HUNTER MAYTON.

WTF.

hunter's blog is my blog. su blog es mi blog.

So yeah. I feel a tad bit disconnected from music right now which is really weird. I'm still listening to it like nonstop but I feel no tendancy to write facebook statuses about FUCK THIS PARAGRAPH.

LOLLLLLLL.

I guess I can just accept that my talent comes and goes. I BET IT'S BECAUSE PEARL'S NOT IN VIRGINIA BEACH FFFFFFFF.

YESSS PREACHHH!

I care too much.

feelthesamewaysometimesssss. a lot of times.

OH MY GOD FAVVVVVV:

"I'd take him back in a heartbeat.

OH WELL NOT HAPPENING OH LOOK A FLOWER."

BFF.

meagan asked me last night who my best friends were.

of course without hesitation i said elly.

then i was like. wait. pearl. hunter. and.

that's it. hahaha. i don't know i always knew that me pearl and hunter were like a group and we all loved each other and hung out all the time and poop. but. it was just kind of a moment were i was like. wow my best friend circle is different.

before them. the major circle was like freshman year. gabby p, jeremy w, and caleb p, and katie s.

before them it was like. ryan.

before him it was middle school shits. cindy, monica, nikki, and meagan butler.

IT'S JUST WEIRD OKAY? a moment of realization.

i really only talk to hunter and pearl and elly. they are the people that i care about the most. i would give them my arms or something if they needed 'em. strange.

i guess the weirdest part is that we're so new. i mean pearl and hunter were friends before me but it was exactly a year ago that it started. but, we have so many memories and i trust them so much and they are so. i admire them. i think the world of them. and fucking elly. i have known her less than pearl and hunter. hahaha.

when you look at it from a different point of view it seems odd. but hopefully.. it makes sense to us.

i've just never had friends like those three. they make me think. they help me. talk about things other people wouldn't talk about. things that interest me and make me laugh.

i mean that's what friends are. and i may be biased. but i don't think anyone has a relationship like the relationships i share between hunter, pearl, and elly.

BUMMER.

i feel stupid.

"SAVANNAH YOU'RE NOT STUPID"

i know. thanks. but i feel like it right now.

so glad those peter pan pictures resurfaced.

they seriously make me laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME. so. now when i visit hunter's blog (which is usually every .20385 seconds) i'll laugh. every time pearl does something on facebook. laugh.

tallwood's grad. uhh. tiring. MAYBE IT WAS LIKE ALL THE EMOTIONS OF SUCK COMING BACK TO ME AS I SAW EACH ASSHOLE CROSS THE STAGE.

or maybe because there were like five hundred of them and it took a long time.

elly had a secret blog for a while. there is a giant shift in her writing from the point of "this is a secret no one will read this" to "i'm going to let savannah read this eventually" kind of a bummer. but it was so nice she let me see it. she's so nice.

pimples are annoying.

party i was in a weird mood. but that's okay! i'm pretty sure hunter had a good time. parties are interesting. people are different. i'm different. really different.

i wish people didn't label me and hunter as obnoxious together. yeah, we can be. but we can also talk on a normal volume level about things not anus involved. i like talking to hunter. he thinks differently from me. i love that. like jeff. he thinks differently from me and hunter. and pearl is different from all of them. elly too. i mean, we agree on a lot of things but sometimes we come to that conclusion 20358 different ways. well i guess four different ways. i don't know what i'm saying.

i want to be more like jeff. not because jeff is jesus just like everyone else thinks. i don't know. jeff is. gah, when i think of jeff related to students. i think of his "favorites". like katie and gabby. fucking like. talk about him all the time. like a school girl crush. they say they don't have a crush on him and that was like freshman year. but they act like it. caleb and andrew need his approval to survive. i try not to be like that. maybe i really am like that. i just want to be more like him in the sense of. thinking things through more. and being kind to others. i just consider him as a friend. i want to be like all my friends. i think if i could pool certain characteristics of all my friends. i could be like the perfect human ahah. well my idea of the perfect human. anyways.

i'm going to start writing letters to jeff. and thank you cards to people who deserve it.

i want to cut my hair. it's annoying.

i want lessons again.

i feel really unattractive lately.

bloggy.

yesterday was really go go go. ya know?

