so i was watching the tyra show about transgender children while cutting out random pictures for jeff's present and eating ramen. then my mom says ready to go? and i completely forgot that she wanted to leave early so we could drop something off at tallwood before gsa. so i freak out and ask if i can shower. and she starts screaming at me and i say forget it forget it let's go. and she says no savannah go take a fucking shower. do it. i'm really mad right now you need to fucking take your fucking shower. yay.. so i do. throwing all my face wash and toothbrush into my bag to do later and just go as fast as i can. she slamming everything. screaming. throwing shit around. i seriously thought she was going to hurt me. then she seems to calm down in the car. and i talk about jeff's present. and she smiles. then as i'm brushing my hair in the car. i think about all the times my mom brushed my hair when it was really really long. and how she was so careful when i had giant knots in my hair. i remember the neighbors said my hair was like a rat's nest. but she was so kind and gentle why doing my hair. and i was thinking about the transgender kid's mothers how one of them was so upset from losing her little girl. and how my mom was so nice about letting me buy boy's shorts and boy's clothing for picture day. and let me basically do my thing. so i was about to tell her how i appreciate her and that she was a great mom bringing me up. and then she says wait are there busses today? and i sink down.
there aren't busses.
so she slams on the breaks. beats her fists on the steering wheel. yelling at me. saying all these horrible things. and i throw my head into my lap afraid. and she says you bring your fucking head up i can't deal with that shit right now. you fucking look at me right now. she goes to the gas station. then calms down and says i'm sorry i love you. i'm sorry if i scared you. i'm just afraid. me and your father have to go to court now. and i'm scared. i took it out on you. she gives me the keys and gas and tells me to just take the car. she asked if i was okay to drive. and by then i learned to just say yes to whatever she asked. so i said yes.
i embark. and i lose it. my body was contourted into this crazy position of anxiety. i wanted to be in a ball but i had to drive. i realize there are scissors in my bag from cutting up the pictures for jeff. i want to give them to my mom before she leaves for fear of what else i can use them for. but i don't want her to yell at me again. so i call elly so maybe i can have her talk me out of it. then i want to ram my car into someone or something to die. but i'm afraid of telling elly that. so i call pearl. and i forgot she never answers her phone. i'm driving all crazy. then she answers and i'm relieved but all i was thinking was how i ruined everything and i can't talk and she can't understand so i throw the phone somewhere. i've never been that. bad. while having to. actually do something.
i go to lakehouse. hoping i don't see jeff and ruin his birthday by like collapsing in front of him begigng for help. the lakehouse is empty. i brush my teeth and do my face and brush my hair. then mrs watters sees me.
"oh, savannah. you're not okay. it's written all over your face. will you talk to me about it? what's wrong?"
"i don't know.."
"you won't tell me? did you get something in the mail? college? dad? something at home?"
"no. no. no. i don't know."
"that's fine if you won't tell me. i'm here savannah. it hurts me when you hurt."
"i don't know why."
i listen to pearl's voicemail.
"you should come to vcu. i can take care of you"
i see elly.
she tells me the good news.
quintet was a duet. me and sam. we do the runs in the da camera music. she struggles. i felt kind of good.
da camera. i'm not focused at all. i'm fucking exhausted. i'm accenting things that are piano. fucking up bowings.
i called 20th century literature 'great composers' which it basically is but dorsey taught that last year. that was okay. i just wanted to go home. elly wanted to drive with me. and i thought that would be a good idea so it would be the last time i see her before penn state and i need someone to be with me when i drive..
it was quiet.
i got home.
my mom apologized more.
i'm just tired.
i had dinner with my dad. i think our relationship is getting better. i told him about the transgender kids. i can look him in the eye more now. that's good?
i want to go to bed. long ass day.
vcu looks better and better everyday.
No comments:
Post a Comment