this picture made me jizz.
i love little hunty with all my anus.
i think it's really interesting what he's saying about how people think about eachother and yeah. i guess you just have to keep trying to present how you feel about yourself through your actions so people can get the better picture.. like the picture above!
i stayed home from school today. because i was tired. and sad. and i felt like i would cry on the way there and throughout the day. i hate crying at tallwood. i'm just. so weird lately. i have NO REASON to feel upset. none at all. but. one day. everyone left for breakfast. and i was alone in the hotel room for about an hour. and i just sat on the ledge of our window. my legs dangling outside of the building. i was holding on to the side of the window for dear life. because i thought if someone would walk in i'd freak out and fall. it was only two flights down to this like secondary roof part. i'd be fine. hurt. but not dead. but. i just thought. everyone walking down there. has no idea that i'm hanging out of this window. posed and ready to possibly do something really bad. then i thought of the reprecussions. 'teen girl commits suicide on high school trip to new york'. i wouldn't. but i thought weird things. these are the things i think about. this morning i wanted to cut myself. this whole day. but.
oh, today i talked to haleigh. on skype. it was weird. i got like kind of sweaty and nervous for a second. she's always made me uncomfortable. she was my really close friend for a while. but even during that time she made me nervous. i felt this way like 10x worse with marlowe. i couldn't be around her for too long she made me so nervous. that's when i realized that i probably had a thing for haleigh. that's probably why her shitty treatment of me made me feel extra bad. and i extra wanted to be her friend. sometimes i think that's why i never had sleepovers. i did a few times. and each time i felt uncomfortable. in p.e. i always changed in the bathroom. i don't know. sometimes. i don't know.
dr carol can't fit me in until april 26th. i'm on the cancellation list until then.. it sucks. can i last? what's the point.. i'm leaving soon. my new health insurance covers mental health really well. i don't have a limit on my visits. which is nice. my other one had a limit of 30 with dr. carol. i can't believe i only had around thirty appointments. i'm sure it was more. i had a lot of emergency ones. like at night and after they closed. i'm afraid of cutting again.
i'm afraid. that's the best way i can describe myself lately. i like elly though. pearl gives me hope. hunter brightens my day. i
penn state is giving me 16,200 in aid. plus the 6,000 from the music school. it's like around 41,000 to go there. soo. around 19,000 left. that's good. i guess.
jeremy got around 36,000 from u of miama. that's crazy. there's is like 3,000 left for him. his situation is way worse than mine though. my dad does pretty well.
money is so stupid. but i'm not sure how things would work otherwise. it's not like i have another solution.
that's all i have for tonight. i'm going to go talk to elly. she's so important to me. that girl is so important. katie asked me what the worst part of the trip was for me. it was when i tried to hold her hand and she pulled away. i'm glad things are better. i can't lose her.
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