woke up. took my mom to work. went to elly's ready to take her to like a coffee shop so i could write a thank you note to jeff and haleigh's yearbook and eat breakfast with her. chilled in starbucks for a while. laid down in my mom's car with the windows down. went to therapy.

therapy has been good lately. well. actually. something more than good. maybe spectacular. or maybe a better word is possibly unnecessary? when i first started therapy. it was once a week. sometimes going in for emergencies after hours. psychiatrist. neurologist. -ists surrounding me. now i'm not on drugs. not harming myself. going to therapy every two weeks. and laughing and talking with my therapist and not even crying when i talk about events where i did cry. it feels good. i felt like i was "cured". which is so stupid. i don't think you can be cured of anything besides like cancer or the flu or something. but that thought just kept going through my head. i feel rehabilitated. cured. fixed.

BUT.

i have stopped going to therapy and it ended up not turning out okay. and this time of my life is kind of.. insane right now. separation. getting prepared for loss. i think it might be okay to stay with it. i mean. it's covered. and my dad can handle the expense.

i just feel stronger. like i know i'm not cured i've said that already but i feel like i have a stronger wall around me. and even if my wall comes crumbling down. i have faster workers to build it back up again stronger than it was before. (SO CHEESY OF A METAPHOR, but go with me for a little longer) before it was like. i either had no wall and was completely vunerable to anything. or people would keep like assaulting my wall and it would be destroyed and i would build it back up timidly and it would be paper thin and ready to be torn down again in seconds.

gah, so lame. but i'm just trying to explain the feelings that were rushing through me at eleven o clock yesterday.

then me and elly went back to the apartment and ate and watched tv and stuff. i did laundry. took her home. went grocery shopping for my mom. filled up the gas tank. picked her up from work. got dressed and drove to jeff's for dinner. i had a little fear it would be awkward with caleb. but whenever i'm thrown into this situation. i follow his lead. and last time at sam's party it was complete ignoring. this time it was pleasant. and even joking with eachother. (MEHHHH. SO CONFUSING) i'm sure it was just to avoid me and elly together at the party and last night it was easier because i was alone. but. whatever. point is. that was not a big point.

jeff's apartment: totally would you would imagine. modern. cool. plants. things that have long stories displayed. assortment of cheeses and crackers. trader joe's everything.

guests: andrew k, danielle, gabby p, katie, me, karl, jeremy, caleb, olivia sturgz (who is amazing by the way)

andrew k brought this board game called therapy (LOL@IRONY) and it was pretty funny. but it got tedious after a while. then we shifted to taboo and it was hilarious. the girls team was in the lead most of the game and at the end we tied. (adorable yes?) [i shoved the score card in my pocket for memory's sake because i'm a complete loser dorkface] {i don't think anyone noticed} \hopefully\ anyways.

andrew kept yelling the randomest things before anyone said clues. which was A) annoying. and not helpful at all but more importantly B. HILARIOUSSSSSS.

"VASECTOMY"

"SPERM. SPERM UHH. SPERM. SPERM SHARK!?"

"this is a country.."

"QUEBEC!"

so many others.

and olivia was trying to get us to say 'multivitamins' and it went something like this:

"okay, flinstones. chewy. things. you take them."

"VITAMINS."

"yes! but. there are SO. MANY." hahahahaha. i guess it's a had to be there thing. her inflection was amazing. she is so hilarious. and loves musicals. i hope we become insane friends over the summer. i doubt it. i mean.

so yeah! then we talked about gsa. and i left around 11:45 because i was afraid of falling asleep while driving and i was going to talk to elly on the drive home but she was really tired and had an exam this morning so. shmeh. it wasn't so bad until i got to the 64 and then i was kind of not completely focused. BUT I MADE IT.

i like staying out late.

but i get really tired early.

and that's it!

more of a bloggy mood.

i need to start practicing cello again. hardcore. i think i'll start that today. i'm kind of lost on what to work on though. ihaven't had lessons at all this year. so. i don't know. i guess i'll just start putting back together the stuff i stopped working on like saint saens and bach. those should always be ready ya know?

