i have to clean my room too. the fact that there are so many things on the floor scares me. at night i see all these scary shapes and stuff and i feel like there are people in there staring at me as i sleep. gah. need to clean. for my own nighttime safety. plus it's gross. and alaska has peed in random areas of my room. so i need to discover those. and wash those clothes. it's not like there are puddles of urine festering in my room. she has just like.. peed on some papers or a tshirt and i need to figure out which is which. peed or not peed. YEAH IT'S GROSS OKAY. THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. SMELLING EVERYTHING IN MY ROOM FOR CAT WASTE.
mehh..
i miss pearl. NOT LIKE I DON'T SAY THAT EVERY BLOG. it's like the token black guy. "i miss pearl" is my token black guy of my blog.
hunter and tyra today. tyra and hunter. i don't like friends coming over my house/apartment. because i suck at entertaining people. plus there's nothing really around either. and yeah. just. suckage. plus my room is peefilled.. GAH SO MANY PROBLEMS. but it's tyra. so. there is a special purpose.
i applied for a job that my dad talked to the boss about. and he replied saying OH MY GOD YOUR GRAMMAR SUCKS FIX IT. so.. i did. angrily.
former roommate: i can' believe i'm like. really mad at someone from berklee and i haven't even gone there yet. hahah. i mean. really. she told me i was going to have the place. she should have said to the original girl that it is taken by savannah flores an awesome virginian cellist go find somewhere else. i mean. that's fair. she promised it to me. now i have to scramble. i felt like i was so ahead of the game and everything having a place already. now. i'm back to having to scramble to get shit done. this whole college shit has been like that. my fault. oh well.
i mean i can kind of understand why she did it. the only way i can is the following scenario: i ask pearl to room with me. she can't. i ask person X to room with me she can. pearl says she can room with me again. person X is fucked.
BUT EVEN THEN. i would feel horrible for this unnamed female. and i probably still wouldn't do it. UGHUGHUHGUHGUHGU whatever.
i wish i could shave heads for hunter. i feel like i'd hurt him. but. yeah. gah, so stupid he can't.
today i'm probably going to cry. i have had a crying streak lately. so. today it's bound to happen. i don't even feel like TODAY I WON'T CRY. because. i don't know. giving in? yes. not quitting. just letting shit happen.
i'm really content with my body. usually summer rolls around and i'm like EWW FLAB MUST WORK OUT AND EAT HEALTHY. of course i don't. but right now. i just. i mean. it's okay. i'm probably better than average. i mean. i don't know. it's not even like. "well, there are probably people who look worse in a bikini than me" i just. i'm happy with myself. yay?
another thing to go along with that point. with all the cards and stuff from pwatt and jeff. and elly and eric. and yearbook stuff. i feel really good about my insides too. hahah. like. people really like me. and care about me. and are bummed that i'm leaving. and they learned from me. that's just mind blowing. people learned from me. haha. sometimes i just feel like the freak who either is in a crazy amazing funny poor decision making psycho savannah or the sulking cutting crying moaning groaning quiet sad savannah. and the fact that i feel like there is no middle makes me feel worse.
but people learned from me. and love me.
i don't know. it's a confidence boost. and i'm going to try to remember that when i feel poopy.
i talked to haleigh. we hung out this one night. we went to the golf course and laid down on one of the hills. she told me how bad she felt about "dumping" me so often. and how she did it for her spirituality or whatever. but she still probably shouldn't have dealt with me that way. and blah. and i was like. i just don't want to befriend you again and the same shit happen and me get left. and she kind of said ..i might do it again. not in those words. but i felt like she didn't want to commit to saying that she will never drop me again. oh well. i miss her. she's nicer now. her voice is kinder. it's weird how the two go hand in hand. it's like gentle now. ANWAYW;UASYS.
me and elly are goin' strong.
my mom has a job :)
dionne gave me money for college!
i'm going to watch tv now!
No comments:
Post a Comment