unhappy butt.

"Being always overavid, I demand from those I love a love equal to mine, which, being balanced people, they cannot supply."

so. i really believe that for myself. that i expect some crazy love back because i'm crazy love people. well certain people. and when certain people show they're love for me somehow. in a text. in an email. a message. or in real life. i save it in my brain. and try to remember. so when it's really bad. i remember that people do care. i lock the texts. i copy paste it on to here. because i like. look back at my old blogs a lot. and see how things are different. and stuff. a lot of people say that what's in the past is in the past. and that's a great way of thinking sometimes. but it really doesn't apply to everything. at all. like there's history. the class at school. and we just. learn from our mistakes. everything we've done. someone in the past has probably done. probably not shit like the inventions. but like. social things. loving someone. sneaking out. drinking too much. getting wrapped up in a love triangle. people have done that. 100 years in the past. 100000 times. anyways. i kind of got off track.
i was trying to lead up to. something awesome happened last night. and. it made me really happy. and realized that i am loved. the end.

I HAD HOMEMADE MACARONI LAST NIGHT WITH MEXICAN CHEESE. MY TONGUE LOVED IT. MY BUTT DOES NOT.
but that's cool. to be expected.
pearl will be home today. i'm not really doing anything today. i think that's good though. i don't know. i was going to frantically try and make plans with people. but that stresses me out. it's stupid but it does. if i had a car. it would be easy. but the whole ride situation is bullshit.
and i would be like. ANYONE WANNA DO SOMETHING TODAY?! on facebook. but i always get people who. i would really rather not hang out with. hahah. sooo. nvmz..

my face is really clearing up. and i'm really excited about that.

yesterday i was getting to frustrated in orchestra. it's like my standpartner is in his own world while he's playing. he goes on autopilot. and it sucks. there's no good way to tell him wtf are you doing? hahah. i try. god knows i try. i'll say shit like. hey, that's only three beats so try and not hold it longer than it is. or like. try using a shorter bow here. YOU SUCK. ya know. things like that. and then everyone around me is like playing a beat later. and i'm like struggling to stay on the beat. but when everyone around me is. it's like next to impossible to stay right and then i fuck up and look like i don't know my music. but i do. GOD. i was just telling elly. i had to do college audition shit. and all i worked on was college rep. and i have da camera, and i have hrcp, and i have fucking. life stuff. like. i don't want to say MY LIFE IS HARDER THAN YOURS LEARN YOUR MUSIC. but. imean. i can truthfully say they don't have college stuff going on. and that's a huge load they don't have to carry. a lot of time. so.. i mean. just a few minutes each day on a passage. that's it. i'm not PERFECT at it either. but. at least know the fucking notes. or follow along when you don't and play in the right spot when you do know what's going on.
enough of that.

me and elly got in my mom's car after school and she was like. i'm crying a lot today. anything will make me cry. so i'm just warning you. if you walk in the room and i'm crying really hard it has nothing to do with you and blah blah blah she went on forever.
thoughts:
really? with elly in the car?
that's nice of you to warn me. maybe this is a good thing?
nonono. why can't you just keep me ignorant of some things.

speaking of that. this guy told me some shit. that i really really. don't want to know. i could have figured it out. but. gah. thanks a lot..
just like my mom. they mean well. but. i don't want to know.

gabby gave me something of her dad's. it's weird since i've been thinking about him lately. it was so nice of her.
"this was one of my dad's tapes,
thought you might enjoy it
am i correct in thinking you have a tape player??
god, i hope so.
my dad loved you, i love you.
have a nice day girl!
aretha is a supa-sta!
(i'm kind of a fan)
-gabriela potter"

i like hunter. i like pearl. i like elly. and some others.
end.