i have to clean my room too. the fact that there are so many things on the floor scares me. at night i see all these scary shapes and stuff and i feel like there are people in there staring at me as i sleep. gah. need to clean. for my own nighttime safety. plus it's gross. and alaska has peed in random areas of my room. so i need to discover those. and wash those clothes. it's not like there are puddles of urine festering in my room. she has just like.. peed on some papers or a tshirt and i need to figure out which is which. peed or not peed. YEAH IT'S GROSS OKAY. THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. SMELLING EVERYTHING IN MY ROOM FOR CAT WASTE.

mehh..

i miss pearl. NOT LIKE I DON'T SAY THAT EVERY BLOG. it's like the token black guy. "i miss pearl" is my token black guy of my blog.

hunter and tyra today. tyra and hunter. i don't like friends coming over my house/apartment. because i suck at entertaining people. plus there's nothing really around either. and yeah. just. suckage. plus my room is peefilled.. GAH SO MANY PROBLEMS. but it's tyra. so. there is a special purpose.

i applied for a job that my dad talked to the boss about. and he replied saying OH MY GOD YOUR GRAMMAR SUCKS FIX IT. so.. i did. angrily.

former roommate: i can' believe i'm like. really mad at someone from berklee and i haven't even gone there yet. hahah. i mean. really. she told me i was going to have the place. she should have said to the original girl that it is taken by savannah flores an awesome virginian cellist go find somewhere else. i mean. that's fair. she promised it to me. now i have to scramble. i felt like i was so ahead of the game and everything having a place already. now. i'm back to having to scramble to get shit done. this whole college shit has been like that. my fault. oh well.

i mean i can kind of understand why she did it. the only way i can is the following scenario: i ask pearl to room with me. she can't. i ask person X to room with me she can. pearl says she can room with me again. person X is fucked.

BUT EVEN THEN. i would feel horrible for this unnamed female. and i probably still wouldn't do it. UGHUGHUHGUHGUHGU whatever.

i wish i could shave heads for hunter. i feel like i'd hurt him. but. yeah. gah, so stupid he can't.

today i'm probably going to cry. i have had a crying streak lately. so. today it's bound to happen. i don't even feel like TODAY I WON'T CRY. because. i don't know. giving in? yes. not quitting. just letting shit happen.

i'm really content with my body. usually summer rolls around and i'm like EWW FLAB MUST WORK OUT AND EAT HEALTHY. of course i don't. but right now. i just. i mean. it's okay. i'm probably better than average. i mean. i don't know. it's not even like. "well, there are probably people who look worse in a bikini than me" i just. i'm happy with myself. yay?

another thing to go along with that point. with all the cards and stuff from pwatt and jeff. and elly and eric. and yearbook stuff. i feel really good about my insides too. hahah. like. people really like me. and care about me. and are bummed that i'm leaving. and they learned from me. that's just mind blowing. people learned from me. haha. sometimes i just feel like the freak who either is in a crazy amazing funny poor decision making psycho savannah or the sulking cutting crying moaning groaning quiet sad savannah. and the fact that i feel like there is no middle makes me feel worse.

but people learned from me. and love me.

i don't know. it's a confidence boost. and i'm going to try to remember that when i feel poopy.

i talked to haleigh. we hung out this one night. we went to the golf course and laid down on one of the hills. she told me how bad she felt about "dumping" me so often. and how she did it for her spirituality or whatever. but she still probably shouldn't have dealt with me that way. and blah. and i was like. i just don't want to befriend you again and the same shit happen and me get left. and she kind of said ..i might do it again. not in those words. but i felt like she didn't want to commit to saying that she will never drop me again. oh well. i miss her. she's nicer now. her voice is kinder. it's weird how the two go hand in hand. it's like gentle now. ANWAYW;UASYS.

me and elly are goin' strong.

my mom has a job :)

dionne gave me money for college!

i'm going to watch tv now!

oh hay.

a few key points.

• i'm gonna try and get back into this.
• grad was crazy.
• the most important people in my life said the nicest things i've ever heard ever. they showed how much the care about me and oh my god. they do. they care so much. they love me. mrs watters and jeff love me.
• i cried reading the cards i got and that's it.
• i cried today because i was stressed.
• i cried today because of elly's mix cd
• i cried thursday because of caleb.
• oh crying..
• i am happy.
• elly makes me the happiest person in the world.
• i miss people.
• i'm so tired. always. tired tired.