mmm.

zach,


i suck at replying to you. but if you give me savanna's email address, i will not suck at replying to her.


i would love love love to talk to her get started in this crazy string world. feel free to have her email me anytime with questions.


also. we haaaaavvve to play together this summer. i get back the middle of may. lets make this happen.


cool.


han



On Wed, Mar 10, 2010 at 3:58 AM, Gorilla Strings wrote:

Hannah,
Crazy question for ya. There's a girl who plays the cello (quite effin well) in Virginia. She doesnt know quite what to do with herself. Conservatory or college or what not. She is 17?
I thought you and her might be a great "match". Your older and do what you do ... but, you remember that feeling too.


If its cool with you I wanna pass along your info so you two can talk. She's a hell of a player, and she is right up your alley.
And she is thinking commercial music, on the cello. So...yea.


Let me know if your interested? Sort of a mentoring thing?
www.gsarts.net Thats her school. Doing every thing they can. But, I still think a conversation with you might do even more.


If thats o.k. let me know and I will pass along this e-mail to her.
--Zach



today was weird. only 4 in ap gov. hamlet test ass kicking. hamlet soliloquy kicked my ass. picked up elly ate most of a triple whopper. got into berklee. had senior prep outside. had dinner with dad and elly at carrabas. walked around greenbrier calling my mom trying to get inside my apartment for an hour. blisters. owl city. jeff. weird.

berklee.

Congratulations Savannah!

On behalf of the president and the board of trustees, I am delighted to announce your acceptance to Berklee College of Music as a candidate for the bachelor of music degree, September 2010, fall semester.
A new door has opened, and a new chapter begins in the pursuit of your life's passion. Your acceptance to Berklee College of Music is a privilege reserved for those we determine have what it takes: to be, rather than to seem to be.
Your experience at Berklee will be rich and filled with possibility. In preparation, I would like to share some traits that will be fundamental to your success in this challenging environment:
A pioneering spirit and boundless thirst for knowledge; willingness to explore new musical horizons; openness to the creativity around you; passion and focus; respect for your peers; and a professional attitude toward your work.
These are the qualities at the core of Berklee's success, the essence of who we are. They resonate with our community and are mirrored in our creative diversity.
Only you can determine whether you are ready. Ready to contribute to the legacy and the legend. Ready to thrive. Ready to question. Ready to lead. Ready to fulfill the potential that is so evident to us.
We have opened the door. Now it's up to you.
Yours in music,
Damien S. Bracken
Dean of Admissions

BUT.

Dear Savannah:
The Scholarship Committee has completed reviewing all admitted candidates for scholarship consideration. While we have every confidence in your ability to succeed at Berklee, the unprecedented level of competition in our admitted class means that we are unable to award you a scholarship at this time. However, this decision does not preclude you from receiving need-based funds from the college. We encourage you to visit the financial aid section of our website to learn more about financing your education at berklee.edu/financing.

We wish you all the best in all your future musical endeavors.

Sincerely,

Tod P. Oliviere
Director of Scholarships and Student Employment
Berklee College of Music




so.. yeah.

it's pathetic i blog whenever something happens.

fixing things two at a time!

1. old friends-> regular friends.
2. going to school.


i can handle those two things.

kim cook CANNOT remember me.

Dear Savannah,

How are you! I enjoyed seeing you at our Carnegie Hall concert!! I am so glad you and your mother were able to attend!!


wtf. i didn't go.

oh, hunter.

i love you. please don't think such things. i'm just not happy right now. and i haven't been at school. and i haven't been on the bus. and kevin hates me. hah. lot's of things going on. i'm just really overwhelmed. (i'm not really sure what i'm overwhelmed with i have nothing going on) and. i'm getting better. and me and you will be better. i promise. i promise hunter. things are just really weird right now.

sucksucksucksucksuck.

"how many days have you missed?! haah are you going to fail!?"

i have missed around 8 A days and 7 B days? maybe more.
this isn't something i'm proud of. i don't think it's funny. it's my fault.
last year i didn't even miss that many days. i missed 7 in one class. that's it. even when things were the worst. i only missed 6 in each class last semester. how do i miss so much?

strange blog moods.

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS.

this picture made me jizz.

i love little hunty with all my anus.
i think it's really interesting what he's saying about how people think about eachother and yeah. i guess you just have to keep trying to present how you feel about yourself through your actions so people can get the better picture.. like the picture above!


i stayed home from school today. because i was tired. and sad. and i felt like i would cry on the way there and throughout the day. i hate crying at tallwood. i'm just. so weird lately. i have NO REASON to feel upset. none at all. but. one day. everyone left for breakfast. and i was alone in the hotel room for about an hour. and i just sat on the ledge of our window. my legs dangling outside of the building. i was holding on to the side of the window for dear life. because i thought if someone would walk in i'd freak out and fall. it was only two flights down to this like secondary roof part. i'd be fine. hurt. but not dead. but. i just thought. everyone walking down there. has no idea that i'm hanging out of this window. posed and ready to possibly do something really bad. then i thought of the reprecussions. 'teen girl commits suicide on high school trip to new york'. i wouldn't. but i thought weird things. these are the things i think about. this morning i wanted to cut myself. this whole day. but.

oh, today i talked to haleigh. on skype. it was weird. i got like kind of sweaty and nervous for a second. she's always made me uncomfortable. she was my really close friend for a while. but even during that time she made me nervous. i felt this way like 10x worse with marlowe. i couldn't be around her for too long she made me so nervous. that's when i realized that i probably had a thing for haleigh. that's probably why her shitty treatment of me made me feel extra bad. and i extra wanted to be her friend. sometimes i think that's why i never had sleepovers. i did a few times. and each time i felt uncomfortable. in p.e. i always changed in the bathroom. i don't know. sometimes. i don't know.

