the past few days have been weird.

PROS:

masterclass with alisa weilerstein. i kicked kind of ass. more ass than some.

she complimented my dress. and really wanted it.

she touched my lower back hahaha.

andrew said i did a good job.

dionne's proud of me. patty's proud of me.

i didn't cry in front of leon.

i got a B on my theory final.

i got a free drink from mrs. watters.

she told me: that she loved me, i'm a free spirit, she agrees leon singles me out, she doesn't like working for leon either, she agrees with me that he treats students like shit, i could never disappoint her, i'm a strong woman, i've been stronger this year than last year, people look up to me, i'm passionate, going to have a great career, call her even if it's not good news, my new haircut gives my hair so much body, she thinks that i've grown so much, i'm doing well this year.

the biggest thing was that she loved me. she said it. i love you savannah. i'm not sure if dionne has ever told me that.

CONS.

leon flipped shit that i didn't wear shoes.

mrs. watters had to reprimand me. and i cried really fucking hard all the way as we walked out of diehn, in front of katie and connor and someone else, and all the way back to lakehouse since we parked there. and while i talked to mrs. watters for half an hour.

elly wasn't there. i mean i wasn't bothered by it before. but after the fact. i really wish she was there. not so much as to comfort me, but to see me during the master class.

i love mrs. watters. and that school. lately it's been like. something really good will be happening. and then something will be like BOOM NO. NO HAPPINESS. STOP. I'M GOING TO THROW THIS ON YOUR PLATE. but yesterday was a good day. it was a good elly night too.

i ate chocolate frozen yogurt and chili cheese fries. mmmm.

life changed.

lgjhgfhkjgl

i love hunter’s music taste. i especially love when i know a song because hunter sings it all the time and when i finally hear the actual song i can only imagine him singing it.

i love boneless buffalo wings.
i love buying things.
i love not having acne around my mouth. unfortunately that is not happening right now.
i love shows like lost, the good wife, mercy, glee, how i met your mother, 30 rock, so you think you can dance, flashforward, etc..
i love this one song right now.
i love musicals.
i love my friends.
i think people with mental health issues like depression or anxiety or things like that are just more evolved. we’re using more of our brain to think. kind of in a negative way.. but more brain power! i think people that just go through the motions and sit in front of a tv all day and think walking at graduation is a big fucking deal are just using as little brain power as possible. people are different to adapt and the average die out and the different power on. you know what i mean? maybe i have this completely backwards. and the weaker beings are the ones who are kind of fucked up in the head and are going to die out and the assholes who don’t give a shit about anything are better. but. i don’t think so.
and that’s all i have to say.

ELLY:

"have fun with hunty and tell him it meant alot when he told amanda he cared about me. i havent stopped thiking about that….i just never expected him to do something like that for me. i like him. he’s good. he’s a keeper."

lol@me

i feel weak.

marriage.

sounds nice.

i've been such a bum lately. i just lay around and watch tv. meeehhh. things are suprisingly getting better though. i put a few minutes in to cello and i get better. i talk to caleb, hunter, and pearl regularly now. patty stuff is even better! and that was like. down to no communication for a while. for like this whole year..

i guess giving in is the route. giving in to crying gets it out. and then i move on. instead of stressing over keeping it in. or being better person by not crying.

things are getting better. i just keep thinking that. which helps.

the only good thing about waking up CONSTANTLY.

having a MYRIAD of dreams. so many peoople have been using myriad lately. it was on fucking glee. wtf.

anyways. dreams!

