newfrand.

maybe you're suppose to make my life better. maybe god or whatever is out there was like hmm i'll make her life suck beyond belief but i'll give her a good friend her senior year in high school.
i mean this is not to hate on my already amazing friends. but you don't know how nice it is to have a good friend in the same city who is not a boy and will lay in a playground at night and talk to you about clouds.
maybe we're suppose to teach eachother things. you're so positive. stupid positive. maybe that's what you're suppose to teach me. and i'll teach you to not make the same mistakes i've made haha. god..
OVERANALYZATION.
i need an alarm in my head to go off when i start thinking too much.

i hate when i shave my legs and then theres like three crazy long black hairs i missed. FML.

i like elly.


i like practicing popper. it makes me feel more precise in life.


i like the weather today.


i like my mom.


i like fucking with leon.


i miss pearl.


i'm kind of regretting quitting half moon.


he is still an asshole.

THERAPALOOZA 2009: SUCCESS!

yesterday drained any emotions i've ever had out of me.
you know how we have those ups and downs over the weekend pearl?
yesterday was like 1013945 ups and downs in one day. it was so exhausting.
my contacts are about to fall off.
Good things that happened:
someone walked through the halls with me today and talked to me
i did the best in my class on my ap gov test without studying
i kind of felt better about my situation with my dad
i ate a lot.
i made symphony.
i didn't talk to caleb.
i set up a lesson with dionne kind of.
i got to talk to my real therapist and i came out feeling powerful again.
Bad things:
i missed one question on that test. an easy question. am i always going to miss one question? always be one away from something? almost the best. that's how i feel all the time. like some underdog. not in just one competition but seriously.. in life
i had to spend way too much time with my dad today
i had to talk to him
i cried more than i ever have in therapy
the new therapist would gasp and say "oh my god" when i told her about the other things in my life.
i don't understand theory four.
caleb is a fucking asshole.
he thinks he's so amazing. i fucking hate him right now. i'd love to slap him. if i ever get the opportunity..
katie was an asshole today. have a sense of humor..

dr. carol said i was overanalyzing the caleb shit. i really needed that. i think i might start to not think about it. hah like i can control that. right now it's filled with thoughts of hate though.
god i hate him.. he thinks he's so much better than everyone.

today will be good. or i'll crash and burn like the other days.
another appointment with dr henderson soon.. he gives me the pills..
we're already running low on money.
how can we pay for dr carol. dr buidrionos. and dr henderson. and the pills.
do i really need that much help?

i hate telling people about my suicidal thoughts. it puts everyone on edge around me. leave me alone. isn't it normal?

nothing is fair

my parents. my dad's parents. my mom's parents. probably their parents. parents of my friends. my mom's friends marriages. my friends. 50% of marriages end in divorce. i feel like i'm on the bad end of that percentage. everyone i know is either getting a divorce or is unhappy or having an affair. fuck that.
relationships are stupid. after 18 years of marriage people can divorce eachother and hate eachother and cry everyday because of that person or have an affair.
it's bullshit.
why do we put ourselves through this?
i loved him. i trusted him completely. some thing i never told ryan i told him. things i would never tell anyone. he knew me more than anyone. but it's funny.
he knew things i've done and thought.
but he could never put them all together and understand me. it's like you learn all these equations in math but don't know how to use them. you've memorized them. but you can never put them into practical use in life.
he never really understood. but that's a hard task to ask of someone.

i want to walk to richmond. that would be good for me.. exercise. outdoors. a project to put my mind to.
like that will ever happen..

I LOVE MY MOM.

jus' sayin'!

logorrhea

so obviously you are a constant thing on my mind.

but now you are getting spat out into conversations that would be better without my statement of loneliness.



"i like peanuts"
"YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LIKE PEANUTS!? CALEB. ON OUR LAST DATE TOGETHER HE GAVE ME A PEANUT THEN HE SHOVED ME ON THE PAVEMENT FOR ME TO BLEED TO DEATH"
"oh.. cool."