dr carol can't fit me in until april 26th. i'm on the cancellation list until then.. it sucks. can i last? what's the point.. i'm leaving soon. my new health insurance covers mental health really well. i don't have a limit on my visits. which is nice. my other one had a limit of 30 with dr. carol. i can't believe i only had around thirty appointments. i'm sure it was more. i had a lot of emergency ones. like at night and after they closed. i'm afraid of cutting again.

i'm afraid. that's the best way i can describe myself lately. i like elly though. pearl gives me hope. hunter brightens my day. i

penn state is giving me 16,200 in aid. plus the 6,000 from the music school. it's like around 41,000 to go there. soo. around 19,000 left. that's good. i guess.

jeremy got around 36,000 from u of miama. that's crazy. there's is like 3,000 left for him. his situation is way worse than mine though. my dad does pretty well.

money is so stupid. but i'm not sure how things would work otherwise. it's not like i have another solution.

that's all i have for tonight. i'm going to go talk to elly. she's so important to me. that girl is so important. katie asked me what the worst part of the trip was for me. it was when i tried to hold her hand and she pulled away. i'm glad things are better. i can't lose her.

jealousy

i am. going to ask to go to therapy again.
how weak. i will probably go back on medicine. i am afraid i'm on the road to break down.
i am afraid. fuck. i won't run out of appoinntments proabbly because i'm leabving in august. unless i go crazy amounts for emergencies like last timme.
i just haven't been feeling good lately.
the window in our hotel opened all the way.

exhaustiionnalsdkf

reading pearl's tumblr makes me.. misty. i worry about her so much. especially the day she called me. waiting in line to get on a ferry to go to ellis island constantly checking my phone and crazy security people telling me to get off. she only calls when it's bad. same with me. i just. hate how she keeps getting new dates. until this time. until i'm 18. until summer. ;laskjdf

so. new york. it was sadly. average. maybe i'm just sick of everyone and high school and shit. and my friendships are slightly unraveling at gsa. at least with the seniors. i don't know. i don't care really. i hate to be like one of those "ionlycareaboutmygirlfriend" people. but. it's turning into that. chanel was being fucking obnoxious. chris cardelia was too. but. he is sweet and has good intentions. chanel doesn't. jason agola is awesome and cute and funny. his sister.. well. jeremy is great! my girls in my room were really nice to me. samantha is soo.. self loathing. it's sad to watch her beat herself up. gabby is crazy for her boyfriend which is cute. since i'm going through similar things. and katie is katie haha. she's great. i got some cool stuff. saw cool concerts. got in a arguement. elly let loose on caleb. i got to sleep with elly one night. that's all i can think about.

i really like elly. i could live with her. also. i can't wait until stupid school is over with. i'm really really sick of it. i have some regrets towards college. i'd like to know where i'm going. haha. someone let me know soon haha. alaska's birthday is soon.

i'm tired.

NEWWWWWYOOOORKKK! CONCRETE JUNGLE.

i am in ze hotel. and it's cool. and the end.

LOL. xanga and open diary quotes.

"so the deed is done. karl and savannah is officially over.
he was suprisingly REALLY okay with it on the phone. like. totally unphased by it. whatever. hes either a great faker or seriously doesnt care haha oh well. i dont really care if its awkward. if he hates me i dont care i still got mah other GSA friends. not like im totally alone without him.
like that irraplaceable song hahah
i butchered that word man.. how do you spell it?"

first gsa report card
"theory B+
aural skills A
music lit A
piano for non majors A-
computer composition B-
symphony orchestra A-
chamber orchestra A-
audition prep A
ap cello A"

"-katie and i got made fun of by stuckey y sam cause we have our own language and talk really fast."

"GSA is so fun. AND SO HOTT!! jesus. its roasting in there! hahaha
aural skills sucked. we are learning solfege which is like "do re mi fa so la ti do" and i suck at it. :( i hate singing. its embarrasing hahah
piano was okay. i actually had to learn somethign and work on it. but it only took like..half an hour hahaha which is a long time but like the other half i had nothing to do."

"kay so then chamber i had to borrow goose. who is my friends cello.it was fun to play a different cello. new expierence haha
i did pretty good. but people made fun of how i pluck cause i pluck like a guitar and thats apparently
"weird""
"me katie, and julie created a licking club. because we are weird. hahaha cause once i asked if katie has ever licked a bus before and she did. hahaha. and julie and i figure that pearls cello tasteslike bitter coffee beans. hahaha. im the president of the club"


" dont want to get married Saturday, October 21, 2006



im scared.
me and my mom argued this morning.
i was saying how the past couple holidays have sucked cause theyve been fighting and she was like weve been having problems only for the past two years sorry that your mind doesnt rememeber before 2005
and im like only two years?! thats a long time! and she was like im sorry you really hurt my feelings.
so i felt bad
and she was like
when i was little i just wanted my parents to get a divorce so the fighting would stop do you feel like that?
and i was like. no and she was like be honest with me! im honest with you!
and so i was like yes! okay? i did before but its getting better so i dont know. and she was like well i just dont want you to suffer because youd have to go back and forth and i dont want you to choose between us and im like it would be better then how it is now. and she was like i want you to have a better life. when you married i want you to be happier then i was and have a better life then i did. and im like. so if your not happy why are you married?
we started crying.
the shitty part was that we were listening to happy christmas music in the background and we were crying."


