breathe

1. i cried in my lesson because i'm not prepared for college auditions at all
2. i wore makeup for the first time in a long time last night
3. i cried it off
4. the party sucked. i'm so tired of high school. that made it more unbearable.
5. dionne makes me sad and hopeful at the same time
6. i think saint-saens will be great next week. i'll prove to everyone i'm not just an immature senior girl who yells and laughs stupid loud. when people think of me they won't just think that they'll think good cellist. like trevor or dara or andrew.
7. i had another panic attack last night. the worst one ever.
8. caleb and my dad just watched me for twenty minutes
9. it started off when you left. my jaw started shaking. like when you're cold. my teeth were chattering. then my body started shaking.
10. then when i got in the car with caleb and my dad. i started twitching.
11. then i started crying because it was scary
12. then i wanted to die
13. then i tried to talk but i couldn't. only caleb understood me. my mouth kept shutting. it was like stuttering normally but my mouth kept coming together and not opening.
14. i don't like being in the car while i'm having one. it makes me more anxious. i feel like i'm going to die.
15. i tried getting out of my seat in the car. i wanted to fucking jump out the window. anything but be in there.
16. every fucking muscle in my body was tense and flexed. i felt like i was being crushed. i couldn't breathe. i couldn't breathe at all. i couldn't breathe.
17. we pulled over and i fell on the ground. it was like when sailors get off ships and kiss the ground.
18. i just writhed around on the ground crying, screaming, attempting to talk, twitching, shaking, gasping for air, breathing heavily or fast and irregular,yelling.
19. it was like my tongue was too big for my mouth. ..it was a sight.
20. a little girl going insane on some guy's driveway while a middle aged man and teenage boy just watching.
21. then i stopped crying and untensed my body and just laid there. it was like i ran 100 football fields.
22. then i got in the car and went home.
23. i slept on the couch with caleb. and cried more.
24. i asked him out this morning while watching the parent trap
25. we're back together. it makes sense. i know i rush into things. i know i rush out of things. but. i love him. it makes sense. it'll be okay. things will get better..
26. i wish you would have talked to me last night.
27. that was fucking torture. fucking torture. i deserve it. i've said that. you know that. but oh my god it's torture. the party already sucked. and when i finally thought you were going to talk to me. you leave. and i turn into a fucking mental patient
28. if caleb wasn't there i think i'd be in the hospital right now. my dad kept asking if i want to go.
29. caleb told him i couldn't talk. caleb told him to pull over. caleb understood my blathering.
30. i wanted to die at that party. i haven't felt that way in a long time. i think i could have been hit by a car. like alaska. except not driving drunk.
31. i don't think my dad likes me.
32. i wrote you a note, elly. i almost gave it to you yesterday. i've written you a lot of notes actually. lately you've been so short with me and ignoring me. i guess it's like. i'm talking to you through them. i found something else i'd like to give you also.
33. 

i can watch a sunset on my own..

1. okay.
2. i use to go to the beach alone all the time. the movies. the mall. grocery store. everywhere. alone. even when i was with someone. it felt so good. it felt normal. i never understood why it was so weird to other people to hear things like that.
3. suspicions gone.
4. but.. i.
5. i don't feel good.

HALLOWEENMEMOREENS!

eleven.

