doncha hate that?
okay so hunty, i was so like.. nervous to read your blog about what happened last night i had a dream that i did. and you didn't say anything so i wrote one asking you hahah. (i didn't read until now because concert=tireduncaringaboutinternetzsav)
i'm sorry it wasn't.. undissapointing. i guess i'll get deets later.
okay whoa. just read pearl's tumblr. yet again, you helped me. the crying that ensued cleared mah nostrils. hah. :) i wish i knew you when i was doing bad. maybe it wouldn't have gotten to the point it got to. i became friends with you RIGHT after. i remember worrying i wouldn't be able to do peter pan because i was so messed up. i twitched pretty bad at a rehearsal. peter pan was march 13th. my last entry in my journal was march 11th.
"march 11th 2009
Ryan has contacted me.. more than three times.. it kills me.
I'm sensitive to being called a mental patient
I could be one at any time.
My mom threatened the hospital.
My parents don't listen to me.
I'm feeling down again.
No anti-depressant."
caleb said i was acting like a mental patient. joking me one day in theory. it was like he punched me in the face.
whoa. do you guys ever like.. forget how to write? this one day i did. i was so frustrated.
"Wednesday April 29th 2009.
it's back. i have to gather strength to make it through the day.
i can't fuck myself over anymore.
i'm in hell. i am in fucking HELL right now.
how am i this unstable? how is this possible?
i'm so confused. i'm so anxious. it's back. why is it back
i shuold be happy i'm almost oust of school mu gradfes are most up oh my god. ehjmneed help but i cant. my ated wih kill me i need to get a waiver today i cant miss matmh
i cant miss mat
i neeo help i cant do this alone but im fucsd
forced. soon noone will force me to do anig
this weekend IM GONE
im already gone
why doesnt anyone ansertgatd why cant anyone just tell me what to do
why cant i just be fixed?! i cnt handlethis
my mind is freaking ksf i can't err write anytimor
i dont kwo wut to say"
i guess i look back at my journal. to keep me sane. remember what happened. remember how aweful it was. and that i can't let that happen again. i guess. i guess i guess.
on a happier note. elly is the shit. yesterday. 12pm-11:30pm. just awesome. keller williams was awesome. she loved him. which was nice to hear that she liked the same things as me. it was such a fun show. everyone was so happy and into. and... smoking pot. but! still into it. it was great. i think the best part about the concert. was that. i was free to act how i wanted with elly. i wasn't afraid. of parents. or caleb. or my dad. or anyone. it was just me and her and people who like keller williams. which are a good people. i just held her and we danced, laughed, kissed, held hands, talked, joked, told stories, and watched a guy smoke right in front of us.
eh, pot is not my thing girl.
i'm really hungry.
i could tell my mom was crying before i got home last night. i won't ask.
then we watched this aweful movie. "Savage Messiah" about this cult. bleh, it was aweful. a good movie but. like. horrible concept.
six months until graduation. 24 weeks till gsa graduation. 25 weeks until tallwood. eight monthsish until i leave for college. wow.. numbers..
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