"it was alright.
people had boy problems.
and katie asked if i had lost it yet.
not so much.
she was like
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR STYROFOAM CUP YET!? hahaah
and then we continued to joke haha and i dont know. nothing special today.
tomorows a recital! i mean im not gonna play but other people are and we get to miss audition prep! yay! so yeah. im excited. i love recitals. i wanna play in one. i kinda need a solo peice though.
i really want to play this one peice called prelude suite number one in g major by bach
check it out there.

its gorgeous i really love it."

"haha i got eighth chair out of twelve at GSA theres four freshman including me.
katie got fourth
mikey seventh
me eighth
ian twevlth"

"im going to juilliard and no one can stop me hoez.

so thurr"

"i really dont wanna type anymore? so. i hate my cello teacher." (mama frifri)

"i got there and my buddy ian was leaving nad im like..he looks fine. it must be cool. and my teacher wa ilke..creepy quiet you know? and so it was scary. and she made me play scales i sucked at and she was writing down all this stuff like stuff i needed to buy/work on and i showed it to my friend marshall and hes like YOU CANT DO THE C SCALE?! and im like shut up!! (the c scale is the easiest its no sharps or flats)
IN BETWEEN: i called monica all freakin out from my lesson and bout to cry "

"(I HAD PIANO CLASS YESTERDAY AND I ALMOST CRIED BECAUSE HE MADE ME PLAY BY MYSELF TEN TIMES AND MADE ME KEEP PLAYING AND READING THE NOTES OUT LOUD. IT WAS SO EMBARRASING I WAS ABOUT TO CRY)
so we got there and i was all bouncy and it went to music theory one. and i learned that cellos have to play and learn all the notes in all the clefs. which sucks asss. so i got nervous cause im not good at it. i think i got it though..it just takes me awhile.
then i went to audition prep. jesus..the upperclassmen hate us and give us such a hard time. then one did the etude (prepared peice for audition) and it was gorgeous. so powerful and they were criticizing her like she wasnt that good and i was like if she wasnt good i must be shit. and we did scales and i was AWEFUL i dont even know all my scales. im so nervous. i dont think im going to audition for senior regionals itll be pointlessi wont get in. i really wann be in all state orchestra. maybe senior year when i actually learn my scales and different clefs. so im freaking out. everyone was so scary was so scared.
then we had orchestra. ninetyfour kids. including brass section. wind section. percussion. and strings. full orchestra. we didnt have enough chairs and stands and it was SO crowded. and the music turned out to go WAAAAY faster then i thought it did and i was SOOO bad it was embarrasing i wanted to cry cause ill never learn how to be that fast or learn fingerings for those notes. and i was always in someones way with my huge case. and they always told me to shut up.
so then i pretty much almost cried there. but i couldnt cause it was school and i was stuck."



HAH.

xanga.com.

i use to have one. hahaha. it's completely embarrassing.
i can't sleep.
elly's pretty.
i had a dream that my dad had a séance. i've had this before but this time it was scarier. eric was like.. the medium. it was weir.d

bubbledreams.

blogblogblog.

it feels like i have boogers. but i don't. so frustrating.

yesterday was weird.

and long. all these days have been so long.

i'm tired. ready for new york. a;lsdjflksd.

this might actually work.

Hey Savannah!

It's Gary Spell. Hope things are good for you.

When you played at my church you were saying that you were hoping to pursue some pit opportunities and one has crossed my path.

I'm gonna be playing for/conducting a production of Godspell that is scored for rock band and cello - cool, right? Anyway, the shows are the last weekend of April and the first weekend of May and are in the big theatre at Regent University.. I don't think it pays anything. Anyway, are you available or interested?

Thanks for getting back me on it! Take care!


Gary Spell

i have to miss the bernstein mass but.. that's okay..

failure.

when i don't go to school 'cause i'm anxious or crying. or whatever.








and there is no reason for it.

you've protected me from so much hurt. thank you

what does that mean. who is that. what.

i almost said something like. i'm sorry. sometimes i think people should go through some hurtful things to learn from them or for the happys to feel happier. i don't know. have some experience? a lot of people i know that haven't really had really bad times in their life aren't as mature or empathetic. and that's not like saying that about everyone. AND. how do i know everyone's life? so. kind of a bad generalization. but! meh. my opinion.


but. i kept it simple.
i hate formspring when it's anonymous. i hate periods. i'm ALWAYS on my period for the GSA trip. even all state. no matter what "trip" i'm on it.

SUCK IT MAMA NAY NAY.. ture.

samantha.

she's trying to be my friend. and it's so.. refreshing. to not have to work at something. and have someone try to be MY friend. COUGHCOUGH.
speaking of COUGHCOUGH she was annoying the SHIT. out of me today. ohwell..

cramps.

pearl.. meh. i don't know.
i'm so frustrated with myself.

elly's cool. we're cool. things are cool.

i love this memory shit. good things.

-My first real memory of you is me waiting for the bus and you being like "YOU GOT A DONK."
-Savantha (Darn you Mrs. Watters).
-spirit of norfolk when mary freaked out "you like Savannah more than me cuz she's so artsy cool!" hahah
-the bffffjff book
-those three days where i cried more than i have in my entire life. and our lives sucked. and i got such a bad sunburn on my ear that i got blisters and oozed on your pillow. but. you were there. and we took care of each other. BEST WORST 3 DAYS EVER.
-birth.
-and you are not Filipino.
-I was standing there awkwardly and then I saw you. you shrieked when you saw me and gave me the most enormous hug and I was a little freaked, but it was really nice! I think you may have been the first person I talked to at a GSA thing.

i feel like elly's teacher didn't like me.

when i dress up. ish. i feel more confident. and happy. and it's stupid. but true.

reflection.

