i don't feel good. it's not just because of one situation. things that. use to happen a lot. are happening now.
i should just talk about my dream..
i was in penn state with my mom. we were watching this musical theater production of people in a pool. patty was in it. and noel. he had the lead. patty never talked to me. then we went to get some coffee or a milkshake and elly called. she said she was just at penn state and bought a milkshake. we get there. there is a bass in a case and a notepad of notes there. flight of the bumblebee. i realize someone left it there. so i take it and carry it around including my own school stuff and cello. some how. and my mom left me. so i went to go looking for her. and i had some of danielle's stuff. so i gave it to her. when i saw her in the street. i don't know.
not really interesting.
i wanted to see what jeff emailed me back. but he hasn't. that's the only reaosn i'm up so early. it's a b day. so.. feel dumb. plus i'm still waiting for my vcu letter or email. god.
i don't like the person i am right now. i'm obnoxious. and mean. i need to chill out. and i use to think. that wasn't me. i am this big personality. i need to stay true to it. but i can without being an asshole. i just need to figure it out. i just don't like who i am right. i don't like me. i don't like how i suck at talking to pearl on a regular basis. i don't like how i'm so concerned with what i wear. i don't like how i don't play cello like i use to. how i don't practice like i use to. how i don't have lessons like i use to. how i don't take shit seriously. i mean. god. i do! but. not enough. never enough.
i started thinking about unattainable goals. how we all have goals. little goals. make the soccer team. get into college. skydive before i die. but without a truly unattainable goal. we'd never be happy or push ourselves in life. we wouldn't have a purpose. mine is to be perfect at cello. i guess. not the best way to word it. but i'll never do that. no one. jeff has said it's a work in progress and it always will be. but. that is so. awful sounding. never reaching a goal. andknowing that you never will. but i do it because it makes me happy. but it' snot like i touch the instrument and i'm happy. i touch it and it frustrates me to no end. and i sound like shit. i sound like shit. everyone knows it. no one thinks i'm good.
i need to talk less. listen more. i need to listen more. i need to be more aware. i need to. fight the urge. resist.
i want to write a book.
but i can't start.
i've sat down to start writing it. but. i can't. i could write the middle and the end. but not the beginning. i don't know what to say.
i'm a mess.
i'm afraid you'll leave me. if i don't shape up.
jeff said if then statements cause us to be unhappy. we shouldn't say i'll be happy when this happens. we are naturally happy people. like three year olds. they are always jumping around and they cry but then soon get over it and forget it happened. if we keep saying i'll be happy when this happens we won't. we should be happy with the present.
i've been trying to catch myself. stupid.
maybe i should go back to therapy. most people i've talked to have either lied to therapist, hated it, don't take it seriously. just. i feel dumb for liking it so much sometimes. i feel dumb going there.
i feel dumb. i am dumb.
i have a B in oceanography. and an E in english. my favorite subject. i have an E in. so stupid.
i need a better vocabulary.
i can't keep saying stupid.
fuck.
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