There was this one girl in middle school. Shelby. She would ALWAYS do that. But more with secret things. like some girl would be talking about sex or something and shelby would go yeah like ashley over there not being a virgin. and we would all be like dead silent with our eyes wide in disbelief that her mouth did that. she would just cover her mouth with the same giant eyes and say something like oh my god guys.. i mean.. oops!

i guess i don't get this because i think SO MUCH. so i think before i talk a lot. so sometimes i'm just quiet.



i really want to go back to richmond. it's stupid though. i'll be there for the weekend. then i'll just be shoved back into all this shit again.



sometimes i think back to figure out why i was so depressed before. and i know it started off with my parents. and my therapist would always say you bottle up your problems until you overflow. but really.. what problems did i have? just parent stuff. i think it was so terrible. because i didn't have a reason. i didn't hate someone or my parents or love someone so much and then they leave. nothing i could just stop or leave or do something like that. i hated myself. i hated myself so much. it's not a reason i could have a solution to. it was just this state of mind i was wrapped up in.

but right now. i am not depressed. i am just. in the process of getting over someone. with a lot of more important things happening to me. but this stupid relationship is my number one priority.

i hate being conscious of something but doing it anyway. that's so stupid to me.

i miss pearl. i hate being so far away. all i can do is talk. and all i can say is words. which have been said before. and rearranged before.

i'm stuck here with happy people. which is probably a good thing. but i try so hard to be a happy person. and i can do it sometimes. but other times i just end up cracking.

it's like i work really hard on making one of those plastic bubble zorb things. but an opaque one. and i work to make it more opaque as the day goes on and then someone sees through it. or breaks through it. and i lose it. and i'm naked.

fuck it..

like vioooolleeeennceee

Not sleeping is the worst.
I woke up around two. texted patty. did college stuff.
Listening to blink 182. like.. the right songs. makes me really happy.
then again. the other right songs reminds me of all this shit and makes me feel really aweful.
but right now i'm feeling very rebellious and happy.

I want a sleeve. Now that i'm free again from another boy. I want one.
I just have this image of me older. playing cello in a sweater. giant crazy gray hair. same piercings. maybe eyebrow. no shoes. performing saint saens or shostakovich concerto. with a sleeve of tattoos. and happy.
that's what i'm looking forward to :)
stupid i know

I guess I cried because. Usually when I get to GSA my fake smile is painted on with so many coats it's solid.
But somehow in an hour. you chipped it all away with ease.

how is that not scary?

i love you.

I want to talk to him right now.
Well i'd rather him be physically here right now. But that is less likely to occur.
Haleigh texting me was the last thing i thought would happen today though..

I cried today. I wrote him a note today. I talked to Dionne today. I wish all the things she said I could feel. I wish i didn't have to learn things the hard way and easily take others advice.
cliches:
everything happens for a reason.
everything happening to me SUCKS. what could possibly be the reason? for years things have sucked. when will it get better?

live everyday likes it's your last.
that's just.. really impossible. If it was my last day on earth. I would hang out with Caleb no matter how awkward and no matter how much he would suffer. I would say my peace to my dad. I would do something for all the people who helped me and i loved.
I don't know. that's just a little bit of what i would do.
maybe you're saying. well savannah you should do all those things! live everyday likes it's your last.
but i know it's not. i have to go through the next day. of caleb reminding me to not get my hopes up. to go through my dad being upset with me or not understanding or "understanding" and replying in a business tone with business vocabulary.
life isn't fair. but it's being extra unfair lately.

plan b!

okay so the previous plan of reacting didn't go well..
he had a headache and was absent today! I wanted to see if he was okay.
we discussed quintet and his head for a brief amount of texts then i said something like i don't want to bother you i just wanted to wish you well good night caleb.
and he said thank you see you in theory nite. or something.

that was fine right? very mature conversation.
plan b:
talk to him on a very mature, irregular basis.
SEE HOW LONG THIS LASTS!

React

That's all i'm going to do. I'm not going to start the conversation. I'm going to just obsess on the inside. Bottle it up!
I doubt he'll start the talking though.
But.. he has moved on. I need to be mature and civil and whatever other bullshit.
No ignoring. Don't say anything mean about him. Just react.
I think that's a good plan right now.
Not even friends. Just people who when they run into eachother act polite.

that's good right?
I think I can keep all my creeping on Kendall and Caleb and everything on the DL.
I think I can.

communication.

we're talking.. that's good right?
i have no idea.
someone tell me what to do.

comparisons.