1. Eric said when he read Looking for Alaska he thought of me as Alaska. Biggest compliment ever hah.
2. Eric let me read part of his journal today. October 27th 2009 he convinced himself that I was dead. He cried. He was scared. He totally thought that I killed myself for whatever reason.
3. I know everyone sees the scars on my arms. I'm so use to them they don't matter anymore. But it's weird how people I wouldn't even think to worry about me actually do because of them. I forget they're there. But they scare Eric to death. I don't know. they're like reminders that i can't let myself go back to that. and the first time. and the last time. and why. and who was there when i did it. and what i did afterwards. i don't know. i just feel like when people see them they think less of me. like i'm a stupid teenage girl who felt sad one day and just did it for attention. but people worrying about me? that's just a foreign concept. i'm not saying that i don't think people do. it's just like. my little core of friends i understand that. but people i don't talk to as much. it's strange to me somehow..
4. yesterday went well. everyone's friends now? it's weird how that happened so fast. a little.. suspicious?
5. i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate when depression is used for the word sad. because they are two completely different things. i only know like a few other people who have really felt the effects of it. i feel like a depression snob sometimes hahah. but seriously. they are so different. and it feels like people are diminishing the meaning of the word.
6. but then i think.. words are just words. they shouldn't have this crazy meaning. who gave words this crazy meaning? i have a sticker that just plainly said FUCK and so many people have been like uh.. no. why'd you put that on there? i just think it's dumb to care about it. but then i put so much thought into the word "depression" or "depressed" it's dumb. i'm a hypocrite. but so is everyone. it's inevitable.
7. i felt really sick last night
8. i keep having dreams of getting tattoos or piercings. last night i pierced the other side of my lip with a tack.
9. i hate that i'm teased at school. that i'm not brave enough to fight back. i've never been brave enough in regular school. gsa maybe. thats so messed up. why can't i be brave all the time?
10. i don't think i should apologize. because everything i said is really how i feel. and i have trouble saying that to you. maybe things will finally change.
11. i hate how all the worst things happen to me right AFTER i go to therapy. i get built up into this armoured invincible person and then get beaten down and drowned. THNXGUYZ.

worstnightinalongtime..

1. terrible daughter
2. terrible person
3. give me a break please..

notgoodnotgood.

i need to just let my mind chill out. hunter is right. i have 263489057 things on my mind and i can't go into a relationship with that.
i played the gigue for senior prep and they called it consistently anxious haha. i think that's a good way to describe me. well.. actually i'm pretty inconsistent. ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONSSSS.
fuckkk i'm so tired of it. seriously. i just want to go through today without thinking about any of that. which is impossible. but it's a good goal? kind of. not really.
i just want to speed up time. to where i'm friends with everybody and we laugh about this. that'd be nice..

omegle people i've talked to:
-marine who is in love with this girl but being deployed to afganistan
-chinese girl who is an english major afraid of guns
-british guy named james
-british girl named ria
-north carolinian monty
-and a buttload of pervs and assholes



me and dionne talked about lying in bed all day crying and how awesome it is ahahh.
i'm glad someone understands.

not feeling too good you guys.

ughghguhgughughughughuhgugh.
fuck :(
i actually feel physically sick.

just you and me little girl..

me and alaska are some single ladies. single is good right? i can do this right?
today was aweful.

chapter 19

never thought i would relate to that chapter of the book.
it's weird that it's my birthdate and favorite number.
who cares.. i'm tired of similarities and pointing them out. i'm tired of a lot of things. that won't change. like myself. i'm tired of me.
i'm really fucking sick of myself.
see, it's not like i hate myself. i'm just sick and tired of me.

oh and i forgot.

i've maxed out my number of appointments i can have insured.
so guess what the solution is!
my dad is going to put them on his insurance. but the only way that can be done is if he is a part of my therapy too!
so i will never have an appointment alone with dr. carol again.
therapy is going to end up killing me.
FUCK.

jesse lacey knows just what to say.

