Looking back at my red pleather journal.. I forgot that I bought it so I could plan my escape. The beginning is all ideas of how to leave. People who would be willing to house me for a night. Places to go. Ways to get there. Ways to get money. Planning.
Also, it's amazing what people at Tallwood have done to me. It's fucking amazing. I just read the entry when people started PURPOSELY hitting my cello. As in, smacking as I passed by and calling me a bitch.
I read my birthday card Haleigh made for me last year. We always break up during the year but come back as really good friends by the time my birthday comes around. My birthday card from her before this was good too..
I think I won't forget about her because.. she was the best friend I ever had at that time in my life. She was a terrible friend but I had even worse before that. We were just so close. It's the weirdest fucking thing to walk past someone in the hallway and not look at them on purpose when the summer before you: got in food fights with, got drunk for the first time with, talked on the phone for hours late at night with, first sleepover in a long time, texted all the time everyday from a good morning text to good night. It's the weirdest thing. I can't stop thinking about her because it was just.. out of the blue when she 'broke up with me'. Being her friend again would suck. But I really want her to be. Last year I always thought: hey, senior year we are going to at least be on talking terms because the last year everyone kind of gets on talking terms with their enemiesish. You know what I mean? We'll see I guess. I just think/dream about her all the time. It happens with all my friends who ended up sucking or hating me. Probably because 'I long for a closeness through friends because my parents are assholes'.
She was my best friend.
It just worries me. What if my friends now suddenly stop liking me and stop being my friend. What if I turn into a bad influence and they want to cut me out of their life. Parents use to like me. Not anymore. I think it's cool sometimes. Like ooh i'm the bad kid. But then I just worry i'll lose that person as a friend.
I'm just really weird about friends because of my family sucking I guess. My friends are my family. Losing a family member is really.. traumatic. That's really how it feels. Traumatic. I still have dreams about Carson, Pyper, Haleigh. Not any boyfriends probably because that isn't family. Friends I had seven years ago. I really hope Haleigh doesn't turn into that she doesn't deserve it.
It's not good to dwell on the past. But I think it's good to take a healthy look back at how you use to be so you can keep improving the way you are. It kind of helps me.
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