that was suppose to be a really short blog about college.. uhhh.. hahaha. whaat is wrong with me.

college thoughts.

yeah, a good chunk of why i want to go to vcu is pearl.
but. what if pearl leaves. i mean she's going to eventually. my senior year pearl won't be there. like this year. maybe. i can't rely on that. but i want to. what if she doesn't play cello anymore. what if i end up hating it. what if i think "what if i went to PSU"
a;sldkjf.
i mean i do like a lot of other things about vcu. but living with pearl and going through college shit with her near would not be a bad thing at all. and she gets it. and she can help. if things.. go bad again. and.d i ca nhelp her.

now i'm anxious. this is why i hate when people set up hypothetical college situations.
"SO WHAT IF YOU GET INTO ____ BUT NOT ______ WHERE WOULD YOU GO?"
elly tried doing it last night. i was like.. please. just. no. i don't want to do that. i don't know.



lately every blog entry has ended in a not good feeling. last night's was good. the only exception. like obama. in gov whenever we learn something usually obama is the exception hahah. all presidents are white, protestant, rich, old. all presidents used federal funds for their campaign. all presidents were not obama.
i don't know how i ended up there.

elly said a lot of nice things to me last night. she said writing a book about me would be easy. she said the things i say are amazing. and that i'm a character. and. i asked her how she would start it and end it. because i tried not too long ago. and that was way too hard for me to figure out.
she came up with it in a second.both things.
she likes me.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.

i think the same thing sometimes, hunter.

1. REMEMBER.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
you da you da best

i appreciate you so much. the fact that you would come to my house at 12 in the morning after a concert just to make sure i was ok, means everything. you barely had a plan, but you came and slept with me anyway. and thennnnnn you have to walk a THREE HOUR walk just to get back to your house in time to sleep before a THREE hour performance later in the afternoon....i mean, come on. who does that? who is crazy enough to even consider that? well, youre not crazy, but one of the most caring people i know. and the fact that you did this for me, makes me feel...well, cared about. im sorry for even making you worry. i cant make up any excuses for what i did, but im sorry that i even put you in that position. you dont deserve that, and i never want to scare you like i did last night again. never again. i cant promise that i wont fuck up in the future, just know that i do promise to never fuck up with my intention to hurt you. i love you babe. and thank you for being there.
Posted by whathappened at 6:59 AM

2. THE REST:
it's weird to think that. i slipped out of elly's window, peed in a park, tried sleeping in a playground thing, walked home from lynnhaven, and played an opera all in one day. and it's onlike 6:30 THE NIGHT IS YOUNG. haha ima pass out tonight girl mmm. shoo.
today was an okay day. this morning wasn't pleasant but IT WAS FOR LOVE. hahah. so eetzcoo. i'm just sooo tired. and kind of don't feel good. drinking ginger ale to settle my stomach!

2a. when i was five, one night i started violently vomiting everything everywhere. (the first time i threw up and the last time until i was 16) i'd eat a popsicle. BOOM. chinese food. BOOM. anything. BOOM. so i went to the hospital. and they wanted me to drink some ginger ale and i was like WTFNOOO!!! and my mom was like. "give me a minute" and the doctors left. and she said. "savannah, this is special soda. this will go inside and fix your tummy and make you feel all better. there's medicine in here! it's SPECIAL. SODA." (she did this many times afterwards. i didn't like turkey i liked ham. she called it white ham and i started eating it. now i hate ham.) so i was like well, damn. special soda? SHOOT IT IN MY VEINS. so i ended up just drinking it and yeah. ever since then my mom calls it special soda and i say MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMmm..

2. i like elly. and pearl and hunter. it's weird how i always resort to saying that when i have nothing to say for a second. it makes sense. it should be said every now and then. i don't know. i can't wait to go to new york. and do the cross. and. and. SUMMER. i want to see pearl more. i don't want to be like restricted by a week. a busy week. mehh.. or shitty week. 3 MONTHS. SUMMER MEHH.. i'd also love to figure out what college i want to go to. that'd be nice. get my berklee letter. rejection or acceptance. i just want somethin'.

3. GINGAHS KICKIN' IN. I GOTTA POOP.

three hours.

walking from elly's to my dad's.

cool.

buddy.

i have been in such a weird mood lately. i thought i was fine. but i'm realizing something's off.

i'm not sad. just. not happy.

this morning was kind of.. shit. but.

i don't know.

running out of things to write. i'm not interesting. not that i ever was.

this whole thing is full of shit.

now i feel down. askld;jfalksdj.

i like pearl's band thing. i wonder if her and hunter hung out. i feel stupid around hunter. i feel stupid around everyone. i'm so insecure.

need to get over that. i guess.

the more i type the more i feel like shit. i give up.

ghsdfadfhjkgfdsdhjfjkgkfh

Silverman has stated she does not want to get married until same-sex couples are able to. She has also stated she doesn't want to have biological children to avoid the chance that they might inherit her depression.

everything. 5 times including the title.

i've been feeling really reclusive lately. like detached and just. ughh. from everything. including cello. sadly enough..
UGHGHGHHG.
i know i'm passionate. but right now everything is just. i don't know.
maybe i'm spent. all this college shit is ending. opera, festival, all state. it's all over. i'm used up. like a salty hoe..

i just feel apathetic about everything. everything. jfakldsjfasld
this year needs to be over. i remember thinking. OH GOD SENIOR YEAR DON'T HAPPEN. NOOO. but now it can be over. i want to have already made a decision and have summer. fun. shit. and then go. well. going can wait.
where do i want to go?

still don't know..

fischer.

opera sucks.
fischer treats us like shit.
i'm tired of it.
glad it's my last opera.
fuck this.