haleigh: lost friendship because of christianity-->caleb
ryan: made me change for him -->not as much but caleb
dad: "don't hate her hate me"--> caleb


why do i keep doing this to myself? i need to be more choosy with my friends or something.. i don't know. that sounds horrible. but really? same mistakes.. nothing i can do about my dad.
caleb didn't say that but i thought of it.
i loved as deeply and selflessly and truly as i could. and i get shit in return.
i loved ryan. i will still admit it. yes he was a really realy big asshole. but when he said he never loved me. that hurt even more. not that i don't want to hurt him. but. i just did okay.
i loved caleb. he was afraid of my red journal. which is silly. but honestly.. all i wrote about concerning him was how afraid and paranoid i was of him cheating on me or finding someone better than me. he flirted so much everytime he was like that with a girl i'd write it down and build some nightmare of him leaving me for her or him secretly talking to her. which ended up happening.. i caught him once. god that was aweful..
"well, i haven't graduated yet :)"
that killed me.
i mean we left eachothers previous relationships for eachother kind of. so.. why not me too? i always thought that. i was so afraid.
and it came true.

i don't feel as good as i did yesterday. maybe because i'm probably going to see him today. i'm afraid. i'm always afraid. i hate that.
a year and a half. is that my expiration date for relationships?
ugh that's stupid to say.
whatever. i really hate myself right now.

can.

i can do this. no doubt in my mind when i say that. no need to repeat.
i can truly be strong for everyone now. i can take care of everyone now.
i can take care of myself.

free spirit.

"Youre too wild for me. too crazy. too "free spirited". too uncaring of your house. too rude to your mom. etcetera. and most of those arent things you should change. theyre just things i dont want in my relationship. thats it. and yes. christianity played a part too."

Another christian who doesn't want to be my friend. Why the fuck would I want to be a part of a some group who doesn't accept others and thinks of themselves as being some higher beings above everyone else.
we're all fucking people. we're all the same species. shut the fuck up. i hate fucking religion. i love my fucking mom. uncaring of my house?! really? that's why you broke up with me? really!?! what the fuck! cause i don't clean my fucking room? well went to your house ONCE. i went to your other house a handful of times. i met your mother ONCE.
i'm too wild? i'm too crazy? too free spirited?

watch what i turn into now. because that's was nothing.

I'm not blonde and blue-eyed like the rest of them.

you are just like my dad.

big one.

we will take care of eachother.
i don't want to scare you at all.
i'll never leave you if you promise to never leave me.
i am glad you are in my life.
you are not a bad influence on me.
you are my best friend.
i love you.

we can do this.

Yay!
the day has coooooome! hahaha.
I'm nervous too though.
She totally knows what her present is.
I am calm here.
I don't like being in the car though. That kind of makes everything even anxiouser.
Maybe cause i'm not in control? I don't know. I don't want to analyze myself right now.
HAPPY ALMOST BIRTHDAY PEARRRALALALALALALALLALLLLL!

sleep this pain away.

I hate crying and twitching at governor's school.
I hate crying in the bathroom and random people asking if i'm okay or if they can come in.
Twitching is the worst. it's so embarrasing. in front of everyone in da camera. then jeff was dissapointed. that just made me lose it. made me realize nothing will ever be fair.
hunter and elly distracted me.
that's always good. enough to hold on to till pearl comes home.
i can't believe i made it.
it feels like not too long ago michaela said just four more days and that seemed like forever.
i can't wait till they're back.
i can't wait to be free from home and school and everything caleb related to just be with them.
something to look forward to. something to hope for.
but then i think.. after this weekend? what is there to look forward to?

i just want to sleep all day. i really do. just lay in bed..

You are whole? ..shut the fuck up

All that confidence? remeber it? yeah it was nice. yeah you liked me status. yeah you were excited. i was too.

it's all gone. what the fuck happened?
sometimes it comes in small spurts.

it has gotten to the point where i have to repeat almost everything to keep me sane.

i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.
i write it in my notes. on worksheets. mutter it under my breath. have the words rotating in my mind. then it changes.
nonononononono. i can't. i need him. i need pearl. i need my mom. i need patty. i need. where is everyone? i'm alone. i can't i can't i can't i can't
the the point of i want to carve it on my chest. carve the words i can't. wouldn't that be lovely..
everything has to be repeated to sink in.
just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe. it's so hard. breathing is so difficult.

when i finally calm down after a while of crying or being scared or anxious. my whole body just loosens up and relaxes. it's the weirdest feeling. was i that tense? that all my muscles were flexed and my body was turned inward? was it that bad?

i know it's not my heart. but something in my chest hurts. something in there aches and feels like it's being pushed down against my spine or shoulder blade whatever is in my back. like there is a weight hanging on it. like someone keeps accidently stepping on my heart. more like accidently stampeeding like in the lion king.

nice.. depression to lion king all in a few paragraphs. that should be sufficient enough for an interesting blog.