i found more ryan pictures on my dad's computer. not like that's a good thing at all but one day a long time ago i couldn't find any pictures of me and ryan. not a good thing. i hate this computer.. you're coming over today. i'll make this right..
i can't go back to that. i won't let myself. you had your chance. you rushed into it by asking me out. you broke up with me. you were controlling me. i've forgiven you too much. i haven't done anything. i can be happy. i need to stop trying to stop myself from being happy. i can't throw away someone amazing like elly. yesterday was aweful.
"how is the doubled dosage on your medicine?"
yeah my fucking pills.. i use to take 10 mg now it's 20. i don't understand how he can DOUBLE it without even seeing me. just one phone call from my mother..
i hate pills. i don't feel better or worse.
i hate this house. it always reaks of bacon. i hate the smell of bacon. i hate movie theaters. i hate steak. i hate my dad. i hate that i'm stuck here next weekend too. i hate that i am required to spend time with him. i hate that my mom calls me all the time. i hate that my phone is a piece of shit now. i hate that this five bedroom house that was teeming with life and memories is a shell of what it once was with some lone bachelor who use to be my happily married dad. i hate how the refrigerator is full of alcohol and not food. i hate that everytime i make a new tab the most recently visited website is porn. i hate that everytime i go in my dad's room looking for the nail clippers or something theres something fucking disgusting in there. i hate this place. it's fucking gross. i hate that grizzley is dead. i hate that my dad killed him. i hate that i hated him. i hate that i suddenly went into an angry rant all of the sudden. i hate that i don't give a shit.
fuck everything. that's a great new philosophy.
i'm just going to listen to daisy all day.
great mood for this day. awesome.
i hate that my mood can change from one paragraph to the other. i hate that people keep asking if i'm okay.
i'm not and and i never have been and i probably won't in the future.
okay.
that's a terrible word.
i need to shave my legs..

it feels like i'm jumping towards a train - Brand New

daisy

I went over to Eric's house last night to listen to this on vinyl. It was perfect. I just laid on his floor with my eyes closed. Then he got up and turned the music down and said,
"I don't want to sound creepy, but i'm really glad we're friends"
That's something I would say haha. It was refreshing to hear someone else but emotional and BLAHILOVETAHTWE'REFRENZ. I love Eric. He's a nice boy. Sometimes he annoys me. But he's always felt like a little brother to me.

I was laying in bed thinking.. this is my last year of high school. This is the last year of this high school for both parties. I could make.. a really big mistake. even if i don't choose. because i'll probably never see these people again after this year. or not for a really long time. maybe i'm being overdramatic. I'm just scaring myself. I'm really scared. I just want to listen to Daisy in my bed all day. Is that too much to ask?
Lately, that feeling is kind of coming back. Not the heart feeling. The random crying feeling. Like I could cry for days if i just let it out. But I have this feeling all the time now.. Just have to suck it in. Just breathe..

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

whoa.

run away.

i had a plan at one point.
it could still work.. actually it would be easier.
i'm a strong person though. at least that's what people tell me. strong people don't run away. strong people make decisions.
but is not choosing a decision? it doesn't seem like it.
incense reminds me of half moon.
i want to go back there.
please stop reminding me of ryan.

god..

lateforschool.

i feel weird. you were in my dream last night. we were in a huge house. it was me, you, and megan garnache. then somehow caleb was there. and he was like crying.. really hard. so i had to drive him. but i think i was drunk. i think we were all drunk. so right as i was pulling out of the garage in my mom's car. my mom pulled into the garage. you and megan were staying at the house. and i was driving him home. then once i got back. there were more people at the house. but i just wanted to be alone with you. i don't remember everything. but those were the highlights.

i'm just in a weird fucking mood. i'm going to try to write down EVERYTHING in my journal that's going through my head so i can see it on paper and like sift through it all and figure it out.

but seriously.. nothing is really going on in my head except trying to figure out why i'm not like super happy.

i don't knowwwwwwwwwwwwww. i say that way to fucking much.

i just don't want to wear pants.

is that so wrong? i have a strong urge just to walk around in a big t-shirt and undies. and i want my hair to be long and crazy as shit like this summer. when i basically had dreads starting to form. i want that. i want summer actually. but i can deal with pantless crazy hair.