WAHHH JUST WANT TO TALK TO ELLY.
whenever stuff sucks. like i'm crying or mad or annoyed. i want to talk to or be with elly. it's like when little kids want their moms.
not to say elly is my mom.

okay this is getting weird.

dreams..

i had a dream i made out with amish people of both genders. and then i woke up with a split lip.

ummm. ouch.

HAM.

To be or not to be– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And, by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep
No more – and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to – ‘tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th’ oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th’ unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.—Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered

$$$

Dear Savannah,


How are you? I have some good news about scholarships. You should be receiving a letter soon that informs you of your scholarship of $6,000 for the School of Music at Penn State. I hope that this makes if possible for you to attend Penn State!


Best wishes.


Ms. Cook

that's 37,000-6,000= 31,000

i got 1,800 from VCU.

that's 4,000 (no room and board, no meal plan)-1,800= 2,200




mehhhh..

thoughts?

being more open v. being more private



also.


equal opportunity v. equal net result

bleh.

that's how i feel.
seemed out of it. then i got anxious. then i was scared. then i gave up. then you gave up.
sjdkfajds.
i constantly have to poop. this. is. a. problem.



"everything was fine.."
"yeah.. it was."

ughughhghhg.

i have to poop.

what if i start seeing my therapist again?
i keep wondering that.

hopefully i can get an appointment today. for not therapist. um. last night was good. actually yesterday was just generally good. i felt the same OMGSUMMERGAGA. but. i do that a lot. because i listen to her old stuff. well. not often. but enough to have the summer nostalgia.

christ.

i don't wanna talk about anything.
things are gonna be better. i'm going to be a good friend. i'm going to be a good girlfriend. i'm going to kick life's ass. i'm going to help my mom continue kicking life's ass. i'm going to get healthy.

i'm going to..

okay..

caleb friendship is back on.



let's see if i can not be an asshole this time!

WHY IS MY BODY SO WEIRD.

please just be this.

unhappy butt.

"Being always overavid, I demand from those I love a love equal to mine, which, being balanced people, they cannot supply."

so. i really believe that for myself. that i expect some crazy love back because i'm crazy love people. well certain people. and when certain people show they're love for me somehow. in a text. in an email. a message. or in real life. i save it in my brain. and try to remember. so when it's really bad. i remember that people do care. i lock the texts. i copy paste it on to here. because i like. look back at my old blogs a lot. and see how things are different. and stuff. a lot of people say that what's in the past is in the past. and that's a great way of thinking sometimes. but it really doesn't apply to everything. at all. like there's history. the class at school. and we just. learn from our mistakes. everything we've done. someone in the past has probably done. probably not shit like the inventions. but like. social things. loving someone. sneaking out. drinking too much. getting wrapped up in a love triangle. people have done that. 100 years in the past. 100000 times. anyways. i kind of got off track.
i was trying to lead up to. something awesome happened last night. and. it made me really happy. and realized that i am loved. the end.

I HAD HOMEMADE MACARONI LAST NIGHT WITH MEXICAN CHEESE. MY TONGUE LOVED IT. MY BUTT DOES NOT.
but that's cool. to be expected.
pearl will be home today. i'm not really doing anything today. i think that's good though. i don't know. i was going to frantically try and make plans with people. but that stresses me out. it's stupid but it does. if i had a car. it would be easy. but the whole ride situation is bullshit.
and i would be like. ANYONE WANNA DO SOMETHING TODAY?! on facebook. but i always get people who. i would really rather not hang out with. hahah. sooo. nvmz..

my face is really clearing up. and i'm really excited about that.

yesterday i was getting to frustrated in orchestra. it's like my standpartner is in his own world while he's playing. he goes on autopilot. and it sucks. there's no good way to tell him wtf are you doing? hahah. i try. god knows i try. i'll say shit like. hey, that's only three beats so try and not hold it longer than it is. or like. try using a shorter bow here. YOU SUCK. ya know. things like that. and then everyone around me is like playing a beat later. and i'm like struggling to stay on the beat. but when everyone around me is. it's like next to impossible to stay right and then i fuck up and look like i don't know my music. but i do. GOD. i was just telling elly. i had to do college audition shit. and all i worked on was college rep. and i have da camera, and i have hrcp, and i have fucking. life stuff. like. i don't want to say MY LIFE IS HARDER THAN YOURS LEARN YOUR MUSIC. but. imean. i can truthfully say they don't have college stuff going on. and that's a huge load they don't have to carry. a lot of time. so.. i mean. just a few minutes each day on a passage. that's it. i'm not PERFECT at it either. but. at least know the fucking notes. or follow along when you don't and play in the right spot when you do know what's going on.
enough of that.

me and elly got in my mom's car after school and she was like. i'm crying a lot today. anything will make me cry. so i'm just warning you. if you walk in the room and i'm crying really hard it has nothing to do with you and blah blah blah she went on forever.
thoughts:
really? with elly in the car?
that's nice of you to warn me. maybe this is a good thing?
nonono. why can't you just keep me ignorant of some things.

speaking of that. this guy told me some shit. that i really really. don't want to know. i could have figured it out. but. gah. thanks a lot..
just like my mom. they mean well. but. i don't want to know.

gabby gave me something of her dad's. it's weird since i've been thinking about him lately. it was so nice of her.
"this was one of my dad's tapes,
thought you might enjoy it
am i correct in thinking you have a tape player??
god, i hope so.
my dad loved you, i love you.
have a nice day girl!
aretha is a supa-sta!
(i'm kind of a fan)
-gabriela potter"

i like hunter. i like pearl. i like elly. and some others.
end.

my contact started withering.

i like elly. more than you know. any of you.
i'm really bloated. maybe it's the bloatedness talking.


nah.
she's cool.

fischer is a dickhead. a lot of people are.
these two guys were dicks to me at tallwood today :(((((( WHAT ELSE IS NEW. i don't understand. when i'm a dick. it's because someone did something to me first. this just doesn't make sense.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck people.
HUGSANDPOOPS.
SAVYSAV.

okay, i like my hair now.

