eleven.

1. Eric said when he read Looking for Alaska he thought of me as Alaska. Biggest compliment ever hah.
2. Eric let me read part of his journal today. October 27th 2009 he convinced himself that I was dead. He cried. He was scared. He totally thought that I killed myself for whatever reason.
3. I know everyone sees the scars on my arms. I'm so use to them they don't matter anymore. But it's weird how people I wouldn't even think to worry about me actually do because of them. I forget they're there. But they scare Eric to death. I don't know. they're like reminders that i can't let myself go back to that. and the first time. and the last time. and why. and who was there when i did it. and what i did afterwards. i don't know. i just feel like when people see them they think less of me. like i'm a stupid teenage girl who felt sad one day and just did it for attention. but people worrying about me? that's just a foreign concept. i'm not saying that i don't think people do. it's just like. my little core of friends i understand that. but people i don't talk to as much. it's strange to me somehow..
4. yesterday went well. everyone's friends now? it's weird how that happened so fast. a little.. suspicious?
5. i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate when depression is used for the word sad. because they are two completely different things. i only know like a few other people who have really felt the effects of it. i feel like a depression snob sometimes hahah. but seriously. they are so different. and it feels like people are diminishing the meaning of the word.
6. but then i think.. words are just words. they shouldn't have this crazy meaning. who gave words this crazy meaning? i have a sticker that just plainly said FUCK and so many people have been like uh.. no. why'd you put that on there? i just think it's dumb to care about it. but then i put so much thought into the word "depression" or "depressed" it's dumb. i'm a hypocrite. but so is everyone. it's inevitable.
7. i felt really sick last night
8. i keep having dreams of getting tattoos or piercings. last night i pierced the other side of my lip with a tack.
9. i hate that i'm teased at school. that i'm not brave enough to fight back. i've never been brave enough in regular school. gsa maybe. thats so messed up. why can't i be brave all the time?
10. i don't think i should apologize. because everything i said is really how i feel. and i have trouble saying that to you. maybe things will finally change.
11. i hate how all the worst things happen to me right AFTER i go to therapy. i get built up into this armoured invincible person and then get beaten down and drowned. THNXGUYZ.