i don't know what to write here anymore

i kind of feel like a little kid. in the past i've tried so hard to be mature. because my best friend at the time's only complaint was that i was this immature idiot who needed to calm down. so i've been trying to act my age or older. i thought it was going well. but maybe since i'm at the brink of "adulthood" i'm starting to get confused. losing my innocence. in sexual terms it's been lost. in terms of going through tragedy it's been lost. but something in me just feels kind of like a little kid with you. more and more people are calling me peter pan. is that a good thing or a bad thing? not wanting to grow up? i'm so use to these stupid long relationships and being familiar and working at issues and everything. something new. is new. and weird. just. uncomfortable almost. is this how every new relationship feels? my therapist talks about it all the time. how i want this familiarity NOW. i want to know all your secrets. be close. feel comfortable telling you everything. trust. as soon as possible.

so stupid.

because the people i should be closest with. the people who affect all my decisions one way or another. (god, we talk about it all the time in ap government) family. family. family. family.

i have no family. i always think of us as three separate islands. we are broken. beyond repair. i have no family. i am just me. no ties through blood. just my friends and teachers and other people. when i first wanted to kill myself. i was sitting in the bathroom at diehn (a favorite crying spot of mine) just screaming "i have no family. we are broken. it's just me. i'm alone. they hate me. i have no family. it's just me. i have no family."

maybe that's why i feel like a little kid? no paternal care. no normal childhood. not at fucking all. god, if you all knew..

but you won't. i think that's interesting too. i can't tell everyone my whole life story. i just can't. i'd love to. to certain people. but it's just impossible. you'll never know.

and honestly.. of all the people i've known. Caleb was the closest to knowing everything. but the biggest problem was he knew the facts. but didn't understand why. or how. or any of that. like memorizing things without knowing the importance.

I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind, I'm not perfect.

reaching the end of this dumb blog. i'm so afraid. i was pretty raw with my train of thought this time around (yeah savannah it's like a freakin' novel..) and it's like. "oh my god. now she's going to freak and be like 'oh my god this girl is a psycho with insane baggage. BYEEE!'" hahah. i'm hoping you won't be like that. i want to lay it all out there. and i think i did.

so.. fingers crossed you won't think i'm a depressed overanalytical freak.

which i totally am..

god.. so much for now knowing what to write..

hi

you don't have to be happy all the time.

sure, it's a nice goal. but that's unhealthy.
BALANCE, KIDS! BALANCE! if balance was a religion ahha i'd be up for that. no church or anything just focusing on being as closed to being balanced as possible. yes, even bad things. so unhappy times and happy times guys.
it was awkward at the funeral. sometimes i feel bad that i'm not religious and have no idea what to do with my hands or what to sing or repeat back. but then it's like.. i don't care.. all these rituals are kind of scary. it was strange the things that made me cry.
i cried more than i thought i would.
it was nice to drive to GSA with dionne. i missed her.
it was also nice to have extended elly time on the bus.
and to see pearly.
you really need to meet her. she's a big part of mi vida.
i hate my phone.
speaking of phone.. you're really getting on my nerves. just.. period. ending that train of thought.
god.. okay i can't just stop thinking about it. i want to be your friend because i want to support you through all this shit you have to go through because i do know you the best. but. i know its so hard to be around me now. and i can act normal around you but. it's different now that "you're not over me" such bullshit. even if it's true. just. full of hypocrisy and pissoffsavannahness.
suck it.
no matter what. i will see you everyday this weekend. okay? i will figure it out.
and to pearl: i will see you this weekend and hopefully have you see elly again.

hopefullyhopefullyhopefully.
hope is such a funny word.

i don't know

at the viewing. i cried. but then it all stopped. i was one of the few who left from my group who wasn't crying. i guess.. i've built up a thick skin. or i've cried too much already. or i don't know. maybe i'm thinking he was such a good person that he finished his job here. he didn't need to be here any longer. everyone else hasn't. that's what someone told me when my aunt died. she was an amazing woman. one of the few people i can say that was always nice.
also. whenever you start squeezing your way into my life again. shit sucks and gets more complicated. don't call my mom. who the fuck are you? like.. really? god.. i want to be your friend. but you make it so dificult. i hate that. i hate it when i have to try really hard to be someone's friend. that happens way too often.
i wish that i could have been there with you throughout the viewing.. i don't want to leave you on a bench crying by yourself. i'm sorry i didn't go looking for you. i just. i don't know. that whole time there was so.. surreal.
i don't want to leave you alone friday night. but i don't know how it would work..