I'M EXCITED TO WEAR SHORTS. MAYBE.

hunter said something nice. i really. hm. how do i say this. i really respect his opinion. but that's not enough. it's like jesus saying you're pretty. haha.
that's a little too much now.
somewhere in between jesus and nothing. hahahah. i sound stupid.
I JUST THINK HE'S AWESOME OKAY?!

it's just. i feel like i'm the worst person at communicating and dealing with people. and for someone to say that i've taught them. maybe with my errors? haahh.
i'm just always saying. i hate myself. i hate this. no one likes me. everything sucks. no one would care if i would just disappear. and for someone to say i've influenced them.
i mean that's all i'm trying to do.
that's what being a musician is. influencing. touching. making them understand you're interpretation.

i must be doing something right i guess..



i'm playing this for the senior recital :)

march 10th.

went basically okayish kind of.












got my hair cut.
SHOCKING NEWS. OHAMYGAWEDAD.FASD.

everything makes me cry.

so much work was put into this over that summer. i miss patty and stuckey. all the rehearsals at my house in my living room. at livy's and then dinner afterwards and going in the pool. gabby's dad staying during rehearsals. giving us tips. saying everything in italian. recording us. he was our biggest fan. livy's stupid amazing things she would say. the eventual breakdown and hate for the music after overplaying haha. god. amazing.
i can't believe jeremy just emailed the composer after hearing it at a dance cross. and we perform it 100 times. and then marcelo zarvos emails jeremy and says it sounds great and congratulations.
our senior class i really amazing. everyone in their own right.

used the word "i" 65 times.

i don't feel good. it's not just because of one situation. things that. use to happen a lot. are happening now.
i should just talk about my dream..
i was in penn state with my mom. we were watching this musical theater production of people in a pool. patty was in it. and noel. he had the lead. patty never talked to me. then we went to get some coffee or a milkshake and elly called. she said she was just at penn state and bought a milkshake. we get there. there is a bass in a case and a notepad of notes there. flight of the bumblebee. i realize someone left it there. so i take it and carry it around including my own school stuff and cello. some how. and my mom left me. so i went to go looking for her. and i had some of danielle's stuff. so i gave it to her. when i saw her in the street. i don't know.

not really interesting.
i wanted to see what jeff emailed me back. but he hasn't. that's the only reaosn i'm up so early. it's a b day. so.. feel dumb. plus i'm still waiting for my vcu letter or email. god.

i don't like the person i am right now. i'm obnoxious. and mean. i need to chill out. and i use to think. that wasn't me. i am this big personality. i need to stay true to it. but i can without being an asshole. i just need to figure it out. i just don't like who i am right. i don't like me. i don't like how i suck at talking to pearl on a regular basis. i don't like how i'm so concerned with what i wear. i don't like how i don't play cello like i use to. how i don't practice like i use to. how i don't have lessons like i use to. how i don't take shit seriously. i mean. god. i do! but. not enough. never enough.
i started thinking about unattainable goals. how we all have goals. little goals. make the soccer team. get into college. skydive before i die. but without a truly unattainable goal. we'd never be happy or push ourselves in life. we wouldn't have a purpose. mine is to be perfect at cello. i guess. not the best way to word it. but i'll never do that. no one. jeff has said it's a work in progress and it always will be. but. that is so. awful sounding. never reaching a goal. andknowing that you never will. but i do it because it makes me happy. but it' snot like i touch the instrument and i'm happy. i touch it and it frustrates me to no end. and i sound like shit. i sound like shit. everyone knows it. no one thinks i'm good.
i need to talk less. listen more. i need to listen more. i need to be more aware. i need to. fight the urge. resist.
i want to write a book.
but i can't start.
i've sat down to start writing it. but. i can't. i could write the middle and the end. but not the beginning. i don't know what to say.

i'm a mess.
i'm afraid you'll leave me. if i don't shape up.

jeff said if then statements cause us to be unhappy. we shouldn't say i'll be happy when this happens. we are naturally happy people. like three year olds. they are always jumping around and they cry but then soon get over it and forget it happened. if we keep saying i'll be happy when this happens we won't. we should be happy with the present.
i've been trying to catch myself. stupid.
maybe i should go back to therapy. most people i've talked to have either lied to therapist, hated it, don't take it seriously. just. i feel dumb for liking it so much sometimes. i feel dumb going there.
i feel dumb. i am dumb.
i have a B in oceanography. and an E in english. my favorite subject. i have an E in. so stupid.
i need a better vocabulary.
i can't keep saying stupid.



fuck.

remember this. people care about you. remember. remember. you aren't alone. remember.

Hi Saknunu,

Just wanted to say hello and make sure everything is OK. I know we all have days where we are quiet, but you seemed unusually distant today (while still managing to lead so much of the Sibelius from your chair- thanks for that). If there's anything I can do, please let me know. I know it's a tough time of year. Just remember, your life is incredible now AND later. Embrace it for all of it's immeasurable worth. You are incredible too.