1. i went to new orleans on a gsa trip. madeline la rossa was there. her bra kept popping out of her dress. i was in the orchestra. gary spell did it. he had two other old guy friends who worked the show. OH. the sound guy steve! and uhhh. some other guy. and i found out they were complete assholes. so i was in a new orleans gift shop and i was trying to leave so my parents came and i accidently hit my mom like my elbow touched her shoulder accidently and she was lik OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MMMMMYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOD. and she starting crying like crazy and fell over the floor and was writhing in pain and then i found this giant room where the three guys were and i was like you guys are assholes. and i started like flying like peter pan. and i was like kicking over stuff on their desk. and they were being sarcastic and mean. and like all the doors around me were starting to close so i grabbed my stuff said fuck you and left with my dad.
2. then i was driving into a tunnel and i saw this girl was about to get raped and i backed up and was like OH MY GOD RAPE. and this other guy pulled out a baseball bat and started beating the shit out of the rapist. and i was like blehh.. the blood got all over me. and i freaked out and was running around and crying and then i had to pick up the bones that he left. and some were pulverized into the ground. and then the baseball bat guy started like a world wide thing were he kept tabs on interstates were rapist tried to rape girls and then he accidently caused a fire and he tried to put it out by touching his computer but he couldn't remember what state this weird city name was in. and then a guy tried to shoot the map and his shots were like transfered to the area where he shot it. it was weird.
3. then one of the previous assholes from the first dream was sitting on my couch and alaska was meowing at him really strangely. so i picked her up and brought her to me and he still tried to like pet her and stuff and she freaked out and i brought her closer and then he tried to tickle me and i went to go punch him and i woke up mid punch. it was weird. cause my arm was like in the punching motion and moving when i woke up.
4. it was graduation pictures of like all the seniors in alphabetical. and there was this girl there that i really liked and wanted to hold her hand. and i looked over at her other hand and it was cut off and bleeding and on a bag of ice and i like. didn't even care. and we missed the picture because we were just sitting on the baseball benches and i was laying on her lap.

WEIRD. WEIRD. WEIRD. I'M A WEIRDO.

i like dreaming though. even if it makes me really mad or covered in blood. or a cheater. well. not so much the last part. but yeah!

things are on the up.

when tallwood is better than gsa. it's weird. i got organized and ate pizza.

oh shit ihave to do english homework. anyways. uhhh. fuck. now i can't stop thinking about that. um.

today was just frustrating. i was in a good mood but everyone else wasn't and it wore on me and i just gave up and stayed home instead of going to the concert. a lot of other factors were in that but. that was a plus.. yeah so.

mehhhhhh.

but seriously things are on the up.

i am a virgin raping beast of a taco.

and don't nobody forget that.

kpax.

today i think i'm going to practice. and skate. and do nothing. and eat. i'll probably eat a lot.

my mouth tastes like. i don't even know. REALLY BAD.

sleeping has been really not fun lately. i wake up and toss and turn. ughhh.

i can't think of anything else to say.

i missed seven text messages last night and fell asleep on the phone with elly.

most of those seven were very important..

yay.

not.

ugh.

i'm not doing anything tonight..

PEARL?! PEARL!!?!?!?!!? PEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARL?

give in.

i cried for like a few minutes. so. things are on the up. i think.

i'm a really bad at talking lately. it happens when i'm anxious. instead of word vomit i get word constipation. i feel terrible because it happens extra with pearl and hunter. sometimes i just don't know what to say. because i feel so bad for not talking to them in the past and want to say a lot but then i feel like i have no idea what to say because it's been so long. they're the people i want to talk to the most and i say the least.

mr. chu needs to give me more money. i never thought i'd say 18,800 wasn't enough. but it ain't.

poop.

it'll be okay. things will be okay.

i'm okay.

"where's your other limb?"

"she stayed after school for chemistry sol tutoring"

awareness.

tears are just kind of coming out whenever they feel like now. and fits of rage! those happen too. but i'm giving in now. i'm just going through the day. i know how i want to be and act like and think but constantly working towards that goal drives me insane. so. i'm just going to be aware. and give in to my emotions instead of controlling them.

i'm going to watch stuff on the ted.

and learn we are hot dogs for elly on guitar. and sing it to her. and not be self conscious.

FUCK YEAH. hahahahaa. no.

descriptions.

sensitive to everything. observant.

"i went to montessori!"

"oh that makes sense"

"..why?"

"you're very independent. you don't need to ask people what to do all the time. you just do your own thing."

remember.

i'm in asuch a shitty mood.

i want to go outside. my mom won't let me skate around. i need my bike fixed. maybe hunter had the right idea. i should ride my bike more. i've lost six pounds. i don't know how. but i should probably turn the rest into muscle or something. biking would be.. nice. or skating. anything. i should probably be outside more.

say anything is nice. it's kind of making the sad turn into angry. i'm not sure if that's better or worse.

i understand why seniors get all the benefits and shit now. because. i really couldn't do a jury. or anything. i need all the breaks i can get. and i mean. we had to do college apps and scholarship shit and stuff. determining our futures in a few months. so.. i think we deserve it.

