sniffle sniffle.

I FEEL SO SICK. everything is worse at night. i can't sleep..

i did not like yesterday like i hope i would have.

i felt wavy. that's the best way to describe it. i wasn't happy or nervous or sad or feeling amazing or 'geekin' out'. i was tired. and i didn't want to feel like whatever i was feeling. i was considering texting someone to help me like. stop feeling like this. i guess i was a little scared. but mostly just. wavy. and tingly.

why do people like that so much?

i gave it a shot. two shots. no good. no good.

today will be good.

tuesday will be good.

wednesday i don't have plans.

thursday i don't have plans.

friday is party

saturday is party.

sunday is homework.

i'm so tired.. i wish i could call elly right now. or anyone for that matter. just makin' a pile of tissues.

the first school i hear anything from. and i'm rejected. i mean.. c'mon.. it was probably the hardest school to get into musically. but. jeez. confidence is gone right now. i feel like i'm going to end up like.. this one person who applied to a buttload of conservatories and now goes to GMU and is in a sorority.

NO SORORITIES PLEASE. I HATE GMUUUU..

i'm not the best right now. shouldn't you want me to come to your school and grow and shit? right? mrs. frittelli says i've grown a lot since freshman year. i have. like.. a lot. not celloly mostly behaviorness and mentally i think. but. i mean. i think i came in freshman year really bad. like i didn't know any scales. i had random infrequent lessons with kriner. never had an etude book. never had any solo music. then like.. christiana's come in and it's like. wtfff. how did you get all this stuff? why are you learning this bach suite already? i don't know. just like. compared to how shitty i started. yeah i'm better. but. i don't know. i kind of wish that. colleges would put that into consideration. HI I'M SHIT AT CELLO RIGHT NOW BUT IF YOU LET ME IN I'M GOING TO FUCKING BLOW YOUR MIND IN FOUR YEARS.

..i promise.

please?

let me innnn.

so please please please let me let me let me let me get what i want this time..

on another note. jesus, things with elly are good. i hope they are in actuality. i don't see why not. but in my mind. things are fucking awesome. and i haven't been so happy in a really long time. especially when it comes to relationships. i wish i had an obnoxious vocabulary to describe how much i like you and how beautiful you are. or i could like.. paint you something awesome. or compose you something "IF I WROTE YOU A SYMPHONYYYYY!" haha no.

i just feel stupid sometimes. like maybe you don't know how much you are making me happy.

an yet another note. alaska is awesome. i love how she likes me more than my mom. i love how she lays next to me. like right now! i'm so awkward with animals and little children. it's nice to be one someone's good side.

okay i'm starting to feel tired now.

jaskd'jgkalsdjsdklfjsd

i just feel