Jefalalalalalapolous (it's sort of like Filipino and Greek).

dream segments.

sitting in some fancy french restaurant with katie.
sitting in my living room with elly looking through a giant dresser of all the notes i've ever written starting from freshman year. looking for one to read to her. but most were to caleb. i picked a katie one.
WTF KATIE.
what else..
i was smoking a lot.

that's all i remember.

today. i am. i don't know. something needs to change.
i'm going to cut my fingernails.
i'll report back if that does any good..

agreed hunter.

today was weird.
i guess i need to get over things. i'm stuck with it. and. concering the second point of business. i want to be his friend. but you said it before. i let things get to me. and. i just need thicker skin.
i think i was born with like. no skin hahaha. gotta grow it. gotta maintain. gotta make it thick like a standin' ovation.

made no sense. but. the song came to mind.

lauren likes me:) that's really awesome.

wait. wait. wait. what?!

Lauren N. White March 8 at 5:56pm
hey
so i'll skip the how are you or are you ok because that was kinda obvious earlier today. But, i hope you feel better. and i'm sure you've had a lot of offers to talk, but here's another. so i googled pics to make you smile and i picked this one http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4475392/smile1-main_Full.jpg, so i hope it works....anyways, yeah. see you around.
lauren
i.ehow.com
i.ehow.com
Share

wait what.

Mannes would like to offer you an alternative.

We know that you wish to study at Mannes College and regret that intense competition for the small number of openings in your instrument precluded admitting you to the College Division for the 2010ג€‘11 year. Weג€™d like to offer you a different opportunity at Mannes: the widely recognized Extension Division Diploma Program.

If you apply now to the Extension Division Diploma Program, your application will enter a pool of preferred applications. Your application will ֲ beexpedited, as your CD and other application materials will be obtained from your College Division application, saving you the need to resubmit any materials.

Also, we will waive our $50 application fee.
The Mannes College of Music Extension Division Diploma Program offers serious music students an opportunity to study with our high-quality conservatory faculty and additionally benefit from the resources of New York City and New School University.ֲ

The Mannes College of Music Extension Division Diploma Program:

*Offers an opportunity to study music at the college level in the heart of New York City.
* Features a curriculum comparable to the College Divisionג€™s undergraduate degree program. In fact, many Extension Division faculty ג€“ performance and academic ג€“ are also members of the Mannes College Division faculty.
* Delivers the benefits of New School Universityג€™s student services, including University Housing, Financial Aid, Student Health Insurance, and International Student Services.
* Provides an individualized curriculum suiting your musical background and professional goals.
* Leads to success! Many of our students pursue rewarding careers in music or successfully prepare for entrance into Mannes College Division degree programs.ֲ

To submit a preferred application, please email me at RussellR@newschool.edu so I may forward more information to you. To learn more about this opportunity, and how it will help you reach your educational goals, visit www.Mannes.edu and click on Extension Division > Diploma Program. Donג€™t delay ג€“ there is limited space in this very popular program.

We look forward to hearing from you!

Best regards,

Richard Russell
Assistant Director, Extension Division
RussellR@newschool.edu



P.S.ֲ Act now to submit a preferred application for our entering Fall 2010 class!

dream segments.

sleeping in guidance office.
dionne throwing concert in the rain.
beyonce, shakira, pink were at that concert singing.
lady gaga movie.
seeing elly at the movie theater.
seeing elly's real dad at 7/11 and him beating me up.
going to the hospital. that was the scariest part.
my mom made me.
i laid on the table. then it started moving by itself. and i was going through like the labyrinth of the hospital and there were faces on the walls. terrifying faces. then i started to see white blotches and i was trying to fight it off. it was the doctors coat. i was waking up. i had all these sensor things attached to my head.
the whole time the table bed thing was moving all i could say was. can i go now? can i go now?

ugh.. :/

neckpain*10^123456789 power.

yay talking to pearl again.
playing cello with aaron.
b days
giant burritos without beans
cool pieces of wood.
open fields.
dangerous adventures :)
seeing an all city program with elly and my name on it as first chairs. along with others.
katie and gabby talking
elly posting!
march. kind of.
getting noticed
being recognized for preparing college shit and all state shit and concerto competition shit.
and everything i've done this year without cello lessons. all on my own :)
nay not getting my vcu letter yet.
neck pain
embarrassing undies.
cuts on my fingers.
playing out of tune.
dionne not calling me back after penn state voicemail news. or patty.
hrcp
not playing in tune
not living with elly. haha. i'm not even sure if living with her would be enough haha.
never satisfied.

self conscious.

i feel really insecure right now. i don't know why. let's explore that.

yesterday. elly stuff. we took the prom pictures :) gah. i love it. i felt insecure walking around in my outfit. i really liked it. and got compliments. but. i don't know. i hope i looked confident. or acted like it..

olive garden was slightly weird. caleb taking command over the the group. something i usually do. i just felt like. why compete.. why try. i did a little. but it all seemed futile.

it's bad. but i was looking forward to a prom without caleb.

i danced. i like dancing. another thing i'm afraid i look stupid doing. i felt stupid taking pictures. i felt stupid. not stupid. that's the wrong word. uncomfortable. kind of.

which is weird for me. i'm not usually like that.

but. there were really good moments. i should focus on those. i hope you guys don't think i had a shit time. i really had an awesome time. it was great.

good moments:

-taking pictures with elly at prom.

-when hunter asked to take a picture with just me. i was like ;kdlsajf;sldkfj hahah. stupid.

-compliments i got on my outift. "savannah! you look.. sexy!" haha.

-cheese ravioli.

-dancing with elly.

-dancing with elly outside under the stars.

-vacuuming

-mrs watters.

-getting the prom sign!

-getting accepted into penn state

-being with elly when that happened.