alaska knows when i'm not happy. she knows. i know she knows.

i wish i was better at guitar.

fuck amanda. she's just. god. a bitch.

i'm in bad mood. i'm just. i'll get over this.

i just lay in bed. wanting to go to sleep. and then i lay there and think myself into an anxious state and have to get out because i can't lay there still and i have nothing to do or i feel like i've already wasted time laying there. i just create stupid situations.

i haven't felt this bad in a long time.

i just. started crying.

she's fed up.

my mom's confused.

my dad's more confused and can't ask me how i feel.

elly helps. i know that i'm clinging to her. but. can that be okay? can everyone just be okay with that for a while? i can't. i can't even talk to hunter on the bus.. i can't talk to people without fucking up. calling them a douche. crying. so dumb.

i feel really awful. she's fed up. i. i give up. and it's okay. i have a month. everyone gave up months ago. i can give up. exams are over. i can give up. i know my music for the concert and the recital. i can give up. it's okay right? why can't that be okay?

i've been trying. to no avail. i try being happy. and conversing. and joking. then i start crying. and try to still laugh and joke. then it's even weirder.

i just give up.

the things people say. really stick with me. i don't always follow them or follow them the wrong way. but i always think of stupid things people say and replay them in my head. i'm being vague. but. whatever.

i'm going to lay down. or go on tumblr. hah. what an idiot. i'm so fucking stupid.

BAD. DREAMS.

this weekend.

has been so good. some bum parts. this is one of them. but i'll get over it. it's not even my problem. i feel bad. but. i guess she's right. i can't relate. and i just feel like.. i just want to talk to her. i'm selfish.

therapy tomorrow. thank fucking god. FIX ME DR. CAROL.

fam.

birthday graduation anything: http://danielleatethesandwich.net/page-store.html

yesterduh, was really good. i think the biggest part for both me and elly was interacting with her little cousins. they're nine and.. seven? six? uhh. i don't know! but. honestly, i was thinking about this today. i never talk to my relatives. i don't have siblings. my mom's friends children are either grown or my age. i have never played with little kids before. plus, due to all the other facts. i'm really awkward around them. i've never held a baby. i've never picked up a toddler. changed a diaper. NOTHING. i've never done anything ofdasort.

it was just cool. okay? jeez. hahah. and they liked me! sophie did. she said i was her best friend at the end hahah. i felt like this whole. future mom business wouldn't be so awful. maybe i don't hate kids as much as i thought i did.

SPEAKING OF MOMZ. today is the day of momz. dionne asks about her. pearl does. it's funny. i don't know. and cool. how they care about her. she is still in the thick of it. i think if a social worker came in and saw a day at our apartment they would slip us up. but it does work. i cry in the morning and either make it to school or stay home. if i do go to school my mom cries while i'm there. i mean. real screaming hours and hours of crying. then i come home. we watch tv and eat crappy food. and go to sleep. where she probably cries again. she searches for a job all day. barely leaves the house. except for therapy. but when i'm upset. she goes right into mom mode. it's awesome. even if she was crying to me the day before she takes such good care of me when i'm sad. because she knows how it feels. and she knows what to do. i mean it's different for everyone but by now she knows what bothers me and what helps. sometimes it's hard. sometimes i feel like i have to take care of her. and like it's not my job to do that. but in any relationship. whether it's friendship, romantic, or family. you take care of eachother. sometimes i over do it though. i don't know. i just. really appreciate her. because weekends with my dad i really see what i'm not appreciating back at the apartment. his influence with money is nice sometimes. but she. i don't know. she's different.

now while i type this. it is not like. breaking each line. it's just a really long continuous line of poop. so. hopefully it changes when it is posted. but if it's like this. i'm sorry... i don't know how to fix it.

i call her way too much.

need to chill. starting now.

self reliant? right? heh.. not.

i'm going to bed!

still not feelin' bloggy.

no more dorms at berkz. i knew that was going to happen. my dad gave me some hope buttt no. so. gotta find an apartment. maybe it'll end up being cheaper? who knows.

i'm just so tired and i've been.. slipping. maybe i'll clean? i just don't feel up to it.

it's stupid i got my hopes up.

blogging.

i have not been in a blogging mood. i am when i'm not at the computer. but once i sit down it's gone. i just want to write a short list of things that are important right now. i think in blogs sometimes. hunter has said that before. but now i know what he means.

so here's my dumb list.

