fat.

sylvia plath. i had an obsession with her. because she articulated what i was feeling so well. but when we were talking about what makes a mature person in senior prep someone mentioned like getting through the hard times show you're mature. and not giving up. and even i said. trying. don't just be stubborn and not even try and give up. and then i thought. plath killed herself. is that giving up? is that not trying? she tried for sure. but did she try enough? there's no way of me knowing. but i wanted like a portrait of her tattooed on my arm. but then i think. do i want someone who gave up on my arm? is that showing that i support her decision to end her life and that i think that's a great idea? but then i think. 1. who gives a shit. no one is going to think this much about my arm. let alone know who it is most of the time. 2. i still respect her. because. i know what it feels like to want to end it all. i know a lot of people who know what that feels like. and it takes a lot to fight it. and it takes a lot to end it too. a lot of.. courage. i know most people think it's cowardly but. i mean. just sit there with a gun to your head. that's scary. i'm not.. trying to. say that it's admirable she killed herself. i just. blah. and 3. no matter what she did. if she was courageous or cowardly she helped me figure out what i was feeling and made me feel better that i wasn't the only one and i'm sure she's done that for people around the world with her books and poems. and i mean. if anything. you can respect that. okay enough about that.

my party last night. consisted of: me, elly, hunter, raeesah, lucas, ashley vaughn, allison herd, darrin, livy, lauren white, lauren white's friend adam, and eric.
it was a really random group. that usually happens at gsa gatherings. but. it was fun. i rode the ferris wheel with my girl. she lost the ring that i gave her that my dad bought me in mexico. i'm not bothered at all though. she is. um. everyone was anxiously awaiting lucas. he was fun. lauren and adam were the first to go. then darrin and livy. then it was hunter, raeesah, and lucas. ashley and allison. eric. and me and elly. i felt bad for eric. i felt bad for lauren. but. i don't know. i can't please everyone. i guess. so. ultimately it was a success and i'm so glad lucas put it together for me. and that everyone came. and jeff came up to me after school yesterday and said that he saw this event on facebook and he is proud of me. and that was really nice. and there were two things that happened last night that i just want to never forget. and. i cried. happy tears. so. yeah. i was happy last night.

speaking of crying! i am due to cry today! i cry on b days. so. today would be a bday so we'll see. i'm having dinner with jeff and dionne tonight.

i've been good about turning in scholarships. i've turned in. ODC scholarship, VIRGA.. andd. that's it. more to come. uhhh.

it looks liek it's going to rain today. hope it doesn't ruin the beach gay party.

lucas said last night that he doesn't consider me out yetbecause you have to be out ofr a while to be really out. and i feel him. hahah. but. i don't know. it kind of felt like he was diminishing like. my initial coming out. it doesn't matter. i understand.

i. need to be better.
a better friend to a lot of people.
a better girlfriend.
a better cellist.
take care of myself better.
be a better daughter.