i don't know what to write here anymore

i kind of feel like a little kid. in the past i've tried so hard to be mature. because my best friend at the time's only complaint was that i was this immature idiot who needed to calm down. so i've been trying to act my age or older. i thought it was going well. but maybe since i'm at the brink of "adulthood" i'm starting to get confused. losing my innocence. in sexual terms it's been lost. in terms of going through tragedy it's been lost. but something in me just feels kind of like a little kid with you. more and more people are calling me peter pan. is that a good thing or a bad thing? not wanting to grow up? i'm so use to these stupid long relationships and being familiar and working at issues and everything. something new. is new. and weird. just. uncomfortable almost. is this how every new relationship feels? my therapist talks about it all the time. how i want this familiarity NOW. i want to know all your secrets. be close. feel comfortable telling you everything. trust. as soon as possible.

so stupid.

because the people i should be closest with. the people who affect all my decisions one way or another. (god, we talk about it all the time in ap government) family. family. family. family.

i have no family. i always think of us as three separate islands. we are broken. beyond repair. i have no family. i am just me. no ties through blood. just my friends and teachers and other people. when i first wanted to kill myself. i was sitting in the bathroom at diehn (a favorite crying spot of mine) just screaming "i have no family. we are broken. it's just me. i'm alone. they hate me. i have no family. it's just me. i have no family."

maybe that's why i feel like a little kid? no paternal care. no normal childhood. not at fucking all. god, if you all knew..

but you won't. i think that's interesting too. i can't tell everyone my whole life story. i just can't. i'd love to. to certain people. but it's just impossible. you'll never know.

and honestly.. of all the people i've known. Caleb was the closest to knowing everything. but the biggest problem was he knew the facts. but didn't understand why. or how. or any of that. like memorizing things without knowing the importance.

I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind, I'm not perfect.

reaching the end of this dumb blog. i'm so afraid. i was pretty raw with my train of thought this time around (yeah savannah it's like a freakin' novel..) and it's like. "oh my god. now she's going to freak and be like 'oh my god this girl is a psycho with insane baggage. BYEEE!'" hahah. i'm hoping you won't be like that. i want to lay it all out there. and i think i did.

so.. fingers crossed you won't think i'm a depressed overanalytical freak.

which i totally am..

god.. so much for now knowing what to write..