1. my ap gov exam is tomorrow. i don't care. i am a shoe-in for a four or five. but. i'm not going to study or for that matter worry about it. i kind of am to make my teacher happy because he believes in me and thinks i'm a good student and he has this wall where he writes all the people who got a five and it's kind of a bigish deal. so that is some incentive but. besides that i don't care. english? hah. super not caring.
2. i am wearing another one of elly's shirts. fresh from her drawers. drawers is such a crazy word to type because it's all in the left hand. try it. try it. but yeah! i was pooping and it really hurt and smelled like.. poop. but! elly's aroma was all fresh and everything and taking over my nose and it still is but yeah. it's just. nice. and we talked on her bed. and i met her family. and i talked to jozy. and things are good. oh racist comments.. that was hilarious!
3. i sang like the whole godspell soundtrack to katie sinclair's voicemail.
4. i was bummed jeff didn't come. but it was a sold out show! and i forgot to write everyone thank you cards.. more bummedness.
5. concert tomorrow night! aquabats yo.
6. all i eat is italian food. and i love it.
7. i miss pearl. i can say that a hundred times but that won't fix anything. i don't know why it's so hard for me. hunter and her are great. i guess i could say i'm busy. but i've been busy and her friend before. i mean, i'm not not her friend. but.. she knows what i mean. ughhh. i'm sorry pearl. i'll be better.

pain.

i can't do surveys. it's like. really hard for me to complete. i'll get through 3/4ths of it and just stop haha.

i had a bad morning yesterday. i freaked out driving to samantha's house and got lost. i just really. don't understand how i got lost. i go there.. pretty often. or like. enought o know where it is! i was crying and shaking and my hands and arms were tingling and numb. it was so weird.

rehearsal was tense because i had to hold back from crying. i was shaking so bad. but we got a lot done. and i left right when we were done and went to elly's. which was amazing.

then godspell was pretty bad. but. gabby liked it and left at intermission.

blah. i'm not in a blogging mood.

i'm just tired.

scroyo.

i love you, hunter. all i can think about are thumbs now. and what that means. and looking at other peoples thumbs

this made me really happy. stupid right? but. just. those words. the fact that today before GSA hunter was looking at everyone's thumb who walked in the door. and marcus's thumb which was GIGANTIC. and now pearl is. and she's hours away. in a completely different place. caring about the same thing.

i don't know.

gives me hope for next year.

..not that i didn't have hope already.

i grind my teeth. it's weird i'm just talking about this now. but sometimes i'll realize i'm doing it and let go and it's like. weird. i don't know! i wake up grinding. grind. grind. grind.

dionne gave me her GSA hoodie. i'm wearing it now.

i'm worried about this stupid scholarship. i went to guidance and asked for the form not realizing it was due today. and she was like oh, give it to me monday! and i was like well fuck.. three recs? so. i asked dionne and jeff. and maybe i can get them before monday.. i just hate rushing people. it's not my fault though.. so. i don't know. it doesn't matter it still bothers me.

i say i don't know too much. i guess because i usually don't. but. i almost said it just now. caleb and i were arguing and he brought that up and i never noticed it. funny how you notice stupid things when someone mentions them and are now completely conscious of it all the time.

i don't like. how some people bother me now. but i've known them for so long. it's weird how they've changed so much to the point of me not completely liking them anymore.. have i changed that much? since freshman year? speaking of freshman. timmy thought i was a freshman. i don't know what he based that on. if it was my personality it makes sense. and i don't really look like a senior.

if i had a bunch of smells i had to identify i would not be able to pick out dionne's. i guess it's because we're never like.. close to eachother. but i could definitely pick out elly's. and pearl's. and caleb's. and hunter's. and my mom's. wow. i can't think of anyone else.

my stomach hurt on the bus yesterday when me and hunter were discussing the things in marah's butt. POINTED STONES?! hahah. weak.

my dad put the tuition deposit to VCU and berklee. soooo..

that's where i am with college.

i'm really really really afraid everytime i open my email. ever since prescreening cds time. i have this huge fear. that something college related will go bad. and it'll be in an email. and blah.

i need a job. now.

i'm tired..