day eighteen.

weird moods coming and going.
i'm like frustrated with myself. i'd love to lay on the couch all day and watch the sundance channel. or sleep. or play with my cat. but i have to.. practice. i'd love to talk to pearl and hunter but i just sit on the couch. or i just. do shit with aaron or elly. i'm like.. losing the will to do things. i don't know why. i just. don't want to anymore. what's the point.

okay. reading over that. that sounds really bad..
that was always one of the questions they asked me at the doctor's office.
"have you lost interest in your hobbies or things you usually enjoy doing?"
uhh. then i would always think. well i still care about cello. i still go to gsa. i must care. i must still like it. so i would say no.
now i feel a yes coming on..
uhh.
fuck.
whatever.
i'll get over it.. i always do. right?
i'm just sick of crying after every lesson. why don't i just practice and fix that?
i don't know. i've lost the will. i just have to kick my own ass into doing it.
yay..

i'm also losing my obsession with the internet. first youtube life. gone. losing interest in facebook. tumblr. this is just a tool to complain which i'm doing right now so i still use this.
i think that is a good thing though.
now that the weather is nicer i need to get out there.
i mean.
i need to practice.
fuck.

why can't i be naturally good like everyone else?
why do i have to work so hard and get nothing in return..

"I regret to inform you that we will be unable to invite you for a live audition"