I am whole.

You helped me so much last night. Your words got me through today.
"it'll be okay. just breathe, just breathe, just breathe"
I love Pearl.

Fuck up.

Anxiety attacks in my life have occured:
1. In the car ride home.
2. During Aural Skills
3. After calling Caleb.
4. In the car ride home.

FUCKKKKK. I can't believe this is happening already. I can't miss anymore school. I can't slip back into this. I need to be strong for everyone and myself. I can't do this.
God, I'm so anxious. I can't breathe. My whole body is tight. My chest is tight. God..

Help me.

Elly.

Symphony. Jeff. Dionne. Elly. Eric. Rally's. Playground. Talking. Listening. Learning. Beginning. 1AM. Driving. Sneaking. Uncaring. Alone.

What do I have to do for you to start caring about me?
Let's fucking find out.

Spill girl, spill.

I feel like I came to their house dying. I feel like I was given an extra push so I could go on a little longer. I did nothing completely amazing either. It was just being with them. Being with good people. It does wonders.
Such a positive environment haha. Dr. Warren would be proud.
I'm starting to keep to myself more. Which is what I wanted. I pretty much only tell Pearl, Michaela, Patty, and Dr. Carol the honest to god truth. It's kind of sad that these people don't live near me or is an adult who I can only talk to by appointment. Caleb was my person that I could tell everythingeverythingeverything to. I was always afraid to talk to him though for fear of judgement. So, maybe that's good we aren't together. That is not a good thing. But to me. He is still the closest to perfect I've ever had.
To be realistic though. I am seventeen. I will have others. But to also be a realistic teenage girl who just got her heart broken, it fucking hurts and I don't give a shit about the rational view.
All in all.. spending the night with Pearl was really good.
My dad is just an issue I don't know how to deal with and don't want to deal with. I know I need to talk to him but right now I just want to tackle other problems. More news about him later. I just. I can't even type about him. Just thinking about it makes me so anxious.

Suck my dick.

that is all.

downhill.

Shittiest high school in the world, three classes with my Caleb, argue with Caleb over text, sit in my dad's empty house, dinner with dad then therapy.

perfect!

notgood.

"Why don't you say I love you?"
"WHY WOULD I? we broke up remember?"

I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.
We're never going to get back together.
He wants to be friends.
I can't even look at him.
I have every class with him.

FUCK.

Everyone saw the band aid and knows why it's there. I don't care.
Jeff, Dionne, and Dr. Warren have asked if they need to talk to me. I can't say anything.
Caleb doesn't love me anymore and will not get back together with me. I love him.
My therapist says it's basically impossible for us to be best friends right now. That killed me.
She's right.
Two people acknowledged my existance today. It made me happier than it should.
I didn't make a speech today. I got a lot of praise on the performance.
My dad goes on trips with his girlfriend instead of spending weekends with me. I'm alone.
He wants to know what he's doing wrong and says he feels like he's failing me as a father. He's right.
EVERYTHING FUCKING SUCKS NOW.

Just have to suck it in. Be a good cellist. Be a good student. Be a good friend. Be a good person. Be a good ex-girlfriend.
Just ignore it. Don't talk about it. Ignore it. Ignore him. Don't talk about it. Keep it in.

People don't want to be with me. My own dad doesn't want to be with me.
F.U.C.K. H.I.M.
I hate him so much. I hate how I forget about this feeling of total disappointment and total.. just fucking betrayal and pain and loneliness. Why does he do this to me! Why do I forget shit so easily and just act civil to him. He doesn't deserve that.
Caleb doesn't want to be with me either.
All these people I care about so fucking much. The kind of love that will not go away no matter how much I hate it. The kind that is there even though it hurts and is just so unconditional.
I thought they were my only allies in this mess.
Who's next? Just leave now. Please.

I broke the promise, but since you broke up with me.. what's fucking stopping me?

It was stupid. But good. Bad place. Bad timing. But so good. I've deserved it for a long time now.