"You long for a closeness with people.."

"..something you've lost from your family. Separation and loss is a theme in your life. That's why you ask them to tell you a secret."

It's not that he's gone and I don't have a car anymore. It's that my dad doesn't trust me anymore.
He bought me a car that lasted for less than half a summer because of my negligence.
I need to start being more responsible.
But how is that any fun?

It was Caleb, my mom, and me all eating breakfast yesterday morning and out of the blue she says that she needs to go to my dad's house to fix the router there because the internet hasn't been working. Immediately I think that's bullshit and ask her why she's doing it.
WHY DID I ASK THAT.
She goes into this long speech about how she'll do anything to make it better for me there and that she hates daddy but loves him and she knows that he is an asshole but she wants me to have a good life and all this stuff that is true, but not what I wanted to hear in the morning with Caleb sitting next to me.. Caleb awkwardly gets up and goes to the bathroom while without words I say "Why did you do that?" She cries even more than before and apologizes.
I lose it, curl up in my bed, and cry.

I think depression is more of a place than a state of mind. It's a place that I get stuck in sometimes. A place that is so miserable and painful and isolating but easy. It's so easy to just be pulled into that place. Just lay down in that place. It's terrible but familiar. I'm not stuck in there like last time. I'm just struggling to leave. Everytime I feel like I'm getting closer I get sucked in. I just slip back to that place.

No one wants to hear this.