fascinated by suicide.

how could anyone be fascinated with that?
maybe it's because i feel that way and i search online and through books and through people and everything to see if people feel remotely close to how i'm feeling because i feel so fucking alone in this. everyone is happy. i hate this. i know it's always wrong. going into ODC i thought everyone was smarter than me and everyone understood. going into GSA i thought everyone was better than me and everyone understood.

or maybe i am fascinated.
maybe i will.

but right now. that's not the plan. i can't do that to my mom. or my friends. i can't.