day twelve.

what the hell. why was day eleven so up and down?
why did i cry so much? i don't cry anymore. i'm better. i'm a success story. i've been through it and came out the other side. why is that sinking feeling back in my heart? what the fuck.
a mother always knows. i always know when it's coming back. i have that feeling. the heart chest feeling. i can't let this happen. i have. things to do. right? right.
yesterday. my mother yelled at me for something stupid. i cried at school. i went to the orthodontist and got my top wire changed. elastics in three weeks.. i got to see elly and wrote her a note and gave her shells. caleb and i were so fuckin' weak throughout theory. i don't know why. we just kept laughing. senior prep andrew annoyed the shit out of me. and i played like shit. my memory came and went. it was the first time i played the prelude by memory. my sound is deeper though. that's what i'm going for. i want my cello to surround your body and make it vibrate with my sound. they said i need to make the first page more like the second. so that's what i'll do. i need to practice more. i started last night. orchestra i felt good about how i practiced sibelius. the others not so much. some yeah. but not so much. the bus was great. hot. but great. i was weak the whole time. and elly got to sit on my lap! then the bus ride home david thom peed in two water bottles. and my mom yelled at me again. causing me to cry again.. i think elly got her phone taken away. but we had a good conversation.
it's official. elanor andrea tier is my girlfriend.
haaha we've known it's been like that. but we said it last night. so that's good. yay titles.
then i went to bed with my face on elly's tshirt. i think it helps me dream about her. she's been in all of them lately.
i don't want to cry all the time. i don't want to think about.. anything like what i'm thinking. i need to be strong for others. not this. i need to work on my future and focus on cello not this. i need to be a better girlfriend. not this. a better daughter. a better student. a better member of fucking society. not. this.

i can.