-holding elly's hand.

the sleepover went well. but once again. i wasn't completely comfortable. well. i mean i was in some ways. i told gabby and katie. like. my inner thoughts. i've been trying to be more private. but i kept things like personal things private. i did. but i just talked about like my philosophies on life. life things i think about. i don't know. stuff like that.

katie asked me a lot of stuff about eric.

gabby and i talked about caleb.

it was a little. unsettling. but anything pertaining to caleb is.

gah. i hate that we talked about him so much. i. don't. want. to. talk. about. him.

ask me about elly.

i could talk about elly ALL NIGHT. she likes rearranging her room. her dog's name is charlie. i think he should be named soda. she makes this noise when she's frustrated with me and it's so endearing. i could go on and on.

talk to me about good things.

WEEEEE ARREEE THE CMAPIONSNSNSNSNSNS

SUCK IT. SUCK IT LONG AND HARD.

PENN STATE LIKES ME.

bad influence.

um.

1:18 LAWL.

just listen.

sweet dream or BEAUTIFUL NIGHTMARE.

ugly nightmare. caleb. crazy serial killer. rapist. torturer. escaped. hiding in random people's apartments.



on ze run!

:)pstate.

Dear Savannah,

How are you? I enjoyed seeing and hearing you again for your audition. You played beautifully yesterday, and I was impressed that you had memorized all of your music. You play with a wonderful full sound and with passion for the music. I have forwarded a strong recommendation for your application, and we hope that you will be able to join us next year. Scholarships will also be determined soon, and I have given a positive recommendation for these as well.
Please let me know if you have any question, and please send my best wishes to Dionne!
Sincerely,

Ms. Cook

tyra show.

women who go after married men. are FUCKING SLUTS.
what if they have fucking children? you fucking homewreckers.
fuck you. fuck you all. that is so fucking fucked up.


god. what is wrong with people?

UPTOWN GIIIIRL.

i always check hunter's blog first. idon'tknowwhy. in my internet plan.







i'll talk about p-state later.
but. right now. i'm really happy.
i had the best phone call with elly last night ever.
-zeus smiting her eyebrows off
-butt cheeks juicing oranges
-so much more.
i was crying. i was laughing and crying and drooling and the drool and tears were mixing together.
and i called her when i was at a gas station on the way home
"hey"
"hey butthole :)"
then i had an awesome dream of her getting shot twice in the torso. and we were laughing in the ambulance.

she's all mine.
i know this is something i could potentially regret saying or like look back and be like ":'(" but.




we can make it next year.

penn state audition day.

i woke up and kind of got a jolt of fear. which hopefully won't be becoming a usual thing. it just hit me i'm auditioning for college today. i should be more. nervous right?
not really.
i haven't gotten into a college yet. but. i don't know.
i'm watching fox news right now. they are about to air a performance of "hillbilly moan". hahahaha. amazing..
i don't like driving in pitch black west virginia snowy winding roads. i like driving in places i'm familiar with and sunny normal roads hah. gaaah. i might see patty today. interesting. i'm hungry.
yesterday was really good. i'm really happy with elly.
really happy.
EMAIL ME VCUUUU.
elly pointed out it always snows when i'm gone haha. that's.. awesome.
it's weird thinking back to how close me and patty were. we hung out all the time. i felt like a part of her family. i still do when i go over there. i wonder if she'll awkwardly ask me about elly again haha. i almost lived with her when i was depressed.
I'M HUNGRY.
i think i'm going to run through my audition stuff. that sounds productive..

mom.

does depression go away?
OH! PFFT. OF COURSE IT DOES HONEY! I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN I WAS.

i mean. i agree but. you still are mid cry when i call you. you still lay in bed all day. i still want to. i have no choice. i cry. i twitch. i have the sinking feeling. it's not as bad. but sometimes i think it just like. the eye of the storm right now. or not as steep of a fall. it's just a slow not steep fall. like i'm just going straight but slightly downward.
i don't think it goes away.
she said her mom was depressed. and her mom's mom was depressed. four generations! i fear for my daughter..
she said i need to be careful. giving me tips.. like it's a disease i have to keep under control. i already have enough of those. she said i'm fragile and sensitive and need to take care of myself.
i know that.
but god.


i'm so anxious right now. that's the only reason i'm talking about all of this. also this happened a few days ago. so it is relevant.
ja;ksdjf. i know my teacher is just going to yell at me and it'll be like.. 1 hour and 50 minutes of poop. but. what if i cry! or twitch. what will all my asshole classmates think? what if i want to go home? what if i can't make it through the day. what if i miss a bunch of school again. what if i can't graduate. what if i don't get into vcu. andrew k is afraid he won't. if he is. i better be. what if my penn state audition sucks. kim cook wants to have a lesson with me afterwards. what if she yells at me. i'm afraid. i'm so afraid right now. not a good place.
i wish i could have a button that would send one of my friends to me. like an elly button or a pearl button. i'd press it. and they'd be there. and i'd be safe. just someone being here with me. i feel alone. i have to fight it alone.
not good. not good.


i'm going to penn state tonight. no blog tonight probably. or tomorrow. unless i'm not too tired. :/
this helps. it really does.
usually..
not now.
i'm just going to be polite. i've been practicing.

"hi, whenever you find the time, could i get the work from the past two classes?" crap. i have to mention my missing notebook and book.
um.
"hi, i've lost my book which had all my worksheets in it, ...
god.
fuckit.

hamburger helper.

leaving for penn state tomorrow.
did really good at gov and eng today.
felt good at gsa. then it went downhill. bus i felt weird.
i'm still hungry.
i have english homework. ughh.
ahs;dlkfj..

weird. not good mood.