a time!

1. old friends-> regular friends.
2. going to school.


i can handle those two things.

kim cook CANNOT remember me.

Dear Savannah,

How are you! I enjoyed seeing you at our Carnegie Hall concert!! I am so glad you and your mother were able to attend!!


wtf. i didn't go.

oh, hunter.

i love you. please don't think such things. i'm just not happy right now. and i haven't been at school. and i haven't been on the bus. and kevin hates me. hah. lot's of things going on. i'm just really overwhelmed. (i'm not really sure what i'm overwhelmed with i have nothing going on) and. i'm getting better. and me and you will be better. i promise. i promise hunter. things are just really weird right now.