breathe

1. i cried in my lesson because i'm not prepared for college auditions at all
2. i wore makeup for the first time in a long time last night
3. i cried it off
4. the party sucked. i'm so tired of high school. that made it more unbearable.
5. dionne makes me sad and hopeful at the same time
6. i think saint-saens will be great next week. i'll prove to everyone i'm not just an immature senior girl who yells and laughs stupid loud. when people think of me they won't just think that they'll think good cellist. like trevor or dara or andrew.
7. i had another panic attack last night. the worst one ever.
8. caleb and my dad just watched me for twenty minutes
9. it started off when you left. my jaw started shaking. like when you're cold. my teeth were chattering. then my body started shaking.
10. then when i got in the car with caleb and my dad. i started twitching.
11. then i started crying because it was scary
12. then i wanted to die
13. then i tried to talk but i couldn't. only caleb understood me. my mouth kept shutting. it was like stuttering normally but my mouth kept coming together and not opening.
14. i don't like being in the car while i'm having one. it makes me more anxious. i feel like i'm going to die.
15. i tried getting out of my seat in the car. i wanted to fucking jump out the window. anything but be in there.
16. every fucking muscle in my body was tense and flexed. i felt like i was being crushed. i couldn't breathe. i couldn't breathe at all. i couldn't breathe.
17. we pulled over and i fell on the ground. it was like when sailors get off ships and kiss the ground.
18. i just writhed around on the ground crying, screaming, attempting to talk, twitching, shaking, gasping for air, breathing heavily or fast and irregular,yelling.
19. it was like my tongue was too big for my mouth. ..it was a sight.
20. a little girl going insane on some guy's driveway while a middle aged man and teenage boy just watching.
21. then i stopped crying and untensed my body and just laid there. it was like i ran 100 football fields.
22. then i got in the car and went home.
23. i slept on the couch with caleb. and cried more.
24. i asked him out this morning while watching the parent trap
25. we're back together. it makes sense. i know i rush into things. i know i rush out of things. but. i love him. it makes sense. it'll be okay. things will get better..
26. i wish you would have talked to me last night.
27. that was fucking torture. fucking torture. i deserve it. i've said that. you know that. but oh my god it's torture. the party already sucked. and when i finally thought you were going to talk to me. you leave. and i turn into a fucking mental patient
28. if caleb wasn't there i think i'd be in the hospital right now. my dad kept asking if i want to go.
29. caleb told him i couldn't talk. caleb told him to pull over. caleb understood my blathering.
30. i wanted to die at that party. i haven't felt that way in a long time. i think i could have been hit by a car. like alaska. except not driving drunk.
31. i don't think my dad likes me.
32. i wrote you a note, elly. i almost gave it to you yesterday. i've written you a lot of notes actually. lately you've been so short with me and ignoring me. i guess it's like. i'm talking to you through them. i found something else i'd like to give you also.
33.