i'm just really.. not feeling awesome right now and i think it's best to just focus on what's in front of me. focus on school. cello. i don't know. god. i just. want a break from everything. i can't handle all this shit.

everyday i'm beaten down by new things and somehow i'm expected to get back up and face the next day.
gabby can.

btw

every single time we're together

even if it's just for a minute or all night.. i wish we had more time :)

i took my senior pictures a few minutes ago. it was funny how they take things so seriously. the lady was like
"usually it's the guys who don't care. it's unusual to have a girl not care about these"
that's seriously all i kept saying.
"yeaaah i don't really care about these. i just want to get it over with.."
"WELL THIS IS IMPORTANT ALL YOUR CLASSMATES WILL SEE THIS FOR YEARS"
"no one really looks at it after their senior year.."
"you're right.."

HAHAHA. suck it lifetouch lady. suck. it.

PEARL MIGHT ACTUALLY BE HOME RIGHT NOW. TWENTY MINUTES OR LESS AWAY FROM MEEEEEE.
uhh today was an okay day. i like the cold.
i like the elly.

me and caleb are actually.. not hating eachother. well at least i'm not hating him. it's interesting.
we'll see how long this lasts. i feel.. not uncomfortable talking to him now. yay?

cutcutcutcutcut

god. i can't do this much longer.
i want to be strong like gabby. she just stood there her face raw from crying and waited for the oboe to play the tuning A in front of everyone standing tall and proud.
while i cry in the corner and it wasn't my dad.
while i have to deal with caleb for scaring elly and me.
while i have to get yelled at by my mom and feeling like the worst human being on the planet.
while i have to struggle not to dig into my arms.

she's amazing.
i'm a wreck.


i could stare at elly all day.

i really need you right now pearl. really bad. i can't wait for you to come home..

i need

elly to be with me all day not just GSA
pearl to live with me (or the other way around)
to be with gabby
to not go back to being depressed
to be the best girlfriend
to be the best friend
to be the best daughter
to be the best student

i had a dream last night that laila and monica and stupid tallwood sca assholes came to GSA and were trying to talk to me and be like
"hiiii my name is ;dklsfj what's yoursss? what grade are youuu in!"
I was just like i'm savannah 12th grade.. i've known you since elementary school..
then i saw elly and tried to talk to her but woke up
last nights sleeping sucked. more than usual
all i keep thinking is:
nothing is fair. this isn't right. they don't deserve this. it doesn't make sense.
i don't want to talk to fucking anyone today. if anyone gives me shit i'll fucking snap. i just want to go to gsa.

this world is fucked up.

Rest in peace John Potter..

nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair.
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nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair. nothing is fair.

i was doing so good..

don't let this take over savannah.
you are allowed to miss school and cry in bed all day just for today.
but no more.
then you need to go back to school. do you homework. paint on your smile again another day.
don't let this take over you again.

god i like her..

blossoming gay relationships

I think it's really interesting and cool that we're both in basically the same situation.
Yours is more difficult in some ways. Mine is more difficult in some ways.
But i like how.. i don't know. similar things like that just are really cool to me.
It's beautiful outside today.
I have homework.
but i want to do something out there.
My dream was crazy last night.
Nothing really to say here. All i really wanted to say was.
I love you Hunter Maymay.

frisky.

wow.

i'm kind of glad hunter and kevin didn't chill today.
i love you guys..
but.. wow.

elly. ellay. ellz.

Pearl come home..

