I wish we could have talked tonight.

Who cares.

MY ASS IS EXPLODING RIGHT NOW.

Tetris.

ifregginluvit.

Hookers and Cocaine.

I need help.

BWW

I don't know if Pearl's phone is broken or if she just doesn't text me back/at all. Actually, I take that back. I'm pretty sure she texted Matt or something and I saw that on her secret tumblr. IDON'TFUCKINKNOW.
It doesn't matter. I know she still likes me.
I just want to be in her company again.. I really really miss her. Really really. A lot. A lot a lot. Meh..

So..

Guess who wants to cry again?

I'm assuming no one has rediscovered this yet. If any of ya'll have just let me know. Please. I mean, it doesn't matter. I'd just like to know. Kind of.

I'm going to text Meagan, and Pearl, and Sam, and Hunter and I'm going to be a consistently good friend.
I've tried this before. It's hard for me. I'm sorry, guys. I have good intentions I swear. €
I'm lazy about myself too.
I think that I use to think to much. I'd think myself into an anxiety attack because of my death obsession and shit. I thought not thinking about it would help. And it has. But I think I'm not thinking enough now. I'm losing touch with people and myself.
Maybe.
Or maybe this is just how normal people are.
YEAH NORMAL DOESN'T EXIST WHATEVERRRR. You know what I mean.




Fuck it.

:)

Haleigh and I texted the other day because there is a middle school beach reunion bullshit going on today and I asked if she was going. The conversation ended with a smiley face from her.
UGH.

I have therapy today. Too much to talk about.

I have mega sunburn. I have mega period. BOO.

I think I'm going to hang out at the library all day.

I feel like crying.

Haleigh.

Get out of my dreams. I accept that we're never going to be like how we use to be. I have closure. Leave me alone.

"I heard a lot of people call Bruges quaint, and while it did feel like an open air history museum to me, there's nothing quaint about living among history, grappling with the gifts and insufficiencies of your ancestors. To live in Bruges, is to be reminded everyday there were people before you were a person, which of course reminds you that there will be people after. I think we owe both the dead and the not-yet-living the same thing: the daily awareness that human life is ours only in trust. It's worth remembering that seven hundred years later we don't remember the individuals that built the belfry, or dubbed the canals. We don't remember their political affiliations, or nationalistic identities. We remember them as a collective, just as we ourselves will be remembered as a collective, for what we did, and what we failed to do, together."

John Green

http://youtu.be/tVvAE8ZM24o

I have a lot to talk about in therapy tomorrow. It's been two weeks.. 

We;re drunk.

i haye it.

FUCK YOU ALLLLLL.

Dishwasher.

I have my job training/tasting/meeting everyone thing this morning in about fourty minutes.
I am so nervous. Oh my god.
I think I have nervous poop.

A reason why withdrawing was a bad idea.

I am socially isolated.

In Boston I felt alone because there were so many opportunities around me to interact with people but I wouldn't leave my room for days. I felt like this college experience was passing me by. I was wrong. Everyone was making friends and I wasn't so there must have been something wrong with me.

Here, It's actually kind of similar. I have friends here. This is my home. I grew up here and know way more people than I knew in Boston. But, I'm not close with anyone besides Hunter and Elly physically. I rarely talk to Pearl but still consider her the only other close friend I have.
Everyone else is someone I can get along with. Most of them are people I kind of like but if we ever talked more than we usually do-
I started saying something like "I know we wouldn't agree with each other and I'd feel awkward and mad."
That sounds kind of.. assumptive and like I'm just making excuses.
But honestly, I've learned shit about these people I once knew and they're fucked. up.
I talked with Hunter in the car and he said, "Instrumental is a lot more fucked up than I thought." I agreed with him. On the outside we look put together but on the inside you'd be surprised. The opposite goes for the visual artists haha.
But I mean, we're all fucked up. Most of us are faking that we're fine. And that's fine.

I need to get better at faking it. That's how you get confident. By taking a risk and faking like you're confident then people support you and reassure you and then you become actually confident. Maybe that's how it works with happiness.

I'm becoming closer with my cat. That's good, right?

Power just came back.

I just read that Michaela still blogs here. That's cool.

Shuma Recital.

Fuck.

Dreams.

This past week my dreams have been so vivid that when I wake up I still feel like I'm in them. I'm not sure if I did something or if I dreamt it.

I had a bunch of dreams tonight but the one right before I woke up was about Haleigh. We were in a grocery store but it was almost like a pool too. We were just walking around and I was like "Have you eaten today?" And she said no and I made her eat something because I was worried about her and then as we were leaving we were doing cartwheels and flips underwater and then I hugged her and she hugged back and I was like "Same time tomorrow?" And she nodded and then we left. And I woke up and I wanted to cry.

Marlee Matlin Lost.

BUMMER.

My face is pimplier. WHY. I've been pretty consistent with my face washing! Maybe it's because I'm a sweaty mother fucker. I just want my hair to be pretty again. I wouldn't even mind if my acne got worse haha.
I mopped and cleaned the floors. I don't know why. I want my mom to be happy. We went to pizza plus afterwards. It was perfect.
I hate having therapy once every two weeks. She said it's because she's going on vacation or some shit but.. I think she might be trying to see if I'm okay enough to see her not as often.
My parents divorce still isn't over. LOL.

My mom has a thing with not putting drinks on the floor in front of the couch because it leaves a sticky ring. We don't have a coffee table. So! I put it on a coaster thinking my drink would be okay and she was down with it but then I spilled it everywhere. By the time I finished cleaning it up and apologizing I was out of breath. I don't know if that means I overreact from mom disappointment or I'm really fucking out of shape.

Shuma's recital is tomorrow.. Gabby Potter is going to take me there.

Alaska let me hold her hand today without biting me and she closed her eyes. Progress, right?
I love that bitch.

I could eat buffalo chicken nugget/boneless wings for the rest of my life. Those and fries. So healthy...

I don't think I'd like L.A. Noire. I think I'd like a game like Dead Space though.. Maybe I'll play that.. I watched iJustine play all of Dead Space 2. I can just play the original.

You wear way too much makeup.

I've been watching a lot of news. I've been listening to more newsy radio too. I had to stop before because I'd get anxious. I think I can handle it now.
I like Samantha Tanner. I think she is real. Down to earth I guess. Now that I think about it more she's kind of like my mom. Yeah.. Weird.
I feel detached right now. There is very little I care about right now.

Sun May 22 9:46PM

Elly has a lot of stuff to do before she calls me tonight. So, I thought I'd distract myself on here. I'm going to start phasing myself out of tumblr. Probably..

I thought about my wedding tonight a lot. It was stupid. I'm embarrassed.

I hung out with Meagan today. It's stupid how nice she is. Haha. No. But, really..

Alaska and I were playing today. She was attacking my hand and I just gave in. I let her bite me and claw at me. She was really confused by it all.

I'm really really tired.. I've been tired for about an hour now. I don't know if I can stay up much longer.

Sorry this is a stupid list. I'm rusty on straight up blogging.

I think Pearl:Tumblr::I:Youtube. Except I don't really participate in youtube. I just watch. I'm a voyeur. Weird.

Hunter makes everything good.

Harold Camping:God::I:Hunter

BACK TO MY ROOTS.

lol h8ing tumblr moar & moar errydai.