So don't get me wrong. Me and Elly being together is like.. the best thing that has happened in a really long time to me.
But of course. When someone like me gets something awesome in their life it makes me question myself.
i've never been single for more than a month or two. is that bad? or is that really good? am i on a constant rebound? maybe i'm just very affectionate? ahhah.
JUSTGOWITHITSAVANNAH..

i'm trying. good things happening to me is weird.

i love it when:
she says my name
she sings in my general direction
she looks away when i look at her
she keeps looking when i look at her
she kicks the cellos ass
she plays guitar
she's next to me

yes.

savannah, will you go out with me?

yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

acceptance

i told my mom about me and elly.
everything's fine.
my mom is goofy we all know that.
did you really think she would like throw me out of the apartment? ahah.

ELLY'SCOMINGOVERTODAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYA.

drowning.
i've never really thought of it before.

fuckkkkkkk.

i love this feeling, the way you make me feel
you've got me twisted and broken, yet feeling so real
your sweet taste of freedom and bitter thoughts at heart
the urge to know what's in your head has my mine falling apart
the notion of balance escapes my body as i feel you there trying to stop this time from wandering
your fingers are intertwined tight into mine
and again i feel that feeling that i've been hiding inside
run through that grass and into my arms
i swear i can be the one thing that doesn't give you harm
youve got a spirit like a bird in an undersized cage
and its you that has me living each day
not with loathing or a sense of fear but instead intoxicated the way you make me feel
-Elly Tier

You kissed me :)
You're moving in February or March :(
nothing is fair. nothing.

Eleanor Rigby.

BTDUBS.

you're kind of taking over my mind.
which is a good thing.
better than morbid things.

remember this.

i am going to be a cellist.
nothing will stop me. nothing. not money. not other people on a higher level.
fuck that.
i will do anything. anything.

sphinx concert. harlem quartet. my heroes.
harlem quartet is the best quartet.
oh my god.
i'm freaking out. you don't even know.

i am going to be a cellist.
i am a cellist already.

HOLY FUCK I AM SICK AS A FUCKFUCKFUASKDJHAFILD

getting bombarded by texts from all my favorite people freaking out. was really weird. really really really weird. and scary. anxiety x10000000
but said person calmed me down.
said person is so fucking positive. usually i really hate that and think it's fake and i don't believe it. but said person (SP) is real. and down to earth.
SP makes me want to.. not care what others think.

BUT. no rushing. i rush into every single fucking relationship. this will be different. but i hate that i'm a senior. it's like if we do have a relationship it'll have an expiration date. but then again i don't care. i kind of want to rush into it. cherish the time we have together.
which is stupid. i barely know SP.

fuck it. why do i care? what does it matter?
you're right raeesah.

mutual.

we like eachother.


oh my god.
what now?

confusion.

i think i like someone..?

wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. wron.g

i miss dionne.

i feel really fucked up.
this is really hard to explain. really hard. um. i feel confident. kind of happy. but. all day i've felt a stinging in my eyes to cry. i just feel. unrepairable. like i'm always going to have this baggage. this past that is scary to other people or makes them feel bad for me or some shit. i fucking hate that. i'm so anxious all the fucking time. i want to be normal. i want to feel normal like that guy walking down the street. maybe he thinks i'm normal. people are so strange.
i don't know why i'm feeling like this.
i've been pretty okay the past few days. happy at some points.
maybe i'm getting nervous it will be taken away or something.
analyzeanalyzeanalyze.
i just feel wrong.
do you ever just feel wrong?

i want to know people like me. talk to them. cry with them. scream with them. the only people remotely close to this only visit. everyone here is fine.
i feel wrong.
i am not thinking about caleb. i am not thinking about anything.
i just don't feel like i should.
does any of this fucking make sense?!
am i going insane? i feel like it. i feel like i want this computer to talk to me. i want it to tell me to shut up or something. i want someone to tell me to breathe. i need people. i hate that. i shouldn't need anyone. i should be independent. i should be alone. i like being alone. right?
i'm losing it.
i feel like i'm screaming inside my body.